SAHMs, how did you decide when or if to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

This is exactly it. SAHMs never understand this because they either a) left the workforce when they were too junior to have flexibility/seniority/etc or b) listen to their workaholic husbands who never step away from their desks.

Eh- I was in sales before, left at 31 to raise my kids for a decade and am killing it in sales again at 44. I work from home. It may not be the norm but it’s my reality. I will clear over $360k this year.

Not even close to the norm, which you know.

I also don't understand these questions. Of course work is not enjoyable 100% of the time. I'm guessing your marriages aren't, your children aren't, your friendships aren't, etc. There is a VAST difference between cleaning toilets and McDonalds and having a job that is intellectually stimulating, makes the world better, allows equity in your marriage, allows you to use your education and set a good example for your children, etc. Like others here, I don't 'have' to work, but I enjoy it. I also don't expect it to be all butterflies and rainbows because.... life. I can't imagine sitting on my butt while my husband worked to provide. It blows my mind that people think that's any way to live (once kids are in school, that is.)

Why? It's not like their husbands care. Why should you?

I think the issue for these rich SAHMs is their lives are mostly butterflies and rainbows and the prospect of going back to work...isn't.

I'm not one of them btw but I'd love to say my daily life consists of reading, working out, watching tv, hanging with my kids and friends, like a PP mentioned. I mean, throw in some more hobbies and maybe volunteer activities and who wouldn't prefer that?

As far as jobs go, mine isn't bad (lawyer) but if I didn't need the money, I'd quit in a second.

How do you know their husbands don't care? Most SAHMs I know are in marriages that are FAR from equitable (plenty on this site, too).

And why? because I'm not a child. I'm not a dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of loling at this person asking about jobs in here.

Most jobs are boring. Work is called work for a reason.

I worked on the HS yearbook staff back in the day and that is actually what made me enjoy working under the crunch of a deadline. I spent more than a few nights over the years working until 10 or 11:00 at night, at school, putting layouts together and writing copy and headlines. We had a certain number of pages due within a certain time frame and they had to get done. It was actually quite a bit of work back then to get a page done. Now things are a lot more automated. At any rate, it instilled that energy in me to get things done under tight deadlines.

Looking back at those teachers who served as our sponsors....wow. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what the working moms are not getting is that the rich SAHMs don't want to go back to work if it's going to be boring or annoying. So no retail work. No entitled clients. No tedious paper work. What's the point of that?

What kinds of jobs are actually fun?

So far we have writing, design, and science.

I am a senior level manager in local government.

I don't know about "fun"? I find it rewarding, often intellectually stimulating. I enjoy coming to work every day. I'm part of creating a vision of where we're going and implementing it. I attend meetings, do a lot of writing, a fair amount of public speaking, brainstorming with colleagues, problem solving, etc. I get asked a lot to provide input and I give it, which feels good. I make decisions.

I don't understand these questions. I think some of you haven't had a job since you were pretty low-level? Jobs get a lot better when you move further along. Sure it's more responsibility, which has headaches. But yes, it's "fun" to develop an expertise in an area and then use it to move an organization forward and see the results.

I also find it so strange when these threads have people complaining about the drudgery of work. Most on DCUM are well educated - we are not doing the grunt work of retail, restaurant work, etc. or on the factor floor. I also have a high earning husband but I have a very flexible job that I find intellectually stimulating. No, not every task, but yes, I work on several projects throughout the year that I find interesting. I'm betting these same women throw themselves into things like PTA fundraising etc. (which I'm also involved in because I want to help but also parts of it are fun).

It's the same thing - if you HATED planning the event or managing the budget or whatever you wouldn't do it but clearly there are some people who like those things. I enjoy watching things come together, I can totally get lost in a spreadsheet sometimes whether it's work or something I'm doing in a volunteer capacity for my children's schools. It's the same reason I loved grad school. I just like having a goal, working to make it happen, and achieving it. It's no mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

This is exactly it. SAHMs never understand this because they either a) left the workforce when they were too junior to have flexibility/seniority/etc or b) listen to their workaholic husbands who never step away from their desks.

Eh- I was in sales before, left at 31 to raise my kids for a decade and am killing it in sales again at 44. I work from home. It may not be the norm but it’s my reality. I will clear over $360k this year.

Not even close to the norm, which you know.

I also don't understand these questions. Of course work is not enjoyable 100% of the time. I'm guessing your marriages aren't, your children aren't, your friendships aren't, etc. There is a VAST difference between cleaning toilets and McDonalds and having a job that is intellectually stimulating, makes the world better, allows equity in your marriage, allows you to use your education and set a good example for your children, etc. Like others here, I don't 'have' to work, but I enjoy it. I also don't expect it to be all butterflies and rainbows because.... life. I can't imagine sitting on my butt while my husband worked to provide. It blows my mind that people think that's any way to live (once kids are in school, that is.)

Why? It's not like their husbands care. Why should you?

I think the issue for these rich SAHMs is their lives are mostly butterflies and rainbows and the prospect of going back to work...isn't.

I'm not one of them btw but I'd love to say my daily life consists of reading, working out, watching tv, hanging with my kids and friends, like a PP mentioned. I mean, throw in some more hobbies and maybe volunteer activities and who wouldn't prefer that?

As far as jobs go, mine isn't bad (lawyer) but if I didn't need the money, I'd quit in a second.

Some people wouldn't prefer it. I wouldn't. I know myself. I'd get bored. I need more purpose and stimulation than the leisure life you're describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

This is exactly it. SAHMs never understand this because they either a) left the workforce when they were too junior to have flexibility/seniority/etc or b) listen to their workaholic husbands who never step away from their desks.

Eh- I was in sales before, left at 31 to raise my kids for a decade and am killing it in sales again at 44. I work from home. It may not be the norm but it’s my reality. I will clear over $360k this year.

Not even close to the norm, which you know.

I also don't understand these questions. Of course work is not enjoyable 100% of the time. I'm guessing your marriages aren't, your children aren't, your friendships aren't, etc. There is a VAST difference between cleaning toilets and McDonalds and having a job that is intellectually stimulating, makes the world better, allows equity in your marriage, allows you to use your education and set a good example for your children, etc. Like others here, I don't 'have' to work, but I enjoy it. I also don't expect it to be all butterflies and rainbows because.... life. I can't imagine sitting on my butt while my husband worked to provide. It blows my mind that people think that's any way to live (once kids are in school, that is.)

If I took an entry level office or retail job I would have very little flexibility in my schedule which would mean that dh would be on the hook to leave his demanding job to take a kid to the doctor or wait for the appliance repairman. If it makes sense for your family and you need more money - take the job and make more money. But if it would only add a level of unneeded stress to your lives continue to SAH. I have continually weighed the pros and cons of going back to work and thus far it has made more sense for me to SAH because it makes all of our lives easier.

Yes, and this circles back to the original point.

Once you've been out of the workforce, your options often are not great. You likely won't have flexibility and you won't make enough money to have the inconvenience be worth it. The job you get at re-entry probably will be pretty boring.

However, that does not mean working is inherently boring for everyone. Many women have great jobs. It simply means you can't stop working for 10 years and think you're going to come back into the workforce and immediately have a great work situation. So options at that point are - suck it up for a while and claw your way back or don't work again. There's no door #3 where you get to have all the things.

The poster who works at Pottery Barn is enjoying her job. Why not work at PB if that is what you enjoy doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[

Why? It's not like their husbands care. Why should you?

I think the issue for these rich SAHMs is their lives are mostly butterflies and rainbows and the prospect of going back to work...isn't.

I'm not one of them btw but I'd love to say my daily life consists of reading, working out, watching tv, hanging with my kids and friends, like a PP mentioned. I mean, throw in some more hobbies and maybe volunteer activities and who wouldn't prefer that?

As far as jobs go, mine isn't bad (lawyer) but if I didn't need the money, I'd quit in a second.

Some people wouldn't prefer it. I wouldn't. I know myself. I'd get bored. I need more purpose and stimulation than the leisure life you're describing.

Me too, PP.

[Anonymous]

Op, how would you rather spend your time?

I recommend you do something part time that keeps up your skills set and is flexible. In your situation, I would want to know that I had the ability to go back to work and earn money if I needed to. Like if dh dies or became an asshole or invested the money poorly. I’m independently wealthy but teach part time with the idea that I could go full time of I needed to. You never know - you guys could get sued and he could lose all the savings, etc. If you can’t find something flexible and part time that pays, try to find some volunteering work that uses your financial and accounting skills, as opposed to volunteering by running the bake sale or something. Or at least do fundraising - that could be a marketable skill if you ever needed a job.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to claw my way back into the rat race. That ship has sailed for me. I have not ruled out working at something less mentally taxing though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

Why? It's not like their husbands care. Why should you?

I think the issue for these rich SAHMs is their lives are mostly butterflies and rainbows and the prospect of going back to work...isn't.

I'm not one of them btw but I'd love to say my daily life consists of reading, working out, watching tv, hanging with my kids and friends, like a PP mentioned. I mean, throw in some more hobbies and maybe volunteer activities and who wouldn't prefer that?

As far as jobs go, mine isn't bad (lawyer) but if I didn't need the money, I'd quit in a second.

Some people wouldn't prefer it. I wouldn't. I know myself. I'd get bored. I need more purpose and stimulation than the leisure life you're describing.

Me too, PP.

You'll eventually want to retire. What will you do when you stop working? Pretty much all of the retired people I see are living a more relaxed lifestyle. You are no longer supporting a family so the need to bust your tail every day is just not there anymore. Everyone retires at some point, unless of course they don't make it to retirement. Don't kill yourself, know your limits and plan to slow down as you age. You just do - both mentally and physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

Why? It's not like their husbands care. Why should you?

I think the issue for these rich SAHMs is their lives are mostly butterflies and rainbows and the prospect of going back to work...isn't.

I'm not one of them btw but I'd love to say my daily life consists of reading, working out, watching tv, hanging with my kids and friends, like a PP mentioned. I mean, throw in some more hobbies and maybe volunteer activities and who wouldn't prefer that?

As far as jobs go, mine isn't bad (lawyer) but if I didn't need the money, I'd quit in a second.

Some people wouldn't prefer it. I wouldn't. I know myself. I'd get bored. I need more purpose and stimulation than the leisure life you're describing.

Me too, PP.

You'll eventually want to retire. What will you do when you stop working? Pretty much all of the retired people I see are living a more relaxed lifestyle. You are no longer supporting a family so the need to bust your tail every day is just not there anymore. Everyone retires at some point, unless of course they don't make it to retirement. Don't kill yourself, know your limits and plan to slow down as you age. You just do - both mentally and physically.



Studies are now showing that retirement leads to rapid mental and physical decline though. A lot of people want to keep working in some capacity well into their older years even if they've saved enough to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at the consensus that she not go back to work. What if they divorce, as DCUM loves to point out that possibility to everyone?

Exactly what I thought, but i'm of the opinion that most women (if not all) should work in some capacity. Even if you go back part-time, it'll give you a foot in the door for when you are ready to go back full time. The extra money and independent can only be a benefit, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what the working moms are not getting is that the rich SAHMs don't want to go back to work if it's going to be boring or annoying. So no retail work. No entitled clients. No tedious paper work. What's the point of that?

What kinds of jobs are actually fun?

So far we have writing, design, and science.

I am a senior level manager in local government.

I don't know about "fun"? I find it rewarding, often intellectually stimulating. I enjoy coming to work every day. I'm part of creating a vision of where we're going and implementing it. I attend meetings, do a lot of writing, a fair amount of public speaking, brainstorming with colleagues, problem solving, etc. I get asked a lot to provide input and I give it, which feels good. I make decisions.

I don't understand these questions. I think some of you haven't had a job since you were pretty low-level? Jobs get a lot better when you move further along. Sure it's more responsibility, which has headaches. But yes, it's "fun" to develop an expertise in an area and then use it to move an organization forward and see the results.

I also find it so strange when these threads have people complaining about the drudgery of work. Most on DCUM are well educated - we are not doing the grunt work of retail, restaurant work, etc. or on the factor floor. I also have a high earning husband but I have a very flexible job that I find intellectually stimulating. No, not every task, but yes, I work on several projects throughout the year that I find interesting. I'm betting these same women throw themselves into things like PTA fundraising etc. (which I'm also involved in because I want to help but also parts of it are fun).

It's the same thing - if you HATED planning the event or managing the budget or whatever you wouldn't do it but clearly there are some people who like those things. I enjoy watching things come together, I can totally get lost in a spreadsheet sometimes whether it's work or something I'm doing in a volunteer capacity for my children's schools. It's the same reason I loved grad school. I just like having a goal, working to make it happen, and achieving it. It's no mystery.

I hate spreadsheets, I hate admin work, I hate planning events, I hate fundraising, and I hate managing projects. I wouldn’t do those things unless I was really hard up for money but thank god I am not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what the working moms are not getting is that the rich SAHMs don't want to go back to work if it's going to be boring or annoying. So no retail work. No entitled clients. No tedious paper work. What's the point of that?

What kinds of jobs are actually fun?

So far we have writing, design, and science.

I am a senior level manager in local government.

I don't know about "fun"? I find it rewarding, often intellectually stimulating. I enjoy coming to work every day. I'm part of creating a vision of where we're going and implementing it. I attend meetings, do a lot of writing, a fair amount of public speaking, brainstorming with colleagues, problem solving, etc. I get asked a lot to provide input and I give it, which feels good. I make decisions.

I don't understand these questions. I think some of you haven't had a job since you were pretty low-level? Jobs get a lot better when you move further along. Sure it's more responsibility, which has headaches. But yes, it's "fun" to develop an expertise in an area and then use it to move an organization forward and see the results.

I also find it so strange when these threads have people complaining about the drudgery of work. Most on DCUM are well educated - we are not doing the grunt work of retail, restaurant work, etc. or on the factor floor. I also have a high earning husband but I have a very flexible job that I find intellectually stimulating. No, not every task, but yes, I work on several projects throughout the year that I find interesting. I'm betting these same women throw themselves into things like PTA fundraising etc. (which I'm also involved in because I want to help but also parts of it are fun).

It's the same thing - if you HATED planning the event or managing the budget or whatever you wouldn't do it but clearly there are some people who like those things. I enjoy watching things come together, I can totally get lost in a spreadsheet sometimes whether it's work or something I'm doing in a volunteer capacity for my children's schools. It's the same reason I loved grad school. I just like having a goal, working to make it happen, and achieving it. It's no mystery.

A lot of work is drudgery though. I like my job a lot of the time but not the endless reports and meetings! My god if I could do away with those things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went back to full time work this year, kids are 11 and 9. I didn’t need to financially, just thought it would Be nice to have something for myself, have something to do other than volunteer, exercise and watch tv. I worked part time previously and thought it made sense to go back to full time work

Here’s what happened. Work sucks. My co workers are lame, there is no flexibility. I am punishing myself with this stupid job for no reason. Almost a year in and I’m counting the days until I can quit. Literally.

Maybe there is some magic job out there where it’s more value add than value take, but this one isn’t it.

This is what the worry about. Work has always sucked ime

+1, that's how I remember it which is why I'm in no hurry to go back.

The thing is if you stay in the workforce you EARN flexibility, you build up vacation time, you work your way up and have work to do that you enjoy (whatever that means to you...the substance of the work, more or less responsibility, etc.), you build relationships and gravitate to co-workers you enjoy, you contribute something of value and are seen as someone who brings value which circles back to earning flexibility.

But no, you're not going to come back to the workforce after 5-10+ years out and step into a great situation. Which is why I'd think twice about quitting in the first place.

I think it's short sighted

Ding ding ding

This is exactly it. SAHMs never understand this because they either a) left the workforce when they were too junior to have flexibility/seniority/etc or b) listen to their workaholic husbands who never step away from their desks.

Eh- I was in sales before, left at 31 to raise my kids for a decade and am killing it in sales again at 44. I work from home. It may not be the norm but it’s my reality. I will clear over $360k this year.

Wow, that's awesome! Good for you! What kind of sales if you don't mind me asking?

Yeah, please share this industry where we can return to work. I'm very personable and friendly, good with numbers, and have a technical background -- this would be a great place to return to work without having to return to an office setting all the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

Why? It's not like their husbands care. Why should you?

I think the issue for these rich SAHMs is their lives are mostly butterflies and rainbows and the prospect of going back to work...isn't.

I'm not one of them btw but I'd love to say my daily life consists of reading, working out, watching tv, hanging with my kids and friends, like a PP mentioned. I mean, throw in some more hobbies and maybe volunteer activities and who wouldn't prefer that?

As far as jobs go, mine isn't bad (lawyer) but if I didn't need the money, I'd quit in a second.

Some people wouldn't prefer it. I wouldn't. I know myself. I'd get bored. I need more purpose and stimulation than the leisure life you're describing.

Me too, PP.

You'll eventually want to retire. What will you do when you stop working? Pretty much all of the retired people I see are living a more relaxed lifestyle. You are no longer supporting a family so the need to bust your tail every day is just not there anymore. Everyone retires at some point, unless of course they don't make it to retirement. Don't kill yourself, know your limits and plan to slow down as you age. You just do - both mentally and physically.

Studies are now showing that retirement leads to rapid mental and physical decline though. A lot of people want to keep working in some capacity well into their older years even if they've saved enough to stop.

Sure, but they are generally not killing themselves in stressful jobs. They find themselves something that is fun and interesting to do. Some of the older folks you see working retail probably have more money in the bank than you do.