Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Are you breastfeeding? I feel like it is probably hormones. Op again. Yes. Someone already suggested I stop and I won't be doing that breastfeeding is important to both of us."

Isn't maintaining an exclusive sexual relationship with one another also important to both of you? If you want your kids to grow up in a happy home with married parents, it should be.

I'm a woman and a bio mom who gave birth vaginally. I'm struggling to understand why you're not interested in offering the person you love and married a HJ or BJ when you don't feel up for PIV. Those have nothing to do with your perhaps still healing V. You don't need to be turned on to do that. I'm older (almost 60) and sometimes my even older partner doesn't feel up for PIV, so he happily does other things that will satisfy me. I probably wouldn't stay with him if he didn't, since I already have plenty of platonic friends I could hang out with instead of participating in a sham relationship. If he were feeling ill, I'd expect him to take action quickly to resolve the problem. It wouldn't work as a romantic or sexual relationship if he expected me to be celibate indefinitely while he did nothing to get things back on track. A marriage license doesn't somehow change this fundamental truth. At best, being married buys you a bit more time till he throws in the towel.

It's normal to sometimes not feel like PIV, so you give a HJ or BJ as a gift/act of service instead. You know full well that if when you were still dating pre-engagement, you had suddenly refused to do anything sexual at all for more than a short period of time, you two never would have gotten married. And why? Because nobody marries someone to make them a platonic roommate. For you to refuse to relate to him sexually now that you're married seems to be a bait and switch. It's like you believe he's trapped, but you're wrong. Nobody agrees to be celibate for years when they make their wedding vows. You claim he wouldn't leave, but why would you want to risk that with someone you supposedly love and cherish?

+1000

+2000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an actual aversion to any sexual contact with your husband, while not your fault, is still your responsibility to solve if you possibly can. It is a much bigger problem than formula.

Ok right - one more thing for the new mom to “solve”
Poor babies all of you men

Actually I’m a mom of six who’s had periods of serious aversion to sex while pregnant, and it sucked for me and it sucked for my husband. I know whereof I speak!

Oh you again. You accept a lot as normal which the rest of us don’t. Like a husband who mocks you for being fat or not caring for his own baby. Not surprised for your “advice” here.

I’m not sure who you’re talking about but that’s not me. I’m the one saying OP should be honest with her husband about what’s going on with her and have an adult conversation about what’s the best thing to do is (but I think breastfeeding isn’t worth the strain on the marriage).

Yeah, I’m sure there a lot mothers of 6 posting on here.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/1273509.page

I’m not the one you’re responding to in this thread… but that’s a different poster than the one you’re accusing. Ask Jeff if you must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an actual aversion to any sexual contact with your husband, while not your fault, is still your responsibility to solve if you possibly can. It is a much bigger problem than formula.

Ok right - one more thing for the new mom to “solve”
Poor babies all of you men

Actually I’m a mom of six who’s had periods of serious aversion to sex while pregnant, and it sucked for me and it sucked for my husband. I know whereof I speak!

Oh you again. You accept a lot as normal which the rest of us don’t. Like a husband who mocks you for being fat or not caring for his own baby. Not surprised for your “advice” here.

I’m not sure who you’re talking about but that’s not me. I’m the one saying OP should be honest with her husband about what’s going on with her and have an adult conversation about what’s the best thing to do is (but I think breastfeeding isn’t worth the strain on the marriage).

This is ridiculous. The baby is 5 months old. There is definitely a time to prioritize the husband’s needs over the child’s needs….but a 5 month old baby’s feeding & nutrition (so the DH can get more sex) is definitely not one of those times.

And I am not a militant breastfeeding type either (quit early with all three of mine…it just didn’t go well for either babies or me). But if breastfeeding is going well, of course it should be prioritized. It is a baby. If the kid was closer to a year old or something, I would tend to agree with you.

I definitely don't agree women should have sex when they don't want to.

But, OP didn't want sex with him before kids, it's been at least 15 months since they've had sex, and her H is requesting SOMETHING. This isn't a guy pushing for 5 times a week and 6 weeks postpartum. This is a guy who hasn't had any sex in over a year asking for a freaking HJ once in awhile.

OP needs to figure out why she doesn't want sex at all, even before kids, because that's not normal. And if that's just who she is, she needs to let her H get it elsewhere.

Imagine if a woman asked for the smallest form of emotional support after over a year of getting none and her H responded "sorry, kids are the priority right now, maybe in a few years I can".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an actual aversion to any sexual contact with your husband, while not your fault, is still your responsibility to solve if you possibly can. It is a much bigger problem than formula.

Ok right - one more thing for the new mom to “solve”
Poor babies all of you men

Actually I’m a mom of six who’s had periods of serious aversion to sex while pregnant, and it sucked for me and it sucked for my husband. I know whereof I speak!

Oh you again. You accept a lot as normal which the rest of us don’t. Like a husband who mocks you for being fat or not caring for his own baby. Not surprised for your “advice” here.

I’m not sure who you’re talking about but that’s not me. I’m the one saying OP should be honest with her husband about what’s going on with her and have an adult conversation about what’s the best thing to do is (but I think breastfeeding isn’t worth the strain on the marriage).

This is ridiculous. The baby is 5 months old. There is definitely a time to prioritize the husband’s needs over the child’s needs….but a 5 month old baby’s feeding & nutrition (so the DH can get more sex) is definitely not one of those times.

And I am not a militant breastfeeding type either (quit early with all three of mine…it just didn’t go well for either babies or me). But if breastfeeding is going well, of course it should be prioritized. It is a baby. If the kid was closer to a year old or something, I would tend to agree with you.

I definitely don't agree women should have sex when they don't want to.

But, OP didn't want sex with him before kids, it's been at least 15 months since they've had sex, and her H is requesting SOMETHING. This isn't a guy pushing for 5 times a week and 6 weeks postpartum. This is a guy who hasn't had any sex in over a year asking for a freaking HJ once in awhile.

OP needs to figure out why she doesn't want sex at all, even before kids, because that's not normal. And if that's just who she is, she needs to let her H get it elsewhere.

Imagine if a woman asked for the smallest form of emotional support after over a year of getting none and her H responded "sorry, kids are the priority right now, maybe in a few years I can".

Where did you get the idea op didn't have sex before kids?

From the op: ]Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

Imagine if a man said that the thought of sleeping with his postpartum wife grossed him out, and that he hated giving oral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an actual aversion to any sexual contact with your husband, while not your fault, is still your responsibility to solve if you possibly can. It is a much bigger problem than formula.

Ok right - one more thing for the new mom to “solve”
Poor babies all of you men

Actually I’m a mom of six who’s had periods of serious aversion to sex while pregnant, and it sucked for me and it sucked for my husband. I know whereof I speak!

Oh you again. You accept a lot as normal which the rest of us don’t. Like a husband who mocks you for being fat or not caring for his own baby. Not surprised for your “advice” here.

I’m not sure who you’re talking about but that’s not me. I’m the one saying OP should be honest with her husband about what’s going on with her and have an adult conversation about what’s the best thing to do is (but I think breastfeeding isn’t worth the strain on the marriage).

This is ridiculous. The baby is 5 months old. There is definitely a time to prioritize the husband’s needs over the child’s needs….but a 5 month old baby’s feeding & nutrition (so the DH can get more sex) is definitely not one of those times.

And I am not a militant breastfeeding type either (quit early with all three of mine…it just didn’t go well for either babies or me). But if breastfeeding is going well, of course it should be prioritized. It is a baby. If the kid was closer to a year old or something, I would tend to agree with you.

I definitely don't agree women should have sex when they don't want to.

But, OP didn't want sex with him before kids, it's been at least 15 months since they've had sex, and her H is requesting SOMETHING. This isn't a guy pushing for 5 times a week and 6 weeks postpartum. This is a guy who hasn't had any sex in over a year asking for a freaking HJ once in awhile.

OP needs to figure out why she doesn't want sex at all, even before kids, because that's not normal. And if that's just who she is, she needs to let her H get it elsewhere.

Imagine if a woman asked for the smallest form of emotional support after over a year of getting none and her H responded "sorry, kids are the priority right now, maybe in a few years I can".

Where did you get the idea op didn't have sex before kids?

From the op: ]Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week

OP said it was never super active, and even before kids she hated giving BJs.

Sounds like OP is likely low drive or asexual, which is fine, but she can't expect her husband to dislike sex as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an actual aversion to any sexual contact with your husband, while not your fault, is still your responsibility to solve if you possibly can. It is a much bigger problem than formula.

Ok right - one more thing for the new mom to “solve”
Poor babies all of you men

Actually I’m a mom of six who’s had periods of serious aversion to sex while pregnant, and it sucked for me and it sucked for my husband. I know whereof I speak!

Oh you again. You accept a lot as normal which the rest of us don’t. Like a husband who mocks you for being fat or not caring for his own baby. Not surprised for your “advice” here.

I’m not sure who you’re talking about but that’s not me. I’m the one saying OP should be honest with her husband about what’s going on with her and have an adult conversation about what’s the best thing to do is (but I think breastfeeding isn’t worth the strain on the marriage).

This is ridiculous. The baby is 5 months old. There is definitely a time to prioritize the husband’s needs over the child’s needs….but a 5 month old baby’s feeding & nutrition (so the DH can get more sex) is definitely not one of those times.

And I am not a militant breastfeeding type either (quit early with all three of mine…it just didn’t go well for either babies or me). But if breastfeeding is going well, of course it should be prioritized. It is a baby. If the kid was closer to a year old or something, I would tend to agree with you.

I definitely don't agree women should have sex when they don't want to.

But, OP didn't want sex with him before kids, it's been at least 15 months since they've had sex, and her H is requesting SOMETHING. This isn't a guy pushing for 5 times a week and 6 weeks postpartum. This is a guy who hasn't had any sex in over a year asking for a freaking HJ once in awhile.

OP needs to figure out why she doesn't want sex at all, even before kids, because that's not normal. And if that's just who she is, she needs to let her H get it elsewhere.

Imagine if a woman asked for the smallest form of emotional support after over a year of getting none and her H responded "sorry, kids are the priority right now, maybe in a few years I can".

More facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this board trends older meaning a lot of posters are from a generation where women were just expected to put up with it. It seems op and her husband are younger and based on what op has shared have a more egalitarian relationship that's not centered on sex or a man's supposed needs. Her husband by ops description has been respectful and understanding while expressing his desires which is how it should be and it's sad to me that so many don't have this experience and worse that they are teaching others that this shouldn't be the norm.
Op doesn't sound like she doesn't care to me it sounds like she is struggling.
It's radical but my husband and I have always agreed that sex should be fun for both of us and if it's not fun , if both of us aren't participating enthusiastically we figure out why together without blaming, shaming or guilt. .maybe that approach would be helpful for op and her husband no blame just figuring out together what would make sex desired for both of you again.. wishing you luck, op. And ignore those wishing he will cheat on you they are speaking about their own pain.

Nope, I'm young and saying suck it up. If you can go to a job you hate most days you can suck a d*ck when you don't feel like it. We're not talking every day, we're talking doing the bare minimum to make your partner happy or seeking help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this board trends older meaning a lot of posters are from a generation where women were just expected to put up with it. It seems op and her husband are younger and based on what op has shared have a more egalitarian relationship that's not centered on sex or a man's supposed needs. Her husband by ops description has been respectful and understanding while expressing his desires which is how it should be and it's sad to me that so many don't have this experience and worse that they are teaching others that this shouldn't be the norm.
Op doesn't sound like she doesn't care to me it sounds like she is struggling.
It's radical but my husband and I have always agreed that sex should be fun for both of us and if it's not fun , if both of us aren't participating enthusiastically we figure out why together without blaming, shaming or guilt. .maybe that approach would be helpful for op and her husband no blame just figuring out together what would make sex desired for both of you again.. wishing you luck, op. And ignore those wishing he will cheat on you they are speaking about their own pain.

Nope, I'm young and saying suck it up. If you can go to a job you hate most days you can suck a d*ck when you don't feel like it. We're not talking every day, we're talking doing the bare minimum to make your partner happy or seeking help!

Agree. Older than you. 😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this board trends older meaning a lot of posters are from a generation where women were just expected to put up with it. It seems op and her husband are younger and based on what op has shared have a more egalitarian relationship that's not centered on sex or a man's supposed needs. Her husband by ops description has been respectful and understanding while expressing his desires which is how it should be and it's sad to me that so many don't have this experience and worse that they are teaching others that this shouldn't be the norm.
Op doesn't sound like she doesn't care to me it sounds like she is struggling.
It's radical but my husband and I have always agreed that sex should be fun for both of us and if it's not fun , if both of us aren't participating enthusiastically we figure out why together without blaming, shaming or guilt. .maybe that approach would be helpful for op and her husband no blame just figuring out together what would make sex desired for both of you again.. wishing you luck, op. And ignore those wishing he will cheat on you they are speaking about their own pain.

Nope, I'm young and saying suck it up. If you can go to a job you hate most days you can suck a d*ck when you don't feel like it. We're not talking every day, we're talking doing the bare minimum to make your partner happy or seeking help!

So what you're saying is that your partner doesn't care about your well-being or happiness and you are happy in a oneside relationship rather than finding something that is good for both of you and you know you can't discuss this freely with your husband because he doesn't respect you and you walk in eggshells around him because he might cheat if you dare to show any humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

I'm sorry you are a low value man or that the only men in your life are low value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

But that could never happen. A prior pp says that OP is younger and therefore has an egalitarian marriage. That somehow will suppress her husband's sex drive and make him more compliant (or maybe OP got lucky and his testosterone levels are lower, like a lot of younger men).