Husband said I’m selfish and terrible wife and he will divorce me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws are like this. My husband and I take separate cars or I don't go. it has been like this for years and it works great - he gets his family time, and I get me time. I do make sure to partake once in a while so that I check that box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

+1.

[Anonymous]

I'd be curious for OP to come back and see if husband came back cooled off and they've had another discussion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2-8 pm is long enough. THe fact that you often stay until 11 pm or spend the night (?!!) is beyond. He's a grown up.

+1. I dont want to stay up late drinking and crash at someone’s place on a regular basis. This isn’t college. In most families, this is not a normal expectation. Divorce. He’s selfish. You and the family dislike each other. Personally, I’d rather be alone.

First of all do we know it was crashing on the couch? Second, it was not at "someone's place." It was family. And just because your family is not close does not mean what others do is wrong. This had to be going on before they got married. Wasn't there a clue this is how they lived?

If, after spending the entire evening together, my husband was ready to leave a family gathering because he had work the day neither my family, nor, I would see this as hostility or rudeness. Apparently this dynamic feels like love and closeness to some.

[Anonymous]

If your husband has a genuine interest in you being close with his family, bullying you is not the way to do it. Resentment will only build on both sides.

OP, you get to decide what you want to do in life. I’d do a big long day and night with the in laws occasionally. This is not how I want to be spending every other Sunday night, though. Other people might want it every weekend but that doesn’t sound like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and have never once yelled at each other, much less said anything even close to this horrible. Is alcohol involved? This is not okay or normal behavior.

That's not necessarily good. Maybe you bottle things up.
Maybe you are just meek and let people take advantage of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2-8 pm is long enough. THe fact that you often stay until 11 pm or spend the night (?!!) is beyond. He's a grown up.

+1. I dont want to stay up late drinking and crash at someone’s place on a regular basis. This isn’t college. In most families, this is not a normal expectation. Divorce. He’s selfish. You and the family dislike each other. Personally, I’d rather be alone.

First of all do we know it was crashing on the couch? Second, it was not at "someone's place." It was family. And just because your family is not close does not mean what others do is wrong. This had to be going on before they got married. Wasn't there a clue this is how they lived?

If, after spending the entire evening together, my husband was ready to leave a family gathering because he had work the day neither my family, nor, I would see this as hostility or rudeness. Apparently this dynamic feels like love and closeness to some.

It's not. That is just not what OP described.

[Anonymous]

My husband's family is like this. We live 20 minutes apart and they'd like to spend one day every weekend for 4-6 hours together. I figured that out shortly after we got married. I put boundaries in place pretty quickly. 2-4 hours max, not every weekend, and husband can visit more on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

She tried to have a conversation and work it out together - she said before they went that she wanted to get home by a certain point, which is communicating just fine. He refused to have that conversation with her, setting her up to fail to meet his expectations in this way. Their issue here is not the in-laws, or this particular time commitment at all. You cannot work it out with someone who says f*ck you and that they hate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

The middle ground is she spent 6 hours with his family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

Threatening divorce is an attention getting statement. It means I am hurting to the point where I want to change my life without you in it. If he said this, he has been thing about it for a long time. It's not normal and not ok for the relationship. But it is honest. It's a last clear shot to save things. Perhaps they are too far gone already by the time you are saying it. It's only abusive if it is a pattern over time. Here is does not seem that way but rather the possible end point of the marriage.

For those that think it is per se abusive, please tell me how else you communicate that you are done and leaving? I agree a pattern of this is abusive. But I would have said this only once and been done with the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and have never once yelled at each other, much less said anything even close to this horrible. Is alcohol involved? This is not okay or normal behavior.

That's not necessarily good. Maybe you bottle things up.
Maybe you are just meek and let people take advantage of you.

Some people are capable of commutation without yelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I huddle before EVERY move we make with family. We agree about all of it ahead of time.

Sounds so immature.

Sounds smart to me