Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t they move the wedding date? It’s not fixed in stone. They are really sending DC the message that he is unimportant. And why does your ex want to make his own son feel resentful from the get-go of the new marriage? OP, do you have a brother or a mutual friend who could talk to your ex on behalf of your son?

I can think of two reasons:

1) Child isn’t center of universe. His participation in national championship is only hypothetical at this point anyway.
2) Mom would find some conflict with whatever other date they chose.

It sounds to me like this sport has already driven a wedge into son’s relationship with father at mom’s urging. I know these types of moms who live vicariously through their kid and put a lot of pressure on them. It’s far more likely kid drops out of sport in a couple of years than goes to university on an athletic scholarship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is what, maybe 13? If he’s that good, there will be future national championship opportunities.

And other weddings!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

So what is she has contempt for his new wife. It sounds like it is well deserved if she doesn't encourage her fiance to invest in his child. She is an adult and should not be marrying a man with a son if she can't be a 100% supportive.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

Sorry, but I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support your son and let him go to the championship. His dad has already expressed that his son is second to his new wife. Listen when people tell you who they are.

Or, more likely, Mom has forced this sport as a wedge in child’s relationship with Dad.

[Anonymous]

So, did your 10 year old really know the date of the national championship?? It really sounds more like you told him the dates in order to create drama for your ex and his fiancé.

[Anonymous]

Family first. Son is family in the way an ex-husband isn't, so son goes to his championship. Where he wants to be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Support your son and let him go to the championship. His dad has already expressed that his son is second to his new wife. Listen when people tell you who they are.

Or, more likely, Mom has forced this sport as a wedge in child’s relationship with Dad.

Look a bitter second wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t they move the wedding date? It’s not fixed in stone. They are really sending DC the message that he is unimportant. And why does your ex want to make his own son feel resentful from the get-go of the new marriage? OP, do you have a brother or a mutual friend who could talk to your ex on behalf of your son?

I can think of two reasons:

1) Child isn’t center of universe. His participation in national championship is only hypothetical at this point anyway.
2) Mom would find some conflict with whatever other date they chose.

It sounds to me like this sport has already driven a wedge into son’s relationship with father at mom’s urging. I know these types of moms who live vicariously through their kid and put a lot of pressure on them. It’s far more likely kid drops out of sport in a couple of years than goes to university on an athletic scholarship.

Every college app asks if you have any national recognition’s. Nobody cares about a second wedding. National championship is very Important

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, tread carefully. It is clear from your posts that you are bitter and don't like your Ex or his soon to be wife. Don't underestimate how this impacts your son's relationship with his father.

I was an elite athlete in a sport that has important national level competitions for children your son's age. My first thought is that for boys, national level competition at this age is not ultimately that important, because you really don't know how they are going to develop physically. It stinks that your ex isn't invested in your son's sport, but if your kid is good, there will be next year. When you are in the thick of it, it is hard to see this. I'd make him do the wedding. It isn't worth the estrangement from his father.

OP here, let’s be clear.

1. DS’s father has been a no show repeatedly for over two years. Even to events where Ex’s own family showed up.
2. I don’t know his fiancé to like or dislike her. Neither does my son.
3. DS’s father completely checked out during DS’s middle school years.
4. Not certain if your personal athletic experience applies here. My kid has an immediate opportunity to get the next four years of high school tuition paid for in full at one of several amazingly competitive schools. And he has the grades to match. It’s kind of a big deal.

I don't know how all this is even a question. Your son cares about his sport and wants to go. He gets to go! If dad is as checked out as you say, your son's role at his wedding will be little more than a monkey in a suit, a photo prop.

[Anonymous]

Is the deadbeat dad local and is the wedding local, or is the child expected to travel?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I want to clarify something — the event has only been scheduled, correct? This boy’s team hasn’t qualified to participate yet? Has the season even begun?

So many things could happen: The team may not qualify, or get knocked out in early playoff rounds. Or kid might get injured. Or not make the team for whatever reason (including having an obnoxious mother).

But the wedding date is set, right?

So you are pitching a fit over a hypothetical scenario where your kids’ team wins a national championship and gets recruited to a division 1 feeder high school?

Why would high school coaches from your town be scouting a national championship? Is the event held here? If it is, can’t he do both? You couldn’t possibly know game times yet.

None of this makes much sense and adds up to Mom trying to keep son from Dad.

1. What you’re seeking to clarify has already been clarified in previous posts.
2. DS already qualified for nationals.
3. Every sport is different. And yes, private schools and some clubs do offer admission/scholarships based of performances at nationally recognized competitions.
4. Read the previous posts.

1) No it isn’t. Has the team’s season even begun? What sport is this exactly?
2) I realize he has qualified due to his age. Beyond that, there couldn’t be any individual qualifications.
3) That wasn’t the question. The question is why would high schools from your town (DC?) be recruiting at an out-of-Town national championship? Or is the championship in your town/DC? If that is the case why can’t he go to both?
4) I read the previous posts and have concluded you didn’t really have a “dilemma” — you had already decided to support your kid doing this at the expense of his relationship with his father and were looking for validation. You know full well attending the wedding is the right thing to do. His entire future doesn’t hinge on hulk tho participation in a hypothetical national championship appearance.

I get it... you don’t understand this world, it’s foreign to you. Even when explained it does not fit into your non elite experience.

1) yes many sports qualify months before the event.
3) yes dc schools recruit all over the nation or maybe they are looking at aboarding school.
4) I never once thought going to a 2nd wedding that was selfishly planned on an important conflicting date was important. Who does that? So weird. You don’t know how important it is. This could put him on s path for greater things.

Honey. I told you already that I am a coach of an elite softball team that sends players to D1 programs that you can watch play on SEC Network in February. I know how this works.

Your priorities are whack. You are talking about a tween. 99.5% likelihood he isn’t getting a scholarship to anything. That’s they way this works.

The order is: Family, school, God, your sport. In that order.

You are wrong. If he were my player I would tell him to go to the wedding. You are clearly trying to justify keeping away from his father. Shame on you.

Girls sports are totally different.

Not really.

So what is the salary for professional girls softball these days

[Anonymous]

Regardless of contempt for the new wife or not, the kid doesn't want to go. This is a 2nd wedding with a dad that has cut support.

The dad has signaled his priorities already by choosing the date in spite of his child's wishes. I support the child. Let him play.

[Anonymous]

Nothing is more cringe-y than a second wedding pretending to be a first (real) wedding.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...

Yes the team is counting on him. Well known recruiters (some of which have already contacted his coach) will be there and have expressed interest in offering scholarships to their HSvprograms/schools. While we are not super wealthy, we won’t qualify for need based financial aid for these elite schools/programs.

It’s kind of a big deal.

No, it’s not. If your kid is such a phenom he will be recruited regardless of whether he plays in this event.

This is completely untrue. I know many D1 athletes and have many in my family.

Non athletic families will never understand its athletes.

It is kind of a big deal no matter if there are other national championships. Middle school years aren't that early for athletes as some are recruited early in their H.S. years.

In addition, dad has missed 20+ dates and now wants son to be all in for his wedding? Ex wife definitely doesn't sound like a bitch. You sound irrational and self centered.

A “national championship” for 12 year olds isn’t a big deal. Get a grip.

You sound very unathletic.

You don’t know how important it is for an athlete to go to the right HS.

Also a national championship on a college app is a hook.

You sound very superficial.

You don’t know how important it is for a child to attend a major family event like his father’s wedding.

Also, attending a father’s wedding is a hook. Dad will be in his life a lot longer than high school and college. And I am sure the new wife is younger and prettier than Mom, so she will be around after Mom dies. It would prudent to focus on these relationships rather than inconsequential things like silly “national championships” for 10 year olds.

2nd Weddings are the definition of superficial

I get it you’re not athletic you don’t understand elite athletes. You don’t understand that this helps with hs admissions, it helps with college admissions,

The new wife might not even make it five years. Second marriages are notoriously doomed for divorce.

College apps as if you have any national recognition this is something he can put on his color app that most people don’t have < one percent of the nation have national recognition’s

Let me guess you had your wedding planned ever since you were 10 years old.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

Repeating this trite, one size fits all mantra just demonstrates that in this particular situation, you cant come up with a considered argument as to why the son should be forced to go to the wedding.

Forced?!?! It’s the right thing to do. He is 11 or 12, right? Yes, 11 and 12 year olds are sometimes made to do things they may not want to do. This is called parenting.

Parenting is supporting a child’s passion over your own selfish wants.

No, parenting is about teaching doing the right thing, not being overly indulgent. She has been supporting his passion — this is one event where a family event trumps a stupid and meaningless sports tournament.

A 2nd wedding is stupid and meaningless and the most indulgent thing our society does.

For athletes championships are hard work and dedication not indulgent in any way, shape or form.

This is the bottom line, OP and MANY others on this board have an issue with thier ex husband remarrying. You need to get help and move on, stop using your kids as leverage.