Would you be concerned if your DD planned to marry her high school or college sweetheart

[Anonymous]

My high school and college boyfriend was the best boyfriend I ever had. I kind of wanted to get the experience of dating other people. But I knew he was great so I didn’t break up with him. He wound up breaking up with me. Yes, it was great to get to date others, but I am forty and unmarried. If I had broken up with him, I would be kicking myself now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No. I married the only man I dated. Met at 19, married at 23.

Boring

PP you replied to. Hmm, except that we moved across the world at around that time to build a life in a different continent and had kids there and have had to adjust to the prevailing norms and culture. It's been interesting, actually. The USA is a weird and wonderful place.

[Anonymous]

My best friends both married their prom dates. 25 years in and one has been saying for years she wants a do-over. Her oldest is finally graduating HS. At this point she may just hold out until her loaded MIL dies so she can get half in the eventual divorce.

The other couple are the exact image of Ray’s parents in everyone loves Raymond. I can’t stand to be around them together. Ugh the bickering never ends.

I’d be concerned my DD would fall into one of these categories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it depends entirely on the people involved and their ability to grow, evolve and compromise with each other. Some of the happiest and strongest marriages I know are from people who married their college sweethearts (HS more iffy). The most problematic marriages I have seen are from women who decided in their mid to late 20s and early 30s to "settle" and marryguys who had lots of red flags just because their biological clocks were ticking and they wanted to have a child. Better to freeze ones eggs than to have to co-parent with a dysfunctional ExH. I know I will get flamed for this, but based upon all of my friends, I will say that I think the biggest predictor for marital longevity is whether your own parents stayed married (and were relatively happy together over the long run).

Yikes. You should get flamed. Of all the anecdotal evidence I have seen, people from the most "stable" two-parent non-divorced homes have been the ones to get divorced (because they marry too early). And the women who waited til late 20s/early 30s to get married are the most stable. But again, my observations are anecdotal.

I, personally, am in a very stable marriage (I married in my 30s) and my parents were divorced when I was in HS.

[Anonymous]

If both of them are mature, level-headed, grounded, and hard workers I would wish them all the best. Sincerely, without hesitation. Especially if he treats her well and has a nice family.

And I say that as someone who met their spouse at age 35 and only had our first kid last year at age 39.

I think - more importantly - is that you STRONGLY encourage her to get established in a career before thinking about kids. She needs to have a plan to support herself and the family. Life is long and unpredictable.

[Anonymous]

My DH and started dating when I was 17yo and freshman in college, got married at 25, been married 15 years this summer
My parents started dating in HS 1t 15, got married at 22, been married 50 years
My brother started dating my SIL when they were both 18yo in college, got married at 22, been married 21 years

[Anonymous]

Where are all of the posters from who married their HS and College sweethearts? I'm genuinely curious. I live in DC proper (have for over 20 years) and I know no one who married their HS sweetheart (not even from my HS days!) and I know no one who married their college sweetheart. I know one friend who married at 24 and her husband is a loser. Everyone else married late 20s, but mostly early 30s. And a good handful in late 30s/early 40s!!

[Anonymous]

I spent my 20s doing what you're talking about -- "finding myself" blah blah. Overrated. Most of the dating pool is awful, and I can't say I'm grateful for all the heartbreak I experienced either. Your daughter found a good one. Hooray -- good for her. She might not find another one quite as good again, so consider her lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this depends entirely on the people involved.

I met my husband at 15, started dating at 16 and then we married at age 26 after being together for 10 years. We are now 36 and just celebrated our 20th anniversary. Wouldn't have changed it at all in retrospect.

10th Anniversary, you mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it depends entirely on the people involved and their ability to grow, evolve and compromise with each other. Some of the happiest and strongest marriages I know are from people who married their college sweethearts (HS more iffy). The most problematic marriages I have seen are from women who decided in their mid to late 20s and early 30s to "settle" and marryguys who had lots of red flags just because their biological clocks were ticking and they wanted to have a child. Better to freeze ones eggs than to have to co-parent with a dysfunctional ExH. I know I will get flamed for this, but based upon all of my friends, I will say that I think the biggest predictor for marital longevity is whether your own parents stayed married (and were relatively happy together over the long run).

This is what I see among friends and relatives too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both of them are mature, level-headed, grounded, and hard workers I would wish them all the best. Sincerely, without hesitation. Especially if he treats her well and has a nice family.

And I say that as someone who met their spouse at age 35 and only had our first kid last year at age 39.

I think - more importantly - is that you STRONGLY encourage her to get established in a career before thinking about kids. She needs to have a plan to support herself and the family. Life is long and unpredictable.

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

My college boyfriend was my best relationship. We met at 19. Together til 25 because he wanted to get married and I had this idea I should not be married before 30. I ended up marrying someone at 32 who never right. I'm divorced.

If she really loves him and he loves her, then no, I would not be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meaning, someone she started dating at around 16-20 and so doesn’t have any experience with other partners or any serious experience.

Would this be concerning? My daughter started dating her boyfriend at 18 freshman year of college. She’s 23 now and is talking about getting engaged. She’s very smitten with him and we love him too. He’s not the problem. I’d love to see her marry someone like him eventually maybe 5-10 years from now.

I guess I just assumed she’d be more like her peers who want to marry later in life? I thought she’d take her twenties to date other people and “find herself” without a serious boyfriend etc. I assumed they’d break up after graduation but as she said to me, if I love him why would I break up with him? Isn’t this something people do though? Even if people end up with their hs or college sweethearts, isn’t it usually after a break in the relationship to date other people?

What would you say if your daughter started talking about getting engaged at 23 with the intention of marrying in a year or so to plan a wedding?

This is my best friend. She's still married to him 28 years later. They've had their ups and downs, but are pretty happy.

[Anonymous]

Married the only man I dated seriously. Met at 17, started dating at 19, broke up at 22, back together at 24, engaged at 26, married at 27. Celebrating 22 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If both of them are mature, level-headed, grounded, and hard workers I would wish them all the best. Sincerely, without hesitation. Especially if he treats her well and has a nice family.

And I say that as someone who met their spouse at age 35 and only had our first kid last year at age 39.

I think - more importantly - is that you STRONGLY encourage her to get established in a career before thinking about kids. She needs to have a plan to support herself and the family. Life is long and unpredictable.

This is excellent advice.

+1 this is really the only thing I’d be concerned about.