Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did the resentment towards wife stem from?

After he met the new one the resentment toward the old one starts.

+100

My ex could have written the OP a few years ago, right down to the "there are some things my wife just doesn't like about me." None of that was true, actually. I was in love with him and I liked him right up until the day he confessed he'd been banging a 20-something junior associate. After that, there were absolutely some things I didn't like about him.

OP is lying to himself to justify the affair. He's almost certainly also lying to the mistress about the state of his marriage. He is the hero of his own narrative, and in his narrative the mistress likes him for himself, or something.

Same story for me too. My ex started telling me how much I don't like him at exactly the same time he started having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did the resentment towards wife stem from?

Day-in, day-out, year-in, year-out daily grind of home, family, kids, money, household, work etc. I don’t feel - and have never felt - that my wife completely accepts me.

Ooh, rewriting the marital history. Sure, you never felt acceptance from your wife.

You are such a cliche.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are an idiot. Stop saying there is distance in your marriage... blah, blah, blah.

You are making that shit up to justify your actions.

You did the deed, you’ve already bitten the Apple. You can’t take it back.

Your next steps are to pick fights with your wife to justify the final fall out.

Cliche... throwing your kids emotional well-being in the toilet during their teen years... jeez... yea dude, you are a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you handle your wife getting a second wind via an affair or new SO post divorce? Word spreading through your family and social circle that your midlife crisis is wreaking havoc on your family?

I’m a single woman who had an emotional affair (we also made out but no sex, thanks to me) with a married man years ago. Lasted about a year. Wasn’t looking for it, didn’t know he was married initially. I cut things off abruptly before it progressed physically (matter of time) and because I deserved someone available. Amazing chemistry though. I know of the feeling you describe. I really appreciated him and found him beautiful and I could tell he was hooked on the admiration.

I think you need to have a difficult conversation at home about the state of your marriage. I’m not encouraging you to fess up, but to get to the root of the problem. You’re not a victim. You’ve grown complacent in your resentment. If sex isn’t happening, talk about how it makes you feel when you’re rejected. You’re taking a major risk here which could blow up several lives.

"the root of the problem", he doesn't need to talk about that, he needs to look in the mirror. There is the root. He is a man who lies to people he supposedly loves, a man who puts himself first over all others, a man who breaks his vows, leads a double life, has no honor or integrity. Do you think the first time he has acted like this was when he slept with another woman? Nope. That's him. If one person in the marriage is leading a double life, the other person may not know what exactly is happening but the effects are the same. A wall where there should be openness, distance where their should be intimacy and so on.

Tell your wife about the affair now so she can live a life she deserves.

Wrong. Mid-50s man here. My advice to other men: ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Women don't respect a man who doesn't put himself first. Kids don't respect a man who doesn't put himself first. You boss doesn't respect someone who doesn't put himself first.

I spent most of my life being a nice guy and putting myself second, third, fourth. Both at home, and at work. I'm changing, and I find I'm being treated better when I put myself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.

My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.

I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.

This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.

OP. You're in the honeymoon period with this new woman, of course she seems perfect and amazing and every moment with her is magic. Boring old wife and your 20-year-old connection cannot compare to the high of new love. I promise - PROMISE - that once you get to know one another, there will be things you don't like about her and things she won't like about you. There will be moments you will feel alone and misunderstood. Life will get monotonous with her, too. You can't imagine it now, but it will.

You will have broken your wife's heart, your kids' hearts, and don't forget your extended families too. So... be really, really sure that this isn't just infatuation. Think really long and hard about what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

Find an honorable process (a therapist?) to working to understand what is happening. OP, over the course of a long marriage the feelings you describe (for wife not liking you, for this woman,all of it) are not uncommon and it is human. You're not alone. But your choices now can have a profound emotional impact on your entire family and yes, your wider circle. Talk to a trusted married friend if you have a good one. You're infatuated...This woman has big flaws too, promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.

My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.

I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.

This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.

You ARE a monster, though. Not for wanting to divorce, but for doing it in the most cliched, damaging way possible.

If you want to stop being a monster, stop the affair. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you handle your wife getting a second wind via an affair or new SO post divorce? Word spreading through your family and social circle that your midlife crisis is wreaking havoc on your family?

I’m a single woman who had an emotional affair (we also made out but no sex, thanks to me) with a married man years ago. Lasted about a year. Wasn’t looking for it, didn’t know he was married initially. I cut things off abruptly before it progressed physically (matter of time) and because I deserved someone available. Amazing chemistry though. I know of the feeling you describe. I really appreciated him and found him beautiful and I could tell he was hooked on the admiration.

I think you need to have a difficult conversation at home about the state of your marriage. I’m not encouraging you to fess up, but to get to the root of the problem. You’re not a victim. You’ve grown complacent in your resentment. If sex isn’t happening, talk about how it makes you feel when you’re rejected. You’re taking a major risk here which could blow up several lives.

"the root of the problem", he doesn't need to talk about that, he needs to look in the mirror. There is the root. He is a man who lies to people he supposedly loves, a man who puts himself first over all others, a man who breaks his vows, leads a double life, has no honor or integrity. Do you think the first time he has acted like this was when he slept with another woman? Nope. That's him. If one person in the marriage is leading a double life, the other person may not know what exactly is happening but the effects are the same. A wall where there should be openness, distance where their should be intimacy and so on.

Tell your wife about the affair now so she can live a life she deserves.

Wrong. Mid-50s man here. My advice to other men: ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Women don't respect a man who doesn't put himself first. Kids don't respect a man who doesn't put himself first. You boss doesn't respect someone who doesn't put himself first.

I spent most of my life being a nice guy and putting myself second, third, fourth. Both at home, and at work. I'm changing, and I find I'm being treated better when I put myself first.

What are you talking about? I think you're confused.

[Anonymous]

We should make a list of all the cliche things this OP is doing...

blameshifting (he's not a monster, the wife is, hwo dare she be fit and make as much money as him)
he's doing the pick me dance (to boost this broken ego, who should I pick, who should I pick)
midlife crisis
cake eater (nice wife, stable kids, using a woman he claims to care about)
soulmate (in OP's defense he said he feels alive... but it so close to "soulmate")
insecurity (I swear, my wife doesn't love me anymore and I feel sad and weak because of it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you handle your wife getting a second wind via an affair or new SO post divorce? Word spreading through your family and social circle that your midlife crisis is wreaking havoc on your family?

I’m a single woman who had an emotional affair (we also made out but no sex, thanks to me) with a married man years ago. Lasted about a year. Wasn’t looking for it, didn’t know he was married initially. I cut things off abruptly before it progressed physically (matter of time) and because I deserved someone available. Amazing chemistry though. I know of the feeling you describe. I really appreciated him and found him beautiful and I could tell he was hooked on the admiration.

I think you need to have a difficult conversation at home about the state of your marriage. I’m not encouraging you to fess up, but to get to the root of the problem. You’re not a victim. You’ve grown complacent in your resentment. If sex isn’t happening, talk about how it makes you feel when you’re rejected. You’re taking a major risk here which could blow up several lives.

"the root of the problem", he doesn't need to talk about that, he needs to look in the mirror. There is the root. He is a man who lies to people he supposedly loves, a man who puts himself first over all others, a man who breaks his vows, leads a double life, has no honor or integrity. Do you think the first time he has acted like this was when he slept with another woman? Nope. That's him. If one person in the marriage is leading a double life, the other person may not know what exactly is happening but the effects are the same. A wall where there should be openness, distance where their should be intimacy and so on.

Tell your wife about the affair now so she can live a life she deserves.

Wrong. Mid-50s man here. My advice to other men: ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Women don't respect a man who doesn't put himself first. Kids don't respect a man who doesn't put himself first. You boss doesn't respect someone who doesn't put himself first.

I spent most of my life being a nice guy and putting myself second, third, fourth. Both at home, and at work. I'm changing, and I find I'm being treated better when I put myself first.

What are you talking about? I think you're confused.

You didn't follow.

Stop 2: Date your 20-something year old son's girlfriend... they respect that... put yourself 1st.

The mental gymnastics these people do to justify being a d*ck is amazing.

[Anonymous]

You screwed up, OP. Should've held out for just a few more years, tried one last time to work on your marriage, and then been honest with your wife if you wanted out.

But unless you can quit this woman cold turkey, you're in a big mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find an honorable process (a therapist?) to working to understand what is happening. OP, over the course of a long marriage the feelings you describe (for wife not liking you, for this woman,all of it) are not uncommon and it is human. You're not alone. But your choices now can have a profound emotional impact on your entire family and yes, your wider circle. Talk to a trusted married friend if you have a good one. You're infatuated...This woman has big flaws too, promise.

+1

Flaw #1 being that she pursued/made herself available to a married man with children.

[Anonymous]

Going down this path isn't going to make your wife like you more or make you more connected. Like, however bad you think it is now, it's about to get a whole lot worse. She's going to have legitimate reasons to hate you. If you're using this as a way to escape from your marriage, that's one thing, but if you actually want to connect with your wife, putting half as much energy into your marriage as you're putting into the affair and justifying the affair would be a lot more effective.

[Anonymous]

You are human and your feelings are normal. But the infatuation will fade and then your good life may be irrevocably damaged. You need a therapist as you are on the verge of making a terrible mistake.

[Anonymous]

OP - you make it sound like this "happened" to you ... oh poor me, this just happened.

You choose. You choose what person you want to be.