Stepdaughter wants to move in full time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so strange. OP says SD wants to move in b/c she doesn't feel comfortable at her mom's new house and everyone jumps to "the step dad is sexually abusing her." WTF?

First of all, the whole "move in full time" thing doesn't mean she won't ever be going back to mom's house. It just means they'll more likely switch to an every other weekend type of visitation schedule so it's not like she'll NEVER be in her mom's house again.

Second, mom has to agree to this or dad has to convince the courts that this is best for the child. If mom's getting child support, she may fight the change tooth and nail.

Third, you have to get to the bottom of what's going on at mom's house that SD doesn't feel comfortable there. Teens are very self centered and often times only see their own point of view in a given situation. What's actually happening may be very different that what she says is happening. This is easily resolved by having a conversation among the adults and also saying to SD "we'd love to have you here but let's get to the bottom of what's going on at your mom's house b/c you'll still be spending time there too and we want to make sure you're comfortable when you see her for visits."

You know what else is strange? Everything you said had previously been said by other posters upthread. But you act like you are the first to say them.

This entire post is people saying the same thing over and over and over again talking about sexual abuse and only one or two sporadic voices of reason mixed in here and there. I lent my support to the voice of reason side. Why is this a problem for you?

[Anonymous]

You have to let her move in. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so strange. OP says SD wants to move in b/c she doesn't feel comfortable at her mom's new house and everyone jumps to "the step dad is sexually abusing her." WTF?

First of all, the whole "move in full time" thing doesn't mean she won't ever be going back to mom's house. It just means they'll more likely switch to an every other weekend type of visitation schedule so it's not like she'll NEVER be in her mom's house again.

Second, mom has to agree to this or dad has to convince the courts that this is best for the child. If mom's getting child support, she may fight the change tooth and nail.

Third, you have to get to the bottom of what's going on at mom's house that SD doesn't feel comfortable there. Teens are very self centered and often times only see their own point of view in a given situation. What's actually happening may be very different that what she says is happening. This is easily resolved by having a conversation among the adults and also saying to SD "we'd love to have you here but let's get to the bottom of what's going on at your mom's house b/c you'll still be spending time there too and we want to make sure you're comfortable when you see her for visits."

A voice of reason.

[Anonymous]

Quite dramatic to assume some kind of abuse. This is a typical teen situation between divorced parents. We had a ex many years ago who wanted full custody, never fought it Worked out quite well. Once he got to the teen age she wanted him to live with us, lol. He wasn't as easy, plus he didn't want to live with us. We had 2 small kids, a home business, and no room at the time.

As a married couple living together it's a decision that requires both to be on board. No one gets to move anyone in the home be it a uncle, friend, or relative without the other spouses approval. OP she needs to try and get along with the new step dad. Not manipulate the grownups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quite dramatic to assume some kind of abuse. This is a typical teen situation between divorced parents. We had a ex many years ago who wanted full custody, never fought it Worked out quite well. Once he got to the teen age she wanted him to live with us, lol. He wasn't as easy, plus he didn't want to live with us. We had 2 small kids, a home business, and no room at the time.

As a married couple living together it's a decision that requires both to be on board. No one gets to move anyone in the home be it a uncle, friend, or relative without the other spouses approval. OP she needs to try and get along with the new step dad. Not manipulate the grownups.

You are a peach. OP is the stepmother and both the SD and DH want this. Regardless of abuse, the best interests of the child can, and often do, change over time. Marrying a man with children is acknowledgment and approval of this, IMHO. OP doesn't have a veto unless SD is a danger to her or to other children in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your stepdaughter is being abused and you don’t want to protect her from that abuse? Wow.

Not only that, stepdads are high on the list of potential abusers of daughters. If she is not comfortable living with him, give her a safe place to go.

+1

OP, this is a package deal, and on some level you knew that when you married a man with a child.

Why are you even questioning this?

+2. If she’s the least bit uncomfortable with mom’s new husband, she should live where she feels safe and wanted. You might need to move out OP, so your DH can give his DD that.

This is so stupid. Why should the OP move out when the house is also under her name????? There is nothing to suggest that the girl is being abused or in danger.

LOL I agree sounds like spoiled teen doesn't like mom's new husband. And she's going to show her!

OP moving her in is only helping to strain the relationship with her new step-father. Keep the arrangement you have. If you move her in she'll pull the same thing at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quite dramatic to assume some kind of abuse. This is a typical teen situation between divorced parents. We had a ex many years ago who wanted full custody, never fought it Worked out quite well. Once he got to the teen age she wanted him to live with us, lol. He wasn't as easy, plus he didn't want to live with us. We had 2 small kids, a home business, and no room at the time.

As a married couple living together it's a decision that requires both to be on board. No one gets to move anyone in the home be it a uncle, friend, or relative without the other spouses approval. OP she needs to try and get along with the new step dad. Not manipulate the grownups.

You are a peach. OP is the stepmother and both the SD and DH want this. Regardless of abuse, the best interests of the child can, and often do, change over time. Marrying a man with children is acknowledgment and approval of this, IMHO. OP doesn't have a veto unless SD is a danger to her or to other children in the house.

Like wise. As adults who are in charge of children they decide what's best, not the child.

This is something OP and DH will decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quite dramatic to assume some kind of abuse. This is a typical teen situation between divorced parents. We had a ex many years ago who wanted full custody, never fought it Worked out quite well. Once he got to the teen age she wanted him to live with us, lol. He wasn't as easy, plus he didn't want to live with us. We had 2 small kids, a home business, and no room at the time.

As a married couple living together it's a decision that requires both to be on board. No one gets to move anyone in the home be it a uncle, friend, or relative without the other spouses approval. OP she needs to try and get along with the new step dad. Not manipulate the grownups.

You are a peach. OP is the stepmother and both the SD and DH want this. Regardless of abuse, the best interests of the child can, and often do, change over time. Marrying a man with children is acknowledgment and approval of this, IMHO. OP doesn't have a veto unless SD is a danger to her or to other children in the house.

Like wise. As adults who are in charge of children they decide what's best, not the child.

This is something OP and DH will decide.

Seems like step mom knows what is best, for her.

[Anonymous]

When you marry someone divorced with children, you need to recognize that at any second, those kids could be yours full-time. Life is unpredictable. There are car accidents, illnesses, etc.

How this possibility did not occur to you prior to marrying your husband is truly astounding to me. It seems pretty basic. I mean, truly, how can that possibility not cross your mind? And, of course, a decent person would never marry someone if they felt they wouldn't want to take their kids on full-time if circumstances changed.

If you did think about it, and you married him anyway just hoping it wouldn't happen, well, you're an ass and an idiot.

Either way, you don't have standing to tell your husband you don't want this. This is his kid. What kind of person would you be to tell him his child cannot live with him?

Maybe this is your penance for not making decisions like a grown-up.

[Anonymous]

"you have to get to the bottom of what's going on at mom's house that SD doesn't feel comfortable there. Teens are very self centered and often times only see their own point of view in a given situation. What's actually happening may be very different that what she says is happening. This is easily resolved by having a conversation among the adults and also saying to SD "we'd love to have you here but let's get to the bottom of what's going on at your mom's house b/c you'll still be spending time there too and we want to make sure you're comfortable when you see her for visits."

This is what I would do.....teenagers tend to twist facts to their own advantage and she is probably acting out at home and that is why she is confined to her room. Have your DH chat with bio mom to get to the bottom of this. I have a step-DD and she is constantly wants to be #1 in the house. She lives with us full time, as bio-mom is not a capable adult. The tears get turned on every time she does not get things her way and my DH falls for it a lot. She tried to pull a fast one the other day by completely twisting my kind words towards her and going behind my back to complain to my DH (her father) of me being unkind and not caring. She forgot my MIL heard the original convo and my MIL stood by me and set the record straight. My step-DD always tries to do silly things, like get in the front seat of the car....to force me to ride in the back. I make her move to the back....every single time.

You have every right to keep the current arrangement going "as is."

--signed, fellow step-mom.

[Anonymous]

OP here, her issue is she’s upset that her mom is pregnant and she thinks her mom will forget all about her when the baby is born. My husband told her she’s overreacting and that they’ll continue with the current arrangement for now and will revisit the issue when the baby gets here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, her issue is she’s upset that her mom is pregnant and she thinks her mom will forget all about her when the baby is born. My husband told her she’s overreacting and that they’ll continue with the current arrangement for now and will revisit the issue when the baby gets here.

Her parents turned her life as she knew it upside-down and are being the opposite of responsive. Nor is her stepmom open, loving and welcoming.

I feel terrible for your stepdaughter. Shame on you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All four people need to meet and discuss this together. Why are people shitting on the OP when it's the new stepdad who is also the problem?

Because OPs daughter is not asking to live with stepdad. She is asking to live with her real dad and his wife.

Yes, but the OP's daughter can't just willy nilly choose a parent without a valid reason.

Sure she can.

They are her parents.

Their only response should be "Yes, of course. We would love to have you."

This is why we have an issue with entitled children with no coping skills to manage any type of discomfort. If the child is being abused, then she should be removed from her mother's home. However, there does not appear to be any direct evidence of that according to OP. Many of you act as though you have never interacted with teenagers before. The parents all need to sit down and talk, find a good therapist, and work it out. Why would you want to teach your children that they never have to deal with any type of adversity or conflict? You are setting them up to be incapable adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, her issue is she’s upset that her mom is pregnant and she thinks her mom will forget all about her when the baby is born. My husband told her she’s overreacting and that they’ll continue with the current arrangement for now and will revisit the issue when the baby gets here.

I am the PP from above, a fellow step-mom.....we went through the same ordeal and my step-DD still has these issues after two more kids. She is used to being "the one and only" and she feels slighted (for no reason/completely overreacting). We actually spend more time shuttling her around and she has more activities than the younger kids and understandable so since she is 16. This is the conversation bio-mom and dad need to have with her to make it clear it is not so and foster a loving relationship between her and the new baby. She can be the "big sis" and set the example. If the child is extremely self-centered, she will need therapy to overcome this. My step-DD still feels "slighted" even though her needs are completely different and more time and resources are spent on her than my own bio-kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? I can't imagine turning down that request.

This. How old is the daughter??