Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are human and your feelings are normal. But the infatuation will fade and then your good life may be irrevocably damaged. You need a therapist as you are on the verge of making a terrible mistake.

OP already knows he made a mistake. He’s asking DCUM if it is all right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.

My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.

I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.

This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.

OP, I'm a female and not a fan of cheating but I'm trying to be constructive here. I can understand everything you wrote. In a long term marriage or relationship the excitement fades, we often stop trying like we did in the beginning and our attention is split between kids and spouse. It happens over time and it happens to a lot of us. The one thing I can't get pasts with you is that you crossed the line of having sex before you told your wife you weren't happy and wanted out. That's what I fault you for. Now that you've done it I suggest you be fair to your wife since you claim to have love for her. Tell her the truth and let her make an informed choice. That would keep you from being a "monster" in my eyes.

[Anonymous]

My wife just doesn’t like some things about me

Oh poor Op. Don't indulge his nonsense.

[Anonymous]

OP stand back and try to think rationally.

What kind of woman would sleep with a married guy? That says enough about her. And sadly you! No stranger is worth your family.

I can't tell you how many people we know around your age that have destroyed their lives. Some of their kids have distanced themselves from the cheating parent. One I know the OW purposely got pregnant. After his wife and kids threw him out of the home he went to her. Doubt he will ever retire having to pay for 2 families.

[Anonymous]

You have damaged the fidelity in your marriage. Even if your wife never finds out....you can never now say or experience the previous trust and innocence in your marriage. What a profoundly sad thing. Even if you and your wife repair...what you had and who you were are over. This is why you feel lost....you lost a great deal. Turn around and stop digging this ugly dark hole....it feels good, but you are entrenched in a dark thing. Sad for you and your children....have bern there.

[Anonymous]

And saddest too for your wife, who does not deserve an ounce of it.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. Great chance for the wild new relationship sex. Will be exhilarating. And may be the future Mrs for you. Enjoy! Oh and ignore all the haters here who are not looking out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

No actually the kids won't just "get over it". It will affect their view on love, marriage, relationships. A whole group of 20 & 30 somethings afraid to get marriage & are having kids outside of marriage because they are "afraid of commitment". (like kids aren't a commitment..lol)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

No actually the kids won't just "get over it". It will affect their view on love, marriage, relationships. A whole group of 20 & 30 somethings afraid to get marriage & are having kids outside of marriage because they are "afraid of commitment". (like kids aren't a commitment..lol)

Tru... That and they will rarely see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

No actually the kids won't just "get over it". It will affect their view on love, marriage, relationships. A whole group of 20 & 30 somethings afraid to get marriage & are having kids outside of marriage because they are "afraid of commitment". (like kids aren't a commitment..lol)

This is all wishful thinking. My ex wife cheated on me and left me and the two kids to get an apartment. Five years later the kids are still stable and my kids are completely fine. You don’t have to believe me, but trust me, they are totally fine and developing nicely. It just takes involved parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

No actually the kids won't just "get over it". It will affect their view on love, marriage, relationships. A whole group of 20 & 30 somethings afraid to get marriage & are having kids outside of marriage because they are "afraid of commitment". (like kids aren't a commitment..lol)

This is all wishful thinking. My ex wife cheated on me and left me and the two kids to get an apartment. Five years later the kids are still stable and my kids are completely fine. You don’t have to believe me, but trust me, they are totally fine and developing nicely. It just takes involved parenting.

I was that kid. I leave my dad out of it to spare him the drama, but believe me, I will never respect or trust my mother like I did before. He has no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you know, there are consequences to everything. The consequence of feeling this “alive” with your new attraction is that you will precipitate a divorce and your children will be hurt and resentful of you for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to be one of those guys then don’t be one of those guys. Or be that guy, but take responsibility for the pain you inflict.

As much as we hate to believe it, people eventually move on an heal after divorce and kids can get over it.

Kids grow up and move on. They really have to like the parent to see them more than the obligatory holidays.

Yes they will get over it and move on without you if that is what you want.

No actually the kids won't just "get over it". It will affect their view on love, marriage, relationships. A whole group of 20 & 30 somethings afraid to get marriage & are having kids outside of marriage because they are "afraid of commitment". (like kids aren't a commitment..lol)

This is all wishful thinking. My ex wife cheated on me and left me and the two kids to get an apartment. Five years later the kids are still stable and my kids are completely fine. You don’t have to believe me, but trust me, they are totally fine and developing nicely. It just takes involved parenting.

Wishful thinking? WTF!

They just don’t tell you everything. I’m sorry your wife cheated but I doubt your kids tell you everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.

My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.

I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.

This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.

1) of course there are some things your wife doesn't like about you. No one likes anyone else 100%. Anyone you know that well there will be something you don't like about them. The relevant questions are whether your wife doesn't like some things that you think are fundamental to your self in a way that someone who doesn't like them can't really like you and/or whether your both recognize that the things she doesn't like about you are small potatoes in the grand scheme of life. Personally, I know that the things that drive me nuts about my DH are "too much" of exactly the things that made me want to marry him in the first place. I wish he'd be a little less extreme in these traits, but they are also things that make him who he is and make him a really good person. So, are there some things I don't like about him? Of course. Are the consequential in the grand scheme of a life together? no. They are part of what makes him him, and part and parcel of all of the good qualities I value in him.

2) of course it's nice to feel noticed and appreciated. That is something you can easily work on in a marriage if there is actual taking for granted going on. That is also something that can change if you successfully deal with and wear down old grievances and resentments. OR, there is a certain type of being noticed and appreciated that can only come from someone new - if you are feeling it so much just because it's a new person who thinks you're pretty great, that is the classic "shiny new object" feeling that is not going to last and that you just have to get over and give up. Does it feel really good? Yes. If it's something you can't live without then you have to blow up your life for it. If you don't want to blow up your life for it then you make a rational, thoughtful decision and just don't put yourself in a situation where the temptation is there.

[Anonymous]

I recommend you read the writings of wives after they learn of their husband's infidelity. It is a deep and profoundly painful experience, if you have not been through it, you will be inclined to under estimate the depth of the betrayal, and pain, I know I did. When you see the pain you have inflicted, whenthat pain brings your wife to her knees....you too will feel great pain and shame, unless you truly have no conscience, but it sounds like you do. End it.

[Anonymous]

Work on your marriage.