Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am

[Anonymous]

If you invest the emotional energy in your marriage that you have been in your AP, your marriage will improve. But you can’t just go through the motions. It sounds like you are off to a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve reflected a lot. Cut contact with this other woman and am going to honestly work on my relationship with my wife. Becoming sober and headed back to therapy, too.

How did she react to you ending it with her?

How do you know she won’t try to either restart the affair or blow up your life?

She accepted it.

I don’t know, but can only make the right decisions going forward.

Yea so did my ex-DH’s AP. Until she didn’t. She approached me with all the details of their affair and our marriage was over. He didn’t go back to her like she hoped, but our kids were and are devastated by the divorce. The worst part of it all. You took a HUGE risk, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve reflected a lot. Cut contact with this other woman and am going to honestly work on my relationship with my wife. Becoming sober and headed back to therapy, too.

How did she react to you ending it with her?

How do you know she won’t try to either restart the affair or blow up your life?

She accepted it.

I don’t know, but can only make the right decisions going forward.

Yea so did my ex-DH’s AP. Until she didn’t. She approached me with all the details of their affair and our marriage was over. He didn’t go back to her like she hoped, but our kids were and are devastated by the divorce. The worst part of it all. You took a HUGE risk, OP.

People who think they'll never be caught don't seem to realize that they can't control what the affair partner may do. They think being w a married AP is safer bc the AP also has a lot to lose...Until the affair becomes more important to the AP than the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.

My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.

I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.

This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.

This sounds like it was written by a woman. I don't believe OP is a man. Starting to think Troll McTrollface is back.

You do realize that many people post their situation and change minor details so they can't be discovered. That doesn't make them a troll. I am not the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve reflected a lot. Cut contact with this other woman and am going to honestly work on my relationship with my wife. Becoming sober and headed back to therapy, too.

How did she react to you ending it with her?

How do you know she won’t try to either restart the affair or blow up your life?

She accepted it.

I don’t know, but can only make the right decisions going forward.

Yea so did my ex-DH’s AP. Until she didn’t. She approached me with all the details of their affair and our marriage was over. He didn’t go back to her like she hoped, but our kids were and are devastated by the divorce. The worst part of it all. You took a HUGE risk, OP.

Or the other spouse finds out. One of the neighbors alerted a spouse his wife was having a man over during the day....lol...so you never know. Especially when there are cameras/video everywhere.


People who think they'll never be caught don't seem to realize that they can't control what the affair partner may do. They think being w a married AP is safer bc the AP also has a lot to lose...Until the affair becomes more important to the AP than the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.

My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.

I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.

This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.

This sounds like it was written by a woman. I don't believe OP is a man. Starting to think Troll McTrollface is back.

Whoever wrote it doesn't value their kids that much. Even if I wasn't crazy about my spouse my kids/family still come before some pickup garbage from the bar. Doesn't say much about OP either thinking the trash is warm beautiful and sweet, LMAO! Seriously someone willing to hurt a family with kids isn't a good person. Many single people out there - never a reason to interject oneself into a married persons life.

OP guaranteed that person has been sleeping with all kinds of people. Get tested and try to get your sh^t together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

No actually the kids won't just "get over it". It will affect their view on love, marriage, relationships. A whole group of 20 & 30 somethings afraid to get marriage & are having kids outside of marriage because they are "afraid of commitment". (like kids aren't a commitment..lol)

Kids will never get over it and quite frankly it will ruin their outlook on love and relationships. My dad cheated on my mom multiple times with multiple women and not only did I resent him...I feel like every person I date is going to do the same thing. I think all relationships will eventually end due to cheating. And I think there is no point in marriage. Thanks dad.

[Anonymous]

In 10 years you may have grandchildren. Imagine being kept from them and missing out on all the joys of family holidays and other occasions. You wouldn't be fully included in your children's lives, if at all. Imagine losing all the friends and neighbors you and your wife share in common. All this for a roll in the hay? Love isn't always easy but it endures. Lust does not.

[Anonymous]

Dude, read the escort thread, hire one, get it out of your system and go back to being married and sexually bored. You are thinking with your little brain. Your family needs you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In 10 years you may have grandchildren. Imagine being kept from them and missing out on all the joys of family holidays and other occasions. You wouldn't be fully included in your children's lives, if at all. Imagine losing all the friends and neighbors you and your wife share in common. All this for a roll in the hay? Love isn't always easy but it endures. Lust does not.

Just a random poster here. I don't like my inlaws. I don't do holidays with them. You can be fully in children's lives...just not fully in your ex spouses lives. My spouse and and I don't have common friends. Who gives a crap about neighbors. People always assume marriages are the same and intertwined. They are not. People also assume people really care about the things you mention. I don't. I am a woman. I only care about the kids in a divorce. I would not care about anyone else. Not anyone. Not friends, not neighbors...and I could see my kids on my own time without my spouse (which I would gladly welcome). I am so tired of people making divorce out to be a big huge disaster. It is how you approach it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

Newsflash: the default now is 50/50 custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

Newsflash: the default now is 50/50 custody.

Yes but when they are 22 and 25 and custody is no longer an issue and you realize they don’t like or respect you and never want to spend those holidays with you (especially if you end up with AP), then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

Newsflash: the default now is 50/50 custody.

Yes but when they are 22 and 25 and custody is no longer an issue and you realize they don’t like or respect you and never want to spend those holidays with you (especially if you end up with AP), then what?

First off, why would kids not want to spend holidays? You are assuming 1) there is an affair and 2) an affair always leads to a divorce. I am talking about any divorce—regardless of an affair or not. 50/50. An affair should have nothing to do with kids. A divorce is divorce no matter the cause. Parents should co parent the same regardless of the reason for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

Newsflash: the default now is 50/50 custody.

Yes but when they are 22 and 25 and custody is no longer an issue and you realize they don’t like or respect you and never want to spend those holidays with you (especially if you end up with AP), then what?

Just posted. If my kids felt like this in any situation, that is on them. I really do not care what they want to do as adults. They may or may not spend holidays with me or not. Not a holiday person. Could care less. Who cares? Really. Has nothing to do with affairs. Lots of 20-something’s spend holidays with others. They are adults then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

Newsflash: the default now is 50/50 custody.

Yes but when they are 22 and 25 and custody is no longer an issue and you realize they don’t like or respect you and never want to spend those holidays with you (especially if you end up with AP), then what?

Exactly. If you treat the other spouse horribly, and cheated it is the same as cheating on the kids. It's a big betrayal of the family. The parent that doesn't care if they visit on holidays etc. isn't a parent that really ever cared. I see few good outcomes when the other parent ends up with the AP. I've seen the domino effect over and over down to the grand-kids. I'm close to my kids because we are a family, and I treat my spouse well. My family isn't worth throwing under the bus for some outsider who has no invested interest.