no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?

[Anonymous]

I hate how these threads always devolve into people telling OP to just want something else. Like her actual preferences don't matter at all.

She wants to stay home with her kids. Taking care of children is actually a really important job, it just doesn't pay money when those kids are your own. She is not suggesting that she lay around the house all day on her husband's dime.

If she doesn't stay home, they will pay someone else to do what OP would like to do herself.

What if OP was a nanny, preschool teacher, or daycare worker, instead of a lawyer? Would you still be upset about the idea of her being a SAHM? Or would that be okay because she'd be leaving what you consider to be a low status job for another low status job, whereas leaving a high status job (lawyer) is a downgrade?

Really. Listen to yourselves. OP staying home does not invalidate the choices of working women anywhere. It's not about you. It's what she wants. It sounds like they can afford it. As a fellow woman and mother, I support OP in living the life she wants and I hope she works it out with her DH because doing a job you dislike when you'd rather be with your children sucks. I know because I've done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP’s husband sounds like an a-hole?

I am an (Asian) woman who chooses to work even though we could live happily on my DH’s income. I enjoy having a job, and it’s a pretty flexible job so I feel like I have enough time with my kids. My husband supports me working, but he would equally support me SAH (I know because he’s asked me a few times if I would want to - obviously my life would be easier if I did!) I think it’s terrible for a spouse to make the other spouse work if they are financially set for college and retirement!

Of course, I’m sure my DH would respect me less if I became a stereotypical brain-dead SAHM, but if I continued to take an interest in the world, community, etc. I don’t think our relationship would suffer.

Oh and to answer the question - OP, do not have a second child because your husband is an a-hole!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

This!!!

It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?

That is flat-out not true. Women have worked, including outside the home, for centuries. Women worked as maids, weavers, cooks, governesses, teachers, nannies, nurses, factory workers, shop girls, prostitutes, laundresses, seamstresses, etc. And women labored on farms and in home businesses forever. The idea that a woman would just stay at home and not help the home generate income, but just take care of kids, has never been the norm.

And she's not a terrible person because she wants to stay home, but because she thinks she's entitled to have another adult pay her way whether he wants to or not, and assumes bad things about her husband without even talking to him about it.

Why is everyone saying she wants him to pay her way? If they’re married and already have a high NW (maybe even high enough to live off already) then why can’t she live off that? From her post it sounds like they DON’T need more money! If he is so GD insecure about his job security and ability to support his family then I think that alone is a good enough reason not to have any more kids. Clearly they can’t afford it.

Because that’s how a long of women on here treat SAHMs. There is a level of disgust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are things that you don't do in a marriage unless BOTH partners are in agreement:

- Remove yourself from the workforce
- Have a kid


If you're husband wants you to work, you work. It is the default position of being an adult. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide that someone else will be responsible for your financial support.

Likewise, if you don't want to have a 2nd kid, you don't. Adults don't get to unilaterally decide to make someone else a parent.

The above said, you say that you may never was to return to the workforce. Perhaps that is what is so off-putting to your husband. What reason would you have to never go back to work? Maybe you two could compromise with an agreement that you'll quit or go part-time for x number of years, then go back.

Saying that you just want to stop working forever is just not a good look, no matter how much you don't need the money. Think about it -- if you're a lawyer, then your husband fell for someone who was apparently intelligent and driven. That is the type of woman he is attracted to. Surely you can see that announcing that you want to become a lady who lunches might cause him concern? He may fear that you would become someone he doesn't like/respect/is attracted to.

^^ I don’t think this board is a good place to come if you want to SAH. Many people on here have opinions like the one above. They really don’t grasp how many women stay home or want to stay home but simply can’t because they have bills to pay. I think the references to large inheritances derailed the conversation.

PP didn't express an anti- SAHM sentiment. It's anti-unilateral decision making. Having a SAH parent is wonderful for many families. But just like whether or not to have a kid, it's a decision that both partners should be on board with. Otherwise, it's guaranteed to result in resentment.

However, the resulting of SAH parenting is that it's a limited engagement. Eventually you either go back to work or continue on unemployed. Which is fine if, again, both partners are on board with that. But you can't be a SAH parent forever. So if someone says they don't want to ever return to work, that means they want to parent, then do nothing after the kids grow up, while the spouse continues to work. And I don't think it's unreasonable that their spouse would object to that.

Lmao. You’re not biased at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate how these threads always devolve into people telling OP to just want something else. Like her actual preferences don't matter at all.

She wants to stay home with her kids. Taking care of children is actually a really important job, it just doesn't pay money when those kids are your own. She is not suggesting that she lay around the house all day on her husband's dime.

If she doesn't stay home, they will pay someone else to do what OP would like to do herself.

What if OP was a nanny, preschool teacher, or daycare worker, instead of a lawyer? Would you still be upset about the idea of her being a SAHM? Or would that be okay because she'd be leaving what you consider to be a low status job for another low status job, whereas leaving a high status job (lawyer) is a downgrade?

Really. Listen to yourselves. OP staying home does not invalidate the choices of working women anywhere. It's not about you. It's what she wants. It sounds like they can afford it. As a fellow woman and mother, I support OP in living the life she wants and I hope she works it out with her DH because doing a job you dislike when you'd rather be with your children sucks. I know because I've done it.

Thank you. This is how I feel. I am sorry you experienced this. It’s what I’m trying to avoid. I don’t want to have another kid and feel like I have to choose between my marriage/husband’s approval and taking care of my child the way I want to do so. It makes it even worse that we don’t need the money from my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

This!!!

It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?

That is flat-out not true. Women have worked, including outside the home, for centuries. Women worked as maids, weavers, cooks, governesses, teachers, nannies, nurses, factory workers, shop girls, prostitutes, laundresses, seamstresses, etc. And women labored on farms and in home businesses forever. The idea that a woman would just stay at home and not help the home generate income, but just take care of kids, has never been the norm.

And she's not a terrible person because she wants to stay home, but because she thinks she's entitled to have another adult pay her way whether he wants to or not, and assumes bad things about her husband without even talking to him about it.

Why is everyone saying she wants him to pay her way? If they’re married and already have a high NW (maybe even high enough to live off already) then why can’t she live off that? From her post it sounds like they DON’T need more money! If he is so GD insecure about his job security and ability to support his family then I think that alone is a good enough reason not to have any more kids. Clearly they can’t afford it.

Because that’s how a long of women on here treat SAHMs. There is a level of disgust.

Zero disgust towards women who SAH through mutual agreement, because it’s what they’ve together decided is best for their family. Lots of disgust towards someone who feels entitled to stay home because her “culture” (which her husband apparently doesn’t share) tells her it’s her right because she has a uterus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP’s husband sounds like an a-hole?

I am an (Asian) woman who chooses to work even though we could live happily on my DH’s income. I enjoy having a job, and it’s a pretty flexible job so I feel like I have enough time with my kids. My husband supports me working, but he would equally support me SAH (I know because he’s asked me a few times if I would want to - obviously my life would be easier if I did!) I think it’s terrible for a spouse to make the other spouse work if they are financially set for college and retirement!

Of course, I’m sure my DH would respect me less if I became a stereotypical brain-dead SAHM, but if I continued to take an interest in the world, community, etc. I don’t think our relationship would suffer.

Oh and to answer the question - OP, do not have a second child because your husband is an a-hole!

This is what I am leaning towards. After numerous conversations with him, it’s abundantly clear that he values my paycheck over my happiness. I am not even sure he would support a less stressful job. It’s like I have to stay in this rat race of a career and bring in a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

This!!!

It makes me so sad that we are to a point where a woman is greedy if she wants to stay home with children. 100 years ago, a woman wasn’t allowed to work. Now she’s a terrible person if she wants to stay home. How did we get to this?

That is flat-out not true. Women have worked, including outside the home, for centuries. Women worked as maids, weavers, cooks, governesses, teachers, nannies, nurses, factory workers, shop girls, prostitutes, laundresses, seamstresses, etc. And women labored on farms and in home businesses forever. The idea that a woman would just stay at home and not help the home generate income, but just take care of kids, has never been the norm.

And she's not a terrible person because she wants to stay home, but because she thinks she's entitled to have another adult pay her way whether he wants to or not, and assumes bad things about her husband without even talking to him about it.

Why is everyone saying she wants him to pay her way? If they’re married and already have a high NW (maybe even high enough to live off already) then why can’t she live off that? From her post it sounds like they DON’T need more money! If he is so GD insecure about his job security and ability to support his family then I think that alone is a good enough reason not to have any more kids. Clearly they can’t afford it.

Because that’s how a long of women on here treat SAHMs. There is a level of disgust.

Zero disgust towards women who SAH through mutual agreement, because it’s what they’ve together decided is best for their family. Lots of disgust towards someone who feels entitled to stay home because her “culture” (which her husband apparently doesn’t share) tells her it’s her right because she has a uterus.

So I should have to set aside my culture? Would you say the same thing if my husband wanted me to stay home and I didn’t want to?

I have a hard time believing that you truly support women who stay at home. You must dislike a lot of women since there are many out there who think they should be able to stay home at some point because they had a child (If you dislike women you’d say “having a uterus.”)

Mutual agreement...that’s not going to happen. I don’t think my husband is going to want me to stay home. So I’m not. But that’s not what I want to do. But again, I’m not going to quit working.

[Anonymous]

Op, 90% of DCUM hates SAHMs, especially those with higher earner husbands. This is a bad place to ask this question. I get you though. Being a SAHM is a worthwhile thing. Nothing is more important than raising your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate how these threads always devolve into people telling OP to just want something else. Like her actual preferences don't matter at all.

She wants to stay home with her kids. Taking care of children is actually a really important job, it just doesn't pay money when those kids are your own. She is not suggesting that she lay around the house all day on her husband's dime.

If she doesn't stay home, they will pay someone else to do what OP would like to do herself.

What if OP was a nanny, preschool teacher, or daycare worker, instead of a lawyer? Would you still be upset about the idea of her being a SAHM? Or would that be okay because she'd be leaving what you consider to be a low status job for another low status job, whereas leaving a high status job (lawyer) is a downgrade?

Really. Listen to yourselves. OP staying home does not invalidate the choices of working women anywhere. It's not about you. It's what she wants. It sounds like they can afford it. As a fellow woman and mother, I support OP in living the life she wants and I hope she works it out with her DH because doing a job you dislike when you'd rather be with your children sucks. I know because I've done it.

Thank you! It’s quite something that because I want to stay home - I am entitled, a spoiled brat, a princess etc. The entitled insult doesn’t even make sense. Technically that means any woman who wants to stay home is entitled. Because deep down, any woman who chooses to stay home, must think there is a very good reason to do so (eg entitled), right? Which makes me think that a lot of the posters are just extremely insecure and making them all about them. They can’t handle it that I’m a lawyer and want to stay home with a child if we have another one. I’m only allowed to reluctantly stay home. I can’t do it because I think it’s a better thing for my child and/or me. That is entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, 90% of DCUM hates SAHMs, especially those with higher earner husbands. This is a bad place to ask this question. I get you though. Being a SAHM is a worthwhile thing. Nothing is more important than raising your child.

You’re not kidding. This was the wrong forum.

It almost makes me want to stay home more. Reading the posts calling me entitled, a spoiled princess etc. The best ones were the ones who refer to staying home as living off of another adult. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, 90% of DCUM hates SAHMs, especially those with higher earner husbands. This is a bad place to ask this question. I get you though. Being a SAHM is a worthwhile thing. Nothing is more important than raising your child.

You’re not kidding. This was the wrong forum.

It almost makes me want to stay home more. Reading the posts calling me entitled, a spoiled princess etc. The best ones were the ones who refer to staying home as living off of another adult. LOL.

Seems your husband might agree with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.

A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?

Come on. Be an adult rather than a child throwing a tantrum. You know perfectly well that nobody is saying you are a spoiled brat because you want to stay home. Many people stay home and maintain happy marriages precisely because they aren't spoiled brats about it. Do not pretend you are at all representative of SAHMs, especially SAHMs with good marriages. You are acting like a spoiled brat, not a SAHM.

Please explain how I’m acting like a spoiled brat. Seriously I want to know. I truly don’t think I can manage to continue my career while having another child and being the primary parent. Doesn’t everyone have a limit as to children and working? If not, then why doesn’t every woman have 10+ kids? I assume because they only have so much time, resources and know what they can handle physically and emotionally.. I don’t think I can handle my job, which involves overseas travel (assuming that happens again) and another child.

Spoiled brat because you don't care that your DH doesn't want to be a sole provider, that you seem to have no.concern whatsoever about his feelings, that you are gruesomely awaiting his parents to die, that you don't care about what a future child brought into a clearly toxic family will experience. And more.

Not because you want to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.

A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?

Come on. Be an adult rather than a child throwing a tantrum. You know perfectly well that nobody is saying you are a spoiled brat because you want to stay home. Many people stay home and maintain happy marriages precisely because they aren't spoiled brats about it. Do not pretend you are at all representative of SAHMs, especially SAHMs with good marriages. You are acting like a spoiled brat, not a SAHM.

Please explain how I’m acting like a spoiled brat. Seriously I want to know. I truly don’t think I can manage to continue my career while having another child and being the primary parent. Doesn’t everyone have a limit as to children and working? If not, then why doesn’t every woman have 10+ kids? I assume because they only have so much time, resources and know what they can handle physically and emotionally.. I don’t think I can handle my job, which involves overseas travel (assuming that happens again) and another child.

Spoiled brat because you don't care that your DH doesn't want to be a sole provider, that you seem to have no.concern whatsoever about his feelings, that you are gruesomely awaiting his parents to die, that you don't care about what a future child brought into a clearly toxic family will experience. And more.

Not because you want to SAH.

You’re crazy. Of course I care about my husband’s feelings. gruesomely awaiting his parents to die? What the heck?? Don’t you mean my own too since I also will inherit? Toxic family? You’re making all sorts of crazy allegations. That I don’t care about what my future child will experience? Jesus Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

So much this. A spoiled brat grown into an adult. Yikes.

A spoiled brat because I want to stay home with a child?

Come on. Be an adult rather than a child throwing a tantrum. You know perfectly well that nobody is saying you are a spoiled brat because you want to stay home. Many people stay home and maintain happy marriages precisely because they aren't spoiled brats about it. Do not pretend you are at all representative of SAHMs, especially SAHMs with good marriages. You are acting like a spoiled brat, not a SAHM.

Please explain how I’m acting like a spoiled brat. Seriously I want to know. I truly don’t think I can manage to continue my career while having another child and being the primary parent. Doesn’t everyone have a limit as to children and working? If not, then why doesn’t every woman have 10+ kids? I assume because they only have so much time, resources and know what they can handle physically and emotionally.. I don’t think I can handle my job, which involves overseas travel (assuming that happens again) and another child.

Spoiled brat because you don't care that your DH doesn't want to be a sole provider, that you seem to have no.concern whatsoever about his feelings, that you are gruesomely awaiting his parents to die, that you don't care about what a future child brought into a clearly toxic family will experience. And more.

Not because you want to SAH.

This has jumped the shark. These allegations are nuts and not okay.