Starting to set boundaries but no one respects them

[Anonymous]

So I recently started setting boundaries, but the main persons in my life don't respect them or become aggressive about them. I really try, but it's not working at all. The last resort would be to remove those people from my life but it's difficult because these people include H and other close family members. I see that the common denominator is me - I let people walk all over me, and people take advantage. So what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Give an example and we can give you suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.

^also, I can't just let my mom with dementia go without care. No one else is helping though. Not financially, not logistically, not with actual care work. No one even wants to meet with her anymore, forget about taking care. Not my sister, not her own brother, no one. My dad died years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I recently started setting boundaries, but the main persons in my life don't respect them or become aggressive about them. I really try, but it's not working at all. The last resort would be to remove those people from my life but it's difficult because these people include H and other close family members. I see that the common denominator is me - I let people walk all over me, and people take advantage. So what should I do?

Setting boundaries is all about your behavior. It isn't about forcing other people to change. What are your consequences when your boundaries are crossed?

You have no set boundaries if you aren't enforcing them. You have serious problems if your dh does not respect your boundaries.

In my case, I would not engage with someone who is rude or attempts to demean me. That means I hang up the phone, leave the house, leave the party, refuse to be around the person etc. Boundaries are useless if you don't enforce them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.

I have a similar husband. I do the things that I care about, that in my view, absolutely need to get done. This means most of the parenting (academic, medical, activities, etc), all the house cleaning, and all the pet care. My husband would live in filth if I didn't clean the house - since I don't want to live in filth, the cleaning is on me. He would take the pets to a shelter if ever I couldn't take care of them. So I take care of them. It took years, but my husband now cooks 50% of the time. I have entirely dropped the yard work. Most of the year, our yard look pretty bad. The neighbors are too kind to complain. When it's dire, my husband does something about it. He does home repairs pretty well, because he likes doing that. He's late filing our taxes most years. He hardly ever makes medical appointments for himself. Frequently forgets to call his mother. Has a tenuous relationship with his siblings. Not my problem.

As for the dementia, OP, do what you can. If you can't visit, you can't visit. If everyone calls you because your mother needs something, well, you'll get to it when you can. Do not feel guilty.

I suggest you go to therapy to reinforce to yourself what you envision your role to be, in your family and your wider circle. You can't give all the time and receive little in return. You need to protect yourself and put yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.

See above. Setting boundaries is not about making other people change. Boundaries are about YOUR actions. You refuse to take on any more work. If your dh is abusive you need counseling and probably need to separate.

[Anonymous]

Asking others to step up is different from setting boundaries. You can refuse to do something, but it doesn't mean others will do the job. If you engage in a game of chicken, the person who cares the least will win, because they will wait until you panic and do the work yourself. So either you decide that you don't care about whatever it is; or you decide it really matters to you and you'll do it. Living with a someone who cares less than you is hard, because inevitably it means you will do more than your fair share of the work (or pay to outsource), and you will need to let go of certain goals.

[Anonymous]

Your husband having a fit is an extinction burst. It is 100% to be expected. Just ignore.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries are for you not for them. They tell you when there need to be consequences.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So this is what happens if I set boundaries - they get ignored or I get abused. What happens if I ignore what H does? Well, he brought 3 dogs into the house and he does not clean up after them. If I don't do it, I live in filth, that's bad for my health. DH's tea;th is more robust and he doesn't care. If I stop working and stop supporting our family (because he has a horrible work history), we will be homeless and have no health insurance. I could just ignore my demented mother, she would start to vegetate away in her home and god knows what would happen. I could just ignore everything and everyone and start living by myself. It would even be great for myself, but it would be awful for DCs and my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So this is what happens if I set boundaries - they get ignored or I get abused. What happens if I ignore what H does? Well, he brought 3 dogs into the house and he does not clean up after them. If I don't do it, I live in filth, that's bad for my health. DH's tea;th is more robust and he doesn't care. If I stop working and stop supporting our family (because he has a horrible work history), we will be homeless and have no health insurance. I could just ignore my demented mother, she would start to vegetate away in her home and god knows what would happen. I could just ignore everything and everyone and start living by myself. It would even be great for myself, but it would be awful for DCs and my mom.

You need to divorce. He has terrible work history, you say? Then there are no financial benefits to staying married?
Also, you can rehome the dogs.
Wake up and look to your own financial wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, he brought 3 dogs into the house and he does not clean up after them. If I don't do it, I live in filth, that's bad for my health.

Tell us more. Are they pooping and peeing in the house? Shedding? Are you allergic to them (so health is clearly affected)?

Do they have the run of your whole house? Are there rooms you can keep them out of and retreat to?

What exactly is the boundary you set around the dogs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.

^also, I can't just let my mom with dementia go without care. No one else is helping though. Not financially, not logistically, not with actual care work. No one even wants to meet with her anymore, forget about taking care. Not my sister, not her own brother, no one. My dad died years ago.

Can you put her in memory care? This is not her brother's issue. It's for you and your sister to figure out. If she was such a bad mom or can't remember you anymore then put in her memory care and walk away. There is only so much one person can do.