Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

You need to see a therapist and a doctor. This is not normal and it will destroy your marriage. You need to fix this defect in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

You need to see a therapist and a doctor. This is not normal and it will destroy your marriage. You need to fix this defect in you.

Somebody needs to keep idiots like this out of the forum. Go away troll.

[Anonymous]

You need to be honest with him. If you’re not going to engage in any intimacy it’s only fair to tell him something he can make an informed decision. Being in a relationship with a spouse who doesn’t find them attractive is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

OP - did you ever have a passionate relationship with other men? Do you look at attractive men on the street and think of that tight area on the pants below the waist ? Ever had a crush on your co-worker ?

Not everyone is heterosexual, if these things never happened to you… You could be gay, asexual etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

Is this a real post? Your husband is a saint and should divorce you.

[Anonymous]

This post is emblematic of why modern relationships, marriage, child birth rates are in decline. This guy should run for the hills. I can’t believe he’s sort of calmly just resigned to accept the status quo.

You deserve whatever it is you’re seeking. If that’s being on your own to watch real housewives, complain about various every day things, and generally have things your way all the time, that’s what it should be.

[Anonymous]

That's tough OP. At least you're considering it and not dismissing him entirely. That's good! But this is a core relationship in your life and if you really do want to make it work, there will be compromises and maybe tonight's HJ is a goodwill effort on your part to make a compromise?

If you really can't bring yourself to do it (and you absolutely don't need to do anything you truly don't want to), then I think you need to have a very honest conversation and set expectations. Don't leave it with so much uncertainty. He deserves to know if you don't plan to make an effort in this department and decide whether he can live like that (including the discomfort you feel about him satisfying himself in what he thought was a private moment). I'm a woman and unless my partner was in a coma, I just couldn't accept a lifetime of celibacy. If you think it's temporary and you'd be willing to explore the basis for your lack of libido when your baby is a bit older, say that (and mean it). Just don't leave someone you love hanging. I hope you can both move forward in a way that works for you as a couple.

[Anonymous]

It’s your body’s way of not becoming pregnant again. You are 5 months postpartum. You are no way back to “normal”. Please read up on this and inform your husband about this too. But you must enter into good faith discussions about what you can do so you’re both happy. Because if you won’t even “fake it till you make it” with handies once a week, then he’s definitely going to step out, resentment will build, and this family you built will fall apart.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he’s taking learning that he’s an incel pretty well, all things considered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

You need to see a therapist and a doctor. This is not normal and it will destroy your marriage. You need to fix this defect in you.

Somebody needs to keep idiots like this out of the forum. Go away troll.

He or she is absolutely correct. I’m a woman BTW.

[Anonymous]

Your vagina is defective, leave him, split the children, let him find someone that’s whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

[Anonymous]

I mean this very kindly. If you don't give him sex, he will have an affair, and he will likely leave you.
Try to fix this for the good of your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

DO NOT FORGET: women’s desire is responsive. It is not up to OP to just become horny. Her DH should read “come as you are”… as should OP.

[Anonymous]

It seems sex was never a high priority for you, OP, even before marriage. Having kids just makes it worse.