How can I stop ruminating this event that happened decades ago?

[Anonymous]

When I was 25, I had a really awful experience at work. It’s hard to explain but I’ll try.

I had a task to work on while my boss was out of town. A man who was acting as my boss in her absence, told me not to work on the task and to work on something else instead. Unbeknownst to me, he recruited help from one of my coworkers and finished the task himself. When my actual boss returned, he threw me under the bus, acted clueless, and blamed me for my laziness, saying he had to do my work for me.

It was awful and the situation really bruised my confidence. It didn’t help that I had to see him occasionally and he always gave me this look, like a barely noticeable head shake, like I was a huge disappointment.

I’m 45 now and have had multiple jobs between that one and where I am now, which is in a completely different career field altogether. I can see that man for exactly the type of man he is, and I know exactly how I would deal with that sort of interaction today. But every time I think of that situation now, I become that 25yo girl again.

And I think of it often. It’ll just come to my mind and I’ll feel ashamed and embarrassed and confused. It’s palpable. And I have no idea why I do this to myself. But I want to stop ruminating over this. In the great scheme of things, this one thing at a meaningless job means nothing. If anything, it helped me grow.

So why do I do this? Maybe if I know why, it’ll help me stop.

[Anonymous]

I am going to be boring and recommend therapy. Not talk therapy but CBT therapy. You probably ruminate on this because what happened was really unfair to you and nothing rankles like injustice! But since there’s nothing you can do to change what happened, CBT will give you strategies to move past it.

[Anonymous]

You have nothing to be ashamed of! He was the jerk who threw you under the bus. Is it possible you are ashamed that in the moment you didn’t stick up for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to be boring and recommend therapy. Not talk therapy but CBT therapy. You probably ruminate on this because what happened was really unfair to you and nothing rankles like injustice! But since there’s nothing you can do to change what happened, CBT will give you strategies to move past it.

I think you’re on to something. It definitely feels like an injustice. I’d give anything to go back with the wisdom and confidence of a 45yo woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have nothing to be ashamed of! He was the jerk who threw you under the bus. Is it possible you are ashamed that in the moment you didn’t stick up for yourself?

100%! I think that’s the issue. I know exactly how I would stick up for myself today, and I am so upset that that young girl didn’t know what to do. I am so pissed off at that man for taking advantage of that.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, that's really unfair, OP. Something that helps me is allowing myself to kind of sit with an event, like I will lay down, clear my head, and really ruminate on the event as much as I can. Allow myself to feel the emotions, to feel the pain. Afterwards I almost always feel better. And realize that the person who did it has their own problems/anger/trauma that made them act that way (not excusing it, just saying it kind of makes it easier knowing that theyre suffering too, and have their own karma/pain to deal with. That makes me happy)

[Anonymous]

I imagine you still think about this because you were a victim and then not believed. There are fewer feelings worse in this world than being victimized and then not believed. What I always say to myself is that you did the best with the information you had at the time. You were 25 and if you were more experienced, he wouldn’t have done that to you. Forgive yourself and him… if he knew better, he would’ve done better.

[Anonymous]

I have had a similar situation, OP. I think the thing to ask yourself is would you be able to stand up for yourself today if you hadn't learned this lesson at a young age early in your career? Don't thank him but thank the moment that you moved forward and became a badass. Talk about your experience so others can learn from it, advocate for younger team members! you've got this.

[Anonymous]

I've had two really bad work situations: one with a mentally ill colleague who berated me before resigning, and another one with a boss who was known for being verbally abusive (yet is still head of the non-profit I worked for!). Both those things happened 10+ years ago and I still feel as awful thinking back on them as I did at the time. I rationally know these women had massive issues, but in my head it all still makes me feel like a loser.

[Anonymous]

This amount of rumination is rarely about the incident itself. Rather, you probably do this because the incident triggers an emotion you felt during childhood that made you feel horrible.

If I had to guess, I'd assume that you grew up feeling like a disappointment to at least one of your parents. What was the family dynamic like? Did you have any siblings, and did you feel like you were in their shadow?

The answer to why this incident is haunting you, 20 years later, is in your childhood.

Be kind to yourself.

Signed,
A ruminator who has been to therapy

[Anonymous]

I think you have to just trust that time will do its work.
Honestly, I had something similar happen when I was 22 and somewhere around 40 I would remember occasionally but the shame had gone away. I am not sure why it went away, but I know I was tired of feeling those feelings.
So, not really helpful advice, but maybe just recognize feelings and be confident that they will go away eventually. "Time heals all wounds" is a cliche for a reason.

[Anonymous]

CBT yourself -there are lots of good books. (Or get a CBT therapist if you have time and can find one.) as you get started remember to mentally note or rate how bad the thought is making you feel and compare it to how you feel after going through a CBT exercise.

It may still be a sore point but seeing that you can go from an 8/10 on “shame and embarrassment” to a 3/10 after spending 10 minutes doing a straightforward CBT exercise is very encouraging!

[Anonymous]

Release what no longer serves you.
Whatever the rumination did for you is past. It no longer serves you.
Just say I release this because it no longer serves me.
I release my reaction and feelings about person X because it no longer serves me.
Then move on.
Repeat as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have nothing to be ashamed of! He was the jerk who threw you under the bus. Is it possible you are ashamed that in the moment you didn’t stick up for yourself?

100%! I think that’s the issue. I know exactly how I would stick up for myself today, and I am so upset that that young girl didn’t know what to do. I am so pissed off at that man for taking advantage of that.

I think every woman in the corporate world in her 20's has cried at or at least about work, and also not known how to stand up for herself. It takes time to learn these things. Sometimes you learn from experience and sometimes through making friends with a coworker who has a bit more experience than you who tells you and helps.

[Anonymous]

Keeping that resentment is dragging that person around with you all your life.
Yuck.
Release. Let go. Drop the rope.