Divorce advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants the divorce fast - and doesn’t want to do therapy or anything. I agree that it might not be bipolar, and thought affair but have done enough research to cross that option out. Maybe borderline personality disorder? He’s walked out on the teens crying hysterically and us all begging him to stay and still leaves, but then comes back. But then is mean to me for months on end and then leaves again. He will give me the silent treatment or play mind games with me. I so want him to get help so we can fix this but this time he seems serious about divorce and is living out of the house.

How long this has been going on? How old is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poster on 3/23/25 at 16:20, where are you located? Would you mind sharing who your attorney was? And the mediator that you mentioned who was experienced with mental health issues? Thank you.

I am in MD. Not sure if it would be useful to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE - I am happy to work with him to go to therapy, and try meds, and believe in marriage through it all, but he is refusing to do so. My kids are older teens and have called him on his behavior over and over, and are also fed up. He is angry, has outbursts, threatens to leave us, etc, then comes back and wants to forget it ever happened, place blame on them and me, etc. It is a cycle. He did contact a lawyer recently, changed his mind again and now changed his mind back. He is showing to be irrational and he used to be so sane. He also has a LOT of unresolved childhood trauma that he won't deal with. I am at a loss of how to help him and protect myself, and am scared to be alone.

Is he trying to get you to file? Up to you.

Otherwise call his bluff. But be ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE - I am happy to work with him to go to therapy, and try meds, and believe in marriage through it all, but he is refusing to do so. My kids are older teens and have called him on his behavior over and over, and are also fed up. He is angry, has outbursts, threatens to leave us, etc, then comes back and wants to forget it ever happened, place blame on them and me, etc. It is a cycle. He did contact a lawyer recently, changed his mind again and now changed his mind back. He is showing to be irrational and he used to be so sane. He also has a LOT of unresolved childhood trauma that he won't deal with. I am at a loss of how to help him and protect myself, and am scared to be alone.

OP this is PP from the first page who had a similar situation and is much happier now.

Don’t take advice from people who haven’t BTDT. Dealing with someone who is in this state is not the same as dealing with a rational person.

We went to so many marriage counselors. They advised me to stop trying (privately). XH was not in a place where the marriage could work.

Our cycle started like what you describe, then went to something much worse. He began to split and accused me of illegal things like violence. I encourage you to read the website Out of the Fog and the book Splitting just to prepare yourself to deal with very irrational behavior. Get yourself a therapist to break the codependency. You need to get into a place where you realize you CAN do this alone. I didn’t realize how easy it would be until I acknowledged how hard it was to carry what I had been carrying.

Your DH is mentally ill. The kids should hear it from a third person. Maybe try family therapy and if he doesn’t come, then that’s on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants the divorce fast - and doesn’t want to do therapy or anything. I agree that it might not be bipolar, and thought affair but have done enough research to cross that option out. Maybe borderline personality disorder? He’s walked out on the teens crying hysterically and us all begging him to stay and still leaves, but then comes back. But then is mean to me for months on end and then leaves again. He will give me the silent treatment or play mind games with me. I so want him to get help so we can fix this but this time he seems serious about divorce and is living out of the house.

PP again. You mentioned childhood trauma. There is new research indicating that C-PTSD overlaps with borderline personality disorder. The common origin is relational trauma. The person has a core belief that others — the ones they are closest to — threaten their safety and the only way to protect themselves is to run away or fight them.

It’s really tough. If he’s not willing to get help, it’s hell for everyone else. I’m so sorry, but you need to educate yourself and detach. Show your kids that we don’t need to beg for someone to stay and that everyone makes their own choices. This is not a healthy dynamic for them and will lead them to choose someone who can’t emotionally care for them to reenact and “fix” this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Something else could easily be going on here - affairs, nefarious business issues.

However, your decision centers around either proactively divorcing once you’re ready, or relegating him to the sidelines/ live separately parallel lives, keep him away from the kids unless he’s having a “good day.” Maybe he can pick one “good day” for dinner with some of them.

Of course with these basket cases you have to pitch this as it’s all for HIS best and to make his life easier, etc.

Lots of people move out for treatment, maybe he’d be open to that eventually too.

[Anonymous]

As the daughter of 2 mentally ill parents - LEAVE HIM AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. You don't owe him anything. Your children will fare worse with the uncertainty and drama, so don't listen to anyone telling you that it's your responsibility to stay through this. It's not like cancer - it's not a disease like that and can't believe people compare it as such.

The kids seem older, but be sure custody isn't an issue. Document everything - dates of him ABANDONING you and your children, not returning calls, texts, if you have recorded anything (you should), etc.
Get your own bank account and credit cards if you don't already have them.
Agree with those who say to treat this like a job, be detached, and don't react to anything. Women are resilient - your life will be so much better soon.

[Anonymous]

OP - when you say he leaves you and won't answer phone, do you mean like walks out at 6pm without saying a word, returns later that night, and won't answer your calls to find out where he went?

ouch. could be going to drink or to gym to get out of the house and away from you, or to meet affair partner. might not be bipolar, might just be at wits end or be a cheating jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP HERE - I am happy to work with him to go to therapy, and try meds, and believe in marriage through it all, but he is refusing to do so. My kids are older teens and have called him on his behavior over and over, and are also fed up. He is angry, has outbursts, threatens to leave us, etc, then comes back and wants to forget it ever happened, place blame on them and me, etc. It is a cycle. He did contact a lawyer recently, changed his mind again and now changed his mind back. He is showing to be irrational and he used to be so sane. He also has a LOT of unresolved childhood trauma that he won't deal with. I am at a loss of how to help him and protect myself, and am scared to be alone.

Very immature on his part.
Then the teen kids are all looped into his back and forth antics.
This is simply not good for anyone of you all.

I agree. OP, try not to triangulate this with kids. I'd try to shield them as much as possible. If I had a house full of hysterical people, I might walk out in the evenings too

[Anonymous]

OP here - the cycles go like this, he announces to everyone that him and I are having problems and that he needs to move out of our home. My teenagers get very upset with him and beg him to stay. They cry and he refuses to stay, and eventually leaves. This has happened once a month for the past 5 months. Then he comes back after a few hours, sometimes after one night in a hotel, but this time he has been away for weeks. Once he moves back in at first, he apologizes and promises therapy, then he goes back to his old ways of being detached and angry, and then the cycle repeats itself. At this point, my kids do not want him to have custody, but he says he’s going to fight for it. He has filed something through a lawyer, but not divorce papers, but I have hired a lawyer

[Anonymous]

OP again - obviously him having a girlfriend makes the most sense, but I just don’t think that’s it. I do understand how that looks from an outside perspective and I have done some research, and I think it’s more mental illness than an affair. Not sure which one would be better to be honest.

[Anonymous]

OP - and when he leaves, he will never answer my calls, even if he’s gone for 24 hours. He will usually answer the kids calls once, but if they ask him questions about why he is doing what he’s doing, he doesn’t answer anymore after that, even if they call over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the cycles go like this, he announces to everyone that him and I are having problems and that he needs to move out of our home. My teenagers get very upset with him and beg him to stay. They cry and he refuses to stay, and eventually leaves. This has happened once a month for the past 5 months. Then he comes back after a few hours, sometimes after one night in a hotel, but this time he has been away for weeks. Once he moves back in at first, he apologizes and promises therapy, then he goes back to his old ways of being detached and angry, and then the cycle repeats itself. At this point, my kids do not want him to have custody, but he says he’s going to fight for it. He has filed something through a lawyer, but not divorce papers, but I have hired a lawyer

I wonder how it got here.

But where does he go for weeks??

[Anonymous]

Do your teens have counseling OP? Sounds like they could use it, and at least in VA they can get it without your husband needing to consent if they are 14 or older.

[Anonymous]

OP- this is the first time it’s been weeks and he had gotten temporary housing and consulted a lawyer before he left (all without me knowing)
Yes, my kids are over 14, and I will find a therapist today. It’s on my to do list along with many other things to protect myself.