Boyfriend Texts Ex-wife Too Often

[Anonymous]

She’s the mother of his children. Tossing out an olive branch can be a good thing. I wish Merry Christmas to a couple of ex BF’s and my husband couldn’t care less. I know it’s different than an ex spouse but if you are going to be insecure you should move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has very low emotional intelligence.

I think she may just be really really young. I wonder what the age difference is between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has very low emotional intelligence.

I think she may just be really really young. I wonder what the age difference is between them.

She's not really really young, unless you consider 36 to qualify.

[Anonymous]

I get why it sounds cruel. Yes, he was married but it was a shell of a marriage. He hadn't been really happy for at least 10 years or more. I'm not super annoyed by the texts just trying to figure out if there's more behind it. Most people commenting seemed to have missed where I said they hated each other. Is it not odd that they'd be friendly now? It's a turn I wasn't expecting and I have to admit that it did provide a little sense of security for me seeing them at each other's throats.

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

I want you to read all of this, but consider that your boyfriend is not a reliable narrator of his own situation.

What is most of this was a lie, meant to get your sympathy and to make him seem more available than he was? What if it wasn't a "shell" of a marriage until he started cheating? What if he hadn't been unhappy for 10 years? What if they didn't really hate each other, but hated the divorce enough to project hatred on one another?

Basically, you fell for the oldest 40+ man trick in the book. Your boyfriend told you a pack of lies. He may have even believed them at the time, because that's what liminence plus a midlife crisis do to your brain. But now that the dust has settled and liminence has worn off (it takes roughly 12 months), he's wondering if he made a mistake by blowing up his family for something that's now looking kind of...normal.

[Anonymous]

I have to text my ex of ten years fairly often re the kids, still. Anyone could read our texts, there is nothing there but kid business. So I'd expect frequent texting but also expect him not to hide the texts.

Sounds like you got involved with a not-quite divorced guy with young kids awfully fast. This is the situation you chose. It's going to be a long road if you stay with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was laying in the bed with boyfriend and saw a text on his phone come through from his ex-wife. I asked him what it was about because it was late. He wouldn't show me the text, but said it had to do with one of their children. They haven't been divorced long (6 mos) and I'm concerned that he's not over her. We started dating a year before their divorce was final and they fought a lot over every detail of custody, the house and alimony. He shared a lot with me about how mean and vindictive she was. Anyway, this morning I looked at his texts and saw that he sent her a Merry Christmas text and a Happy New Year text. Why is he being nice to her? Like why does he even still care to do this? I get that they have kids, but this seems a little too buddy, buddy for me. Should I be concerned that he's not over her?

you are not ready to date man with kids. He should be doing everything possible to have a civil relationship with his ex. If him wishing her merry christmas bothers you, you need to break up. She will be in his life in some way forever. I have never dated a man with kids but this seems pretty obvious. Also, you are only getting one side of the story. No one paints themselves as the a-hole in a break up. Are you a lot younger than your boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are too insecure to be in this relationship. She’s going to be in his life forever so you either trust him or don’t but doesn’t sound like you do so move on.

No, his children are in his life forever, NOT his ex.

He needs to draw straight lines with his ex and his own personal life with OP. If he wants to be all chummy with his unstable ex, they should have stayed married.

You must be an immature second wife.

Sending the text equivalent of a Christmas card is not being chummy.

And yes, the ex is still in his life as a co-parent. Graduations, weddings, grandkids—all of these mean there will be interaction down the road if they’re not absolute crap selfish parents.

[Anonymous]

PP here. My DH was married for ten years before me. he also said he had cold feet but went through with it but was never happy etc... Its easy to paint the ex as the bad guy but DH was also dealing with depression and anxiety during the marriage and that is really hard on a spouse.
With time, they had an amicable divorce. They even worked together briefly. By the time anyone is age 30, the have a "past" ex houses, ex anything, kids, whatever,r you need to get over it and accept this in your situation. Btw, I met his ex once, she was lovely and the first person to visit us when we came home with our new baby, brought a ton of food. Its actually really nice when exes can move past the anger, remember the good stuff and be genuinelly happy that everyone has moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I get why it sounds cruel. Yes, he was married but it was a shell of a marriage. He hadn't been really happy for at least 10 years or more. I'm not super annoyed by the texts just trying to figure out if there's more behind it. Most people commenting seemed to have missed where I said they hated each other. Is it not odd that they'd be friendly now? It's a turn I wasn't expecting and I have to admit that it did provide a little sense of security for me seeing them at each other's throats.

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

I want you to read all of this, but consider that your boyfriend is not a reliable narrator of his own situation.

What is most of this was a lie, meant to get your sympathy and to make him seem more available than he was? What if it wasn't a "shell" of a marriage until he started cheating? What if he hadn't been unhappy for 10 years? What if they didn't really hate each other, but hated the divorce enough to project hatred on one another?

Basically, you fell for the oldest 40+ man trick in the book. Your boyfriend told you a pack of lies. He may have even believed them at the time, because that's what liminence plus a midlife crisis do to your brain. But now that the dust has settled and liminence has worn off (it takes roughly 12 months), he's wondering if he made a mistake by blowing up his family for something that's now looking kind of...normal.

*limerence, but yes I agree with all of what PP says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I get why it sounds cruel. Yes, he was married but it was a shell of a marriage. He hadn't been really happy for at least 10 years or more. I'm not super annoyed by the texts just trying to figure out if there's more behind it. Most people commenting seemed to have missed where I said they hated each other. Is it not odd that they'd be friendly now? It's a turn I wasn't expecting and I have to admit that it did provide a little sense of security for me seeing them at each other's throats.

In less than five years the kids will be off to college so it's okay if they don't like me because they'll be gone most of the time soon anyway. I will just continue to be nice.

I want you to read all of this, but consider that your boyfriend is not a reliable narrator of his own situation.

What is most of this was a lie, meant to get your sympathy and to make him seem more available than he was? What if it wasn't a "shell" of a marriage until he started cheating? What if he hadn't been unhappy for 10 years? What if they didn't really hate each other, but hated the divorce enough to project hatred on one another?

Basically, you fell for the oldest 40+ man trick in the book. Your boyfriend told you a pack of lies. He may have even believed them at the time, because that's what liminence plus a midlife crisis do to your brain. But now that the dust has settled and liminence has worn off (it takes roughly 12 months), he's wondering if he made a mistake by blowing up his family for something that's now looking kind of...normal.

*limerence, but yes I agree with all of what PP says.

PP here. Dammit, I knew I should have looked the word up. But, yeah. I still agree with myself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in this exact same position. I went (with my boyfriend) to a couples therapist who specializes in blending families.

It was incredibly eye opening for me. You have to be prepared for some very harsh realities but once you have accepted them, it is very life changing. It helped my boyfriend establish appropriate boundaries with his ex, and made me see how I was taking things way too personally.

His children were always the therapists main priority. You have to accept that. You are secondary. You have to accept that. You don't have to like it but your boyfriend will always prioritize them. You have to decide if that is the kind of relationship you can handle. It's not easy but it's the way it is.

I'm telling you to seek therapy not because there is a thing wrong with you, but because you really should understand these dynamics before you are unable to think with your head and you're just thinking with your heart. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was laying in the bed with boyfriend and saw a text on his phone come through from his ex-wife. I asked him what it was about because it was late. He wouldn't show me the text, but said it had to do with one of their children. They haven't been divorced long (6 mos) and I'm concerned that he's not over her. We started dating a year before their divorce was final and they fought a lot over every detail of custody, the house and alimony. He shared a lot with me about how mean and vindictive she was. Anyway, this morning I looked at his texts and saw that he sent her a Merry Christmas text and a Happy New Year text. Why is he being nice to her? Like why does he even still care to do this? I get that they have kids, but this seems a little too buddy, buddy for me. Should I be concerned that he's not over her?

you are not ready to date man with kids. He should be doing everything possible to have a civil relationship with his ex. If him wishing her merry christmas bothers you, you need to break up. She will be in his life in some way forever. I have never dated a man with kids but this seems pretty obvious. Also, you are only getting one side of the story. No one paints themselves as the a-hole in a break up. Are you a lot younger than your boyfriend?

This. You need to get into counseling to figure out why you are so insecure. Any divorced person with kids should put in serious effort to have a good relationship with the ex - even if they hated each other during the divorce. It's literally the only mature thing to do when kids are involved. If you keep this up, your BF is going to dump you so fast for being a silly, high-maintenance insecure baby.

[Anonymous]

Op you aren't going to be number one. The kids will be. You say they have five years and then they are off to college. Uh no, the kids will return for holidays, visits maybe to even move in after graduation before they get a job. They will be around for however long you stay together.

If there is fighting there is still emotion. Indifference is when people have really moved on.

You say there are more texts than Merry Christmas, talking about all sorts of things, not all kid related, they are friendly and your boyfriend won't let you see them. You may now be the OW. They may not get back together again but there may be a little something until he works that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you aren't going to be number one. The kids will be. You say they have five years and then they are off to college. Uh no, the kids will return for holidays, visits maybe to even move in after graduation before they get a job. They will be around for however long you stay together.

If there is fighting there is still emotion. Indifference is when people have really moved on.

You say there are more texts than Merry Christmas, talking about all sorts of things, not all kid related, they are friendly and your boyfriend won't let you see them. You may now be the OW. They may not get back together again but there may be a little something until he works that out.

I think it’s odd he texts her about things other than the kids. This is problematic and means she still has stuff over his head or he’s not over her. He needs to shape up or he will be alone forever.

As soon as his ex meets another guy the chatty convos about this and that will add stat. He will regret how he traded potentially good match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you aren't going to be number one. The kids will be. You say they have five years and then they are off to college. Uh no, the kids will return for holidays, visits maybe to even move in after graduation before they get a job. They will be around for however long you stay together.

If there is fighting there is still emotion. Indifference is when people have really moved on.

You say there are more texts than Merry Christmas, talking about all sorts of things, not all kid related, they are friendly and your boyfriend won't let you see them. You may now be the OW. They may not get back together again but there may be a little something until he works that out.

I think it’s odd he texts her about things other than the kids. This is problematic and means she still has stuff over his head or he’s not over her. He needs to shape up or he will be alone forever.

As soon as his ex meets another guy the chatty convos about this and that will add stat. He will regret how he traded potentially good match.

Will “end” stat. And “treated” not “traded.”