How can I stop ruminating this event that happened decades ago?

[Anonymous]

I was used and abused at a nonprofit in my mid-20s and then fired for bogus reasons. Ugh, so regret the time I spent there and time wasted...and the horrible supervisor even gave me a bad reference which I think led to me not getting a job.

If I knew then, what I knew now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 25, I had a really awful experience at work. It’s hard to explain but I’ll try.

I had a task to work on while my boss was out of town. A man who was acting as my boss in her absence, told me not to work on the task and to work on something else instead. Unbeknownst to me, he recruited help from one of my coworkers and finished the task himself. When my actual boss returned, he threw me under the bus, acted clueless, and blamed me for my laziness, saying he had to do my work for me.

It was awful and the situation really bruised my confidence. It didn’t help that I had to see him occasionally and he always gave me this look, like a barely noticeable head shake, like I was a huge disappointment.

I’m 45 now and have had multiple jobs between that one and where I am now, which is in a completely different career field altogether. I can see that man for exactly the type of man he is, and I know exactly how I would deal with that sort of interaction today. But every time I think of that situation now, I become that 25yo girl again.

And I think of it often. It’ll just come to my mind and I’ll feel ashamed and embarrassed and confused. It’s palpable. And I have no idea why I do this to myself. But I want to stop ruminating over this. In the great scheme of things, this one thing at a meaningless job means nothing. If anything, it helped me grow.

So why do I do this? Maybe if I know why, it’ll help me stop.

Always confirm instructions by email. COVER YOUR @$$!

[Anonymous]

Revenge for hire? Some great companies out there. Not criminal, of course. But pretty funny and clever stuff. I’ve never used that type of service. I’m stealth and I don’t even have to think when defending others and younger self against creepy old guys.

[Anonymous]

I suggest trying to figure out what present concern or feeling of powerlessness is bringing this event back to mind. What fear in the present gains its power from you identifying as powerless and a victim based on this past event?

[Anonymous]

Adding: this is an important topic. Morbid reflection can be and is crippling for lots of people.

[Anonymous]

From AI

It sounds like this experience left a deep emotional imprint, not just because it was unfair but because it violated a sense of trust, integrity, and self-worth at a formative time in your professional life. Even though you intellectually understand the situation now and know how you’d handle it differently, your emotional memory is still holding onto the feelings of betrayal, confusion, and shame from when you were 25.

There are a few psychological reasons why you might still ruminate on it:
1. Unresolved Emotional Processing – Your brain never got the closure it needed. At the time, you didn’t have the tools or confidence to push back, and so that younger version of you is still frozen in that moment, feeling powerless. Even though you’ve grown, that part of you still wants validation and resolution.
2. Shame and Self-Perception – The fact that he was able to manipulate the situation and make you look bad likely hit at your core sense of competence and self-worth. Even though you now know it wasn’t your fault, shame has a way of sticking because it makes us question ourselves deeply.
3. Survival Mechanism – The brain replays painful experiences to “protect” you from future harm. By keeping the memory alive, it’s as if your mind is saying, Never let this happen again. The problem is, you already have the wisdom and strength to prevent it now, but your brain hasn’t quite let go of its old way of guarding you.
4. The Body Remembers – Even if your logical brain knows better, the emotional and physical memory of the experience (the sinking feeling, the embarrassment, the helplessness) can still be triggered when you think about it. It’s like muscle memory for emotions.

How to Stop Ruminating
• Reframe the Memory – When it comes up, try deliberately changing your perspective. Instead of re-experiencing the shame, talk to your younger self as your current, wiser self: That wasn’t on you. You were set up. You didn’t fail—he failed as a leader. You’re strong now, and you would never let that happen again.
• Give Your Younger Self Closure – Write a letter to your 25-year-old self, validating her feelings and giving her the guidance and compassion she didn’t have then.

[Anonymous]

Go to therapy or write everything down about it. Mentally, put this information/incident in a mental file and lock it in your brain.

Then, each time you feel bad about it, remember that you have already thought about it and that it is in a file in your mind. You do not have to revisit it because nothing new has happened. Then you go and live your best life.

[Anonymous]

Second CBT or EMDR to dislodge/rescript stamped trauma. It works.

[Anonymous]

CBT was my first thought as well. You need to change your thinking on this, and you need some help to get there.

[Anonymous]

If it helps any, I'm 51 and still remember an interview fresh out of college for an entry level editorial assistant job at a non profit where this kid, yeah, kid (was probably 26) asked me if I was so 'up' for the difficulty of the job.

I said: "Yes, of course, I'm up for any challenge and don't stop until I have a solution!"

He then blurts out, half chuckling: "Well, then, why didn't you get a 4.0 in college?

Thirty years later I still have visions of pummeling this pencil necked geek into a puddle of piss.

How many interviewees did he attempt to embarass just for his own amusement?

I'd pay $1000 right now if someone could give me his name.

To this day I envision beating the living snot out of him

[Anonymous]

^😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it helps any, I'm 51 and still remember an interview fresh out of college for an entry level editorial assistant job at a non profit where this kid, yeah, kid (was probably 26) asked me if I was so 'up' for the difficulty of the job.

I said: "Yes, of course, I'm up for any challenge and don't stop until I have a solution!"

He then blurts out, half chuckling: "Well, then, why didn't you get a 4.0 in college?

Thirty years later I still have visions of pummeling this pencil necked geek into a puddle of piss.

How many interviewees did he attempt to embarass just for his own amusement?

I'd pay $1000 right now if someone could give me his name.

To this day I envision beating the living snot out of him

A 3.0 GPA is still bigger than your dick!

[Anonymous]

Write an article, publish on linked in. Use a pseudonym for the guy like Revin Kiley or something so people know who it is. Tag your old boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it helps any, I'm 51 and still remember an interview fresh out of college for an entry level editorial assistant job at a non profit where this kid, yeah, kid (was probably 26) asked me if I was so 'up' for the difficulty of the job.

I said: "Yes, of course, I'm up for any challenge and don't stop until I have a solution!"

He then blurts out, half chuckling: "Well, then, why didn't you get a 4.0 in college?

Thirty years later I still have visions of pummeling this pencil necked geek into a puddle of piss.

How many interviewees did he attempt to embarass just for his own amusement?

I'd pay $1000 right now if someone could give me his name.

To this day I envision beating the living snot out of him

A 3.0 GPA is still bigger than your dick!

To my credit, I did manage to spit back:

"Hey, somebody had to drink the beer and bed the girls."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This amount of rumination is rarely about the incident itself. Rather, you probably do this because the incident triggers an emotion you felt during childhood that made you feel horrible.

If I had to guess, I'd assume that you grew up feeling like a disappointment to at least one of your parents. What was the family dynamic like? Did you have any siblings, and did you feel like you were in their shadow?

The answer to why this incident is haunting you, 20 years later, is in your childhood.

Be kind to yourself.

Signed,
A ruminator who has been to therapy

Agree. What is this incident triggering from the past?
Sometimes understanding the origin will help stop the rumination. But that is only the rationale part. If your 25 y/o self went to you for advice, what would you do? What would you tell her? Try giving her a big hug. See if that helps the emotional part.