Would you be concerned if your DD planned to marry her high school or college sweetheart

[Anonymous]

Meaning, someone she started dating at around 16-20 and so doesn’t have any experience with other partners or any serious experience.

Would this be concerning? My daughter started dating her boyfriend at 18 freshman year of college. She’s 23 now and is talking about getting engaged. She’s very smitten with him and we love him too. He’s not the problem. I’d love to see her marry someone like him eventually maybe 5-10 years from now.

I guess I just assumed she’d be more like her peers who want to marry later in life? I thought she’d take her twenties to date other people and “find herself” without a serious boyfriend etc. I assumed they’d break up after graduation but as she said to me, if I love him why would I break up with him? Isn’t this something people do though? Even if people end up with their hs or college sweethearts, isn’t it usually after a break in the relationship to date other people?

What would you say if your daughter started talking about getting engaged at 23 with the intention of marrying in a year or so to plan a wedding?

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter. We got married at 25 after 6 years of dating. DH is fantastic and I can't imagine how he could be a better husband or father. I feel like we grew up together and never grew apart. Our 10th anniversary is this year and we have 3 kids under 5. Key point is that both dh and I knew ourselves and we knew exactly what we were looking for in a spouse. Our families wished we had waited until we were 30 to marry, hell even dh wished we had met later in life (we started working at 22, went to night school for grad school and were just incredibly busy in our 20s), but you meet when you meet and no point in delaying a wedding just to get older. Financially, marrying young really put us ahead. We had every experience that our other friends did in their 20s, other than Tinder/bad first dates/lots of breakups.

I have quite a few friends who met the right guy when they were too young and let him go.

[Anonymous]

Depends on when they want to marry. I married my college sweetheart (we started dating at 19) but not until we were 28. I think the younger you get together the longer you should date because people change so much in their 20s.

[Anonymous]

If they've stayed together this long then they were probably make it.

[Anonymous]

I would be elated. So long as the guy was (loosely) vetted by myself and my husband, we knew his parents, he asked us first and had a plan for his future, etc.

Finding myself was overrated. For all the fun I had back then, inbetwixt all the heartache, I honestly wish I would have had a youth with my husband instead. Memories are best when shared, and most of the people I knew back then I hardly know now. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone should work for a few years before getting married. This is the only time in your life when you can spend YOUR money the way YOU want. If she persists with the engagement track, I would push her to be independent and move out on her own. Don’t baby her through this time. I guess you should also fill us in —does she have a job, health benefits, a car, etc.

[Anonymous]

In my head, I'd be thinking what you're thinking.

Out loud, I would say "I'm so happy for you. Congrats!" and only offer advice when asked. 23 year olds don't want to be told how to live their lives by their mommies. Maybe they'll be married 60 years. Maybe they'll divorce in six months. But you gotta be cool with just letting it play out.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, sure, she might feel in 10 years (like I did) like she didnt get a chance to explore sexually. But what can you do about it? Equally likely that her ignorance will be bliss.

[Anonymous]

I got married at 24, though not to my high school or college BF.

That is plenty old enough, especially if he is a good guy and they have a strong relationship. Then she might avoid the pitfalls of having kids in her late 30s....so that is a bonus!

[Anonymous]

High school, I'd be terrified that she'd derail her life to follow him. College is normal (I did it) and I'd be happy if she is happy and if he makes her happy

[Anonymous]

My husband and I, now married 20+ years, met as college freshmen and got married at 23, so what could I say? We do tell our kids that there's no rush to find a partner, so settling down early is not something we're pushing in any way. But it worked for us.

[Anonymous]

I married my boyfriend I met freshmen year at Yale and I know 12ish couples personally from just my graduating class (and there are plenty more I don’t know personally). That was almost 25 years ago and there has not been one divorce. We got married somewhere between 25-30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High school, I'd be terrified that she'd derail her life to follow him. College is normal (I did it) and I'd be happy if she is happy and if he makes her happy

This. I know a lot of people who met their spouse in college and are very happy 25+ years later.

[Anonymous]

Having spent my own twenties and thirties “finding myself”, I say more power to them if they’ve found each other and are happy. The problem with wanting her to wait another five years is there are no assurances that a nice guy who shares her values in life will be in her circle for her to find. I know too many lovely women who never found a good partner. If they’re both happy and he’s a good guy, I’d wish them well and count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

No. I married the only man I dated. Met at 19, married at 23.