Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

No, it’s not. If your kid is such a phenom he will be recruited regardless of whether he plays in this event.

This is completely untrue. I know many D1 athletes and have many in my family.

Non athletic families will never understand its athletes.

It is kind of a big deal no matter if there are other national championships. Middle school years aren't that early for athletes as some are recruited early in their H.S. years.

In addition, dad has missed 20+ dates and now wants son to be all in for his wedding? Ex wife definitely doesn't sound like a bitch. You sound irrational and self centered.

A “national championship” for 12 year olds isn’t a big deal. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The order is: Family, school, God, your sport. In that order. "

That should be the order for Dad and soon to be step mom too. Unfortunately, they don't seem to consider the child, otherwise they would not have scheduled an event to place him in a position where all of these things come into conflict. They could have picked a different weekend; the kid can't. This is on them. No child should be forced to make a choice like this when it is entirely avoidable.

It sounds like there isn’t very good communication between parents. But it is not “on them” to clear schedules with a child before setting their wedding date. That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard.

This is an elaborate excuse by OP to withhold his son from him when he remarries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

College scholarships are being handed out to 13 yos who won’t even be there for 4-5 years?

Yes it happens

No it doesn’t. Op is talking about high school coaches.

NCAA rules prohibit recruitment so young.

For a while some that age were signing letters of intent in some sports but there were no scholarships and they weren’t really worth the paper they were printed on. But the NCAA put a stop to that.

It’s different for each sport.

Nothing is signed, it’s a verbal commitment.

You don’t sound educated on this subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"The order is: Family, school, God, your sport. In that order. "

That should be the order for Dad and soon to be step mom too. Unfortunately, they don't seem to consider the child, otherwise they would not have scheduled an event to place him in a position where all of these things come into conflict. They could have picked a different weekend; the kid can't. This is on them. No child should be forced to make a choice like this when it is entirely avoidable.

It sounds like there isn’t very good communication between parents. But it is not “on them” to clear schedules with a child before setting their wedding date. That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard.

This is an elaborate excuse by OP to withhold his son from him when he remarries.

Our order is God, others, self

So the dad is not living by our motto.

Adults are required to model this for kids.

Father’s need to stay involved to know their kids schedule.

I hope his mom chooses the championship over the wedding. That would make my day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

No, it’s not. If your kid is such a phenom he will be recruited regardless of whether he plays in this event.

This is completely untrue. I know many D1 athletes and have many in my family.

Non athletic families will never understand its athletes.

It is kind of a big deal no matter if there are other national championships. Middle school years aren't that early for athletes as some are recruited early in their H.S. years.

In addition, dad has missed 20+ dates and now wants son to be all in for his wedding? Ex wife definitely doesn't sound like a bitch. You sound irrational and self centered.

A “national championship” for 12 year olds isn’t a big deal. Get a grip.

You sound very unathletic.

You don’t know how important it is for an athlete to go to the right HS.

Also a national championship on a college app is a hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you for all of the responses. I’m pretty clear on the position I’m taking at this point. I think keeping it about my kid is the best thing to do. Ex truly hasn’t invested the the time or reputation with our DS to demand that our son give up his hard earned opportunity.

Thanks for the insights DCUM, signing off.

I don’t say this often but you are a bad parent.

You're out of your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to clarify something — the event has only been scheduled, correct? This boy’s team hasn’t qualified to participate yet? Has the season even begun?

So many things could happen: The team may not qualify, or get knocked out in early playoff rounds. Or kid might get injured. Or not make the team for whatever reason (including having an obnoxious mother).

But the wedding date is set, right?

So you are pitching a fit over a hypothetical scenario where your kids’ team wins a national championship and gets recruited to a division 1 feeder high school?

Why would high school coaches from your town be scouting a national championship? Is the event held here? If it is, can’t he do both? You couldn’t possibly know game times yet.

None of this makes much sense and adds up to Mom trying to keep son from Dad.

1. What you’re seeking to clarify has already been clarified in previous posts.
2. DS already qualified for nationals.
3. Every sport is different. And yes, private schools and some clubs do offer admission/scholarships based of performances at nationally recognized competitions.
4. Read the previous posts.

1) No it isn’t. Has the team’s season even begun? What sport is this exactly?
2) I realize he has qualified due to his age. Beyond that, there couldn’t be any individual qualifications.
3) That wasn’t the question. The question is why would high schools from your town (DC?) be recruiting at an out-of-Town national championship? Or is the championship in your town/DC? If that is the case why can’t he go to both?
4) I read the previous posts and have concluded you didn’t really have a “dilemma” — you had already decided to support your kid doing this at the expense of his relationship with his father and were looking for validation. You know full well attending the wedding is the right thing to do. His entire future doesn’t hinge on hulk tho participation in a hypothetical national championship appearance.

I get it... you don’t understand this world, it’s foreign to you. Even when explained it does not fit into your non elite experience.

1) yes many sports qualify months before the event.
3) yes dc schools recruit all over the nation or maybe they are looking at aboarding school.
4) I never once thought going to a 2nd wedding that was selfishly planned on an important conflicting date was important. Who does that? So weird. You don’t know how important it is. This could put him on s path for greater things.

Honey. I told you already that I am a coach of an elite softball team that sends players to D1 programs that you can watch play on SEC Network in February. I know how this works.

Your priorities are whack. You are talking about a tween. 99.5% likelihood he isn’t getting a scholarship to anything. That’s they way this works.

The order is: Family, school, God, your sport. In that order.

You are wrong. If he were my player I would tell him to go to the wedding. You are clearly trying to justify keeping away from his father. Shame on you.

Girls sports are totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"The order is: Family, school, God, your sport. In that order. "

That should be the order for Dad and soon to be step mom too. Unfortunately, they don't seem to consider the child, otherwise they would not have scheduled an event to place him in a position where all of these things come into conflict. They could have picked a different weekend; the kid can't. This is on them. No child should be forced to make a choice like this when it is entirely avoidable.

It sounds like there isn’t very good communication between parents. But it is not “on them” to clear schedules with a child before setting their wedding date. That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard.

This is an elaborate excuse by OP to withhold his son from him when he remarries.

Our order is God, others, self

So the dad is not living by our motto.

Adults are required to model this for kids.

Father’s need to stay involved to know their kids schedule.

I hope his mom chooses the championship over the wedding. That would make my day.

Good thing it isn’t the mom’s choice to make.

But nice to know you think everything is about you.

Were you born a raging narcissist or did DC make you this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to clarify something — the event has only been scheduled, correct? This boy’s team hasn’t qualified to participate yet? Has the season even begun?

So many things could happen: The team may not qualify, or get knocked out in early playoff rounds. Or kid might get injured. Or not make the team for whatever reason (including having an obnoxious mother).

But the wedding date is set, right?

So you are pitching a fit over a hypothetical scenario where your kids’ team wins a national championship and gets recruited to a division 1 feeder high school?

Why would high school coaches from your town be scouting a national championship? Is the event held here? If it is, can’t he do both? You couldn’t possibly know game times yet.

None of this makes much sense and adds up to Mom trying to keep son from Dad.

1. What you’re seeking to clarify has already been clarified in previous posts.
2. DS already qualified for nationals.
3. Every sport is different. And yes, private schools and some clubs do offer admission/scholarships based of performances at nationally recognized competitions.
4. Read the previous posts.

1) No it isn’t. Has the team’s season even begun? What sport is this exactly?
2) I realize he has qualified due to his age. Beyond that, there couldn’t be any individual qualifications.
3) That wasn’t the question. The question is why would high schools from your town (DC?) be recruiting at an out-of-Town national championship? Or is the championship in your town/DC? If that is the case why can’t he go to both?
4) I read the previous posts and have concluded you didn’t really have a “dilemma” — you had already decided to support your kid doing this at the expense of his relationship with his father and were looking for validation. You know full well attending the wedding is the right thing to do. His entire future doesn’t hinge on hulk tho participation in a hypothetical national championship appearance.

I get it... you don’t understand this world, it’s foreign to you. Even when explained it does not fit into your non elite experience.

1) yes many sports qualify months before the event.
3) yes dc schools recruit all over the nation or maybe they are looking at aboarding school.
4) I never once thought going to a 2nd wedding that was selfishly planned on an important conflicting date was important. Who does that? So weird. You don’t know how important it is. This could put him on s path for greater things.

Honey. I told you already that I am a coach of an elite softball team that sends players to D1 programs that you can watch play on SEC Network in February. I know how this works.

Your priorities are whack. You are talking about a tween. 99.5% likelihood he isn’t getting a scholarship to anything. That’s they way this works.

The order is: Family, school, God, your sport. In that order.

You are wrong. If he were my player I would tell him to go to the wedding. You are clearly trying to justify keeping away from his father. Shame on you.

Girls sports are totally different.

Not really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

The balance of power in this conversation is unequal. No amount of support, coaching and role-playing will put a child on an equal footing with an adult, when it comes to winning an argument or manipulating it. An adult can talk circles around a child and leave the child feeling like shit.

[Anonymous]

Support your son and let him go to the championship. His dad has already expressed that his son is second to his new wife. Listen when people tell you who they are.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t they move the wedding date? It’s not fixed in stone. They are really sending DC the message that he is unimportant. And why does your ex want to make his own son feel resentful from the get-go of the new marriage? OP, do you have a brother or a mutual friend who could talk to your ex on behalf of your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

No, it’s not. If your kid is such a phenom he will be recruited regardless of whether he plays in this event.

This is completely untrue. I know many D1 athletes and have many in my family.

Non athletic families will never understand its athletes.

It is kind of a big deal no matter if there are other national championships. Middle school years aren't that early for athletes as some are recruited early in their H.S. years.

In addition, dad has missed 20+ dates and now wants son to be all in for his wedding? Ex wife definitely doesn't sound like a bitch. You sound irrational and self centered.

A “national championship” for 12 year olds isn’t a big deal. Get a grip.

You sound very unathletic.

You don’t know how important it is for an athlete to go to the right HS.

Also a national championship on a college app is a hook.

You sound very superficial.

You don’t know how important it is for a child to attend a major family event like his father’s wedding.

Also, attending a father’s wedding is a hook. Dad will be in his life a lot longer than high school and college. And I am sure the new wife is younger and prettier than Mom, so she will be around after Mom dies. It would prudent to focus on these relationships rather than inconsequential things like silly “national championships” for 10 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé probably got date of sports event and THEN set same for wedding! 1000% go with your son and do NOT let him miss events. Who cares about fiancé? You son is your priority. Announce NOW that he will not be at wedding. Take pressure off your son to refuse wedding. Support son, this is an investment in his future and he will love you forever for standing by him. Go for it Mom!

Op, ideally this is how I truly feel. Reality has it that I also have to consider the backlash in court if they choose to take it that far. Technically, it’s Dads visitation weekend. He’s missed so many over the last two years , but I could see him pulling a technicality if need be (he’s tried it before).

The chances of court doing anything at all about it are very slim. What do you think is going to happen? They will wag a finger and say, mom! observe the visitation schedule! And you will nod your head and say, ok. bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

Sorry, but I agree.