Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you're no longer attracted to him and are unwilling to be with him in that way. And then figure out what that means for your living situation (divorce, open marriage, etc).

[Anonymous]

I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

[Anonymous]

How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

[Anonymous]

>>Your lack of libido is not your fault <<

Agree. Also, not his fault either. Speaking of libido in terms of fault is usually a mistake.

Often enough "deserving" people aren't having the sex they want while "undeserving" people often are.

[Anonymous]

How about seeing a therapist for your mental issues?

[Anonymous]

Seems you're simply not attracted to him.

You should be honest with yourself and your husband.. and then plan the next steps.. based on having that honest conversation with him.

[Anonymous]

At 5.5 months and probably nursing your libiso is all your hormones. If at all possible I would do the HJ to keep the peace for a bit and then see how you feel when you stop nursing. I wanted no intimacy until each kid was 1 but we used a ton of lube and I wanted my DH to be content and satisfied. Post weaning my drive came back to a certain level and we are ok with once or twice a week now.

[Anonymous]

You were never in to him. You wanted kids. Now that you have kids, you are done with him. It's very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

Op here. Thanks for the book recommendation. He is he's a really good guy. Which makes me feel worse.
I'm not unattracted to him just the need for sex or wanting him sexually isn't there. And no I don't want a divorce and don't believe he would either.
It's just what do I do about tonight just do it or ask for more time with the plan of seeing a doctor though I'm not sure I want to take any pills

[Anonymous]

It is sinful and cruel not to have sex with your spouse without a valid reason (ex: medical issue)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

Op here. Thanks for the book recommendation. He is he's a really good guy. Which makes me feel worse.
I'm not unattracted to him just the need for sex or wanting him sexually isn't there. And no I don't want a divorce and don't believe he would either.
It's just what do I do about tonight just do it or ask for more time with the plan of seeing a doctor though I'm not sure I want to take any pills

Just do it! Don’t put any thought into it. More you delay, the worse it will get

[Anonymous]

Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

You make it very clear that being intimate with him grosses you out, while talking about what a great husband he is. However, you never affirm that you love or even care about him.

Do you want to be married, or do you want a father for your children and someone to partner with in running a household? It appears you want the latter.

[Anonymous]

I think your feelings are completely valid but I also want to point out that 5.5 months postpartum is still VERY early. I didn't feel like myself until 1.5 year-2 years postpartum and didn't really feel sexy and confident again until we decided we were done having kids and I felt like my body was my own.

I think it's understandable how you're feeling but I don't think the postpartum feelings are necessarily indicative of the longterm trajectory your marriage. I say this as someone who was very worried about her marriage during postpartum (nothing was wrong, just always felt off) but things are so good now