Divorce advice

[Anonymous]

I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Not really. I think I did things right. I figured out living situations and custody and belongings, told DH and we sat and went through the suggested plan I’d created. All to say we were in agreement and a united front telling the kids.

[Anonymous]

I went through a similar thing with XH in midlife crisis/mental health episode. It sucks. My sympathies to you.

Some things that helped -- got a great therapist who was my rock; leaned on friends and family; great lawyer; great mediator who was experienced with mental health issues; focused on rebuilding myself and self-care.

You want to treat the divorce itself like a business deal. Sit down with a lawyer, figure out your position on all custody and financial issues. Mediate.

Re: telling the kids, that sucks. We told them together once he found another house. We went to see the house with them that night. It was as gentle as possible but it still sucks.

My life is SO much better after the divorce. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Mine played these headgames for a while, too. It was some sort of weird control strategy, with the end result being him near-completely out of control on all fronts.

Decide what you want and advocate for it. Don't consider his needs/wants; he'll do plenty of that for himself. Prioritize yourself and your children. Physically separate as soon as reasonably possible; the rest is much easier to do when you're not up under each other, causing regular tension and strife. Get a plan together, tell the kids together, and then stick to it. It was very damaging to my kids that their dad came back and then left again, and then came back... Be done, put your foot down, don't give in to pressure/manipulations.

[Anonymous]

Poster on 3/23/25 at 16:20, where are you located? Would you mind sharing who your attorney was? And the mediator that you mentioned who was experienced with mental health issues? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Instead of diagnosing him, get him in to see a psychiatrist who can treat him. If you need help to convince him to go, recruit his parents, sibling or a close friend. He is father of your children and they need him healthy, they can't divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Get a good lawyer from the outset. Don’t try a “colaborative” approach or try to work it out with him. Just make a plan with the lawyer and serve him with the papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I think I did things right. I figured out living situations and custody and belongings, told DH and we sat and went through the suggested plan I’d created. All to say we were in agreement and a united front telling the kids.

I mean … you did things right in light of the fact that your exDH acted sanely and responsibly. Not all of us are that lucky. I hope OP is but does not sound like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Instead of diagnosing him, get him in to see a psychiatrist who can treat him. If you need help to convince him to go, recruit his parents, sibling or a close friend. He is father of your children and they need him healthy, they can't divorce him.

she can do that and divorce him at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Instead of diagnosing him, get him in to see a psychiatrist who can treat him. If you need help to convince him to go, recruit his parents, sibling or a close friend. He is father of your children and they need him healthy, they can't divorce him.

she can do that and divorce him at the same time.

Why would she do that if the issue can be resolved. They have 2 kids and they owe it to their kids to make the marriage work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

DO NOTHING. SAY NOTHING TO HIM.

Start ignoring him back.

Set up your life to function without him - nannies, sitters, friend groups, family, etc. Fill them all in on his mental issues and incapacities.

Stop covering for him in the house and out of the house.

Meet with a few divorce attorneys to understand likely outcome. Goal should be to mediate. Get financies in order, get your own bank account going.

Get the kids independent and communicate to them their father's mental issues, Set boundaries. Get them a therapist so they don't lap up what little attention them do get from him or seek other men.

Get a Phd level trauma therapist or one well versed or published in Cluster B or ASD/ Bipolar / Borderline disorders. Read books on AS/ NT relationships.
You have to detach emotionally from the relationship and from expecting normal behavior from him.

Be civil and upbreat with him, but in a Gray Rock type way. Give him NO ammo to argue.

He sounds too wishy washy to file for divorce so he may continue to try his passive aggressive approach. Ask him what he's hiding sicne it doesn't make sense. But be ready for anything. He's proven irrational. Knowing your legal options and the steps will help you make peace with his irrationalness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I think I did things right. I figured out living situations and custody and belongings, told DH and we sat and went through the suggested plan I’d created. All to say we were in agreement and a united front telling the kids.

I mean … you did things right in light of the fact that your exDH acted sanely and responsibly. Not all of us are that lucky. I hope OP is but does not sound like it.

If they still work and use all their mental energy to mask and work there, they may view the divorce as another "work project" and get all up into "deal mode." It's pathetic but happens often. Plus they want to impress both lawyers with what a great guy they think they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Instead of diagnosing him, get him in to see a psychiatrist who can treat him. If you need help to convince him to go, recruit his parents, sibling or a close friend. He is father of your children and they need him healthy, they can't divorce him.

she can do that and divorce him at the same time.

Why would she do that if the issue can be resolved. They have 2 kids and they owe it to their kids to make the marriage work.

adult's with chronic untreated mental issues "resolving" them. Lol. That's for his mother and father to have handled years ago. Or now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Instead of diagnosing him, get him in to see a psychiatrist who can treat him. If you need help to convince him to go, recruit his parents, sibling or a close friend. He is father of your children and they need him healthy, they can't divorce him.

she can do that and divorce him at the same time.

Why would she do that if the issue can be resolved. They have 2 kids and they owe it to their kids to make the marriage work.

adult's with chronic untreated mental issues "resolving" them. Lol. That's for his mother and father to have handled years ago. Or now.

Yeah, but they didn’t. And now with the marriage vow “in sickness and in health” the spouse bears some responsibility, especially as a coparent.

There’s many ways of going about this. Definitely leave the diagnosing up to professionals, and focus only on your mental and financial wellbeing. Talk to financial planners before lawyers…remembering their motivation is to make the process as contentious as possible.

[Anonymous]

All I have to say is hugs OP. I'm dealing with a mentally ill spouse and may well be headed this direction for my own safety and that of my family. It's awful.