Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

3-5 show that you don't actually talk to any SAHMs.

Not true. My SAHM friends do most of the housework and they aren’t contributing to a 401k.

But won’t they get half of their husbands 401k if they divorce?

It depends. Most likely, yes, but it isn’t guaranteed. Regardless contributing to two 401ks is better than only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

3-5 show that you don't actually talk to any SAHMs.

Not true. My SAHM friends do most of the housework and they aren’t contributing to a 401k.

But won’t they get half of their husbands 401k if they divorce?

It depends. Most likely, yes, but it isn’t guaranteed. Regardless contributing to two 401ks is better than only one.

Have we even established that OP has a 401K that she contributes to now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone! OP here. I see both sides of the coin so I'll wait and decide after my 4 weeks of unpaid leave is up - also I might not have a choice really as there is rumbles of layoffs coming which is stressful to hear 8 months pregnant. That is part of what sparked this - the what if I'm unemployed shortly (various coworkers too so won't have a pregnancy complaint)?

I was unemployed years ago for about a year during the recession, and I remember feeling guilty as I was home while my DH worked. I primarily worry that I might feel guilty again, and that I might put added stress on DH which I don't want to do given we have enough in our lives.

I think both WOH and SAH moms are very important and play their roles. I think if you're a feminist that beyond just the notion of equality, you should push for choice and support that we have employment choices no matter which one a lady chooses.

My DH is wonderful and very appreciate of everything that I contribute to our partnership. Just as I appreciate his work hustle. We're a team. It's been 16 years so hard to imagine life without each other, which we remark a fair amount.

Don’t worry about feeling guilty that you are at home taking care of the baby. From my own experience, it’s your husband who will feel bad leaving you alone to navigate first time parenthood while he goes into the office. Babies are tough.

[Anonymous]

I wish someone had given me this advice: I don't recommend staying home with the kids to anyone unless they have significant financial resources of their own, apart from their spouse, or a job that they know they can re-enter easily, if that exists. Otherwise you are taking a big risk to become dependent on a spouse. The employed spouse can leave for someone else and be fine because they can support themselves, leaving the stay-at-home spouse scrambling to find a job after years out of the workforce. It happens every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

3-5 show that you don't actually talk to any SAHMs.

Not true. My SAHM friends do most of the housework and they aren’t contributing to a 401k.

It has been established that OP is already doing all (ALL.) house-related things already. Try to focus and answer the question that is actually asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone had given me this advice: I don't recommend staying home with the kids to anyone unless they have significant financial resources of their own, apart from their spouse, or a job that they know they can re-enter easily, if that exists. Otherwise you are taking a big risk to become dependent on a spouse. The employed spouse can leave for someone else and be fine because they can support themselves, leaving the stay-at-home spouse scrambling to find a job after years out of the workforce. It happens every day.

+1. Not sure why any woman would put herself in this position

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

Absolutely agree. I really wish I could have stayed home's (couldn't afford to) - it felt absolutely unnatural to ship my kids off ALL day, and daycare is very rough on babies / toddlers. It's hard.

And yes, all of our friends who have divorced are dual income families, and I agree there's something to the idea that that lifestyle breeds resentment (and stress)

[Anonymous]

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM OP. Maybe make a plan that you'll go back to work when your child starts preschool or something. Your income isn't contributing anything and working to pay for daycare is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

Absolutely agree. I really wish I could have stayed home's (couldn't afford to) - it felt absolutely unnatural to ship my kids off ALL day, and daycare is very rough on babies / toddlers. It's hard.

And yes, all of our friends who have divorced are dual income families, and I agree there's something to the idea that that lifestyle breeds resentment (and stress)

It’s not too hard to figure out that a SAHM is less likely to divorce her husband. She isn’t working and would probably be forced by the courts to get a job. Most divorces are initiated by women. It’s like saying there aren’t many divorced in Saudi Arabia. I doubt it’s because they have such great lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

Absolutely agree. I really wish I could have stayed home's (couldn't afford to) - it felt absolutely unnatural to ship my kids off ALL day, and daycare is very rough on babies / toddlers. It's hard.

And yes, all of our friends who have divorced are dual income families, and I agree there's something to the idea that that lifestyle breeds resentment (and stress)

You can’t compare the rate of divorce of a sahm couple vs a dual working couple. Given that women are most likely the initiaters of divorces, of course the rate of divorce for the dual working couple will be higher. Women in those marriages actually HAVE the option to leave because they can financially support themselves. Sahms may want to leave but often they can’t because they can not support themselves if they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

Absolutely agree. I really wish I could have stayed home's (couldn't afford to) - it felt absolutely unnatural to ship my kids off ALL day, and daycare is very rough on babies / toddlers. It's hard.

And yes, all of our friends who have divorced are dual income families, and I agree there's something to the idea that that lifestyle breeds resentment (and stress)

You can’t compare the rate of divorce of a sahm couple vs a dual working couple. Given that women are most likely the initiaters of divorces, of course the rate of divorce for the dual working couple will be higher. Women in those marriages actually HAVE the option to leave because they can financially support themselves. Sahms may want to leave but often they can’t because they can not support themselves if they did.

+1. As a SAHM you don’t have many, if any, options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone! OP here. I see both sides of the coin so I'll wait and decide after my 4 weeks of unpaid leave is up - also I might not have a choice really as there is rumbles of layoffs coming which is stressful to hear 8 months pregnant. That is part of what sparked this - the what if I'm unemployed shortly (various coworkers too so won't have a pregnancy complaint)?

I was unemployed years ago for about a year during the recession, and I remember feeling guilty as I was home while my DH worked. I primarily worry that I might feel guilty again, and that I might put added stress on DH which I don't want to do given we have enough in our lives.

I think both WOH and SAH moms are very important and play their roles. I think if you're a feminist that beyond just the notion of equality, you should push for choice and support that we have employment choices no matter which one a lady chooses.

My DH is wonderful and very appreciate of everything that I contribute to our partnership. Just as I appreciate his work hustle. We're a team. It's been 16 years so hard to imagine life without each other, which we remark a fair amount.

Don’t worry about feeling guilty that you are at home taking care of the baby. From my own experience, it’s your husband who will feel bad leaving you alone to navigate first time parenthood while he goes into the office. Babies are tough.

This. Taking care of an infant and the household is a full time job. Some people enjoy it, and some people don’t. There is no way to tell which camp you will fall in.
But I guarantee that you will not feel like you are sitting around doing nothing while your husband is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

Absolutely agree. I really wish I could have stayed home's (couldn't afford to) - it felt absolutely unnatural to ship my kids off ALL day, and daycare is very rough on babies / toddlers. It's hard.

And yes, all of our friends who have divorced are dual income families, and I agree there's something to the idea that that lifestyle breeds resentment (and stress)

Well, all of our friends who have divorced had a SAHM. See how useless that information is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

Absolutely agree. I really wish I could have stayed home's (couldn't afford to) - it felt absolutely unnatural to ship my kids off ALL day, and daycare is very rough on babies / toddlers. It's hard.

And yes, all of our friends who have divorced are dual income families, and I agree there's something to the idea that that lifestyle breeds resentment (and stress)

Well, all of our friends who have divorced had a SAHM. See how useless that information is?

And what happened to them all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this has been discussed before. I'm expecting my first DC in less than a month (we're mid 30s; married 10 years), and daycare is going to cost more than my income. I work at a NGO and make 35k/year. DH is a big law associate (6L) and works long hours in litigation. I already have to do everything around the house although we do pay for cleaners to help once a month - and when I say everything I mean everything, such as I painted the house when we first bought it, fix broken things, take care of the yard/mow, grocery stop/pack lunches, etc. I got no issues doing it all because my DH is very appreciative and constantly shows it; also there is no fixing this beyond only adding more help - lawn people, more frequently cleaning, handymen, etc. Maybe it's my tired, pregnant brain, but I'm considering staying home once we add a kid to the mix.

So my question is, how are people's relationships affected if one is a stay at home?

Haven't you two talked about this already?
Maybe do it with a third party (rabbi, priest, counselor) and get down some personal and family goals for the short, medium and long term. THen talk about how congruent these goals are or are not.

If you know you are married to a workaholic potential rainmaker, he is never going to do things around the house unless YOU make it a family goal. Heck, he might even dial it down to a Fed atty or in-house counsel job which pay just fine, have more reasonable hours, and allow him to be a more involved spouse and father. What are his goals? What does he want his role to be in his own family? Just a paycheck? A thankful and grateful paycheck? Someone has to manage the homefront, raise the kids, plan the schedule. And it's not all outsourceable.

What did his parents do?

Finally, what are your goals? If you aren't planning a higher paying promotion or job step then that has to factor in b/c $35k W-2 income for 40 hours of work is very low. I say this as someone who has worked at non-profits but made $200k/year since age 30, w grad degree. If you just want a lifestyle NGO and are not accountable for ROI for donor funds or demonstrating what the donations did for the cause (i.e. Gates Foundation), then leaving the work force is NBD.