Wife is interested in opening up our marriage.

[Anonymous]

For context we are in our early/mid 30s with elementary school aged children, married 10 years.

The other evening my wife and I got to discussing what she calls “ethical non-monogamy.” We have some close friends who have an open marriage, and my wife has always been fascinated by it. Personally, it is not for me. I really don’t understand open marriage at all. What is the point? I’m having a hard time understanding why she would even bring this up as an option for us. I feel like I can’t even trust her anymore. It suddenly feels like I am not enough and I feel insecure now. I wish she had never even brought it up. Has anyone dealt with this before?

[Anonymous]

What this always means: she's already banging some other guy and wants you to give her your approval to do so. Sorry, man.

[Anonymous]

OP here

I thought so to so I checked our phone records and went through her texts, e-mails, and messages on facebook. Yeah, I know, it’s bad to snoop through your spouse’s stuff but she’s never given me cause before. I didn’t find anything other than her and her friend (the female of the couple we’re friends with) discussing open marriage. I read the whole conversation and she discussed a fear of lifelong monogamy and being bored. I was taken back by this because my wife and I have pretty freaky sex (anal, light bdsm, etc.) so why does she need “more?” I’ve learned she’s more wild then she let on when we first married at 22 and it’s been manageable for the most part, though I was a little weirded out the first time she asked me to choke her in bed. This just goes to far though:

[Anonymous]

Either she is already cheating and looking for a way to explain it OR she thought she should ask in case it was something you might be on board with, rather than just always wondering.

Assuming you haven't already made it clear, you need to make it clear that you aren't interested in an open marriage or in a non monogamous relationship. It is similar to her telling you she is bisexual. She is saying, I am attracted to and interested in sleeping with other people - the question is if she is willing to say - but I am prepared to completely forego that part of myself because I am in love with and committed to you and I want us more than I want to explore other parts of myself.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she is mentally (and maybe physically) out there already.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really don't understand this urge to sleep with someone other than your spouse? It's universal in men. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she isn't cheating but that she is risking things bringing it up is a big deal. Most people just chest when the urge becomes strong enough, your wife at least is doing the honest thing.

I would be thrilled to go this way with my wife but to each their own

[Anonymous]

She is cheating now or has already line someone up. You on the hand will have no option. You will become sooo bitter and rightly so. This should have been clear before the marriage.

[Anonymous]

It is much harder for men to find partners when they are married. Remember that if you choose to go this route. Get in shape now.

[Anonymous]

She might be a sex addict.

[Anonymous]

Agree she's likely already at least identified who she is going to bang. Is her friend hot? Maybe a swap is a good gateway to see if this is for you. Does she want to date or is it just sex? Occasional swinging can be fun and manageable. Otherwise she's going to have a ton of sex with any guy she wants and you, not so much.

[Anonymous]

She kept talking about polygamy or poly something but just hearing her talk about it made me more and more upset. It just sounded like she was trying to normalize an open marriage. Now I feel like we’re at this crossroads that I never wanted to be at.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't sound like a good partner. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is much harder for men to find partners when they are married. Remember that if you choose to go this route. Get in shape now.

It sounds like he hates everything about this. I don’t think he’s gotten to the point of accepting it, let alone trying to maximize the number of women he can sleep with.

I’m sorry. This sucks. All you can do is make it clear you’re not interested in an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with the pps who say she is cheating or is a sex addict. As a sexually adventurous couple who married young and has been married for a long time, monogamy can get boring and desire killing. It's a tough place to be if you are in completely different places about doing this. Maybe talk to a counselor together about how to move forward. I've seen non-monogamy save some marriages and tear others apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the pps who say she is cheating or is a sex addict. As a sexually adventurous couple who married young and has been married for a long time, monogamy can get boring and desire killing. It's a tough place to be if you are in completely different places about doing this. Maybe talk to a counselor together about how to move forward. I've seen non-monogamy save some marriages and tear others apart.

And to be clear, by "move forward" I don't mean open your marriage up, but rather come to a decision you both feel like you can live with.