Would you be concerned if your DD planned to marry her high school or college sweetheart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a terrible take. All of the HS/college couples I know who got married in their early 20s are now divorced, and it wasn't because of a sense of missing out. They realized after marrying that they had incompatible living styles, they changed their mind on whether/when to have kids, they moved away from hometowns and one spouse couldn't adjust, one spouse came out as LGBTQ+...it can work out, sure, but again anecdotally, I don't know of any young-marrying couples *outside of the super fundamentalist religious ones* who stayed married for more than a couple of years.

Maybe this is a problem among members of your own community. I know many people (including DH and me) who met our future spouses in and are still married 20+ years later. None of us are fundamentalists, and most of us have advanced degrees.

I think this is owed to socio-economic and cultural factors rather than one based in age. Sure people of affluent, educated family backgrounds get divorced, but at much lower rates. Lower class families have assumed as a cultural norm what was historically limited to the elites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a terrible take. All of the HS/college couples I know who got married in their early 20s are now divorced, and it wasn't because of a sense of missing out. They realized after marrying that they had incompatible living styles, they changed their mind on whether/when to have kids, they moved away from hometowns and one spouse couldn't adjust, one spouse came out as LGBTQ+...it can work out, sure, but again anecdotally, I don't know of any young-marrying couples *outside of the super fundamentalist religious ones* who stayed married for more than a couple of years.

Maybe this is a problem among members of your own community. I know many people (including DH and me) who met our future spouses in and are still married 20+ years later. None of us are fundamentalists, and most of us have advanced degrees.

I think this is owed to socio-economic and cultural factors rather than one based in age. Sure people of affluent, educated family backgrounds get divorced, but at much lower rates. Lower class families have assumed as a cultural norm what was historically limited to the elites.

New poster here: 100% agree.

The fact of the matter is that in the U.S. most people who get married in their early and mid 20s are people who are middle, working, or lower classes. Typically with an unplanned pregnancy pushing them into marriage. Or strong religious pressures to marry. LOTS of these marriages end in divorce.

They are not dual college graduates gunning for advanced degrees. The "young marriages" discussed here on DCUM reflect a skewed sample of upper class pairings and good money relative to the typical 20-somethings who marry in the U.S.

[Anonymous]

It’s not at all the norm in my social circle / community / family to limit dating or marry young. Yet I was a college freshman (19) when I met my college freshman spouse (17). After college we were apart for two years - the first year we worked in separate cities 3 hours apart and the second year he started a PhD program about a two hour flight from my city, but we continued dating. Eventually I moved to the city where he was earning his PhD, bought a studio, and got my master’s degree. We tried breaking up in college but just because I thought we should. It never stuck more than a week or so. He always seemed more certain despite the younger age. Anyway, we eventually married 13 years ago when I was 29 and he was 27 and we now have two kids. We dated a long time, but didn’t dare others. One perk of waiting was I got to feel at least somewhat independent (3 years living alone). One draw back is when we started trying to have kids in our 30s we hit some fertility problems. In terms of whether it’s a good marriage or not, I think it has the same types of ups and downs as other marriages, but we have so much trust and history to rely on, and so many shared experiences and stories, that that’s been helpful. It’s not what I wished for myself, and not something I would want my children to think is expected, but it hasn’t been a bad outcome.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I just read the post about socio-economic factors. I came from a more wealthy family than my husband and that definitely has shaped our views on money, purchases, and values. We have pretty shared values, if his family were at one and of a scale and mine at the other, we both meet on the middle but find it hard to manage our families’ values and expectations at times.

[Anonymous]

I married my college sweetheart. We are happy at 40. A close friend married his high school sweetheart. They are going strong as well. We each have three kids, easier because we started slightly earlier. Everyone very highly educated -- ivy and near ivy, graduate degrees, etc.

I think it depends on compatibility and maturity. A "rule" against it is stupid. Trust your kid's judgment, s/he is an adult now.

[Anonymous]

Totally depends on her maturity! I had loose plans to marry my first boyfriend (we were both late bloomers and started our first relationship, with beach other, around 19). Boy am I glad we called it off and moved on. But I knew some people who just knew who they were and who I could imagine marrying at a young age. I spent my 20s finding myself. Wasn’t even sure I was straight.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Too young! Will end up a young divorcée.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I am not mistaken, the lowest divorce rate is between professionally established, financially comfortable mates. Or course I'd want my DD in that group, which I would think skews a little older.

I swear regular people are the only group that think a marriage that lasts forever is an actually accomplishment.

The top 3 wealthiest couple in this nation have all been divorced. That should tell you something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I am not mistaken, the lowest divorce rate is between professionally established, financially comfortable mates. Or course I'd want my DD in that group, which I would think skews a little older.

I swear regular people are the only group that think a marriage that lasts forever is an actually accomplishment.

The top 3 wealthiest couple in this nation have all been divorced. That should tell you something.

That money can't buy moral virtue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friends both married their prom dates. 25 years in and one has been saying for years she wants a do-over. Her oldest is finally graduating HS. At this point she may just hold out until her loaded MIL dies so she can get half in the eventual divorce.

The other couple are the exact image of Ray’s parents in everyone loves Raymond. I can’t stand to be around them together. Ugh the bickering never ends.

I’d be concerned my DD would fall into one of these categories.

Uh. Inheritance is not a marital asset, and it may even be in trust which will make that harder. Unless he commingled the assets, she will get none of his family money.

This isn’t true. I see this statement all the time on this forum and it isn’t true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I am not mistaken, the lowest divorce rate is between professionally established, financially comfortable mates. Or course I'd want my DD in that group, which I would think skews a little older.

I swear regular people are the only group that think a marriage that lasts forever is an actually accomplishment.

The top 3 wealthiest couple in this nation have all been divorced. That should tell you something.

That extreme wealth interferes with marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I am not mistaken, the lowest divorce rate is between professionally established, financially comfortable mates. Or course I'd want my DD in that group, which I would think skews a little older.

I swear regular people are the only group that think a marriage that lasts forever is an actually accomplishment.

The top 3 wealthiest couple in this nation have all been divorced. That should tell you something.

That money can't buy moral virtue?

Lmao regular people are the only group that plays by morals.

The elites do not live by the same rules that regular people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I am not mistaken, the lowest divorce rate is between professionally established, financially comfortable mates. Or course I'd want my DD in that group, which I would think skews a little older.

I swear regular people are the only group that think a marriage that lasts forever is an actually accomplishment.

The top 3 wealthiest couple in this nation have all been divorced. That should tell you something.

That money can't buy moral virtue?

Lmao regular people are the only group that plays by morals.

The elites do not live by the same rules that regular people do.

Yes, I am aware.

What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a terrible take. All of the HS/college couples I know who got married in their early 20s are now divorced, and it wasn't because of a sense of missing out. They realized after marrying that they had incompatible living styles, they changed their mind on whether/when to have kids, they moved away from hometowns and one spouse couldn't adjust, one spouse came out as LGBTQ+...it can work out, sure, but again anecdotally, I don't know of any young-marrying couples *outside of the super fundamentalist religious ones* who stayed married for more than a couple of years.

Maybe this is a problem among members of your own community. I know many people (including DH and me) who met our future spouses in and are still married 20+ years later. None of us are fundamentalists, and most of us have advanced degrees.

I think this is owed to socio-economic and cultural factors rather than one based in age. Sure people of affluent, educated family backgrounds get divorced, but at much lower rates. Lower class families have assumed as a cultural norm what was historically limited to the elites.

New poster here: 100% agree.

The fact of the matter is that in the U.S. most people who get married in their early and mid 20s are people who are middle, working, or lower classes. Typically with an unplanned pregnancy pushing them into marriage. Or strong religious pressures to marry. LOTS of these marriages end in divorce.

They are not dual college graduates gunning for advanced degrees. The "young marriages" discussed here on DCUM reflect a skewed sample of upper class pairings and good money relative to the typical 20-somethings who marry in the U.S.

I disagree, but I'm not going to find a national statistic to back it up.

Anecdotally, I know as many wealthy people who married in their mid 20s as middle class people. There is more divorce when resources are scarce. I know as many people who divorced after marrying in their 20s as marrying in their 30s, and most people I know are 40 and shacking up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friends both married their prom dates. 25 years in and one has been saying for years she wants a do-over. Her oldest is finally graduating HS. At this point she may just hold out until her loaded MIL dies so she can get half in the eventual divorce.

The other couple are the exact image of Ray’s parents in everyone loves Raymond. I can’t stand to be around them together. Ugh the bickering never ends.

I’d be concerned my DD would fall into one of these categories.

Uh. Inheritance is not a marital asset, and it may even be in trust which will make that harder. Unless he commingled the assets, she will get none of his family money.

This isn’t true. I see this statement all the time on this forum and it isn’t true.

Um, yes it is. https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/inheritance-and-divorce.html