Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am

[Anonymous]

OP, it's time for you to decide what kind of man you are going to be and then be it. Your experience of feeling distant from your spouse, being noticed by a wonderfully mysterious new person, etc-- this is not unique. What you're going through isn't special or remarkable. But you know how it's wrong for other people to do this? It's wrong for you too. You know this is wrong. Go to whatever higher power uou you have, and repent. You are being lulled into destruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We should make a list of all the cliche things this OP is doing...

blameshifting (he's not a monster, the wife is, hwo dare she be fit and make as much money as him)
he's doing the pick me dance (to boost this broken ego, who should I pick, who should I pick)
midlife crisis
cake eater (nice wife, stable kids, using a woman he claims to care about)
soulmate (in OP's defense he said he feels alive... but it so close to "soulmate")
insecurity (I swear, my wife doesn't love me anymore and I feel sad and weak because of it.)

You forget getting sloppy drunk with an attractive woman he just met on a trip and things “just happened” Did I pick the right side eye/eye roll emoji for that one?

[Anonymous]

You are that guy.

[Anonymous]

OP, that whole “my wife is fine but doesn’t like me and I can’t see 40 more years with her but how do you start over ont be wrong side of 45” thing you said...

That’s a midlife crisis. You’re 45 and realizing there’s no fresh beginnings. Just a series of continuing down paths you’ve created or blowing them up and starting over again with a bunch of shit and baggage hanging over you. We are wired to hate this because it does suck. Totally normal of course but if you remind yourself over and over again this is a normal human response to reaching this point in life it might help take away some of that impulse to do anything about this. Have your crush, enjoy it, eventually it’ll fade, don’t ruin your life over it.

[Anonymous]

It will fade...you have not seen the reality of this new person; the parts of her that are self-involved, narcissistic, irrational....you know, human basically. If she's breathing, she has this side. You're exchanging one set of issues for another, yes, hence your hesitancy.

[Anonymous]

Your life is not an endless summer.

Spring time is over. Summer too. Enjoy the fall; it can be quite pleasant. Why don’t you work on your interests, ways to be happy within your marriage, and try to be the man that impresses your wife again?

[Anonymous]

Go read about Affair Fog. Especially the stories of people coming out of the fog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will fade...you have not seen the reality of this new person; the parts of her that are self-involved, narcissistic, irrational....you know, human basically. If she's breathing, she has this side. You're exchanging one set of issues for another, yes, hence your hesitancy.

Well said. I'm one of the few I know that is still married. And we can actually afford to retire and travel. Others have blown up their lives and finances over garbage. One friend age 47 decided to have an
affair, never would have believed it. Had every excuse, ended up leaving her husband for a total jerk against everyones advice. About a year later she called me saying she made a huge mistake. Tried to go back to her husband who already moved on. Sure she had more sex, but all the other problems came to light. Another acquaintance went through another divorce recently. Are there some that end up happy? I'm sure there are but the percentage is pretty small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will fade...you have not seen the reality of this new person; the parts of her that are self-involved, narcissistic, irrational....you know, human basically. If she's breathing, she has this side. You're exchanging one set of issues for another, yes, hence your hesitancy.

This is the best advice.

Not proud to admit but I had a long term affair. You think you found the one, but after about 2 years you start settling into the same routine. Thank goodness I didn't get caught and was able to resume my life. Was it amazing to feel that rush again and have crazy sex? Sure. But not worth throwing it all away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.

My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.

I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.

This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.

This sounds like it was written by a woman. I don't believe OP is a man. Starting to think Troll McTrollface is back.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’ve reflected a lot. Cut contact with this other woman and am going to honestly work on my relationship with my wife. Becoming sober and headed back to therapy, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And saddest too for your wife, who does not deserve an ounce of it.

who's to say the wife isn't getting some action on the side too? OP said she's made him feel distant. that's a tell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve reflected a lot. Cut contact with this other woman and am going to honestly work on my relationship with my wife. Becoming sober and headed back to therapy, too.

How did she react to you ending it with her?

How do you know she won’t try to either restart the affair or blow up your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve reflected a lot. Cut contact with this other woman and am going to honestly work on my relationship with my wife. Becoming sober and headed back to therapy, too.

How did she react to you ending it with her?

How do you know she won’t try to either restart the affair or blow up your life?

She accepted it.

I don’t know, but can only make the right decisions going forward.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t felt this alive in a long time. I don’t know what to do.

Simple: buy a Panama hat and get your party on, big-style.