No sex drive and dh and I argue over it constantly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there were a way that we could all sort ourselves from the beginning for compatibility here. Menopause has made me so horny and my DH would rather not.

Actually, I wish marriage and sex didn’t have to be so connected. I wish it were ok for OP (or my DH!) to actually tell her husband that she knows he won’t leave her, so go take care of it elsewhere. I think mine would if it were societally acceptable.

Strangely most marriages seem to have one spouse interested and the other not. I am going through menopause and don’t have any interest and pretty much avoiding sex last few months whereas I know friends who are interested in sex but their husbands are the ones going through menopause haha. 6 months back it would have been unimaginable DH wandering out in marriage but today I think it’s ok. If you need so much and I can’t give you, then you get it from someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my 40s and a woman and I want it so much more than my male partner.

It is a tough problem to have but I fantasize a lot about other people.

This was me for much of my marriage. DH did nothing about his issues and made his choices, so I eventually gave up and accepted that I had an unnatural end to my sexual life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this thread. I’m in my late 40s and weigh the same as in my 20s and have near zero drive for years. I regularly have sex with my husband because I want him to be attached and committed to me. It’s really a very easy way to keep the peace.

Obviously this approach may be hard for victims of sex abuse, but for everyone else I highly recommend it. Maybe as I age my mind will change, who knows.

I wish a lot of women would understand it. having sex with your partner increases closeness and relieve you from the feeling of guilt and he would things in return that matters to you, but the ego comes in between and a lot of them don't want to engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there were a way that we could all sort ourselves from the beginning for compatibility here. Menopause has made me so horny and my DH would rather not.

Actually, I wish marriage and sex didn’t have to be so connected. I wish it were ok for OP (or my DH!) to actually tell her husband that she knows he won’t leave her, so go take care of it elsewhere. I think mine would if it were societally acceptable.

Strangely most marriages seem to have one spouse interested and the other not. I am going through menopause and don’t have any interest and pretty much avoiding sex last few months whereas I know friends who are interested in sex but their husbands are the ones going through menopause haha. 6 months back it would have been unimaginable DH wandering out in marriage but today I think it’s ok. If you need so much and I can’t give you, then you get it from someone else.

I think a lot of these misaligned partners find each other discreetly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there were a way that we could all sort ourselves from the beginning for compatibility here. Menopause has made me so horny and my DH would rather not.

Actually, I wish marriage and sex didn’t have to be so connected. I wish it were ok for OP (or my DH!) to actually tell her husband that she knows he won’t leave her, so go take care of it elsewhere. I think mine would if it were societally acceptable.

Strangely most marriages seem to have one spouse interested and the other not. I am going through menopause and don’t have any interest and pretty much avoiding sex last few months whereas I know friends who are interested in sex but their husbands are the ones going through menopause haha. 6 months back it would have been unimaginable DH wandering out in marriage but today I think it’s ok. If you need so much and I can’t give you, then you get it from someone else.

I think there is a connection and this isn't purely a case of bad luck. My theory is that mismatched libidos tend to push the other spouse's libido in the opposite direction. If you want more than you can get, you become more focused on the unmet need which makes you want it more and your need makes your spouse want it less. Or, if you want less than your spouse, the pressure to do it more makes it even less enjoyable, etc. Eventually what was maybe a relatively small libido mismatch becomes a large one.

[Anonymous]

Nobody should be forced or suffer through pain, but if something is very important to our spouses, shouldn’t we explore our options and at least have a frank discussion about expectations? I think people unwilling to do so may have bigger issues in the relationships where, perhaps, they feel like the spouse has not been similarly open-minded/willing to find solutions in other areas…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

I also want to add as a young couple, infidelity would have been a complete no no. But with decades of marriage and growing old, attachment has taken a backseat. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

When you do this it should be with the understanding that your marriage might end up ending if the DH finds someone he is fully compatible with, including sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

When you do this it should be with the understanding that your marriage might end up ending if the DH finds someone he is fully compatible with, including sex.

But that’s always a risk. I may decide that I’m more compatible with the guy who *doesn’t* want sex, and could choose to end the marriage. Not likely, but always a risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

I also want to add as a young couple, infidelity would have been a complete no no. But with decades of marriage and growing old, attachment has taken a backseat. It is what it is.

This is exactly it. There’s another thread on this topic and people are aghast and saying that couples must divorce if they’re sexually mismatched and one person goes elsewhere for a time. But why? Marriage is long and full of bonds. I would never throw that away because of sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this thread. I’m in my late 40s and weigh the same as in my 20s and have near zero drive for years. I regularly have sex with my husband because I want him to be attached and committed to me. It’s really a very easy way to keep the peace.

Obviously this approach may be hard for victims of sex abuse, but for everyone else I highly recommend it. Maybe as I age my mind will change, who knows.

Come talk to us in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this thread. I’m in my late 40s and weigh the same as in my 20s and have near zero drive for years. I regularly have sex with my husband because I want him to be attached and committed to me. It’s really a very easy way to keep the peace.

Obviously this approach may be hard for victims of sex abuse, but for everyone else I highly recommend it. Maybe as I age my mind will change, who knows.

I finally found an upside to being a sexual assault survivor -- apparently it's the only valid reason for a woman to stop having sex when her libido dies.

But seriously, as someone who has been dealing with the trauma of nonconsensual sex for 20 years -- if you don't want sex, you don't have to have sex. If you are willing to make yourself do it to please your spouse, that's up to you. But NO ONE is obligated to have sex they don't want. And no one is entitled to sex with someone who doesn't want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this thread. I’m in my late 40s and weigh the same as in my 20s and have near zero drive for years. I regularly have sex with my husband because I want him to be attached and committed to me. It’s really a very easy way to keep the peace.

Obviously this approach may be hard for victims of sex abuse, but for everyone else I highly recommend it. Maybe as I age my mind will change, who knows.

Come talk to us in 10 years.

The thing is, I wouldn’t even say 10 years. There is an ocean between 48 and 52 for some women. It’s sort of like saying “I got pregnant so easily at 35 and then at 39 we are having trouble what is going on?” Things just changed really rapidly for women at different stages in your life. The difference between 48 and 52 can be night and day.

Not necessarily for everyone, but for some women, this is true.

The issue is sex drive is not the only thing that changes. As estrogen recedes there are structural changes in the brain and women often become less willing to keep the peace, less willing to be the repairer of relationships, in all aspects of their lives. It’s more complicated than just sex drive.