Judgmental parents — why can’t people just mind their own business?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t have the money from private school and resents that you and others have the choice?

OP here. They make about $200K and have 2 kids. They could apply for FA. I don’t think finances are the issue.

I have no idea how much money my friends make. Even close ones. Its weird to me that so many people on this board know how much their friends make (because this isn't the first time I've seen this kind of post).


We're full pay, we both work full time, we never wanted to send our kid to public (we're both products of public, not private, no legacy). Our choice for our kid is our choice and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I know how crap the schools are where we live (nowhere near where most folks on this board post from).

Also, the whole "you aren't contributing to the public/common good" nonsense isn't a reason to send my kid to crappy public school with an overfull class, no PE, no music, no art and the school only being as good (or bad) as its current parent body in terms of their volunteer time and financial support of the school. No thanks. If I didnt have the money for private then yeah, I'd have no choice but to pull my local school up myself with any other invested and willing parents both with time and money but I'm thankful and fortunate that we can send DC to private.

They don't really -- they probably are nosy and have a sense of what the family earns, but they have no real understanding of all their finances -- what they might owe in loans, family issues, etc. No one would, because most people don't discuss at this level of detail. These are just assumptions people make to once again judge others. When someone judges you, don't sweat it -- you know why you made your decision, and so stick by it. If it makes you reconsider, then reconsider. No one has power over you. At the same time, don't go judging others yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t have the money from private school and resents that you and others have the choice?

OP here. They make about $200K and have 2 kids. They could apply for FA. I don’t think finances are the issue.

I have no idea how much money my friends make. Even close ones. Its weird to me that so many people on this board know how much their friends make (because this isn't the first time I've seen this kind of post).


We're full pay, we both work full time, we never wanted to send our kid to public (we're both products of public, not private, no legacy). Our choice for our kid is our choice and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I know how crap the schools are where we live (nowhere near where most folks on this board post from).

Also, the whole "you aren't contributing to the public/common good" nonsense isn't a reason to send my kid to crappy public school with an overfull class, no PE, no music, no art and the school only being as good (or bad) as its current parent body in terms of their volunteer time and financial support of the school. No thanks. If I didnt have the money for private then yeah, I'd have no choice but to pull my local school up myself with any other invested and willing parents both with time and money but I'm thankful and fortunate that we can send DC to private.

OP here. The reason I know is because all 4 of us except for my husband work for the fed gov’t. Our GS-grades are common knowledge within our workplaces.

Sure, but there are a dozens of other financial variables that could impact a different family's finances that are not so meets the eye. Salary is only one tiny sliver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t have the money from private school and resents that you and others have the choice?

OP here. They make about $200K and have 2 kids. They could apply for FA. I don’t think finances are the issue.

"They could apply for FA."

You are making A LOT of assumptions about your friend and projecting what you would do. That doesn't make it right for them. Get off your high horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t have the money from private school and resents that you and others have the choice?

OP here. They make about $200K and have 2 kids. They could apply for FA. I don’t think finances are the issue.

I have no idea how much money my friends make. Even close ones. Its weird to me that so many people on this board know how much their friends make (because this isn't the first time I've seen this kind of post).


We're full pay, we both work full time, we never wanted to send our kid to public (we're both products of public, not private, no legacy). Our choice for our kid is our choice and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I know how crap the schools are where we live (nowhere near where most folks on this board post from).

Also, the whole "you aren't contributing to the public/common good" nonsense isn't a reason to send my kid to crappy public school with an overfull class, no PE, no music, no art and the school only being as good (or bad) as its current parent body in terms of their volunteer time and financial support of the school. No thanks. If I didnt have the money for private then yeah, I'd have no choice but to pull my local school up myself with any other invested and willing parents both with time and money but I'm thankful and fortunate that we can send DC to private.

They don't really -- they probably are nosy and have a sense of what the family earns, but they have no real understanding of all their finances -- what they might owe in loans, family issues, etc. No one would, because most people don't discuss at this level of detail. These are just assumptions people make to once again judge others. When someone judges you, don't sweat it -- you know why you made your decision, and so stick by it. If it makes you reconsider, then reconsider. No one has power over you. At the same time, don't go judging others yourself.

Between convos, Google and LinkedIn -- vacation home or not -- it's pretty easy to ballpark a neighbor's HHI and assets. I know DCUM likes to pretend everyone can be a stealth multi-millionaire next door type, but that's generally not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a vent.

I was chatting with a friend of 8 years the other day. She has a 5 year old; I have a 3.5 year old. Her kid is starting kindergarten in their local MCPS school this fall. We were talking about how big the kids are getting, etc.

My friend asked what we’re doing for kindergarten. I told her we’re going to be looking at private schools. She said, “why would you do that?!” I just said that it’s the right decision for us. She kept going. “MCPS is so good! I can’t imagine why *anyone* would do that, unless they had some special situation or something.”

We ended up moving on to other things, but it just really irked me. I don’t understand why people can’t just let everyone do what’s right for them.

Rant over.

Its a sign of a weak ability to be a friend when someone starts a sentence with " why would you do that" about a personal decision you have thought a lot about

Imagine if you said, " I'm getting married " and they responded - " WHY... ?"

Or if you said, " I've decided to quit the law firm and open a restaurant and they respond , " WHY would anyone do that???"

Not a friend -and its not anything to do with private vs public

Your " friend" doesn't want you to have anything she is afraid she is not able to have or do . Period.

Move on, but not just in the conversation

This right here is the problem, and it’s an attitude that is far too prevalent among private school parents. Not everyone who chooses public does do because they cannot afford private. For many people, it’s a matter of values, about caring about your community beyond just your own household, and feeling it’s important to be part of what a pp referred to as the “common good.” Sure, Maine you’re friend is jealous like this poster assumes. But her response have stemmed from a disappointment in learning that you two don’t share the same values.

Sure, Jan.

People like you PP crack me up. You always seem to be bending over backwards to assure everyone you CAN afford private but you are just too virtuous to be oh-so-selfish. And all the while you live in a house specifically purchased because it’s in a very white, UMC suburb that feeds a top rate public school with a minimum of FARMs kids. Go off with yourself honey.

Spot freaking on. Bravo. (What's even more pathetic is when they don't even live in a premier posh enclave, it's more like a mid-tier suburb -- but oh yes, they CAN afford private if they want! Totally. )

[Anonymous]

Who cares
You do it for your kid and if others don’t approve that’s their opinion as well. We left public and a good public when we realized the short comings of having an above average kid. In the middle no IEP and not gifted so kid was left behind and grouped w everyone else. It’s the tragedy of large classes

[Anonymous]

I was once that mom that wondered out loud about why someone would send their kid to private school when the public options seemed great. In retrospect, I see it as judgmental. Along with all of the judgmental things I might have said out loud in moments where I lacked self-awareness or insight into the story of others, I hope I could learn from it and grow into fewer of those moments as I age.

[Anonymous]

OP is the most judgmental of them all if you are posting it here and bitterly complaining about them. You cannot always guess their salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was once that mom that wondered out loud about why someone would send their kid to private school when the public options seemed great. In retrospect, I see it as judgmental. Along with all of the judgmental things I might have said out loud in moments where I lacked self-awareness or insight into the story of others, I hope I could learn from it and grow into fewer of those moments as I age.

Not all publics are great for all kids. Not all privates are great for all kids. It depends on your child's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is the most judgmental of them all if you are posting it here and bitterly complaining about them. You cannot always guess their salary.

I know their salary because my friend has told me how much they make. Plus we all work for the gov't except for my husband, so I know their GS levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is the most judgmental of them all if you are posting it here and bitterly complaining about them. You cannot always guess their salary.

I know their salary because my friend has told me how much they make. Plus we all work for the gov't except for my husband, so I know their GS levels.

You must have a pretty uncomplicated financial situation and simple way of thinking about these things if you think you know everything you need to know about what someone can afford based on knowing their salary. Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

we’re going to be looking at private schools ...

Op, all this says is, "public schools aren't good enough for us". It would have been different if there was a particular school, a private school, you liked a lot, had reasons, and explained that. Saying you hoped your DC would get in. Done.

My guess is you both did each other a favor. You needed a quick litmus test re: the friendship, going forward. Now you know. You saves each other a lot of frustration. You know where each other stands.

Here is why we chose private:

our in bounds DCPS elementary has 55% students below grade level for reading and math and 1 in 3 has a parent who is in prison

Judge me all you want

[Anonymous]

OP, does your friend know you went to Andover? Have you mentioned it occasionally in conversations? I suspect your “friend” secretly thinks you are elitist and didn’t know how else to react when you mentioned your plan to send your 3.5 year old to private school. Yes, she is insecure. Maybe start hanging around with other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your friend know you went to Andover? Have you mentioned it occasionally in conversations? I suspect your “friend” secretly thinks you are elitist and didn’t know how else to react when you mentioned your plan to send your 3.5 year old to private school. Yes, she is insecure. Maybe start hanging around with other people?

OP here. It may have come up earlier in our friendship when she said she was from Massachusetts. I have no family history with private school, but I'm sure she probably does think I'm elitist for having gone there. (Of course, she went to MIT for grad school, so it's not as though she has no affiliation with those types of schools).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

we’re going to be looking at private schools ...

Op, all this says is, "public schools aren't good enough for us". It would have been different if there was a particular school, a private school, you liked a lot, had reasons, and explained that. Saying you hoped your DC would get in. Done.

My guess is you both did each other a favor. You needed a quick litmus test re: the friendship, going forward. Now you know. You saves each other a lot of frustration. You know where each other stands.

Here is why we chose private:

our in bounds DCPS elementary has 55% students below grade level for reading and math and 1 in 3 has a parent who is in prison

Judge me all you want

See, at least you're honest. Way better than the people on this thread crowing about how selfish private school families are, while they sit in their Bethesda homes and send their kids to Whitman. Such diversity in that school, with less than 5% ESOL and FARMS kids.