Starting to set boundaries but no one respects them

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP of the thread where the husband left for a different city but doesn't want you rehoming the 3 dogs he left with you and the kids?

You need to realize your husband has a mental health disorder who will never get better. You need to divorce.
That's your boundary right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the OP of the thread where the husband left for a different city but doesn't want you rehoming the 3 dogs he left with you and the kids?

You need to realize your husband has a mental health disorder who will never get better. You need to divorce.
That's your boundary right there.

Yes, and now he's back and it's not great. My therapist thinks he has a personality disorder. Also some paranoid traits. I signed the retainer agreement and need to pay the lawyer a hefty sum so he'll start working. I mean there is no way around it, but it hurts me a bit to spend that much. retainer is also non[refundable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.

^also, I can't just let my mom with dementia go without care. No one else is helping though. Not financially, not logistically, not with actual care work. No one even wants to meet with her anymore, forget about taking care. Not my sister, not her own brother, no one. My dad died years ago.

Can you put her in memory care? This is not her brother's issue. It's for you and your sister to figure out. If she was such a bad mom or can't remember you anymore then put in her memory care and walk away. There is only so much one person can do.

She was a great mom and I love her. She was also my best friend, we went on vacation together, took care of my DCs together when H was non-functional, etc. She went on our first ski trip with the kids, helped me braid their hair in the morning and helped my carry their skis. She brought me cappuccino in the morning when there wasn't any coffee in the hotel. She was utterly amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.

^also, I can't just let my mom with dementia go without care. No one else is helping though. Not financially, not logistically, not with actual care work. No one even wants to meet with her anymore, forget about taking care. Not my sister, not her own brother, no one. My dad died years ago.

Can you put her in memory care? This is not her brother's issue. It's for you and your sister to figure out. If she was such a bad mom or can't remember you anymore then put in her memory care and walk away. There is only so much one person can do.

She was a great mom and I love her. She was also my best friend, we went on vacation together, took care of my DCs together when H was non-functional, etc. She went on our first ski trip with the kids, helped me braid their hair in the morning and helped my carry their skis. She brought me cappuccino in the morning when there wasn't any coffee in the hotel. She was utterly amazing.

^ she sat beside me in the playground and we chatted while the kids played. We went to the opera together, to concerts and shopping. She was the best mom I could ever have imagined.

[Anonymous]

^ forgot to mention: she supported all my educational goals, even if my dad di not. I went to an expensive grad school and she made sure I was able to go (she did not pay for it all as she did not have enough money, but she paid all she could).

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. How old are your DCs and if you feel comfortable sharing, what state are you in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the OP of the thread where the husband left for a different city but doesn't want you rehoming the 3 dogs he left with you and the kids?

You need to realize your husband has a mental health disorder who will never get better. You need to divorce.
That's your boundary right there.

Yes, and now he's back and it's not great. My therapist thinks he has a personality disorder. Also some paranoid traits. I signed the retainer agreement and need to pay the lawyer a hefty sum so he'll start working. I mean there is no way around it, but it hurts me a bit to spend that much. retainer is also non[refundable.

Those are different labels that mean DH is mentally ill, OP.

How are the kids? Do they show signs of mental illness? How close are they to leaving home? Are they attached to the dogs?

You might want to continue threads rather than create new ones, info gets lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.

^also, I can't just let my mom with dementia go without care. No one else is helping though. Not financially, not logistically, not with actual care work. No one even wants to meet with her anymore, forget about taking care. Not my sister, not her own brother, no one. My dad died years ago.

Can you put her in memory care? This is not her brother's issue. It's for you and your sister to figure out. If she was such a bad mom or can't remember you anymore then put in her memory care and walk away. There is only so much one person can do.

She was a great mom and I love her. She was also my best friend, we went on vacation together, took care of my DCs together when H was non-functional, etc. She went on our first ski trip with the kids, helped me braid their hair in the morning and helped my carry their skis. She brought me cappuccino in the morning when there wasn't any coffee in the hotel. She was utterly amazing.

She sounds lovely, OP. The loving thing to do is find her memory care and visit often. You can’t work FT and keep her safe.

[Anonymous]

If you divorce your husband, can you move your mom in with you and hire a nurse to care for her during your working hours? Kind of like a nanny for grandma?

[Anonymous]

Other PP are correct. It's about yourself, not others. You have to mentally detach and give up the idea that you can do everything. Most people are lazy. Most would like to come home to a clean house, have a dinner on the table, kids well-cared for, pets nice and obedient etc. without putting any effort in. At some point, you have to give up the illusion and you'll find out that others will not die when you don't do anything. Like the PP I no longer cook for DH, our yard is a mess, I don't take anyone's calls if I don't want etc. You decide what you can do and do it. Everything else will have to wait or be never done. If someone gets abusive, you contact police or get out.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce. Don’t take the dogs.

Your life will be a million times easier without your husband and then you can focus on what is best for your mom.

You will have so much more peace and more money once you get rid of this hsuband.

[Anonymous]

I do think divorce is your only option for your H. Is there anything good about him? He sounds awful.

As for your sister or uncle...you can't make them into good people. Your mom was so wonderful. My mom had dementia and it nearly broke me, but she was a troubled person and I took care of her most of my life. So when her mind went, I didn't lose my greatest support...it actually simplified things in many ways since I mostly only had to take care of her physical needs rather than her emotional health. It would have been 10x more sad and draining if I missed support from her.

But you can't make your sister step up, or your uncle. You can only do what you can do. And let things go. Your mom would probably tell you first, if she could, to drop feeling guilty about her. If you have her somewhere safe, try to let the details go. Visit when you can and take care of YOU.

Rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Establish boundaries and follow through.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that you need to leave (moving out, taking the kids, and living with your mom seems like a place to start) but what you said about your husband concerns me. I know he's never hit you abusers become most dangerous when their partner is leaving. Has your therapist addressed this?

Personally, I think you should reach out to the domestic abuse hotline and/or local resources. They may have ideas . https://www.thehotline.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So this is what happens if I set boundaries - they get ignored or I get abused. What happens if I ignore what H does? Well, he brought 3 dogs into the house and he does not clean up after them. If I don't do it, I live in filth, that's bad for my health. DH's tea;th is more robust and he doesn't care. If I stop working and stop supporting our family (because he has a horrible work history), we will be homeless and have no health insurance. I could just ignore my demented mother, she would start to vegetate away in her home and god knows what would happen. I could just ignore everything and everyone and start living by myself. It would even be great for myself, but it would be awful for DCs and my mom.

Setting boundaries means you are realistic with what you are dealing with.

1. Re your dh - this is untenable. Divorce.
2. Move. Your dh is a bad husband and a bad roommate.
3. You need to work to support yourself and your children. You can not make your dh do anything. There are no magic words that will change him or this situation. You have to work to provide a home and health insurance for yourself and your children.
4. Do not take the dogs. They are your dh's.
4. Your mother's care may be beyond your abilities.