Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

If you want to be with your grandkids more, you need to move to be near them or make the effort. Obviously.

My MIL moved closer, my FIL did not, so she is very involved in their lives, whereas our kids didn't even know him -- he never came to visit our kids and died before he ever even met our youngest. The older kids got to visit him a few times, but that time was split up among visiting all the different families we had to go see while there, and it was a very expensive trip for us as young family just starting out in life with very little time off work allowed. My kids are adults now and none of them remember him at all. It's very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

No one involved in this hates me; I thought I clarified that my kids are very warm with me. And they will warm up to my gf with time, and are perhaps even wise enough to know and be grateful that she is able to love me and make me happy vs. their somewhat unhinged mother who certainly stopped doing those things decades ago.

And I’m not at all a misogynist or a deadbeat (I do 90% of the shopping and cooking for instance). But men and women and girls and boys are different and tend to have different strengths /weaknesses, with plenty of exceptions of course, such as me being thrilled to do the shopping/cooking. But I’m also good at fixing tractors, though not so great at organizing get togethers.

People here are cruelly piling on OP.

That is how DCUM threads go, OP. Once the dominant tone of comments is established, most people who comment agree with it.

OP, it's good that you're asking the questions you are. You've gotten a lot of scorn but not a lot of advice.

If you can't figure out what to do next, then maybe just ask your kids outright what events and activities would be most meaningful for you to participate in. Then pencil in some of those. I lived 4 hours away from my parents and college boyfriend during my early working years. And I made a lot of car trips back. A trip of that length is relatively easy to fit into a schedule.

Also don't use the word "abandoning" to characterize a couple doing things separately on a weekend. There are lots of couples who have loving relationships but a lot of independent hobbies.

If you just start making a few more trips, it will probably help relationships.

Another thing to mention...don't try to buy kids' affection with random presents. Try to learn their personalities and interests and ask their parents before buying expensive or large gifts. E.g., don't show up with a Big Wheel because you felt like it. And follow the house rules. My dad was bad at that and we were concerned he was not safety-minded enough because he did not respect our house rules regarding what was age appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

No one involved in this hates me; I thought I clarified that my kids are very warm with me. And they will warm up to my gf with time, and are perhaps even wise enough to know and be grateful that she is able to love me and make me happy vs. their somewhat unhinged mother who certainly stopped doing those things decades ago.

And I’m not at all a misogynist or a deadbeat (I do 90% of the shopping and cooking for instance). But men and women and girls and boys are different and tend to have different strengths /weaknesses, with plenty of exceptions of course, such as me being thrilled to do the shopping/cooking. But I’m also good at fixing tractors, though not so great at organizing get togethers.

No actually. Your entire fake posts are that your family is not nearly warm the way her family is. Nice fake touch with the tractor though.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a replacement father to my GFs kids or grandkids as I have my own. I’m friendly with them, get along very well and spend time with them when it’s convenient. She’s the same with my kids and grandkids. My kids live nearby but I don’t expect her to tag along with me as I attend grandkids sporting events. I don’t expect her to go but I invite her as a courtesy. Your GF can’t expect you to be a perfect replacement for her late husband as you have your own family. Man up and tell her that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

No one involved in this hates me; I thought I clarified that my kids are very warm with me. And they will warm up to my gf with time, and are perhaps even wise enough to know and be grateful that she is able to love me and make me happy vs. their somewhat unhinged mother who certainly stopped doing those things decades ago.

And I’m not at all a misogynist or a deadbeat (I do 90% of the shopping and cooking for instance). But men and women and girls and boys are different and tend to have different strengths /weaknesses, with plenty of exceptions of course, such as me being thrilled to do the shopping/cooking. But I’m also good at fixing tractors, though not so great at organizing get togethers.

People here are cruelly piling on OP.

That is how DCUM threads go, OP. Once the dominant tone of comments is established, most people who comment agree with it.

OP, it's good that you're asking the questions you are. You've gotten a lot of scorn but not a lot of advice.

If you can't figure out what to do next, then maybe just ask your kids outright what events and activities would be most meaningful for you to participate in. Then pencil in some of those. I lived 4 hours away from my parents and college boyfriend during my early working years. And I made a lot of car trips back. A trip of that length is relatively easy to fit into a schedule.

Also don't use the word "abandoning" to characterize a couple doing things separately on a weekend. There are lots of couples who have loving relationships but a lot of independent hobbies.

If you just start making a few more trips, it will probably help relationships.

Another thing to mention...don't try to buy kids' affection with random presents. Try to learn their personalities and interests and ask their parents before buying expensive or large gifts. E.g., don't show up with a Big Wheel because you felt like it. And follow the house rules. My dad was bad at that and we were concerned he was not safety-minded enough because he did not respect our house rules regarding what was age appropriate.

I appreciate your constructiveness. It’s weird to be simultaneously be accused of being a terrible person and of being a troll. I think that anyone who draws this much scorn should be deemed a non troll in summary judgment.

[Anonymous]

You need to set your priorities straight. You love your gf and are a bit dumbstruck by her even, that’s fine, many old men are like that. But remember your primary responsibility is to your blood family. Your kids and grandkids. Stop tagging along to everything she wants you to tag along! Be a man. Go see your own kids and start the wealth transfer now before it all goes to the wifey and her spawn!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Well, I can't blame her for wanting to go to all the things if they are not far. That ratio is bad but what do you want to do to make it fair? Accompany her less, or go to more of your family's events, or move closer to your family?

She is very busy; there is no way she could handle a 1:1 ratio. So this works for her. But it makes me annoyed/feeling guilty/resentful. And my kids (maybe understandably) aren’t always so thrilled about her presence.

If you don’t do something about this situation soon, the feelings of annoyance/guilt/and resentment will kill the relationship anyway - problem solved.

What are your and your girlfriend’s ages? How many kids does she have and how old?

It's so obvious that she is younger than he is.

Not sure how this grandma is obviously younger than I. She’s not, but what’s more relevant is that there are lots and lots of grown kids, partners, and grandchildren, of roughly equal numbers.

[Anonymous]

OP, I stopped reading after only a few pages. I'm a DIL, so here's my perspective: when my FIL (widower) remarried a widow, his kids were in their mid-20s-30s (us, with 3 kids already, aged 7 months - 7 years), and her kids were 12-early 20s. He kept saying he wanted to come see us (45-minute drive) and missed our kids so much but 2 of his wife's kids were still home (aged 12 and 14), and he didn't want to leave them alone for a weekend or even an overnight. He ultimately only came to us (or my SIL) when his wife and her daughters were out of town. Finally, my SIL told him that she's not his back-up plan, and if he wants to see her, he needs to come even if his wife won't/can't because of her kids. He has effectively stopped going to her (because he always prioritized his wife and her kids) and they have a strained relationship. He barely came to us, and now that he wants to come over, our kids are ages 12-20 and want to spend their time with their friends, not their grandfather.

The point of this is to say, unless you make your kids and grandkids a priority NOW, it will soon be too late, and no one will make time for you. My husband and I agree (in spirit) with his sister that we are not the back-up plan, although my husband does allow his dad to come over when his wife is out of town (her kids are all grown and in FL; we are still 45 minutes away from my FIL, in the DC area). I have stepped out for other reasons, but they do include the fact that he doesn't prioritize his own family over hers.

When they visit now, we keep it short and the kids only come see them when it's convenient; if they are doing homework, that takes precedence, since FIL never made time for them.

The Cats in the Cradle song isn't only a song; it's a realistic timeline of what can happen if you don't make time for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Above PP is right. Children are most interested in grandparents when they are young. And then maybe after college.

My FIL didn't live to see grandkids. My MIL is states away and too timid and now too unwell to drive to us. We see her 1-2 times per year.

My dad is losing his marbles. I'm glad my kids played with him a lot and talked on the phone with him when they were small. They definitely will remember what he was like. My mom will likely be around 10 more years. She may see great-grands if she's lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

No one involved in this hates me; I thought I clarified that my kids are very warm with me. And they will warm up to my gf with time, and are perhaps even wise enough to know and be grateful that she is able to love me and make me happy vs. their somewhat unhinged mother who certainly stopped doing those things decades ago.

And I’m not at all a misogynist or a deadbeat (I do 90% of the shopping and cooking for instance). But men and women and girls and boys are different and tend to have different strengths /weaknesses, with plenty of exceptions of course, such as me being thrilled to do the shopping/cooking. But I’m also good at fixing tractors, though not so great at organizing get togethers.

You're delusional. Of course you're a dead beat. You won't even drive to visit them. And saying that women are better at "X thing I don't want to do" is misogynistic. I feel so bad for your children and grandchildren to have such a self involved loser as their grand/parent.

[Anonymous]

Maybe like how you're not good at organizing get-togethers, your adult children aren't good at liking your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

No one involved in this hates me; I thought I clarified that my kids are very warm with me. And they will warm up to my gf with time, and are perhaps even wise enough to know and be grateful that she is able to love me and make me happy vs. their somewhat unhinged mother who certainly stopped doing those things decades ago.

And I’m not at all a misogynist or a deadbeat (I do 90% of the shopping and cooking for instance). But men and women and girls and boys are different and tend to have different strengths /weaknesses, with plenty of exceptions of course, such as me being thrilled to do the shopping/cooking. But I’m also good at fixing tractors, though not so great at organizing get togethers.

People here are cruelly piling on OP.

That is how DCUM threads go, OP. Once the dominant tone of comments is established, most people who comment agree with it.

OP, it's good that you're asking the questions you are. You've gotten a lot of scorn but not a lot of advice.

If you can't figure out what to do next, then maybe just ask your kids outright what events and activities would be most meaningful for you to participate in. Then pencil in some of those. I lived 4 hours away from my parents and college boyfriend during my early working years. And I made a lot of car trips back. A trip of that length is relatively easy to fit into a schedule.

Also don't use the word "abandoning" to characterize a couple doing things separately on a weekend. There are lots of couples who have loving relationships but a lot of independent hobbies.

If you just start making a few more trips, it will probably help relationships.

Another thing to mention...don't try to buy kids' affection with random presents. Try to learn their personalities and interests and ask their parents before buying expensive or large gifts. E.g., don't show up with a Big Wheel because you felt like it. And follow the house rules. My dad was bad at that and we were concerned he was not safety-minded enough because he did not respect our house rules regarding what was age appropriate.

I appreciate your constructiveness. It’s weird to be simultaneously be accused of being a terrible person and of being a troll. I think that anyone who draws this much scorn should be deemed a non troll in summary judgment.

It wasn't "simultaneous." I called you a terrible person and a terrible father, and someone else called you a troll. Not simultaneously.

Believe me, you are drawing "this much scorn" in real life, too. Weak, passive, chooses to prioritize the cunning lady he is having sex with over his own kids. You are pretty gross. I pity your kids.

[Anonymous]

Could be both. The DCUM troll taking on a scumbag persona in the fake original post and fake follow up posts.

[Anonymous]

So my dad is a version of OP and I’m going to extend my personal thanks to him because this thread encouraged me to stand up to my Dad. I’m the poster upthread whose dad is on his third wife and has always prioritized his partners over his first set of kids. I am the only one of his kids to become a parent, and sometimes he will randomly decide that he wants to have a relationship with my daughter who is a tween. This week, he decided that he wants them to do simultaneous cooking lessons together and FaceTime while doing it on a school night. Before, I would have tried to make this work because he has always given me so little of himself. This time I put my foot down. I said Dad, I am really glad that you want to connect with Larla. But I am already an overwhelmed parent with a tween and school nights are too stressful for us. We want to see you more often, so come visit us. You can come anytime you want and we will welcome you and make the time. And you know what? He’s going to. We put a date on the calendar for next month. I’m really glad that I advocated for myself and that he accepted. If he had declined or left me on read, I wasn’t going to make any further effort and it simply would’ve been his loss. I love him, but I’m not going to chase him anymore. It just doesn’t work.

This is how relationship stay intact OP. Take a note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my dad is a version of OP and I’m going to extend my personal thanks to him because this thread encouraged me to stand up to my Dad. I’m the poster upthread whose dad is on his third wife and has always prioritized his partners over his first set of kids. I am the only one of his kids to become a parent, and sometimes he will randomly decide that he wants to have a relationship with my daughter who is a tween. This week, he decided that he wants them to do simultaneous cooking lessons together and FaceTime while doing it on a school night. Before, I would have tried to make this work because he has always given me so little of himself. This time I put my foot down. I said Dad, I am really glad that you want to connect with Larla. But I am already an overwhelmed parent with a tween and school nights are too stressful for us. We want to see you more often, so come visit us. You can come anytime you want and we will welcome you and make the time. And you know what? He’s going to. We put a date on the calendar for next month. I’m really glad that I advocated for myself and that he accepted. If he had declined or left me on read, I wasn’t going to make any further effort and it simply would’ve been his loss. I love him, but I’m not going to chase him anymore. It just doesn’t work.

This is how relationship stay intact OP. Take a note.

I think the problem is that the most important relationship to OP is with his girlfriend. Not his kids, not his grandkids. And he sees nothing wrong with this. He's simply annoyed his kids/grandkids aren't "warm" with the girlfriend, and they don't seem to accept that of course dad's new bedpartner is the priority.