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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

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Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.[/quote]

I have a similar husband. I do the things that I care about, that in my view, absolutely need to get done. This means most of the parenting (academic, medical, activities, etc), all the house cleaning, and all the pet care. My husband would live in filth if I didn't clean the house - since I don't want to live in filth, the cleaning is on me. He would take the pets to a shelter if ever I couldn't take care of them. So I take care of them. It took years, but my husband now cooks 50% of the time. I have entirely dropped the yard work. Most of the year, our yard look pretty bad. The neighbors are too kind to complain. When it's dire, my husband does something about it. He does home repairs pretty well, because he likes doing that. He's late filing our taxes most years. He hardly ever makes medical appointments for himself. Frequently forgets to call his mother. Has a tenuous relationship with his siblings. Not my problem.

As for the dementia, OP, do what you can. If you can't visit, you can't visit. If everyone calls you because your mother needs something, well, you'll get to it when you can. Do not feel guilty.

I suggest you go to therapy to reinforce to yourself what you envision your role to be, in your family and your wider circle. You can't give all the time and receive little in return. You need to protect yourself and put yourself first.
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