Divorce advice

[Anonymous]

OP - I appreciate all of the advice and the support, and I’m happy to answer any questions. This is a really stressful time and this thread has been really helpful in helping me feel less alone, so thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- this is the first time it’s been weeks and he had gotten temporary housing and consulted a lawyer before he left (all without me knowing)
Yes, my kids are over 14, and I will find a therapist today. It’s on my to do list along with many other things to protect myself.

I'm the person who mentioned counseling and hugs OP. I too have a long list of things to do today relating to my DH's erratic behavior, only my kids are under 14 and so I also somehow have to convince DH that he should sign for them to get counseling.

[Anonymous]

How long this has been going on? How old is he?

46 and about a year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- this is the first time it’s been weeks and he had gotten temporary housing and consulted a lawyer before he left (all without me knowing)
Yes, my kids are over 14, and I will find a therapist today. It’s on my to do list along with many other things to protect myself.

Just let your lawyer take care of it. Ask if you can change the locks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

Maybe first try to get him help for his mental health?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

DO NOTHING. SAY NOTHING TO HIM.

Start ignoring him back.

Set up your life to function without him - nannies, sitters, friend groups, family, etc. Fill them all in on his mental issues and incapacities.

Stop covering for him in the house and out of the house.

Meet with a few divorce attorneys to understand likely outcome. Goal should be to mediate. Get financies in order, get your own bank account going.

Get the kids independent and communicate to them their father's mental issues, Set boundaries. Get them a therapist so they don't lap up what little attention them do get from him or seek other men.

Get a Phd level trauma therapist or one well versed or published in Cluster B or ASD/ Bipolar / Borderline disorders. Read books on AS/ NT relationships.
You have to detach emotionally from the relationship and from expecting normal behavior from him.

Be civil and upbreat with him, but in a Gray Rock type way. Give him NO ammo to argue.

He sounds too wishy washy to file for divorce so he may continue to try his passive aggressive approach. Ask him what he's hiding sicne it doesn't make sense. But be ready for anything. He's proven irrational. Knowing your legal options and the steps will help you make peace with his irrationalness.

Avoid people who use phrases like grey rocking. These are delusional concepts that control freaks use, thinking they are asserting control in a situation. It’s not actually effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- this is the first time it’s been weeks and he had gotten temporary housing and consulted a lawyer before he left (all without me knowing)
Yes, my kids are over 14, and I will find a therapist today. It’s on my to do list along with many other things to protect myself.

It sounds like he’s split all the way and the divorce is inevitable. I am PP with the similar situation, my XH was the same age as yours. I think their male menopause triggers their mental health issues TBH. It is a terrible year for many of my friends.

Lawyer and therapist. Get a therapist with a PsyD or PhD. Not a LICSW or LPW.

For custody, your kids are old enough to have their opinion about which parent they want to be with matter. He’s been demonstrably unstable and they can testify to that. I think that you’ll need to ask your lawyer how best to do this. A child advocate can help.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation to many who have posted. Would appreciate recommendations of lawyers in NOVA who can handle this type of situation. Therapist recommendations appreciated, as well.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all. For those who have been through it, does it get better? It is so hard right now.

- OP

[Anonymous]

You have to stop crying and carrying on when he says he is leaving. Model for your kids that you are strong.

You should get them into therapy, but you also need to get some perspective here and stop thinking any of you can work by crying and begging. You need to tell your kids that their dad doesn’t want to be married to you and that you are filing for divorce. Stop living at the whims of someone who seems to be having a mental health crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

DO NOTHING. SAY NOTHING TO HIM.

Start ignoring him back.

Set up your life to function without him - nannies, sitters, friend groups, family, etc. Fill them all in on his mental issues and incapacities.

Stop covering for him in the house and out of the house.

Meet with a few divorce attorneys to understand likely outcome. Goal should be to mediate. Get financies in order, get your own bank account going.

Get the kids independent and communicate to them their father's mental issues, Set boundaries. Get them a therapist so they don't lap up what little attention them do get from him or seek other men.

Get a Phd level trauma therapist or one well versed or published in Cluster B or ASD/ Bipolar / Borderline disorders. Read books on AS/ NT relationships.
You have to detach emotionally from the relationship and from expecting normal behavior from him.

Be civil and upbreat with him, but in a Gray Rock type way. Give him NO ammo to argue.

He sounds too wishy washy to file for divorce so he may continue to try his passive aggressive approach. Ask him what he's hiding sicne it doesn't make sense. But be ready for anything. He's proven irrational. Knowing your legal options and the steps will help you make peace with his irrationalness.

Avoid people who use phrases like grey rocking. These are delusional concepts that control freaks use, thinking they are asserting control in a situation. It’s not actually effective.

She’ll have to gray rock him during custody discussions whilst coparenting. It’s responding in a boring neutral short tone and content so they can’t DARVO you as much as normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to stop crying and carrying on when he says he is leaving. Model for your kids that you are strong.

You should get them into therapy, but you also need to get some perspective here and stop thinking any of you can work by crying and begging. You need to tell your kids that their dad doesn’t want to be married to you and that you are filing for divorce. Stop living at the whims of someone who seems to be having a mental health crisis.

I don't know if there's something like Al-Anon for spouses/loved ones with mental health issues, but that sounds like something that would be good for OP. A group that focuses on you and what you need to do for yourself and your kids, regardless of what the other person does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. For those who have been through it, does it get better? It is so hard right now.

- OP

PP here with the similar situation.

You are at the hardest point now. I had weeks where I was crying and just could not accept the situation, kept hoping and hoping we could find another way. Once I accepted it fully, it was SO easy. I realized I had been swimming upstream for so long.

Divorced life, IMO, has very few downsides. I kept the house. My career is taking off. My other relationships (friendships, family) got a lot stronger during this period. Feeling peaceful and realizing that so many of my health issues -- trouble sleeping, irregular cycles, stomach pains -- were all out of stress from the relationship. I have not felt so good in years. Everyone comments that I am glowing.

The kids are of course having a tough time, and that is hard. But it was harder for them to be exposed to his volatility and rage towards me. He has 50/50 and that situation is not perfect by any means. I do flex my work schedule and spend as much time with them as possible. I am committed to giving them the best home I can.

Most of all, I can give the kids something that I couldn't while married -- a mother who has self-respect and self-love. It is very hard for you right no OP because you have the worst of both worlds. You have no functional partner AND you need to put up with his emotional abuse. Once you eliminate the abuse, you'll figure out how to manage without a partner and you'll realize that it's so much easier than you feared because you've been doing it for a long time. As the dead space he took up in your life can finally start to live again, you'll find that it is filled with new and newly renewed relationships, joy, and hope.

Wishing you the best and hope you can look forward to things improving.

[Anonymous]

Ilona grenadier
Jim cottrell
Michelle Kaminski
Heather cooper
Christopher Malinowski

All NOVA area. Consultation is $300-700 for the 1 hour consult. Then to proceed they’ll want a retainer in the $5,000-20,000 range

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am headed towards a divorce at the age of 45. Two kids and husband is showing signs of being bipolar - he leaves us then comes back, wants a divorce then doesn't, stops answering his phone, etc. Any advice you wish you had before you went through a divorce (ex. wait a year to move, I wish we had approached the kids this way, etc). I am at a loss as to how to go about this and am feeling really overwhelmed.

DO NOTHING. SAY NOTHING TO HIM.

Start ignoring him back.

Set up your life to function without him - nannies, sitters, friend groups, family, etc. Fill them all in on his mental issues and incapacities.

Stop covering for him in the house and out of the house.

Meet with a few divorce attorneys to understand likely outcome. Goal should be to mediate. Get financies in order, get your own bank account going.

Get the kids independent and communicate to them their father's mental issues, Set boundaries. Get them a therapist so they don't lap up what little attention them do get from him or seek other men.

Get a Phd level trauma therapist or one well versed or published in Cluster B or ASD/ Bipolar / Borderline disorders. Read books on AS/ NT relationships.
You have to detach emotionally from the relationship and from expecting normal behavior from him.

Be civil and upbreat with him, but in a Gray Rock type way. Give him NO ammo to argue.

He sounds too wishy washy to file for divorce so he may continue to try his passive aggressive approach. Ask him what he's hiding sicne it doesn't make sense. But be ready for anything. He's proven irrational. Knowing your legal options and the steps will help you make peace with his irrationalness.

Avoid people who use phrases like grey rocking. These are delusional concepts that control freaks use, thinking they are asserting control in a situation. It’s not actually effective.

Oooh someone was grey rocked and didn't like it. It's a highly effective way of dealing with certain personality types, and they can't stand it.