Wife is interested in opening up our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly it is part of our culture nowadays. It is all about
"me, me, me" without any thought to the original partner.

It is the hipster thing to have multiple partners in marriage
and multiple partners in monogamy. Even writing the former sentence is weird.

"Gee, I'm bored in my marriage of 20 years so of course
it is okay for me to have affairs." This should not
bother my monogamous partner.

Those who don't support that multiple partners in monogamy are okay are dismissed as "ignorant".

Ultimately it is a degradation of values in our western
society.


Yeah, a good traditionalist would just remain in an unhappy marriage for years and years and not mention they have important needs and feelings that are not being met. That's just great!

I disagree that you can call the person a traditionalist then. And there is a socially acceptable remedy to this, it’s called divorce.

You seem to be overlooking the needs of the kids. The feelings of the adventurous spouse are completely focused on meeting their own sexual desires as if it’s the only important consideration. A responsible parent would not want to do anything to undermine their childrens’ family. What does she tell the kids, “Oh I can’t be there for you 50% of the time anymore because I want to be with Pat now, too?” That’s hedonism, self-indulgence and selfish.

What if Pat wants more time — who does she please? Does her DH or her kids get a say? What do you think happens if all she does is follow her feelings? Everyone else’s life gets controlled by her feelings of desire du jour.

Time to grow up. Or don’t get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly it is part of our culture nowadays. It is all about
"me, me, me" without any thought to the original partner.

It is the hipster thing to have multiple partners in marriage
and multiple partners in monogamy. Even writing the former sentence is weird.

"Gee, I'm bored in my marriage of 20 years so of course
it is okay for me to have affairs." This should not
bother my monogamous partner.

Those who don't support that multiple partners in monogamy are okay are dismissed as "ignorant".

Ultimately it is a degradation of values in our western
society.


Yeah, a good traditionalist would just remain in an unhappy marriage for years and years and not mention they have important needs and feelings that are not being met. That's just great!

I disagree that you can call the person a traditionalist then. And there is a socially acceptable remedy to this, it’s called divorce.

You seem to be overlooking the needs of the kids. The feelings of the adventurous spouse are completely focused on meeting their own sexual desires as if it’s the only important consideration. A responsible parent would not want to do anything to undermine their childrens’ family. What does she tell the kids, “Oh I can’t be there for you 50% of the time anymore because I want to be with Pat now, too?” That’s hedonism, self-indulgence and selfish.

What if Pat wants more time — who does she please? Does her DH or her kids get a say? What do you think happens if all she does is follow her feelings? Everyone else’s life gets controlled by her feelings of desire du jour.

Time to grow up. Or don’t get married.

+1 Not surprised if DW is a lesbian. Had the wedding, husband & kids, check. Now she wants to do what she wants WITH DH approval.

BTW long term monogamy is NOT boring, if you are still attractive to your spouse, physically & mentally. Disrespect, resentment, & contempt kill relationships- not "boredom".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The “it’s just open communication” line of thinking in this thread is wild.

First, the very act of discussing a desire can change the dynamic of relationship in a way that can’t be changed back. If your husband came to you and expressed a desire to sleep with your sister or your best friend, it would change your relationship with your husband even if you said no and he dropped it after that.

Second, the very act of asking potentially puts your partner in an untenable position. OP either holds his ground and comes off as insecure and possessive (note how quickly he was accused of being insecure in this very thread) or he has to go along with something he didn’t want. You don’t get to put your partner in a potential no win situation and then hide behind open communication. After many years of marriage, the vast vast majority of spouses know where their partner stands on these topics.

Finally, this pseudo-intellectual, just define marriage to be what you want it to be argument is sad. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want something else, don’t be married. If you find out monogamy isn’t for you then simply don’t be married.

OP's wife didn't do anything to him- she didn't lie to him, she didn't cheat on him. And when he indicated that he was uncomfortable with opening the marriage, she agreed to drop it. He got his way and he's still petulant about it. That says volumes about his character.

Quite frankly, if merely discussing a desire is that problematic, then their relationship must be incredibly fragile to begin.

If monogamy is important your marriage, then it's important your individual marriage. But you don't get to define marriage for anyone else.

So if you’re husband came to you and told you he wanted to sleep with your sister or your best friend and he wanted your blessing and you said no, that would be the end of it? You would leave it at that?

Sometimes the very act of asking for or discussing something changes the relationship dynamic.

And you’re wrong about the meaning of marriage—if everybody gets to define marriage to be whatever they want it to mean, then marriage doesn’t really mean anything at all, does it?

Marriage does have a meaning. It is a legal and financial contract with specific rights, benefits, ramifications as defined by the law.

Anything else besides that is negotiated and determined by the specific married couple.

Your example with the best friend and sister is facetious- reasonable people with open marriages generally set reasonable restrictions and don't involve family members or close friends.

There's nothing wrong with having preferences in bed. You don't ever have to justify your preferences. But it is wrong to shame your partner over their likes or kinks or make them feel like they can't ever bring it up. If an open relationship or marriage is not for you, then it is not for you. But you shouldn't shame your partner for wanting it or just talking about it.

Generally speaking, dh and I are sexually compatible but there are some things that he likes but I don't and vice-versa. If one of us gave a hard no to something, the other person would respect it. That would be the end of it. But we are also not afraid to talk about things and try to compromise whenever it is possible.

If marriage is indistinguishable from a legal partnership, then just call it that.

The sister/best friend example is not facetious. It is an extreme end of the spectrum that demonstrates that this conversation isn’t really about the principle of the matter but about where boundaries are drawn. Discussing what is within your personal comfort zone is easy for anybody. But moving beyond boundaries is where principles no longer govern.

Sure, it’s easy to say that kinks should be openly discussed with no shaming but I guarantee you that your partner could come to you with a practiced kink that would draw a negative reaction from you. Don’t hold it against OP that he found himself in that boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again

Wow this blew up, thanks to those of you who offered support and solid advice. I had to revisit the conversation with my wife since it’s definitely not a topic to be left unresolved. She tried to ask about opening up the marriage to women only (she’s “bi” I guess) but again, I have no interest in sharing with other men OR women. Why is it so hard to understand? Anyway, I made my position clear and she said she would drop it. Of course now I feel like an asshole when I didn’t even do anything wrong and on top of that I will forever be wondering if she’s unhappy or just eventually cheats on me.

I wouldn’t wish this bullshit on my worst enemy. My once secure, happy marriage feels like it’s in jeopardy now. Hopefully I can learn to let it go and she really does drop it for good.

So you’re feeling a little insecure. Sounds like she’s been feeling unfulfilled for a long while and will continue to feel that way. It’s almost like you’re even now.

So what *should* OP have done? Consented, even if it would leave him unhappy and unfulfilled?

No. I’m just pointing out that he’s not the only one unhappy. He’s making it seem like she’s taking away the fulfilling feeling his marriage gave him, but really he hasn’t been giving it to her either. He can try to be more exciting in the bedroom and consider pushing some of his boundaries, or he can dig in and wallow in his insecurity. He shouldn’t punish her for sharing her truth though.

exactly how is she being punished? would you say the same thing if a woman came on here and said her husband only want to open the marriage b/c he's unfulfilled sexually b/c he like women of a different race? or if the husband said he was bi-? don't think so.

I told my wife about new feelings that I had towards men that started to only come out 5 years after marriage and our kids were born. She ended up thinking it was hot and now likes to watch. There are some things that you can do together!!

[Anonymous]

I've been reading through this. I hate to say it, but the wife lobbed a bomb into this marriage that can't be undone. I'd like to think that by this point, she would have been more than aware that her husband, the OP, had no interest in this kind of thing. Now it can't be unsaid.

This is probably harsh, but Jesus, think about it from the non-interested spouses's perspective. The wife clearly indicated she wanted to do this, which will always be there. Now what? Every time she goes out with her friends for a drink and is home a bit late, or has to work late, it is always going to be in the back of the other spouses mind. Did she really just go out with friends? Is she really working late? This isn't a possessive thing or a jealousy thing, its human nature to be suspicious of everything going forward when and if a spouse indicates this kind of desire. And it is horribly unfair to put the OP, or any spouse, in that kind of situation. Does he now insist that she answer his texts and phone calls immediately, or only go out with friends if he goes too? That's unfair to her, but you kind of bring that shit on yourself when you do something like this. The OP can literally not win, no spouse on their end can. You either accept it and become the jilted spouse while you other half sleeps around, or you put your foot down, look like a controlling jerk, and it is always there and you always have to wonder.

Put this situation aside for a second and think generally. If you tell any non-interested spouse, man or woman, that you'd like their opinion on opening up the marriage, how do you then follow that up by wanting to go out without them, and not expect them to be suspicious of your motivations basically forever? It is not possible. She has ruined any trust in this matter. It isn't possessiveness or jealousy when you gave them a good reason to feel this way about you. And that's just a night out, can you imagine if there's a business trip? At the very least the spouse would have a good case for saying he doesn't want the swinger friends hanging out with them anymore.

People trying to explain her actions away ignore how selfish the OP's wife was. She should have either not gotten married, or kept it to herself and figured out a way to handle it without cheating. Jesus, especially with young children. She has needs? Masturbate and fantasize. People ask "should she have just kept quiet and cheated?" No, she should have had the common sense to realize there are more important things, or at least have the common decency to get divorced first like a mature adult. She knew exactly what she was doing planting this seed.

Speaking of divorce, the kids are young now, but can you imagine that conversation when they become older teenagers and are ready for the truth? Why did you guys get divorced? Because your mother decided that rather than keeping the family together, and raising her young kids together, with a devoted spouse, she decided it was more important to plant major seeds of doubt and then live out her sex fantasies. Yeah, enjoy your kids hating you for that for the rest of your life. Is anyone here expecting the OP to keep quiet about the "real reasons?" I wouldn't expect any spouse on his end of things to hide the truth when the kids are old enough.

This isn't just about this situation, this applies to any spouse, man or woman who would do this to their partner. If I sound angry I don't mean to come off that way but I don't think I'm off by much. I think this is exactly where this is all heading eventually unless the OP is trolling. I think his wife is a real jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this. I hate to say it, but the wife lobbed a bomb into this marriage that can't be undone. I'd like to think that by this point, she would have been more than aware that her husband, the OP, had no interest in this kind of thing. Now it can't be unsaid.

This is probably harsh, but Jesus, think about it from the non-interested spouses's perspective. The wife clearly indicated she wanted to do this, which will always be there. Now what? Every time she goes out with her friends for a drink and is home a bit late, or has to work late, it is always going to be in the back of the other spouses mind. Did she really just go out with friends? Is she really working late? This isn't a possessive thing or a jealousy thing, its human nature to be suspicious of everything going forward when and if a spouse indicates this kind of desire. And it is horribly unfair to put the OP, or any spouse, in that kind of situation. Does he now insist that she answer his texts and phone calls immediately, or only go out with friends if he goes too? That's unfair to her, but you kind of bring that shit on yourself when you do something like this. The OP can literally not win, no spouse on their end can. You either accept it and become the jilted spouse while you other half sleeps around, or you put your foot down, look like a controlling jerk, and it is always there and you always have to wonder.

Put this situation aside for a second and think generally. If you tell any non-interested spouse, man or woman, that you'd like their opinion on opening up the marriage, how do you then follow that up by wanting to go out without them, and not expect them to be suspicious of your motivations basically forever? It is not possible. She has ruined any trust in this matter. It isn't possessiveness or jealousy when you gave them a good reason to feel this way about you. And that's just a night out, can you imagine if there's a business trip? At the very least the spouse would have a good case for saying he doesn't want the swinger friends hanging out with them anymore.

People trying to explain her actions away ignore how selfish the OP's wife was. She should have either not gotten married, or kept it to herself and figured out a way to handle it without cheating. Jesus, especially with young children. She has needs? Masturbate and fantasize. People ask "should she have just kept quiet and cheated?" No, she should have had the common sense to realize there are more important things, or at least have the common decency to get divorced first like a mature adult. She knew exactly what she was doing planting this seed.

Speaking of divorce, the kids are young now, but can you imagine that conversation when they become older teenagers and are ready for the truth? Why did you guys get divorced? Because your mother decided that rather than keeping the family together, and raising her young kids together, with a devoted spouse, she decided it was more important to plant major seeds of doubt and then live out her sex fantasies. Yeah, enjoy your kids hating you for that for the rest of your life. Is anyone here expecting the OP to keep quiet about the "real reasons?" I wouldn't expect any spouse on his end of things to hide the truth when the kids are old enough.

This isn't just about this situation, this applies to any spouse, man or woman who would do this to their partner. If I sound angry I don't mean to come off that way but I don't think I'm off by much. I think this is exactly where this is all heading eventually unless the OP is trolling. I think his wife is a real jerk.

And I think the spouse that always limits the other spouse is a jerk. It sucks to always be told no, or to be given crumbs and told to be grateful for the compromise. I totally get why the wife put it out there. She probably could’ve done it more sensitively, but she’s probably at the point where she’s tired of her ideas being rejected and went all in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this. I hate to say it, but the wife lobbed a bomb into this marriage that can't be undone. I'd like to think that by this point, she would have been more than aware that her husband, the OP, had no interest in this kind of thing. Now it can't be unsaid.

This is probably harsh, but Jesus, think about it from the non-interested spouses's perspective. The wife clearly indicated she wanted to do this, which will always be there. Now what? Every time she goes out with her friends for a drink and is home a bit late, or has to work late, it is always going to be in the back of the other spouses mind. Did she really just go out with friends? Is she really working late? This isn't a possessive thing or a jealousy thing, its human nature to be suspicious of everything going forward when and if a spouse indicates this kind of desire. And it is horribly unfair to put the OP, or any spouse, in that kind of situation. Does he now insist that she answer his texts and phone calls immediately, or only go out with friends if he goes too? That's unfair to her, but you kind of bring that shit on yourself when you do something like this. The OP can literally not win, no spouse on their end can. You either accept it and become the jilted spouse while you other half sleeps around, or you put your foot down, look like a controlling jerk, and it is always there and you always have to wonder.

Put this situation aside for a second and think generally. If you tell any non-interested spouse, man or woman, that you'd like their opinion on opening up the marriage, how do you then follow that up by wanting to go out without them, and not expect them to be suspicious of your motivations basically forever? It is not possible. She has ruined any trust in this matter. It isn't possessiveness or jealousy when you gave them a good reason to feel this way about you. And that's just a night out, can you imagine if there's a business trip? At the very least the spouse would have a good case for saying he doesn't want the swinger friends hanging out with them anymore.

People trying to explain her actions away ignore how selfish the OP's wife was. She should have either not gotten married, or kept it to herself and figured out a way to handle it without cheating. Jesus, especially with young children. She has needs? Masturbate and fantasize. People ask "should she have just kept quiet and cheated?" No, she should have had the common sense to realize there are more important things, or at least have the common decency to get divorced first like a mature adult. She knew exactly what she was doing planting this seed.

Speaking of divorce, the kids are young now, but can you imagine that conversation when they become older teenagers and are ready for the truth? Why did you guys get divorced? Because your mother decided that rather than keeping the family together, and raising her young kids together, with a devoted spouse, she decided it was more important to plant major seeds of doubt and then live out her sex fantasies. Yeah, enjoy your kids hating you for that for the rest of your life. Is anyone here expecting the OP to keep quiet about the "real reasons?" I wouldn't expect any spouse on his end of things to hide the truth when the kids are old enough.

This isn't just about this situation, this applies to any spouse, man or woman who would do this to their partner. If I sound angry I don't mean to come off that way but I don't think I'm off by much. I think this is exactly where this is all heading eventually unless the OP is trolling. I think his wife is a real jerk.

You sound like a jealous person. Btw, your jealousy and possessiveness is your problem and it has nothing to do with your partner. You either trust your partner or you don't. What kind of relationship is it if you can only trust your partner if they are dishonest about their sexual desires? Or feel like they have to hide a part of themselves?

If I give my dh a hard no on something, I trust that 1)he will respect my boundaries and drop it after our discussion and 2) he will honor the commitments that he made to me. I'm not concerned that he's out there doing this thing with another woman. I trust him and likewise, he trusts me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The “it’s just open communication” line of thinking in this thread is wild.

First, the very act of discussing a desire can change the dynamic of relationship in a way that can’t be changed back. If your husband came to you and expressed a desire to sleep with your sister or your best friend, it would change your relationship with your husband even if you said no and he dropped it after that.

Second, the very act of asking potentially puts your partner in an untenable position. OP either holds his ground and comes off as insecure and possessive (note how quickly he was accused of being insecure in this very thread) or he has to go along with something he didn’t want. You don’t get to put your partner in a potential no win situation and then hide behind open communication. After many years of marriage, the vast vast majority of spouses know where their partner stands on these topics.

Finally, this pseudo-intellectual, just define marriage to be what you want it to be argument is sad. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want something else, don’t be married. If you find out monogamy isn’t for you then simply don’t be married.

OP's wife didn't do anything to him- she didn't lie to him, she didn't cheat on him. And when he indicated that he was uncomfortable with opening the marriage, she agreed to drop it. He got his way and he's still petulant about it. That says volumes about his character.

Quite frankly, if merely discussing a desire is that problematic, then their relationship must be incredibly fragile to begin.

If monogamy is important your marriage, then it's important your individual marriage. But you don't get to define marriage for anyone else.

So if you’re husband came to you and told you he wanted to sleep with your sister or your best friend and he wanted your blessing and you said no, that would be the end of it? You would leave it at that?

Sometimes the very act of asking for or discussing something changes the relationship dynamic.

And you’re wrong about the meaning of marriage—if everybody gets to define marriage to be whatever they want it to mean, then marriage doesn’t really mean anything at all, does it?

Marriage does have a meaning. It is a legal and financial contract with specific rights, benefits, ramifications as defined by the law.

Anything else besides that is negotiated and determined by the specific married couple.

Your example with the best friend and sister is facetious- reasonable people with open marriages generally set reasonable restrictions and don't involve family members or close friends.

There's nothing wrong with having preferences in bed. You don't ever have to justify your preferences. But it is wrong to shame your partner over their likes or kinks or make them feel like they can't ever bring it up. If an open relationship or marriage is not for you, then it is not for you. But you shouldn't shame your partner for wanting it or just talking about it.

Generally speaking, dh and I are sexually compatible but there are some things that he likes but I don't and vice-versa. If one of us gave a hard no to something, the other person would respect it. That would be the end of it. But we are also not afraid to talk about things and try to compromise whenever it is possible.

If marriage is indistinguishable from a legal partnership, then just call it that.

The sister/best friend example is not facetious. It is an extreme end of the spectrum that demonstrates that this conversation isn’t really about the principle of the matter but about where boundaries are drawn. Discussing what is within your personal comfort zone is easy for anybody. But moving beyond boundaries is where principles no longer govern.

Sure, it’s easy to say that kinks should be openly discussed with no shaming but I guarantee you that your partner could come to you with a practiced kink that would draw a negative reaction from you. Don’t hold it against OP that he found himself in that boat.

PP. Like I said, dh likes some things that I don't. In order to disclose something very personal and private, he had to make himself vulnerable to me. I would never shame him for desiring those things or telling me because I'm not an asshole.

[Anonymous]

How many times have we read "trust but verify" on this website. If you blindly trust your spouse after something like this is said, it doesn't make you woke or understanding, it makes you an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly it is part of our culture nowadays. It is all about
"me, me, me" without any thought to the original partner.

It is the hipster thing to have multiple partners in marriage
and multiple partners in monogamy. Even writing the former sentence is weird.

"Gee, I'm bored in my marriage of 20 years so of course
it is okay for me to have affairs." This should not
bother my monogamous partner.

Those who don't support that multiple partners in monogamy are okay are dismissed as "ignorant".

Ultimately it is a degradation of values in our western
society.


Yeah, a good traditionalist would just remain in an unhappy marriage for years and years and not mention they have important needs and feelings that are not being met. That's just great!

I disagree that you can call the person a traditionalist then. And there is a socially acceptable remedy to this, it’s called divorce.

You seem to be overlooking the needs of the kids. The feelings of the adventurous spouse are completely focused on meeting their own sexual desires as if it’s the only important consideration. A responsible parent would not want to do anything to undermine their childrens’ family. What does she tell the kids, “Oh I can’t be there for you 50% of the time anymore because I want to be with Pat now, too?” That’s hedonism, self-indulgence and selfish.

What if Pat wants more time — who does she please? Does her DH or her kids get a say? What do you think happens if all she does is follow her feelings? Everyone else’s life gets controlled by her feelings of desire du jour.

Time to grow up. Or don’t get married.

I was the traditionalist poster above.

The traditionalist way of wife handling her desires:

1. Wife separates, moves out to explore her lesbian and/or bi desires and date around. Down the road wife and husband may or may not get back together again.
2. Wife divorces and lives the lesbian, bi and straight lifestyle with as many people as she wants.

[Anonymous]

I'm not seeing where OP "shamed" his wife.

I understand his hurt feelings.

He is in a marriage of 10 years with elementary school
children and this came out of left field.

The friend couple seems to be having fun so wife wants
to pursue the lesbian lifestyle while still being married.

OP signed up for a marriage of 2 people, not 3.

There are a lot of ways women can get their needs
met nowadays with mechanical devices, p__n, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For context we are in our early/mid 30s with elementary school aged children, married 10 years.

The other evening my wife and I got to discussing what she calls “ethical non-monogamy.” We have some close friends who have an open marriage, and my wife has always been fascinated by it. Personally, it is not for me. I really don’t understand open marriage at all. What is the point? I’m having a hard time understanding why she would even bring this up as an option for us. I feel like I can’t even trust her anymore. It suddenly feels like I am not enough and I feel insecure now. I wish she had never even brought it up. Has anyone dealt with this before?

This is why people should not hang with unethical people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The “it’s just open communication” line of thinking in this thread is wild.

First, the very act of discussing a desire can change the dynamic of relationship in a way that can’t be changed back. If your husband came to you and expressed a desire to sleep with your sister or your best friend, it would change your relationship with your husband even if you said no and he dropped it after that.

Second, the very act of asking potentially puts your partner in an untenable position. OP either holds his ground and comes off as insecure and possessive (note how quickly he was accused of being insecure in this very thread) or he has to go along with something he didn’t want. You don’t get to put your partner in a potential no win situation and then hide behind open communication. After many years of marriage, the vast vast majority of spouses know where their partner stands on these topics.

Finally, this pseudo-intellectual, just define marriage to be what you want it to be argument is sad. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want something else, don’t be married. If you find out monogamy isn’t for you then simply don’t be married.

OP's wife didn't do anything to him- she didn't lie to him, she didn't cheat on him. And when he indicated that he was uncomfortable with opening the marriage, she agreed to drop it. He got his way and he's still petulant about it. That says volumes about his character.

Quite frankly, if merely discussing a desire is that problematic, then their relationship must be incredibly fragile to begin.

If monogamy is important your marriage, then it's important your individual marriage. But you don't get to define marriage for anyone else.

So if you’re husband came to you and told you he wanted to sleep with your sister or your best friend and he wanted your blessing and you said no, that would be the end of it? You would leave it at that?

Sometimes the very act of asking for or discussing something changes the relationship dynamic.

And you’re wrong about the meaning of marriage—if everybody gets to define marriage to be whatever they want it to mean, then marriage doesn’t really mean anything at all, does it?

Marriage does have a meaning. It is a legal and financial contract with specific rights, benefits, ramifications as defined by the law.

Anything else besides that is negotiated and determined by the specific married couple.

Your example with the best friend and sister is facetious- reasonable people with open marriages generally set reasonable restrictions and don't involve family members or close friends.

There's nothing wrong with having preferences in bed. You don't ever have to justify your preferences. But it is wrong to shame your partner over their likes or kinks or make them feel like they can't ever bring it up. If an open relationship or marriage is not for you, then it is not for you. But you shouldn't shame your partner for wanting it or just talking about it.

Generally speaking, dh and I are sexually compatible but there are some things that he likes but I don't and vice-versa. If one of us gave a hard no to something, the other person would respect it. That would be the end of it. But we are also not afraid to talk about things and try to compromise whenever it is possible.

If marriage is indistinguishable from a legal partnership, then just call it that.

The sister/best friend example is not facetious. It is an extreme end of the spectrum that demonstrates that this conversation isn’t really about the principle of the matter but about where boundaries are drawn. Discussing what is within your personal comfort zone is easy for anybody. But moving beyond boundaries is where principles no longer govern.

Sure, it’s easy to say that kinks should be openly discussed with no shaming but I guarantee you that your partner could come to you with a practiced kink that would draw a negative reaction from you. Don’t hold it against OP that he found himself in that boat.

PP. Like I said, dh likes some things that I don't. In order to disclose something very personal and private, he had to make himself vulnerable to me. I would never shame him for desiring those things or telling me because I'm not an asshole.

I’m not just talking about things your spouses likes but you don’t. I’m asking if there truly is no kink which you would find so utterly grotesque that it wouldn’t illicit a negative reaction from you. Do you really believe that? So if your husband wanted to make a Nazi themed sex tape like Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband you’d turn it down politely and leave it at that? Crush stuff like the Supreme Court ruled on a few years back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context we are in our early/mid 30s with elementary school aged children, married 10 years.

The other evening my wife and I got to discussing what she calls “ethical non-monogamy.” We have some close friends who have an open marriage, and my wife has always been fascinated by it. Personally, it is not for me. I really don’t understand open marriage at all. What is the point? I’m having a hard time understanding why she would even bring this up as an option for us. I feel like I can’t even trust her anymore. It suddenly feels like I am not enough and I feel insecure now. I wish she had never even brought it up. Has anyone dealt with this before?

This is why people should not hang with unethical people.

But she asked for ethical non-monogamy. Not the unethical kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not seeing where OP "shamed" his wife.

I understand his hurt feelings.

He is in a marriage of 10 years with elementary school
children and this came out of left field.

The friend couple seems to be having fun so wife wants
to pursue the lesbian lifestyle while still being married.

OP signed up for a marriage of 2 people, not 3.

There are a lot of ways women can get their needs
met nowadays with mechanical devices, p__n, etc.

Did you not read the part where he said that he wished that she never brought it up? If you say tell someone that they shouldn't have disclosed their sexual desires and how such disclosure is terrible and ruining the relationship, then you are shaming them.

If you can't talk to your spouse about your sexual fantasies, then who can you talk to?