Divorce advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I think I did things right. I figured out living situations and custody and belongings, told DH and we sat and went through the suggested plan I’d created. All to say we were in agreement and a united front telling the kids.

I mean … you did things right in light of the fact that your exDH acted sanely and responsibly. Not all of us are that lucky. I hope OP is but does not sound like it.

If they still work and use all their mental energy to mask and work there, they may view the divorce as another "work project" and get all up into "deal mode." It's pathetic but happens often. Plus they want to impress both lawyers with what a great guy they think they are.

That’s not how people with mental illnesses like bipolar actually function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Instead of diagnosing him, get him in to see a psychiatrist who can treat him. If you need help to convince him to go, recruit his parents, sibling or a close friend. He is father of your children and they need him healthy, they can't divorce him.

she can do that and divorce him at the same time.

Why would she do that if the issue can be resolved. They have 2 kids and they owe it to their kids to make the marriage work.

adult's with chronic untreated mental issues "resolving" them. Lol. That's for his mother and father to have handled years ago. Or now.

Yeah, but they didn’t. And now with the marriage vow “in sickness and in health” the spouse bears some responsibility, especially as a coparent.

There’s many ways of going about this. Definitely leave the diagnosing up to professionals, and focus only on your mental and financial wellbeing. Talk to financial planners before lawyers…remembering their motivation is to make the process as contentious as possible.

This is the worst possible advice. Divorcing from a mentally ill spouse requires a lawyer. OP’s duty is to protect the kids from him, not to hold together a flailing marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP HERE - I am happy to work with him to go to therapy, and try meds, and believe in marriage through it all, but he is refusing to do so. My kids are older teens and have called him on his behavior over and over, and are also fed up. He is angry, has outbursts, threatens to leave us, etc, then comes back and wants to forget it ever happened, place blame on them and me, etc. It is a cycle. He did contact a lawyer recently, changed his mind again and now changed his mind back. He is showing to be irrational and he used to be so sane. He also has a LOT of unresolved childhood trauma that he won't deal with. I am at a loss of how to help him and protect myself, and am scared to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer early and tell them your goal is to get as much money as possible.

[Anonymous]

Get DH a psychologist and psychiatrist, independent of couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

what other signs he shows with his emotions? Does he feel energetic most of the time and the sad the other? Impulsive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

You will get through it and there is light at the end of the tunnel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Mine played these headgames for a while, too. It was some sort of weird control strategy, with the end result being him near-completely out of control on all fronts.

Decide what you want and advocate for it. Don't consider his needs/wants; he'll do plenty of that for himself. Prioritize yourself and your children. Physically separate as soon as reasonably possible; the rest is much easier to do when you're not up under each other, causing regular tension and strife. Get a plan together, tell the kids together, and then stick to it. It was very damaging to my kids that their dad came back and then left again, and then came back... Be done, put your foot down, don't give in to pressure/manipulations.

This.

[Anonymous]

You don't develop bipolar at that age often. He's probably having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't develop bipolar at that age often. He's probably having an affair.

may be he had it before and went unnoticed. What are the signs of being bi-polar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE - I am happy to work with him to go to therapy, and try meds, and believe in marriage through it all, but he is refusing to do so. My kids are older teens and have called him on his behavior over and over, and are also fed up. He is angry, has outbursts, threatens to leave us, etc, then comes back and wants to forget it ever happened, place blame on them and me, etc. It is a cycle. He did contact a lawyer recently, changed his mind again and now changed his mind back. He is showing to be irrational and he used to be so sane. He also has a LOT of unresolved childhood trauma that he won't deal with. I am at a loss of how to help him and protect myself, and am scared to be alone.

Very immature on his part.
Then the teen kids are all looped into his back and forth antics.
This is simply not good for anyone of you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE - I am happy to work with him to go to therapy, and try meds, and believe in marriage through it all, but he is refusing to do so. My kids are older teens and have called him on his behavior over and over, and are also fed up. He is angry, has outbursts, threatens to leave us, etc, then comes back and wants to forget it ever happened, place blame on them and me, etc. It is a cycle. He did contact a lawyer recently, changed his mind again and now changed his mind back. He is showing to be irrational and he used to be so sane. He also has a LOT of unresolved childhood trauma that he won't deal with. I am at a loss of how to help him and protect myself, and am scared to be alone.

Does it have to be divorce? Can it be a period of separation while he figures his stuff out?

Maybe it’s the kick in the pants he needs in order to get it together.

[Anonymous]

He wants the divorce fast - and doesn’t want to do therapy or anything. I agree that it might not be bipolar, and thought affair but have done enough research to cross that option out. Maybe borderline personality disorder? He’s walked out on the teens crying hysterically and us all begging him to stay and still leaves, but then comes back. But then is mean to me for months on end and then leaves again. He will give me the silent treatment or play mind games with me. I so want him to get help so we can fix this but this time he seems serious about divorce and is living out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants the divorce fast - and doesn’t want to do therapy or anything. I agree that it might not be bipolar, and thought affair but have done enough research to cross that option out. Maybe borderline personality disorder? He’s walked out on the teens crying hysterically and us all begging him to stay and still leaves, but then comes back. But then is mean to me for months on end and then leaves again. He will give me the silent treatment or play mind games with me. I so want him to get help so we can fix this but this time he seems serious about divorce and is living out of the house.

Set that man free. Divorce him -- ASAP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants the divorce fast - and doesn’t want to do therapy or anything. I agree that it might not be bipolar, and thought affair but have done enough research to cross that option out. Maybe borderline personality disorder? He’s walked out on the teens crying hysterically and us all begging him to stay and still leaves, but then comes back. But then is mean to me for months on end and then leaves again. He will give me the silent treatment or play mind games with me. I so want him to get help so we can fix this but this time he seems serious about divorce and is living out of the house.

Have you ruled out drug, alcohol, or other substance abuse? That can drastically change personalities.