Wife is interested in opening up our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she acted honestly and ethically in bringing this up with you. In a healthy marriage with open communication, this is not the kind of thing that should stay bottled up. You declined and she has respected that. She has done nothing wrong by merely broaching the subject and opening the lines of communication. She probably thought there was a chance you would be willing to consider it. From your account, she has not pressured you or acted behind your back. She has done nothing wrong to you by having an honest, responsible, mature conversation about a difficult subject.

The issues you have with the impact on your relationship of her simply bringing up the conversation are your issues to deal with, they're your feelings about this. I suggest that if you want to get through this, you talk to a counselor, individually, and probably also discuss it with her with the facilitation of a couples' counselor because you seem to be holding her responsible for wrongs that she has not really committed.

if OP was a woman, you would never post such utter BS.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again

Wow this blew up, thanks to those of you who offered support and solid advice. I had to revisit the conversation with my wife since it’s definitely not a topic to be left unresolved. She tried to ask about opening up the marriage to women only (she’s “bi” I guess) but again, I have no interest in sharing with other men OR women. Why is it so hard to understand? Anyway, I made my position clear and she said she would drop it. Of course now I feel like an asshole when I didn’t even do anything wrong and on top of that I will forever be wondering if she’s unhappy or just eventually cheats on me.

I wouldn’t wish this bullshit on my worst enemy. My once secure, happy marriage feels like it’s in jeopardy now. Hopefully I can learn to let it go and she really does drop it for good.

So you’re feeling a little insecure. Sounds like she’s been feeling unfulfilled for a long while and will continue to feel that way. It’s almost like you’re even now.

So what *should* OP have done? Consented, even if it would leave him unhappy and unfulfilled?

No. I’m just pointing out that he’s not the only one unhappy. He’s making it seem like she’s taking away the fulfilling feeling his marriage gave him, but really he hasn’t been giving it to her either. He can try to be more exciting in the bedroom and consider pushing some of his boundaries, or he can dig in and wallow in his insecurity. He shouldn’t punish her for sharing her truth though.

exactly how is she being punished? would you say the same thing if a woman came on here and said her husband only want to open the marriage b/c he's unfulfilled sexually b/c he like women of a different race? or if the husband said he was bi-? don't think so.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

So if a husband posted that he was attracted to another
woman or man at work and just wanted to try things
out the wife is expected to be ok with the conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if a husband posted that he was attracted to another
woman or man at work and just wanted to try things
out the wife is expected to be ok with the conversation?

I am guessing no because of the special nature of women's fluid sexuality per the batshit poster above. The rule is just that all men are now morally compelled to be cucks.

This website has really jumped the shark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you sense that she has exposed her undercarriage to the night air?, i.e., taken up with a paramour, yet?

Answer this, please.

Looks as though he did on page 1.

Wasn't certain OP was indicating the lady's nether regions had been, as the saying goes, exposed to the night air. But maybe that was indeed the point.

When the f did anyone ever, anywhere say this? Ugh. What's wrong with you, perving on the situation.

Beg your pardon? A lady exposing her nether regions, pant beard, undercarriage, etc. "to the night air" is common parlance.

I just googled “exposing undercarriage to night air” and this thread is the third result on the page, after two that were entirely irrelevant and unrelated to what you claim this means. So no, it’s not at all common, you freak.

Freak? Freak? Was simply using a perfectly ordinary term. Perhaps you are more familiar with something like "She took her nook (and cranny) to the public square and exposed it to a bit of night air"? Any old road, was merely encouraging OP to address this important consideration.

[Anonymous]

I just watched an old clip from a Season 1 Dr. Phil Show on his Facebook page where a wife wants to leave her husband and family and pursue a singer she has very strong feelings for. It’s just what you need to hear, OP. Dr. Phil told her she’s insulting her husband, it’s abnormal, she’s being immature and she needs to stop. And he told the husband he needs to tell her if she pursues the singer, it’s over.

Scroll down until you get to “Phil’s Files” at https://m.facebook.com/drphilshow

[Anonymous]

Well OP, since you think all trust is gone cut her loose and find someone more compatible. As someone previously mentioned, there's no shortage of women who enjoy vanilla sex. Let her find someone who appreciates her kinks and will enthusiastically explore that lifestyle with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yawn. Plenty of people negotiate non-monogamy and keep the trust with their spouse.

DH and I were open for years and had some amazing times. We closed up no problem when we started trying for kids and are still monogamous. Hell, at this stage of life I'd be most jealous of a kid-free evening.

We'll probably open up again when life is less crazy. I have tons of killer memories to draw on in the meantime and the 1 on 1 sex with him is good.

^^Not really a marriage but different stroke for different folks...

Indeed. Thankfully you are not the arbiter of the legitimacy of my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if a husband posted that he was attracted to another
woman or man at work and just wanted to try things
out the wife is expected to be ok with the conversation?

I am guessing no because of the special nature of women's fluid sexuality per the batshit poster above. The rule is just that all men are now morally compelled to be cucks.

This website has really jumped the shark.

Oh please, men aren't so stupid to ask for permission. They just cheat and are hopefully smart enough to cover their tracks.

[Anonymous]

The “it’s just open communication” line of thinking in this thread is wild.

First, the very act of discussing a desire can change the dynamic of relationship in a way that can’t be changed back. If your husband came to you and expressed a desire to sleep with your sister or your best friend, it would change your relationship with your husband even if you said no and he dropped it after that.

Second, the very act of asking potentially puts your partner in an untenable position. OP either holds his ground and comes off as insecure and possessive (note how quickly he was accused of being insecure in this very thread) or he has to go along with something he didn’t want. You don’t get to put your partner in a potential no win situation and then hide behind open communication. After many years of marriage, the vast vast majority of spouses know where their partner stands on these topics.

Finally, this pseudo-intellectual, just define marriage to be what you want it to be argument is sad. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want something else, don’t be married. If you find out monogamy isn’t for you then simply don’t be married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The “it’s just open communication” line of thinking in this thread is wild.

First, the very act of discussing a desire can change the dynamic of relationship in a way that can’t be changed back. If your husband came to you and expressed a desire to sleep with your sister or your best friend, it would change your relationship with your husband even if you said no and he dropped it after that.

Second, the very act of asking potentially puts your partner in an untenable position. OP either holds his ground and comes off as insecure and possessive (note how quickly he was accused of being insecure in this very thread) or he has to go along with something he didn’t want. You don’t get to put your partner in a potential no win situation and then hide behind open communication. After many years of marriage, the vast vast majority of spouses know where their partner stands on these topics.

Finally, this pseudo-intellectual, just define marriage to be what you want it to be argument is sad. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want something else, don’t be married. If you find out monogamy isn’t for you then simply don’t be married.

OP's wife didn't do anything to him- she didn't lie to him, she didn't cheat on him. And when he indicated that he was uncomfortable with opening the marriage, she agreed to drop it. He got his way and he's still petulant about it. That says volumes about his character.

Quite frankly, if merely discussing a desire is that problematic, then their relationship must be incredibly fragile to begin.

If monogamy is important your marriage, then it's important your individual marriage. But you don't get to define marriage for anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For context we are in our early/mid 30s with elementary school aged children, married 10 years.

The other evening my wife and I got to discussing what she calls “ethical non-monogamy.” We have some close friends who have an open marriage, and my wife has always been fascinated by it. Personally, it is not for me. I really don’t understand open marriage at all. What is the point? I’m having a hard time understanding why she would even bring this up as an option for us. I feel like I can’t even trust her anymore. It suddenly feels like I am not enough and I feel insecure now. I wish she had never even brought it up. Has anyone dealt with this before?

She is not attracted to you, or she is utterly unhappy with your marital sex life.

Sorry, you are not enough and she will never be able to say that again. She is using the prop of other friends doing it to bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly it is part of our culture nowadays. It is all about
"me, me, me" without any thought to the original partner.

It is the hipster thing to have multiple partners in marriage
and multiple partners in monogamy. Even writing the former sentence is weird.

"Gee, I'm bored in my marriage of 20 years so of course
it is okay for me to have affairs." This should not
bother my monogamous partner.

Those who don't support that multiple partners in monogamy are okay are dismissed as "ignorant".

Ultimately it is a degradation of values in our western
society.


Yeah, a good traditionalist would just remain in an unhappy marriage for years and years and not mention they have important needs and feelings that are not being met. That's just great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The “it’s just open communication” line of thinking in this thread is wild.

First, the very act of discussing a desire can change the dynamic of relationship in a way that can’t be changed back. If your husband came to you and expressed a desire to sleep with your sister or your best friend, it would change your relationship with your husband even if you said no and he dropped it after that.

Second, the very act of asking potentially puts your partner in an untenable position. OP either holds his ground and comes off as insecure and possessive (note how quickly he was accused of being insecure in this very thread) or he has to go along with something he didn’t want. You don’t get to put your partner in a potential no win situation and then hide behind open communication. After many years of marriage, the vast vast majority of spouses know where their partner stands on these topics.

Finally, this pseudo-intellectual, just define marriage to be what you want it to be argument is sad. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want something else, don’t be married. If you find out monogamy isn’t for you then simply don’t be married.

OP's wife didn't do anything to him- she didn't lie to him, she didn't cheat on him. And when he indicated that he was uncomfortable with opening the marriage, she agreed to drop it. He got his way and he's still petulant about it. That says volumes about his character.

Quite frankly, if merely discussing a desire is that problematic, then their relationship must be incredibly fragile to begin.

If monogamy is important your marriage, then it's important your individual marriage. But you don't get to define marriage for anyone else.

So if you’re husband came to you and told you he wanted to sleep with your sister or your best friend and he wanted your blessing and you said no, that would be the end of it? You would leave it at that?

Sometimes the very act of asking for or discussing something changes the relationship dynamic.

And you’re wrong about the meaning of marriage—if everybody gets to define marriage to be whatever they want it to mean, then marriage doesn’t really mean anything at all, does it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The “it’s just open communication” line of thinking in this thread is wild.

First, the very act of discussing a desire can change the dynamic of relationship in a way that can’t be changed back. If your husband came to you and expressed a desire to sleep with your sister or your best friend, it would change your relationship with your husband even if you said no and he dropped it after that.

Second, the very act of asking potentially puts your partner in an untenable position. OP either holds his ground and comes off as insecure and possessive (note how quickly he was accused of being insecure in this very thread) or he has to go along with something he didn’t want. You don’t get to put your partner in a potential no win situation and then hide behind open communication. After many years of marriage, the vast vast majority of spouses know where their partner stands on these topics.

Finally, this pseudo-intellectual, just define marriage to be what you want it to be argument is sad. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want something else, don’t be married. If you find out monogamy isn’t for you then simply don’t be married.

OP's wife didn't do anything to him- she didn't lie to him, she didn't cheat on him. And when he indicated that he was uncomfortable with opening the marriage, she agreed to drop it. He got his way and he's still petulant about it. That says volumes about his character.

Quite frankly, if merely discussing a desire is that problematic, then their relationship must be incredibly fragile to begin.

If monogamy is important your marriage, then it's important your individual marriage. But you don't get to define marriage for anyone else.

So if you’re husband came to you and told you he wanted to sleep with your sister or your best friend and he wanted your blessing and you said no, that would be the end of it? You would leave it at that?

Sometimes the very act of asking for or discussing something changes the relationship dynamic.

And you’re wrong about the meaning of marriage—if everybody gets to define marriage to be whatever they want it to mean, then marriage doesn’t really mean anything at all, does it?

Marriage does have a meaning. It is a legal and financial contract with specific rights, benefits, ramifications as defined by the law.

Anything else besides that is negotiated and determined by the specific married couple.

Your example with the best friend and sister is facetious- reasonable people with open marriages generally set reasonable restrictions and don't involve family members or close friends.

There's nothing wrong with having preferences in bed. You don't ever have to justify your preferences. But it is wrong to shame your partner over their likes or kinks or make them feel like they can't ever bring it up. If an open relationship or marriage is not for you, then it is not for you. But you shouldn't shame your partner for wanting it or just talking about it.

Generally speaking, dh and I are sexually compatible but there are some things that he likes but I don't and vice-versa. If one of us gave a hard no to something, the other person would respect it. That would be the end of it. But we are also not afraid to talk about things and try to compromise whenever it is possible.