Boyfriend Texts Ex-wife Too Often

[Anonymous]

Well OP, he slept with you while he was still married to someone else.

Odds are he will cheat on you. Maybe not with his ex wife. Maybe with someone who will believe the same lines you did. Your gut instinct is partially correct.

[Anonymous]

OP, truly dead marriages tend to lead to generally amicable divorces without a whole lot of explosive hatred and emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I get why it sounds cruel. Yes, he was married but it was a shell of a marriage. He hadn't been really happy for at least 10 years or more. I'm not super annoyed by the texts just trying to figure out if there's more behind it. Most people commenting seemed to have missed where I said they hated each other. Is it not odd that they'd be friendly now? It's a turn I wasn't expecting and I have to admit that it did provide a little sense of security for me seeing them at each other's throats.

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

I want you to read all of this, but consider that your boyfriend is not a reliable narrator of his own situation.

What is most of this was a lie, meant to get your sympathy and to make him seem more available than he was? What if it wasn't a "shell" of a marriage until he started cheating? What if he hadn't been unhappy for 10 years? What if they didn't really hate each other, but hated the divorce enough to project hatred on one another?

Basically, you fell for the oldest 40+ man trick in the book. Your boyfriend told you a pack of lies. He may have even believed them at the time, because that's what liminence plus a midlife crisis do to your brain. But now that the dust has settled and liminence has worn off (it takes roughly 12 months), he's wondering if he made a mistake by blowing up his family for something that's now looking kind of...normal.

+1 the word is "limerence" btw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You feeling secure in the relationship should not be contingent on their hatred of one another.

This. Why do you need them to hate one another in order to feel comfortable in your relationship? Try to figure out why you are so threatened by the ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Merry Christmas and Happy New Year are too buddy for people who have children together?!? You sound a bit insecure.

I do feel insecure. I've never been married and after witnessing how horrible their divorce was I just figured she would be way out of the picture and they would only communicate about their children. It wasn't a good marriage. I didn't expect them to become friends after the divorce. This time last year they absolutely hated each other. So yes, I'm insecure. I'm wondering if this communication will lead to something else.

OP - you sound like you’re 14. Seriously. Grow the F up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, divorce doesn't end a relationship. It only changes the legal and day to day nature of the relationship. The part that never changes: parenthood. Your relationship with him will never be just you and him. It's you and him and them and her. Forever. And he will always have feelings for all of them in some shape or form unless he is a robot.

Yeah like that girl I went out with in college? Divorce ENDS the marriage. It’s over.

Thank you. These people are saying I'm mental because I expect a divorce to end the relationship. Silly me!! I didn't think people who hated each other would suddenly become friendly.

I suspect a good deal of these people are married women who can’t bear the thought of their marriage being over and they are projecting their fears on you.

Lots of people divorce and move on. It often takes time. Having a fake friendship doesn’t help the kids. Give him a few months and see how it goes. I can think of four divorced guys with kids off the top of my head who would be great for you. The fact this guy still acts all giddy with his ex means he isn’t over her or she still has something over him. Give him time. Also give him a reason to be scared of losing you. Be wonderful to his kids. Have great sexual chemistry. You can negotiate through strength.

Thank you. We have great chemistry and really enjoy each other's company. This has me feeling insecure a bit and I didn't expect to be flamed for wondering if he was over his marriage and/or ex-wife. I surely didn't expect to be told I needed therapy! I am very nice to his children, but they have not warmed up to me at all. -Op

I mean this in the kindest of ways but you sound delusional. Their parents divorced. You’re annoyed dad talks to mom. Kids KNOW things. They see things. Why on earth would they warm to you? You’re annoyed/skeptical/threatened that their mom and dad are saying “Merry Christmas.” That’s horribly sad, OP! You sound cruel and clueless!

I get why it sounds cruel. Yes, he was married but it was a shell of a marriage. He hadn't been really happy for at least 10 years or more. I'm not super annoyed by the texts just trying to figure out if there's more behind it. Most people commenting seemed to have missed where I said they hated each other . Is it not odd that they'd be friendly now? It's a turn I wasn't expecting and I have to admit that it did provide a little sense of security for me seeing them at each other's throats.

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

Like others have said, you are delusional. Please check in with us in 5 years and let us know how it’s going after the kids are off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, divorce doesn't end a relationship. It only changes the legal and day to day nature of the relationship. The part that never changes: parenthood. Your relationship with him will never be just you and him. It's you and him and them and her. Forever. And he will always have feelings for all of them in some shape or form unless he is a robot.

Yeah like that girl I went out with in college? Divorce ENDS the marriage. It’s over.

Thank you. These people are saying I'm mental because I expect a divorce to end the relationship. Silly me!! I didn't think people who hated each other would suddenly become friendly.

I suspect a good deal of these people are married women who can’t bear the thought of their marriage being over and they are projecting their fears on you.

Lots of people divorce and move on. It often takes time. Having a fake friendship doesn’t help the kids. Give him a few months and see how it goes. I can think of four divorced guys with kids off the top of my head who would be great for you. The fact this guy still acts all giddy with his ex means he isn’t over her or she still has something over him. Give him time. Also give him a reason to be scared of losing you. Be wonderful to his kids. Have great sexual chemistry. You can negotiate through strength.

Thank you. We have great chemistry and really enjoy each other's company. This has me feeling insecure a bit and I didn't expect to be flamed for wondering if he was over his marriage and/or ex-wife. I surely didn't expect to be told I needed therapy! I am very nice to his children, but they have not warmed up to me at all. -Op

I mean this in the kindest of ways but you sound delusional. Their parents divorced. You’re annoyed dad talks to mom. Kids KNOW things. They see things. Why on earth would they warm to you? You’re annoyed/skeptical/threatened that their mom and dad are saying “Merry Christmas.” That’s horribly sad, OP! You sound cruel and clueless!

I get why it sounds cruel. Yes, he was married but it was a shell of a marriage. He hadn't been really happy for at least 10 years or more. I'm not super annoyed by the texts just trying to figure out if there's more behind it. Most people commenting seemed to have missed where I said they hated each other . Is it not odd that they'd be friendly now? It's a turn I wasn't expecting and I have to admit that it did provide a little sense of security for me seeing them at each other's throats.

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

Like others have said, you are delusional. Please check in with us in 5 years and let us know how it’s going after the kids are off to college.

No wonder your boyfriend is getting chummy with his ex.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why divorced parents mess with non-parents. They just don't get it. A single parent's priorities will always be 1. family (this includes whatever needs to happen with the ex to ensure civility); 2. work, because you have to afford #1; and 3. MAYBE you. I'm divorced with two kids and dating a lovely man in the same situation. We understand each other's lives. I couldn't imagine having to defend being civil towards the father of my children.

[Anonymous]

Separated 2001, divorced 2004, have communicated with her twice since, once at our daughter's wedding, last time in 2011 regarding an old medical bill (which I paid).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separated 2001, divorced 2004, have communicated with her twice since, once at our daughter's wedding, last time in 2011 regarding an old medical bill (which I paid).

It is clear from OP's letter that the kids are under 18. That makes for a much different scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I get why it sounds cruel. Yes, he was married but it was a shell of a marriage. He hadn't been really happy for at least 10 years or more. I'm not super annoyed by the texts just trying to figure out if there's more behind it. Most people commenting seemed to have missed where I said they hated each other. Is it not odd that they'd be friendly now? It's a turn I wasn't expecting and I have to admit that it did provide a little sense of security for me seeing them at each other's throats.

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

I want you to read all of this, but consider that your boyfriend is not a reliable narrator of his own situation.

What is most of this was a lie, meant to get your sympathy and to make him seem more available than he was? What if it wasn't a "shell" of a marriage until he started cheating? What if he hadn't been unhappy for 10 years? What if they didn't really hate each other, but hated the divorce enough to project hatred on one another?

Basically, you fell for the oldest 40+ man trick in the book. Your boyfriend told you a pack of lies. He may have even believed them at the time, because that's what liminence plus a midlife crisis do to your brain. But now that the dust has settled and liminence has worn off (it takes roughly 12 months), he's wondering if he made a mistake by blowing up his family for something that's now looking kind of...normal.

+1 the word is "limerence" btw

Run OP. You don’t deserve all the crap you’ll have to be dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if there’s nothing untoward going on, why are you wasting your time on a divorced man? You’ll have to deal with his ex for many years. If you marry him, some of the joint finances will go to child support (and maybe alimony). If you have children together, his attention will be divided between yours and those with his ex. You’ve never been married before, so go find a single guy without all this stuff going on. And stay away from the married ones.

Agree. Not worth it!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separated 2001, divorced 2004, have communicated with her twice since, once at our daughter's wedding, last time in 2011 regarding an old medical bill (which I paid).

You are very lucky. I wish my DH was like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separated 2001, divorced 2004, have communicated with her twice since, once at our daughter's wedding, last time in 2011 regarding an old medical bill (which I paid).

Yet everyone on this thread thought I was nuts for being surprised that he was being super friendly with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if there’s nothing untoward going on, why are you wasting your time on a divorced man? You’ll have to deal with his ex for many years. If you marry him, some of the joint finances will go to child support (and maybe alimony). If you have children together, his attention will be divided between yours and those with his ex. You’ve never been married before, so go find a single guy without all this stuff going on. And stay away from the married ones.

Agree. Not worth it!!!

He's already divorced. Child support has been determined and he doesn't pay alimony. But thanks. OP