Wife is interested in opening up our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again

Wow this blew up, thanks to those of you who offered support and solid advice. I had to revisit the conversation with my wife since it’s definitely not a topic to be left unresolved. She tried to ask about opening up the marriage to women only (she’s “bi” I guess) but again, I have no interest in sharing with other men OR women. Why is it so hard to understand? Anyway, I made my position clear and she said she would drop it. Of course now I feel like an asshole when I didn’t even do anything wrong and on top of that I will forever be wondering if she’s unhappy or just eventually cheats on me.

I wouldn’t wish this bullshit on my worst enemy. My once secure, happy marriage feels like it’s in jeopardy now. Hopefully I can learn to let it go and she really does drop it for good.

OP, you didn't do anything wrong. Neither did your wife. She found out that she has sexual desires that aren't being met and she asked you for a different arrangement to work that out. You said "No." That's your right. She'll decide whether to live with it or not. That's her right. When there is some basic sexual incompatibility in the marriage, then somebody has to make a sacrifice.

Best of luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again

Wow this blew up, thanks to those of you who offered support and solid advice. I had to revisit the conversation with my wife since it’s definitely not a topic to be left unresolved. She tried to ask about opening up the marriage to women only (she’s “bi” I guess) but again, I have no interest in sharing with other men OR women. Why is it so hard to understand? Anyway, I made my position clear and she said she would drop it. Of course now I feel like an asshole when I didn’t even do anything wrong and on top of that I will forever be wondering if she’s unhappy or just eventually cheats on me.

I wouldn’t wish this bullshit on my worst enemy. My once secure, happy marriage feels like it’s in jeopardy now. Hopefully I can learn to let it go and she really does drop it for good.

So you’re feeling a little insecure. Sounds like she’s been feeling unfulfilled for a long while and will continue to feel that way. It’s almost like you’re even now.

So what *should* OP have done? Consented, even if it would leave him unhappy and unfulfilled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the monogamy for life side isn't seeing here is that people can change. While I THOUGHT my husband was good for monogamy for life, it turns out at 42 he started rethinking ... and he brought it up to me to discuss.

This is NOT a breach of contract. It is negotiations. If both parties agree, you change and grow. A marriage can be whatever you want it to be!!!

And if both don't? As is the case here?

Then the person who wants to change the agreement bears the responsibility.

Simple.

Nothing about marriage is simple. If the person who wants the change isn't happy and the other person refuses to change, then they are headed for divorce. OP is the only who can decide whether he'd rather be divorced than grant his consent to his wife having sex with other people. Some people think a shared life, child raising, shared finances, and history is worth enough that monogamy can be sacrificed to maintain it.

[Anonymous]

PP, I don’t think asking my wife to be monogamous is an outrageous thing to ask. We have plenty of sex, and it’s not like we’re having missionary every night. I do indulge her fantasies that don’t involve other people.

[Anonymous]

OP, she acted honestly and ethically in bringing this up with you. In a healthy marriage with open communication, this is not the kind of thing that should stay bottled up. You declined and she has respected that. She has done nothing wrong by merely broaching the subject and opening the lines of communication. She probably thought there was a chance you would be willing to consider it. From your account, she has not pressured you or acted behind your back. She has done nothing wrong to you by having an honest, responsible, mature conversation about a difficult subject.

The issues you have with the impact on your relationship of her simply bringing up the conversation are your issues to deal with, they're your feelings about this. I suggest that if you want to get through this, you talk to a counselor, individually, and probably also discuss it with her with the facilitation of a couples' counselor because you seem to be holding her responsible for wrongs that she has not really committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she acted honestly and ethically in bringing this up with you. In a healthy marriage with open communication, this is not the kind of thing that should stay bottled up. You declined and she has respected that. She has done nothing wrong by merely broaching the subject and opening the lines of communication. She probably thought there was a chance you would be willing to consider it. From your account, she has not pressured you or acted behind your back. She has done nothing wrong to you by having an honest, responsible, mature conversation about a difficult subject.

The issues you have with the impact on your relationship of her simply bringing up the conversation are your issues to deal with, they're your feelings about this. I suggest that if you want to get through this, you talk to a counselor, individually, and probably also discuss it with her with the facilitation of a couples' counselor because you seem to be holding her responsible for wrongs that she has not really committed.

Complete hogwash and borderline gaslighting.

His wife's inconstancy and lack of consideration created this situation. He has every right to be upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the monogamy for life side isn't seeing here is that people can change. While I THOUGHT my husband was good for monogamy for life, it turns out at 42 he started rethinking ... and he brought it up to me to discuss.

This is NOT a breach of contract. It is negotiations. If both parties agree, you change and grow. A marriage can be whatever you want it to be!!!

And if both don't? As is the case here?

Then the person who wants to change the agreement bears the responsibility.

Simple.

Nothing about marriage is simple. If the person who wants the change isn't happy and the other person refuses to change, then they are headed for divorce. OP is the only who can decide whether he'd rather be divorced than grant his consent to his wife having sex with other people. Some people think a shared life, child raising, shared finances, and history is worth enough that monogamy can be sacrificed to maintain it.

Non-responsive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she acted honestly and ethically in bringing this up with you. In a healthy marriage with open communication, this is not the kind of thing that should stay bottled up. You declined and she has respected that. She has done nothing wrong by merely broaching the subject and opening the lines of communication. She probably thought there was a chance you would be willing to consider it. From your account, she has not pressured you or acted behind your back. She has done nothing wrong to you by having an honest, responsible, mature conversation about a difficult subject.

The issues you have with the impact on your relationship of her simply bringing up the conversation are your issues to deal with, they're your feelings about this. I suggest that if you want to get through this, you talk to a counselor, individually, and probably also discuss it with her with the facilitation of a couples' counselor because you seem to be holding her responsible for wrongs that she has not really committed.

Complete hogwash and borderline gaslighting.

His wife's inconstancy and lack of consideration created this situation. He has every right to be upset.

So...she should have just cheated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again

Wow this blew up, thanks to those of you who offered support and solid advice. I had to revisit the conversation with my wife since it’s definitely not a topic to be left unresolved. She tried to ask about opening up the marriage to women only (she’s “bi” I guess) but again, I have no interest in sharing with other men OR women. Why is it so hard to understand? Anyway, I made my position clear and she said she would drop it. Of course now I feel like an asshole when I didn’t even do anything wrong and on top of that I will forever be wondering if she’s unhappy or just eventually cheats on me.

I wouldn’t wish this bullshit on my worst enemy. My once secure, happy marriage feels like it’s in jeopardy now. Hopefully I can learn to let it go and she really does drop it for good.

So you’re feeling a little insecure. Sounds like she’s been feeling unfulfilled for a long while and will continue to feel that way. It’s almost like you’re even now.

So what *should* OP have done? Consented, even if it would leave him unhappy and unfulfilled?

No. I’m just pointing out that he’s not the only one unhappy. He’s making it seem like she’s taking away the fulfilling feeling his marriage gave him, but really he hasn’t been giving it to her either. He can try to be more exciting in the bedroom and consider pushing some of his boundaries, or he can dig in and wallow in his insecurity. He shouldn’t punish her for sharing her truth though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she acted honestly and ethically in bringing this up with you. In a healthy marriage with open communication, this is not the kind of thing that should stay bottled up. You declined and she has respected that. She has done nothing wrong by merely broaching the subject and opening the lines of communication. She probably thought there was a chance you would be willing to consider it. From your account, she has not pressured you or acted behind your back. She has done nothing wrong to you by having an honest, responsible, mature conversation about a difficult subject.

The issues you have with the impact on your relationship of her simply bringing up the conversation are your issues to deal with, they're your feelings about this. I suggest that if you want to get through this, you talk to a counselor, individually, and probably also discuss it with her with the facilitation of a couples' counselor because you seem to be holding her responsible for wrongs that she has not really committed.

Complete hogwash and borderline gaslighting.

His wife's inconstancy and lack of consideration created this situation. He has every right to be upset.

Plus 10,000

I support the husband and the husband's feelings

[Anonymous]

Sadly it is part of our culture nowadays. It is all about
"me, me, me" without any thought to the original partner.

It is the hipster thing to have multiple partners in marriage
and multiple partners in monogamy. Even writing the former sentence is weird.

"Gee, I'm bored in my marriage of 20 years so of course
it is okay for me to have affairs." This should not
bother my monogamous partner.

Those who don't support that multiple partners in monogamy are okay are dismissed as "ignorant".

Ultimately it is a degradation of values in our western
society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she acted honestly and ethically in bringing this up with you. In a healthy marriage with open communication, this is not the kind of thing that should stay bottled up. You declined and she has respected that. She has done nothing wrong by merely broaching the subject and opening the lines of communication. She probably thought there was a chance you would be willing to consider it. From your account, she has not pressured you or acted behind your back. She has done nothing wrong to you by having an honest, responsible, mature conversation about a difficult subject.

The issues you have with the impact on your relationship of her simply bringing up the conversation are your issues to deal with, they're your feelings about this. I suggest that if you want to get through this, you talk to a counselor, individually, and probably also discuss it with her with the facilitation of a couples' counselor because you seem to be holding her responsible for wrongs that she has not really committed.

Complete hogwash and borderline gaslighting.

His wife's inconstancy and lack of consideration created this situation. He has every right to be upset.

So...she should have just cheated?

I guess if she really wants to be with women she should get a divorce.

Why should a spouse be ok with other spouse coming to them and saying they want an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again

Wow this blew up, thanks to those of you who offered support and solid advice. I had to revisit the conversation with my wife since it’s definitely not a topic to be left unresolved. She tried to ask about opening up the marriage to women only (she’s “bi” I guess) but again, I have no interest in sharing with other men OR women. Why is it so hard to understand? Anyway, I made my position clear and she said she would drop it. Of course now I feel like an asshole when I didn’t even do anything wrong and on top of that I will forever be wondering if she’s unhappy or just eventually cheats on me.

I wouldn’t wish this bullshit on my worst enemy. My once secure, happy marriage feels like it’s in jeopardy now. Hopefully I can learn to let it go and she really does drop it for good.

So you’re feeling a little insecure. Sounds like she’s been feeling unfulfilled for a long while and will continue to feel that way. It’s almost like you’re even now.

So what *should* OP have done? Consented, even if it would leave him unhappy and unfulfilled?

No. I’m just pointing out that he’s not the only one unhappy. He’s making it seem like she’s taking away the fulfilling feeling his marriage gave him, but really he hasn’t been giving it to her either. He can try to be more exciting in the bedroom and consider pushing some of his boundaries, or he can dig in and wallow in his insecurity. He shouldn’t punish her for sharing her truth though.

Yes, his feelings are his feelings. The husband should not feel hurt that his wife came to him and told him she wants an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she acted honestly and ethically in bringing this up with you. In a healthy marriage with open communication, this is not the kind of thing that should stay bottled up. You declined and she has respected that. She has done nothing wrong by merely broaching the subject and opening the lines of communication. She probably thought there was a chance you would be willing to consider it. From your account, she has not pressured you or acted behind your back. She has done nothing wrong to you by having an honest, responsible, mature conversation about a difficult subject.

The issues you have with the impact on your relationship of her simply bringing up the conversation are your issues to deal with, they're your feelings about this. I suggest that if you want to get through this, you talk to a counselor, individually, and probably also discuss it with her with the facilitation of a couples' counselor because you seem to be holding her responsible for wrongs that she has not really committed.

if OP was a woman, you would never post such utter BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again

Wow this blew up, thanks to those of you who offered support and solid advice. I had to revisit the conversation with my wife since it’s definitely not a topic to be left unresolved. She tried to ask about opening up the marriage to women only (she’s “bi” I guess) but again, I have no interest in sharing with other men OR women. Why is it so hard to understand? Anyway, I made my position clear and she said she would drop it. Of course now I feel like an asshole when I didn’t even do anything wrong and on top of that I will forever be wondering if she’s unhappy or just eventually cheats on me.

I wouldn’t wish this bullshit on my worst enemy. My once secure, happy marriage feels like it’s in jeopardy now. Hopefully I can learn to let it go and she really does drop it for good.

So you’re feeling a little insecure. Sounds like she’s been feeling unfulfilled for a long while and will continue to feel that way. It’s almost like you’re even now.

So what *should* OP have done? Consented, even if it would leave him unhappy and unfulfilled?

No. I’m just pointing out that he’s not the only one unhappy. He’s making it seem like she’s taking away the fulfilling feeling his marriage gave him, but really he hasn’t been giving it to her either. He can try to be more exciting in the bedroom and consider pushing some of his boundaries, or he can dig in and wallow in his insecurity. He shouldn’t punish her for sharing her truth though.

exactly how is she being punished? would you say the same thing if a woman came on here and said her husband only want to open the marriage b/c he's unfulfilled sexually b/c he like women of a different race? or if the husband said he was bi-? don't think so.