Would you be concerned if your DD planned to marry her high school or college sweetheart

[Anonymous]

Like many posters have said, it really depends.on the individuals. There are two still-married couples from my high school class. One had a very strong relationship in HS, went to the same college and got married a few years after HS graduation. Even in HS, we could tell they were a good match. They've been married over 25 years. The other couple from my class went to different colleges and were sometimes dating, sometimes not during that time. I was kind of surprised they actually got married, but they seem to be doing fine.

DH's nephew ended up marrying his HS girlfriend. They went to different colleges and remained a couple but also put their educations first. They married a few years after college graduation. BIL commented to DH and me when they were in HS that they seemed to be a very good match and that they would be happy if they eventually , emphasis on eventually, married.

I know lots of still-married couples who met in college too.

Do I know high school and colleges couples who got divorced? Sure. But at least in my circle of friends, the divorce rate doesn't seem to be any higher among those who met while still in school, compared to those who met in their late 20s or even 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. We got married at 25 after 6 years of dating. DH is fantastic and I can't imagine how he could be a better husband or father. I feel like we grew up together and never grew apart. Our 10th anniversary is this year and we have 3 kids under 5. Key point is that both dh and I knew ourselves and we knew exactly what we were looking for in a spouse. Our families wished we had waited until we were 30 to marry, hell even dh wished we had met later in life (we started working at 22, went to night school for grad school and were just incredibly busy in our 20s), but you meet when you meet and no point in delaying a wedding just to get older. Financially, marrying young really put us ahead. We had every experience that our other friends did in their 20s, other than Tinder/bad first dates/lots of breakups.

I have quite a few friends who met the right guy when they were too young and let him go.

Come back in 10 years, please. I'm genuinely curious to see where you'll be then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. We got married at 25 after 6 years of dating. DH is fantastic and I can't imagine how he could be a better husband or father. I feel like we grew up together and never grew apart. Our 10th anniversary is this year and we have 3 kids under 5. Key point is that both dh and I knew ourselves and we knew exactly what we were looking for in a spouse. Our families wished we had waited until we were 30 to marry, hell even dh wished we had met later in life (we started working at 22, went to night school for grad school and were just incredibly busy in our 20s), but you meet when you meet and no point in delaying a wedding just to get older. Financially, marrying young really put us ahead. We had every experience that our other friends did in their 20s, other than Tinder/bad first dates/lots of breakups.

I have quite a few friends who met the right guy when they were too young and let him go.

Come back in 10 years, please. I'm genuinely curious to see where you'll be then.

if they're already 35, and have been together for 16 years, the odds are they will still be together. I'd definitely give them better odds than the 35 year old panicked by the ticking clock settling for what they can get on bumble or tinder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married at 24. Still happily married 16 years later.

At the time, I remember feeling like an adult. My H is 3.5 years older than me (we met when I was a freshman and he was a senior in college). By the time we married 5 years later, we both had masters degrees, I had a job offer, he had a good paying job, and he had 100k in savings to put down on our first house. This early start in real estate got us on a solid financial path as we climbed the property ladder in DC, so there is that side benefit.

However, it seems today that people mature much slower than they used to and most people are not ready to marry, buy a house, or have kids until at least their early thirties, if not later.

I don’t think it has anything do with “ maturing slower”. Many people realize they would rather enjoy their twenties, focus on their career, or wait for the right one. There is nothing wrong with waiting until your thirties to get married, buy a house, or have kids. It has nothing to do with maturity. Some people want to explore their carefree and childfree twenties.

Your chances of divorce go up 5% each year after 32 that you wait to get married.

I think these numbers are skewed by those entering the marriage market for a 2nd time. If you've already divorced once, you're very likely going to divorce again.

[Anonymous]

My brother met his wife at 19 as a college freshmen. They got married late 20s after they had both established themselves. Did a bit long distance during graduate school in different cities. They made it work.

They are late 40s now and a terrific team. Sometimes I marvel how they met as babies (not literally) but it's worked out really well!

Encourage them both to take opportunities and options for their careers, even if they stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. We got married at 25 after 6 years of dating. DH is fantastic and I can't imagine how he could be a better husband or father. I feel like we grew up together and never grew apart. Our 10th anniversary is this year and we have 3 kids under 5. Key point is that both dh and I knew ourselves and we knew exactly what we were looking for in a spouse. Our families wished we had waited until we were 30 to marry, hell even dh wished we had met later in life (we started working at 22, went to night school for grad school and were just incredibly busy in our 20s), but you meet when you meet and no point in delaying a wedding just to get older. Financially, marrying young really put us ahead. We had every experience that our other friends did in their 20s, other than Tinder/bad first dates/lots of breakups.

I have quite a few friends who met the right guy when they were too young and let him go.

Come back in 10 years, please. I'm genuinely curious to see where you'll be then.

My money’s on them still being happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this depends entirely on the people involved.

I met my husband at 15, started dating at 16 and then we married at age 26 after being together for 10 years. We are now 36 and just celebrated our 20th anniversary. Wouldn't have changed it at all in retrospect.

10th Anniversary, you mean.

What an odd thing to try to correct someone on. I definitely meant 20. We consider the anniversary of our date to be our true anniversary and the wedding anniversary is really secondary. We had been dating for 10 years when we got married to the ceremony itself changed absolutely nothing about our relationship or our lives.

[Anonymous]

I personally wish no-one would marry until closer to 30. I only know a few young marriages that lasted, many more that ended in divorce. So much growing and changing happens in the 20s, just not convinced most really know who they are or what they want at that point. So, yes, I'd be concerned but would not interfere. I would hope my child would be one of the exceptions, especially if I felt they were marrying a spectacular human, but I would be unsurprised if it ended up being a starter marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married my boyfriend I met freshmen year at Yale and I know 12ish couples personally from just my graduating class (and there are plenty more I don’t know personally). That was almost 25 years ago and there has not been one divorce. We got married somewhere between 25-30.

Haha. Had to work Yale into your response.

+1. I thought the same thing. This poster must be unbearable in real life.

[Anonymous]

If I am not mistaken, the lowest divorce rate is between professionally established, financially comfortable mates. Or course I'd want my DD in that group, which I would think skews a little older.

[Anonymous]

If he's great and makes her happy, then why not! Is he keeping her from doing something she wants to do, like go to medical school?

I met my husband in college and we got married at 25. It definitely changed both our career trajectories, but probably mine more so than his. But honestly, I was not that ambitious anyway, so not sure what I would've done otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meaning, someone she started dating at around 16-20 and so doesn’t have any experience with other partners or any serious experience.

Would this be concerning? My daughter started dating her boyfriend at 18 freshman year of college. She’s 23 now and is talking about getting engaged. She’s very smitten with him and we love him too. He’s not the problem. I’d love to see her marry someone like him eventually maybe 5-10 years from now.

I guess I just assumed she’d be more like her peers who want to marry later in life? I thought she’d take her twenties to date other people and “find herself” without a serious boyfriend etc. I assumed they’d break up after graduation but as she said to me, if I love him why would I break up with him? Isn’t this something people do though? Even if people end up with their hs or college sweethearts, isn’t it usually after a break in the relationship to date other people?

What would you say if your daughter started talking about getting engaged at 23 with the intention of marrying in a year or so to plan a wedding?

"I’d love to see her marry someone like him eventually maybe 5-10 years from now." This should answer your question. If he's what you wanted for her and she wants for herself, then trust the child you raised and that you did the job right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married at 24. Still happily married 16 years later.

At the time, I remember feeling like an adult. My H is 3.5 years older than me (we met when I was a freshman and he was a senior in college). By the time we married 5 years later, we both had masters degrees, I had a job offer, he had a good paying job, and he had 100k in savings to put down on our first house. This early start in real estate got us on a solid financial path as we climbed the property ladder in DC, so there is that side benefit.

However, it seems today that people mature much slower than they used to and most people are not ready to marry, buy a house, or have kids until at least their early thirties, if not later.

I don’t think it has anything do with “ maturing slower”. Many people realize they would rather enjoy their twenties, focus on their career, or wait for the right one. There is nothing wrong with waiting until your thirties to get married, buy a house, or have kids. It has nothing to do with maturity. Some people want to explore their carefree and childfree twenties.

Your chances of divorce go up 5% each year after 32 that you wait to get married.

I think these numbers are skewed by those entering the marriage market for a 2nd time. If you've already divorced once, you're very likely going to divorce again.

The older you get, the more likely the person you date or marry will have been married once before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. We got married at 25 after 6 years of dating. DH is fantastic and I can't imagine how he could be a better husband or father. I feel like we grew up together and never grew apart. Our 10th anniversary is this year and we have 3 kids under 5. Key point is that both dh and I knew ourselves and we knew exactly what we were looking for in a spouse. Our families wished we had waited until we were 30 to marry, hell even dh wished we had met later in life (we started working at 22, went to night school for grad school and were just incredibly busy in our 20s), but you meet when you meet and no point in delaying a wedding just to get older. Financially, marrying young really put us ahead. We had every experience that our other friends did in their 20s, other than Tinder/bad first dates/lots of breakups.

I have quite a few friends who met the right guy when they were too young and let him go.

Come back in 10 years, please. I'm genuinely curious to see where you'll be then.

My money’s on them still being happily married.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a terrible take. All of the HS/college couples I know who got married in their early 20s are now divorced, and it wasn't because of a sense of missing out. They realized after marrying that they had incompatible living styles, they changed their mind on whether/when to have kids, they moved away from hometowns and one spouse couldn't adjust, one spouse came out as LGBTQ+...it can work out, sure, but again anecdotally, I don't know of any young-marrying couples *outside of the super fundamentalist religious ones* who stayed married for more than a couple of years.

Maybe this is a problem among members of your own community. I know many people (including DH and me) who met our future spouses in and are still married 20+ years later. None of us are fundamentalists, and most of us have advanced degrees.