Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

Op here. Thank you for being kind. Some of these replies are wacky. I do love him very much he's a wonderful human a I don't want to think about life without him. It's just that the thought of anything sexual with him is off putting I thought that the interest would be back by now it was with my oldest at this point post partum. But it's not. And his love language is physical touch and intimacy and that makes it worse because I know he's taking it personally. I also worry that he'll be able to tell im not that I'm not that into it and it will make it worse. I'm just so in my head right now.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. Both pre kid and post kids. You have a 5 month old. Your libido will be back in about 2 years.

BUT…..Men won’t ever understand this.

Once a week or so, you will have to suck it up and deal. Otherwise your problems will be worse. I used to take a giant glass of wine into a long hot bath, read racy things in my phone etc beforehand. Made it more tolerable…

[Anonymous]

You need to be real. This will end your marriage. Is that what you want? If not then you need to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

This is hormonal. Your drive may very well come back on its own as you get further from the birth. But this is also something to discuss with your OB/GYN, who will have heard this story a thousand times and have ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

DO NOT FORGET: women’s desire is responsive. It is not up to OP to just become horny. Her DH should read “come as you are”… as should OP.

There are medications for this for women. If OP cares, she'd ask her doctor about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would check in with your OB or your GP. It sounds like you have some hormonal things going on that are affecting your libido. I would also read the book by Moody 8itches by Julie Holland. That helped me get my sex drive back when I was in a similar place.

Your lack of libido is not your fault . . . your body has been through a lot. But there are things you can do to help bring it back. Your husband sounds very understanding and supportive, and personally I would want to make the effort for his sake. And hopefully when you get those feelings back, you'll enjoy it too!

This,
And I would tell him, look, I seem to have lost my libido, I am working on it. And then actually work on it!

I would personally oblige at least the HJ or more because s€x is important to me so even if I lost desire I would understand why DH would want at least something. For some people (myself included) physical intimacy is the best expression of love and affection and I wouldn’t want to deprive DH of that.

Op here. Thank you for being kind. Some of these replies are wacky. I do love him very much he's a wonderful human a I don't want to think about life without him. It's just that the thought of anything sexual with him is off putting I thought that the interest would be back by now it was with my oldest at this point post partum. But it's not. And his love language is physical touch and intimacy and that makes it worse because I know he's taking it personally. I also worry that he'll be able to tell im not that I'm not that into it and it will make it worse. I'm just so in my head right now.

Are you still nursing? IME that had a significant impact on our sex life. 5.5 months is not that long, it varied with our children, so I wouldn’t push the panic button quite yet. We had a nine-month dry spell after one of ours and bounced back. But if this doesn’t change at some point, it’s going to be a major issue you need to deal with. He will of course take it personally at some point, although i think that it’s likely still manageable since it’s not all that long a period in the grand scheme of things. I agree a few courtesy HJ’s can go a long way, and your lack of interest can readily be explained by this point as “I’m too wiped out from the baby to be into it at the moment, but we will get back.” Monitor from there. If it came back to some extent before it likely will again, so keep the faith for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is sinful and cruel not to have sex with your spouse without a valid reason (ex: medical issue)

Pregnancy is a hormonal tsunami. You don't feel the same for a long time. God will accept that as a medical issue, since he designed the system. Maybe it's his way of balancing the burden of procreation between the sexes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be real. This will end your marriage. Is that what you want? If not then you need to suck it up.

No way, marriage vows are for better or worse. DH needs to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

You don’t want to do anything. So, you are making a deliberate choice to do nothing. It’s not because you can’t do it. You deliberately don’t want to satisfy your husband. A husband you call a great husband. Poor guy. You are cruel. I hope he finds a better woman who satisfy him sexually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal. Both pre kid and post kids. You have a 5 month old. Your libido will be back in about 2 years.

BUT…..Men won’t ever understand this.

Once a week or so, you will have to suck it up and deal. Otherwise your problems will be worse. I used to take a giant glass of wine into a long hot bath, read racy things in my phone etc beforehand. Made it more tolerable…

I agree that postpartum hormones are incredibly disorienting and it took me a full 2 years to get my libido back. That being said, my husband DID understand this and was respectful. I think finding ways to compromise are important but I do think giving each other some grace during the newborn haze is warranted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his hygiene? And what is he willing to give you in this negotiation?

Op here. His hygiene is just fine wtf. He already does whatever I need him to do around the house and with the kids that's not the issue. And sexually he'd do whatever I wanted it just that I don't want to do anything..

You don’t want to do anything. So, you are making a deliberate choice to do nothing. It’s not because you can’t do it. You deliberately don’t want to satisfy your husband. A husband you call a great husband. Poor guy. You are cruel. I hope he finds a better woman who satisfy him sexually.

DH here: this a grossly unfair, bizarre, and unkind response to a new mother that is looking for help and support. I’m sorry you’re so angry about this; a six-month or even longer sexual drought is not unreasonable after childbirth. Obviously, not really any man’s first choice, but it’s not that out of line. OP don’t listen to these kinds of responses; yes, over the long term, you’re going to need to do something, long-term celibacy is really too much to ask of any man, but you are still within a pretty reasonable place under the circumstances, and I suspect your DH feels the same. He *is* letting you know he needs something, and you’re going to need to decide how to respond to that.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. Both pre kid and post kids. You have a 5 month old. Your libido will be back in about 2 years.

BUT…..Men won’t ever understand this.

Once a week or so, you will have to suck it up and deal. Otherwise your problems will be worse. I used to take a giant glass of wine into a long hot bath, read racy things in my phone etc beforehand. Made it more tolerable…

Your lack of empathic awareness is outstanding. How would you feel if you thought that your DH had to drink a giant glass of wine, etc., to make sex with you "more tolerable"?

There is a significant problem here. I am glad the OP sees it and is working to address it before it ends their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Nursing with a chaser of sleep deprivation killed my sex drive completely. Honestly, time was what fixed it.

But in the meantime, it helped me to be honest with myself about and think of sex as something that I did for him. I don’t mind giving blow jobs, so I would make it clear that I didn’t want anything in return (to take off the pressure to get aroused myself) and give him one. Ir just have sex and fake enjoyment to get it over with quickly.

It was not an ideal solution, but got us through the rough patch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be real. This will end your marriage. Is that what you want? If not then you need to suck it up.

No way, marriage vows are for better or worse. DH needs to suck it up.

And if DH loses interest in paying the mortgage? For better or worse - suck it up?

[Anonymous]

After our second child, the 5 months turned into 12 years, as resentment and counter resentment (plus a heap of avoidance) took its toll. And, no: exDW *said* she was willing to give the occasional BJ or HJ, but in all that time, she never did. I quickly learned not to try to initiate anything.