Boyfriend Texts Ex-wife Too Often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in this exact same position. I went (with my boyfriend) to a couples therapist who specializes in blending families.

It was incredibly eye opening for me. You have to be prepared for some very harsh realities but once you have accepted them, it is very life changing. It helped my boyfriend establish appropriate boundaries with his ex, and made me see how I was taking things way too personally.

His children were always the therapists main priority. You have to accept that. You are secondary. You have to accept that. You don't have to like it but your boyfriend will always prioritize them. You have to decide if that is the kind of relationship you can handle. It's not easy but it's the way it is.

I'm telling you to seek therapy not because there is a thing wrong with you, but because you really should understand these dynamics before you are unable to think with your head and you're just thinking with your heart. Good luck.

Thank you. I will suggest couple's therapy to my boyfriend. I think that a lot of people misunderstood me when I mentioned his children would be graduating soon. I meant that once they're older, a lot of the uncomfortableness will cease because there won't be anymore every other weekend visitation. People here are so angry and mean and clearly projecting from their own experiences. -Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you aren't going to be number one. The kids will be. You say they have five years and then they are off to college. Uh no, the kids will return for holidays, visits maybe to even move in after graduation before they get a job. They will be around for however long you stay together.

If there is fighting there is still emotion. Indifference is when people have really moved on.

You say there are more texts than Merry Christmas, talking about all sorts of things, not all kid related, they are friendly and your boyfriend won't let you see them. You may now be the OW. They may not get back together again but there may be a little something until he works that out.

I think it’s odd he texts her about things other than the kids. This is problematic and means she still has stuff over his head or he’s not over her. He needs to shape up or he will be alone forever.

As soon as his ex meets another guy the chatty convos about this and that will add stat. He will regret how he traded potentially good match.

Will “end” stat. And “treated” not “traded.”

I think that it's odd as well. I'm not sure if she has something over his head and I can't imagine what that would even possibly be but as I posted initially, I do have concerns about him not being over here. Him feeling the need to be super chatty with her is concerning. I'm hoping that he is not having regrets or remorse for their divorce. I would be devastated if he felt that he made a mistake. - Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he’s still sleeping with her (and you).

He's still married.

He is not still married. They are divorced and we live together. - Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merry Christmas and Happy New Year are too buddy for people who have children together?!? You sound a bit insecure.

I do feel insecure. I've never been married and after witnessing how horrible their divorce was I just figured she would be way out of the picture and they would only communicate about their children. It wasn't a good marriage. I didn't expect them to become friends after the divorce. This time last year they absolutely hated each other. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm wondering if this communication will lead to something else.

You're afraid he might go back to her?

She is the mother of his kids, it will be a long time before she is "way out of the picture. "

You slept with a married man. This is what you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merry Christmas and Happy New Year are too buddy for people who have children together?!? You sound a bit insecure.

I do feel insecure. I've never been married and after witnessing how horrible their divorce was I just figured she would be way out of the picture and they would only communicate about their children. It wasn't a good marriage. I didn't expect them to become friends after the divorce. This time last year they absolutely hated each other. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm wondering if this communication will lead to something else.

You're afraid he might go back to her?

She is the mother of his kids, it will be a long time before she is "way out of the picture. "

You slept with a married man. This is what you get.

He's not married now and that's all that matters. -Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merry Christmas and Happy New Year are too buddy for people who have children together?!? You sound a bit insecure.

I do feel insecure. I've never been married and after witnessing how horrible their divorce was I just figured she would be way out of the picture and they would only communicate about their children. It wasn't a good marriage. I didn't expect them to become friends after the divorce. This time last year they absolutely hated each other. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm wondering if this communication will lead to something else.

You're afraid he might go back to her?

She is the mother of his kids, it will be a long time before she is "way out of the picture. "

You slept with a married man. This is what you get.

He's not married now and that's all that matters. -Op

Then cordial texts with the mother of his children shouldn't be a problem for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merry Christmas and Happy New Year are too buddy for people who have children together?!? You sound a bit insecure.

I do feel insecure. I've never been married and after witnessing how horrible their divorce was I just figured she would be way out of the picture and they would only communicate about their children. It wasn't a good marriage. I didn't expect them to become friends after the divorce. This time last year they absolutely hated each other. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm wondering if this communication will lead to something else.

You're afraid he might go back to her?

She is the mother of his kids, it will be a long time before she is "way out of the picture. "

You slept with a married man. This is what you get.

He's not married now and that's all that matters. -Op

OP - did you cheat with this guy? If so, that does change my answer, the risk is higher that he has regrets and that it isn’t innocent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merry Christmas and Happy New Year are too buddy for people who have children together?!? You sound a bit insecure.

I do feel insecure. I've never been married and after witnessing how horrible their divorce was I just figured she would be way out of the picture and they would only communicate about their children. It wasn't a good marriage. I didn't expect them to become friends after the divorce. This time last year they absolutely hated each other. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm wondering if this communication will lead to something else.

You're afraid he might go back to her?

She is the mother of his kids, it will be a long time before she is "way out of the picture. "

You slept with a married man. This is what you get.

He's not married now and that's all that matters. -Op

You’re in for a rude awakening if you continue being this blind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merry Christmas and Happy New Year are too buddy for people who have children together?!? You sound a bit insecure.

I do feel insecure. I've never been married and after witnessing how horrible their divorce was I just figured she would be way out of the picture and they would only communicate about their children. It wasn't a good marriage. I didn't expect them to become friends after the divorce. This time last year they absolutely hated each other. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm wondering if this communication will lead to something else.

You're afraid he might go back to her?

She is the mother of his kids, it will be a long time before she is "way out of the picture. "

You slept with a married man. This is what you get.

He's not married now and that's all that matters. -Op

OP - did you cheat with this guy? If so, that does change my answer, the risk is higher that he has regrets and that it isn’t innocent.

The timeline makes it pretty clear she did. They've been together 18 months, but her boyfriend has only been divorced 6 months. Here's the timeline that I find most likely:

Affair beings: Spring 2018
Separation due to wife learning of infidelity: Summer 2018
Divorce finalized: Summer 2019

That fits OP's description of timing, and also explains all of the "they hated each other" and "the marriage was dead" talk that she seems to have bought lock, stock, and barrel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merry Christmas and Happy New Year are too buddy for people who have children together?!? You sound a bit insecure.

I do feel insecure. I've never been married and after witnessing how horrible their divorce was I just figured she would be way out of the picture and they would only communicate about their children. It wasn't a good marriage. I didn't expect them to become friends after the divorce. This time last year they absolutely hated each other. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm wondering if this communication will lead to something else.

You're afraid he might go back to her?

She is the mother of his kids, it will be a long time before she is "way out of the picture. "

You slept with a married man. This is what you get.

He's not married now and that's all that matters. -Op

OP - did you cheat with this guy? If so, that does change my answer, the risk is higher that he has regrets and that it isn’t innocent.

The timeline makes it pretty clear she did. They've been together 18 months, but her boyfriend has only been divorced 6 months. Here's the timeline that I find most likely:

Affair beings: Spring 2018
Separation due to wife learning of infidelity: Summer 2018
Divorce finalized: Summer 2019

That fits OP's description of timing, and also explains all of the "they hated each other" and "the marriage was dead" talk that she seems to have bought lock, stock, and barrel.

That's obviously why op Is so insecure. Not that she would admit it but deep deep down she knows what kind a man he is. A cheater who was willing to destroy his marriage and his kids lives. So what's stopping him from doing it to her?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else remember the post about six months ago where the OP was asking about how her boyfriend keeps comparing her favorably to his ex-wife?

They boyfriend was going on and on about how hot the girlfriend was, and the girlfriend was kind of running down the ex-wife as not caring about her appearance.

I wonder if this is the same poster. That poster had the same insistence on not talking about the timeline of the relationship, and on how it was obvious that the boyfriend would prefer her becuase she would never get old, or gain weight, or get sick, or do anything else to jeopardize her looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else remember the post about six months ago where the OP was asking about how her boyfriend keeps comparing her favorably to his ex-wife?

They boyfriend was going on and on about how hot the girlfriend was, and the girlfriend was kind of running down the ex-wife as not caring about her appearance.

I wonder if this is the same poster. That poster had the same insistence on not talking about the timeline of the relationship, and on how it was obvious that the boyfriend would prefer her becuase she would never get old, or gain weight, or get sick, or do anything else to jeopardize her looks.

You're right. This is what happens when you fall in love with a cheater. You become very insecure and try to fight away that insecurity by sounding like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

I hVent reall the whole thread, but my input is that I’d be worried if he DIDN’T wish his ex happy holidays, and check in periodically.

I always watch how people treat their “enemies” to know how they will treat me. If they can treat people that have Hurt/wronged/etc. them well, then they will treat the people that are kind to them even better.

Your BF and his ex have a history, and children together. She’s never going to be erased.

[Anonymous]

He's going to cheat on you too, OP. I'm sorry this thread has been harsh, but you should not settle down with this man. The only way second marriages with children work out is if the man meets his new partner at least a year after the divorce is final, and she LOVES his children and is okay not having any of her own. You should get out as soon as you find the strength. You should also figure out why you started "dating" this guy while he was still married (I don't care if you think it was a technicality because it wasn't).

[Anonymous]

Hi Op, I can make this easy for you. I was the ex-wife in your story, and yes, after the divorce we were still sleeping together. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of exes find their way back into the bed.

A signed decree dissolves the legal union, but not necessarily the emotional/spiritual union. Ties are difficult to break. If something as innocuous as a well wish via text sets you off, I would suggest that you may not be cut out for the blended family scenario. You feeling secure in the relationship should not be contingent on their hatred of one another.