Starting to set boundaries but no one respects them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ forgot to mention: she supported all my educational goals, even if my dad di not. I went to an expensive grad school and she made sure I was able to go (she did not pay for it all as she did not have enough money, but she paid all she could).

Your mother cared about you but it sounds like she hurt herself to help you. That isn't what you should do or look up to. Your goal should not be to hurt yourself to take care of others. People who have boundaries understand the airline safety lesson about grabbing the oxygen mask before you help anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce your husband, can you move your mom in with you and hire a nurse to care for her during your working hours? Kind of like a nanny for grandma?

That could be absolutely overwhelming for someone in op's position.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm surprised that you are in therapy and don't understand boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ forgot to mention: she supported all my educational goals, even if my dad di not. I went to an expensive grad school and she made sure I was able to go (she did not pay for it all as she did not have enough money, but she paid all she could).

Your mother cared about you but it sounds like she hurt herself to help you. That isn't what you should do or look up to. Your goal should not be to hurt yourself to take care of others. People who have boundaries understand the airline safety lesson about grabbing the oxygen mask before you help anyone else.

I don't think she hurt herself by helping me. She had a great time as well - just like I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I recently started setting boundaries, but the main persons in my life don't respect them or become aggressive about them. I really try, but it's not working at all. The last resort would be to remove those people from my life but it's difficult because these people include H and other close family members. I see that the common denominator is me - I let people walk all over me, and people take advantage. So what should I do?

Be like a two year old and learn to say "No."

Just keep saying "No" until it becomes an ingrained habit.

That's really all you need to do.

Say "No." Keep saying "No" and eventually you will modify your relationships in a better diirection respecting of your boundaries.

No explanations are necessary: Just say "no" and just keep saying it over and over and over....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're used to the old you. Ingrained dynamics between people are really hard to break. That's what happens when adult siblings return to the family home for the Holidays, and ancient rivalries and hierarchies resurface like no time has passed at all.

You will actually have to enact severe consequences for them to believe the new you, OP.

If you've kids, try couple's counseling where you two can learn civil and effective communication skills.

Everyone is used to me giving in, taking responsibility, taking on the work. I can't do it anymore. How do I get people to step up? Mostly the issue is H, when I tried to set boundaries, he started becoming aggressive and absuive (verbally, but still). I am thinking divorce is the only solution. It's been a year.