Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this board trends older meaning a lot of posters are from a generation where women were just expected to put up with it. It seems op and her husband are younger and based on what op has shared have a more egalitarian relationship that's not centered on sex or a man's supposed needs. Her husband by ops description has been respectful and understanding while expressing his desires which is how it should be and it's sad to me that so many don't have this experience and worse that they are teaching others that this shouldn't be the norm.
Op doesn't sound like she doesn't care to me it sounds like she is struggling.
It's radical but my husband and I have always agreed that sex should be fun for both of us and if it's not fun , if both of us aren't participating enthusiastically we figure out why together without blaming, shaming or guilt. .maybe that approach would be helpful for op and her husband no blame just figuring out together what would make sex desired for both of you again.. wishing you luck, op. And ignore those wishing he will cheat on you they are speaking about their own pain.

Nope, I'm young and saying suck it up. If you can go to a job you hate most days you can suck a d*ck when you don't feel like it. We're not talking every day, we're talking doing the bare minimum to make your partner happy or seeking help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this board trends older meaning a lot of posters are from a generation where women were just expected to put up with it. It seems op and her husband are younger and based on what op has shared have a more egalitarian relationship that's not centered on sex or a man's supposed needs. Her husband by ops description has been respectful and understanding while expressing his desires which is how it should be and it's sad to me that so many don't have this experience and worse that they are teaching others that this shouldn't be the norm.
Op doesn't sound like she doesn't care to me it sounds like she is struggling.
It's radical but my husband and I have always agreed that sex should be fun for both of us and if it's not fun , if both of us aren't participating enthusiastically we figure out why together without blaming, shaming or guilt. .maybe that approach would be helpful for op and her husband no blame just figuring out together what would make sex desired for both of you again.. wishing you luck, op. And ignore those wishing he will cheat on you they are speaking about their own pain.

Nope, I'm young and saying suck it up. If you can go to a job you hate most days you can suck a d*ck when you don't feel like it. We're not talking every day, we're talking doing the bare minimum to make your partner happy or seeking help!

Agree. Older than you. 😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this board trends older meaning a lot of posters are from a generation where women were just expected to put up with it. It seems op and her husband are younger and based on what op has shared have a more egalitarian relationship that's not centered on sex or a man's supposed needs. Her husband by ops description has been respectful and understanding while expressing his desires which is how it should be and it's sad to me that so many don't have this experience and worse that they are teaching others that this shouldn't be the norm.
Op doesn't sound like she doesn't care to me it sounds like she is struggling.
It's radical but my husband and I have always agreed that sex should be fun for both of us and if it's not fun , if both of us aren't participating enthusiastically we figure out why together without blaming, shaming or guilt. .maybe that approach would be helpful for op and her husband no blame just figuring out together what would make sex desired for both of you again.. wishing you luck, op. And ignore those wishing he will cheat on you they are speaking about their own pain.

Nope, I'm young and saying suck it up. If you can go to a job you hate most days you can suck a d*ck when you don't feel like it. We're not talking every day, we're talking doing the bare minimum to make your partner happy or seeking help!

So what you're saying is that your partner doesn't care about your well-being or happiness and you are happy in a oneside relationship rather than finding something that is good for both of you and you know you can't discuss this freely with your husband because he doesn't respect you and you walk in eggshells around him because he might cheat if you dare to show any humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

I'm sorry you are a low value man or that the only men in your life are low value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

But that could never happen. A prior pp says that OP is younger and therefore has an egalitarian marriage. That somehow will suppress her husband's sex drive and make him more compliant (or maybe OP got lucky and his testosterone levels are lower, like a lot of younger men).

[Anonymous]

Even if your husband doesn't cheat he will resent you. I have begged my dh to work around his medical issues and he won't. I will never forgive him for withholding intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if your husband doesn't cheat he will resent you. I have begged my dh to work around his medical issues and he won't. I will never forgive him for withholding intimacy.

I'm sorry your husband's medical issues are interfering with your orgasms. I'm sure the fact you believe his medical issues aren't real has no impact on the effort he's made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

But that could never happen. A prior pp says that OP is younger and therefore has an egalitarian marriage. That somehow will suppress her husband's sex drive and make him more compliant (or maybe OP got lucky and his testosterone levels are lower, like a lot of younger men).

I'm sorry your husband cheats on you pp that has to suck. But it's to be expected as his connection to you is as tenuous as his next BJ and there's always another gal who can do it better at least he gave you some kids and probably a nice house and jewelry maybe a few trips a year. And maybe his job has the good insurance that pays for all the STI testing too..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

Op here. Thanks for the book recommendation. He is he's a really good guy. Which makes me feel worse.
I'm not unattracted to him just the need for sex or wanting him sexually isn't there. And no I don't want a divorce and don't believe he would either.
It's just what do I do about tonight just do it or ask for more time with the plan of seeing a doctor though I'm not sure I want to take any pills

It sounds like a hall pass would fix this ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

I'm sorry you are a low value man or that the only men in your life are low value.

It’s abusive to unilaterally deny your spouse sex absent a valid medical reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

OP, you sound like someone who absolutely knows that you’re having no more children. Don’t you think if you were looking to have a third you would not be worried about this? The only reason my ex kept having sex with me was that she wanted lots of babies. Once we had four, she went on strike.

[Anonymous]

Barring nausea, sex during pregnancy is so good! Once I got through the first ~15 weeks, it was great! Postpartum and breastfeeding feeding though, sex sucks. With such a good partner, I’d suck it up and give him a few BJs and HJs. Also a younger women. Hopefully your libido returns once you stop breastfeeding. My sis started reading some naughty fantasy books and it really helped kickstart her sex lift again after the 2nd kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if your husband doesn't cheat he will resent you. I have begged my dh to work around his medical issues and he won't. I will never forgive him for withholding intimacy.

I'm sorry your husband's medical issues are interfering with your orgasms. I'm sure the fact you believe his medical issues aren't real has no impact on the effort he's made.

As I've told him multiple times, his fingers and mouth work just fine. We don't both need to go without.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

I'm sorry you are a low value man or that the only men in your life are low value.

It’s abusive to unilaterally deny your spouse sex absent a valid medical reason.

Gross. Again, go away with your misogynistic comments!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

I'm sorry you are a low value man or that the only men in your life are low value.

It’s abusive to unilaterally deny your spouse sex absent a valid medical reason.

.

This is true.