Frustrated with preferential treatment

[Anonymous]

I signed up as Room Parent in Kindergarten and have been very involved, either as a Room Parent or PTA Board member, every year.

I certainly didn't do it for preferential treatment. I did it to help, and I'm glad I was able to. I know that coming into school and being with a bunch of kids is not a lot of people's idea of a relaxing afternoon, nor is planning a party, or buying snacks at the last minute when they are needed. I'm just there to help the teacher, and I hope that my work shows that I care about the kids, the teacher, the class and the school community. I also think it's important to show my kids that I'm involved at their school. Remember, you are there to help. Let your hard work or involvement be the example that you should be more involved.

Like a lot of posters have said, I think teachers DO pick the known commodity. I think as the years roll on in Elementary School, it not only gets harder to find room parents, but the levels of participation drop dramatically, whether it's monetarily or physical in-class presence. So if teachers need to choose someone who is going to know 3/4 of the parents and they can work personal relationships to get things done, they are going to take the path of least resistance. For what it's worth, I was always given the sheets where people had volunteered to be room parent, and I always reached out to them and asked them to help at parties, planning, etc.

OP, try to get involved and just keep staying involved. Talk to more people, volunteer with them, reach out to the PTA and ask where you can help, and I promise it will be noticed. Any good organization is always looking for new volunteers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ If she cant give me three minutes of her time, why should I give her $200 of mine? I agree it’s probably a bit petty but oh well. I wanted it to go to someone who appreciated it.

Seriously?!?! Seriously? She has probably 25 students! Do you have ANY concept of how much work she has to do every single afternoon the first few weeks of school?!? I wouldn’t claim 3 minutes of a teacher’s time to thank me for actually volunteering at an event around that time of year. You’re expecting an effing thank you just for singing your name in a pice of paper, not actually *doing* anything? It took you literally 3 seconds to write your name and you think the teacher peers you exponentially more effort in return?!?

You are bonkers and I’m sure this teacher would forgo a decade’s worth of card stock to have avoided having you as a room parent. Yikes! The maintenance!

That was not OP. She started it as Np.

Np here.

I also signed upfirst to be a room parent for my child’s class. There were three spaces for volunteers for this job. I agree that just because I signed up first that I should not automatically be asigned. WHat does upset me is that I didn’t even get an email thanking me for at least signing up for quite a large commitment and that she ultimately chose someone else. That would have been the polite thing to do.

With that said, I had 12 reams of color cardstock that I orders on sale over the summer that i was going to donate to her. With no acknowledgement, I ended up giving it all to my daughter’s teacher from last year.

And no I am not buying my way for my daughter. She makes straight As and is praised for her behavior in class. She is responsible for her own accolades.


Response: You withheld a donation to the classroom because you're all butthurt that the teacher didn't email you to say thank you in the first two or three weeks of the school year when teachers are swamped with all kinds of other beginning-of-year stuff? That's petty and the teacher probably dodged a bullet by not picking you, even without the cardstock.


NP: If she cant give me three minutes of her time, why should I give her $200 of mine? I agree it’s probably a bit petty but oh well. I wanted it to go to someone who appreciated it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I signed up as Room Parent in Kindergarten and have been very involved, either as a Room Parent or PTA Board member, every year.

I certainly didn't do it for preferential treatment. I did it to help, and I'm glad I was able to. I know that coming into school and being with a bunch of kids is not a lot of people's idea of a relaxing afternoon, nor is planning a party, or buying snacks at the last minute when they are needed. I'm just there to help the teacher, and I hope that my work shows that I care about the kids, the teacher, the class and the school community. I also think it's important to show my kids that I'm involved at their school. Remember, you are there to help. Let your hard work or involvement be the example that you should be more involved.

Like a lot of posters have said, I think teachers DO pick the known commodity. I think as the years roll on in Elementary School, it not only gets harder to find room parents, but the levels of participation drop dramatically, whether it's monetarily or physical in-class presence. So if teachers need to choose someone who is going to know 3/4 of the parents and they can work personal relationships to get things done, they are going to take the path of least resistance. For what it's worth, I was always given the sheets where people had volunteered to be room parent, and I always reached out to them and asked them to help at parties, planning, etc.

OP, try to get involved and just keep staying involved. Talk to more people, volunteer with them, reach out to the PTA and ask where you can help, and I promise it will be noticed. Any good organization is always looking for new volunteers.

But if there are all these other parents who signed up to help, why would you be room parent for 7 years and for your second child as well? Couldn't you have allowed a friend to be the room parent for at least the last 3 years? My kid's class has close to 100 kids in it and 10 parents at least on the room parent committee. We have parents at our school who push to be room parent, then PTA president in elementary, PTA president in middle, and so on and they try to push others away so they can have even more control. After a while, yes, people drop off, because they don't want to deal with the drama and feel unwelcomed. But really it's what those parents want, at least at first. By middle maybe they change their minds and want some help but others are too discouraged by that point. There are so many movies (Bad Moms is a recent one) where there are these domineering moms who just like to run and control things. It's a stereotype, and many are not like that, but they do exist which is why it's a stereotype. I see nothing to think that OP was rude or distrustful. She's just annoyed at the Gwendolyn like parents at her school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I signed up as Room Parent in Kindergarten and have been very involved, either as a Room Parent or PTA Board member, every year.

I certainly didn't do it for preferential treatment. I did it to help, and I'm glad I was able to. I know that coming into school and being with a bunch of kids is not a lot of people's idea of a relaxing afternoon, nor is planning a party, or buying snacks at the last minute when they are needed. I'm just there to help the teacher, and I hope that my work shows that I care about the kids, the teacher, the class and the school community. I also think it's important to show my kids that I'm involved at their school. Remember, you are there to help. Let your hard work or involvement be the example that you should be more involved.

Like a lot of posters have said, I think teachers DO pick the known commodity. I think as the years roll on in Elementary School, it not only gets harder to find room parents, but the levels of participation drop dramatically, whether it's monetarily or physical in-class presence. So if teachers need to choose someone who is going to know 3/4 of the parents and they can work personal relationships to get things done, they are going to take the path of least resistance. For what it's worth, I was always given the sheets where people had volunteered to be room parent, and I always reached out to them and asked them to help at parties, planning, etc.

OP, try to get involved and just keep staying involved. Talk to more people, volunteer with them, reach out to the PTA and ask where you can help, and I promise it will be noticed. Any good organization is always looking for new volunteers.


But if there are all these other parents who signed up to help, why would you be room parent for 7 years and for your second child as well? Couldn't you have allowed a friend to be the room parent for at least the last 3 years? My kid's class has close to 100 kids in it and 10 parents at least on the room parent committee. We have parents at our school who push to be room parent, then PTA president in elementary, PTA president in middle, and so on and they try to push others away so they can have even more control. After a while, yes, people drop off, because they don't want to deal with the drama and feel unwelcomed. But really it's what those parents want, at least at first. By middle maybe they change their minds and want some help but others are too discouraged by that point. There are so many movies (Bad Moms is a recent one) where there are these domineering moms who just like to run and control things. It's a stereotype, and many are not like that, but they do exist which is why it's a stereotype. I see nothing to think that OP was rude or distrustful. She's just annoyed at the Gwendolyn like parents at her school.

Well, let me be clear - I was totally picked at random to be the Room Parent in Kindergarten. I did it for my first child's K, 1 and 2 year (and 2nd, the teacher had to send out multiple emails to get anyone to do it). I then stepped away in 3rd and 4th when I joined the PTA Board. Someone who had helped me in previous years ended up stepping up when I stepped away and it was very difficult for her to get people to help in any way. I think each school and teacher is different, but I certainly wasn't "blocking" anyone from being Room Parent!

We make a big point at the Room Parent meeting that this should be an all-inclusive and NOT cliquey thing. There are, of course, groups who will tell parents "we're good. we don't need your help" and that is certainly not cool! I was always inclusive and let people help, so I hope I was welcoming and different in that way. But I do know what you mean about the clique factor.

As far as the PTA Board positions go, we don't have a lot of people lining up for these at our school. There are easily 2-3 positions that we have to fill each and every year on the Board, and it's difficult. It's a big time commitment and a lot of time at school, meetings, committees, email, etc. and we try to reach out to parents who have been at school and shown their interest in volunteering. I'd like to think we're pretty inclusive and welcoming. Committee Chairs are even harder. So I think while it may appear cliquey, I think you are probably seeing a small group of volunteers that have to band together to get the stuff done. By March, it's nearly impossible to get anyone interested in anything - everyone is burned out.

So that's why I was suggesting volunteering to the OP, helping where she can and becoming known to the PTA and school community. If her school is anything like ours, they will notice and surely ask how she would like to help out (and she'll probably have a pick of things!!).

[Anonymous]

If a B*tchy B*tch signs up to room parent, or whatever - I conveniently sign up for something else. Some women are difficult, and don't want to get along, and it is obvious from their RBF. Too bad, it scares the useful moms off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I signed up as Room Parent in Kindergarten and have been very involved, either as a Room Parent or PTA Board member, every year.

I certainly didn't do it for preferential treatment. I did it to help, and I'm glad I was able to. I know that coming into school and being with a bunch of kids is not a lot of people's idea of a relaxing afternoon, nor is planning a party, or buying snacks at the last minute when they are needed. I'm just there to help the teacher, and I hope that my work shows that I care about the kids, the teacher, the class and the school community. I also think it's important to show my kids that I'm involved at their school. Remember, you are there to help. Let your hard work or involvement be the example that you should be more involved.

Like a lot of posters have said, I think teachers DO pick the known commodity. I think as the years roll on in Elementary School, it not only gets harder to find room parents, but the levels of participation drop dramatically, whether it's monetarily or physical in-class presence. So if teachers need to choose someone who is going to know 3/4 of the parents and they can work personal relationships to get things done, they are going to take the path of least resistance. For what it's worth, I was always given the sheets where people had volunteered to be room parent, and I always reached out to them and asked them to help at parties, planning, etc.

OP, try to get involved and just keep staying involved. Talk to more people, volunteer with them, reach out to the PTA and ask where you can help, and I promise it will be noticed. Any good organization is always looking for new volunteers.


But if there are all these other parents who signed up to help, why would you be room parent for 7 years and for your second child as well? Couldn't you have allowed a friend to be the room parent for at least the last 3 years? My kid's class has close to 100 kids in it and 10 parents at least on the room parent committee. We have parents at our school who push to be room parent, then PTA president in elementary, PTA president in middle, and so on and they try to push others away so they can have even more control. After a while, yes, people drop off, because they don't want to deal with the drama and feel unwelcomed. But really it's what those parents want, at least at first. By middle maybe they change their minds and want some help but others are too discouraged by that point. There are so many movies (Bad Moms is a recent one) where there are these domineering moms who just like to run and control things. It's a stereotype, and many are not like that, but they do exist which is why it's a stereotype. I see nothing to think that OP was rude or distrustful. She's just annoyed at the Gwendolyn like parents at her school.

Well, let me be clear - I was totally picked at random to be the Room Parent in Kindergarten. I did it for my first child's K, 1 and 2 year (and 2nd, the teacher had to send out multiple emails to get anyone to do it). I then stepped away in 3rd and 4th when I joined the PTA Board. Someone who had helped me in previous years ended up stepping up when I stepped away and it was very difficult for her to get people to help in any way. I think each school and teacher is different, but I certainly wasn't "blocking" anyone from being Room Parent!

We make a big point at the Room Parent meeting that this should be an all-inclusive and NOT cliquey thing. There are, of course, groups who will tell parents "we're good. we don't need your help" and that is certainly not cool! I was always inclusive and let people help, so I hope I was welcoming and different in that way. But I do know what you mean about the clique factor.

As far as the PTA Board positions go, we don't have a lot of people lining up for these at our school. There are easily 2-3 positions that we have to fill each and every year on the Board, and it's difficult. It's a big time commitment and a lot of time at school, meetings, committees, email, etc. and we try to reach out to parents who have been at school and shown their interest in volunteering. I'd like to think we're pretty inclusive and welcoming. Committee Chairs are even harder. So I think while it may appear cliquey, I think you are probably seeing a small group of volunteers that have to band together to get the stuff done. By March, it's nearly impossible to get anyone interested in anything - everyone is burned out.

So that's why I was suggesting volunteering to the OP, helping where she can and becoming known to the PTA and school community. If her school is anything like ours, they will notice and surely ask how she would like to help out (and she'll probably have a pick of things!!).

Ok. But she was just complaining that the I'm good comment was rude. Yes she can volunteer in other ways but it was still rude of the teacher and the parent who hogs the position and the people saying that a room parent needs qualifications are just ridiculous. Was it so hard for you as a kindergarten parent of your first? Did the school shut down? Just because she can help out in another way doesn't mean that behavior was nice. I'm pretty sure OP was just venting. I'm sure she knows she can volunteer somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

OK, I admit I have only read a few responses, but can I just say...I am so relieved ANYONE wants to be room parent and the person could be a queen B and I wouldn't care. I hate the job. The fact that someone wants to do it for free...have at it and I am happy to pay my class dues and show up to help with a party or 2. I don't have time to think about this beyond that. If the teacher gives the room parent a little preferential treatment I honestly am fine with that as long as I don't have to that job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I admit I have only read a few responses, but can I just say...I am so relieved ANYONE wants to be room parent and the person could be a queen B and I wouldn't care. I hate the job. The fact that someone wants to do it for free...have at it and I am happy to pay my class dues and show up to help with a party or 2. I don't have time to think about this beyond that. If the teacher gives the room parent a little preferential treatment I honestly am fine with that as long as I don't have to that job.

Maybe you should have read more. It wasn't complaining about the room parent doing a poor job. And it wasn't about your opinion on the job. Also not sure why anyone would want teachers giving preferential treatment to parents or students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I admit I have only read a few responses, but can I just say...I am so relieved ANYONE wants to be room parent and the person could be a queen B and I wouldn't care. I hate the job. The fact that someone wants to do it for free...have at it and I am happy to pay my class dues and show up to help with a party or 2. I don't have time to think about this beyond that. If the teacher gives the room parent a little preferential treatment I honestly am fine with that as long as I don't have to that job.

Maybe you should have read more. It wasn't complaining about the room parent doing a poor job. And it wasn't about your opinion on the job. Also not sure why anyone would want teachers giving preferential treatment to parents or students.

Maybe you should read my response. I never said it was about a room parent doing a poor job. I just don't get in a tizzy about who is picked. It's great OP wants the job, I don't. I have wanted to go on field trips though and wasn't picked while the same moms were. Didn't bother me. My life is too busy and complicated to obsess over this. I am busy obsessing over my father's illness, my daughter's autism, my brother's cancer, my job, my husband, my kids and the things that matter most to me.

If the room mom gets extra time with the teacher to chat about her kid is does not bother me. If she gets say first dibs at the field trip it is no big deal. I just cannot imagine having the time to get so riled up. Also, I don't think I have ever seen a room parent get preferential treatment other than something minor anyway.

[Anonymous]

Everyone faces this. It’s how many things in life work. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s always been this way everywhere.

OP, if you were in the “in crowd” you’d be happy with the system. That’s life.
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I liked the above 2 comments--totally true.
I would like to vent as well--child 1--amazingly easy to work with, outgoing, friendly --weakness: getting organized--put in a class where teacher is insanely disorganized ,ADHD-like, only went through 1/3 of the slides on B2SN--her presentation made no sense--I was not able to go away with any useful info whatsoever--waste of my night. My child is complaining she cannot learn anything in the class.
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Child 2-excels in grades but very shy in new encounters, can seem stand offish when actually socially anxious--I asked for a teacher who can help her open up/be better in groups gets teacher who is abrasive and has social issues herself.....
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room moms are definitely the "in" crowd--can on occasion be quite arrogant, can make you feel like second class citizen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone faces this. It’s how many things in life work. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s always been this way everywhere.

OP, if you were in the “in crowd” you’d be happy with the system. That’s life.
----------------------------------------


I liked the above 2 comments--totally true.
I would like to vent as well--child 1--amazingly easy to work with, outgoing, friendly --weakness: getting organized--put in a class where teacher is insanely disorganized ,ADHD-like, only went through 1/3 of the slides on B2SN--her presentation made no sense--I was not able to go away with any useful info whatsoever--waste of my night. My child is complaining she cannot learn anything in the class.
--------------------
Child 2-excels in grades but very shy in new encounters, can seem stand offish when actually socially anxious--I asked for a teacher who can help her open up/be better in groups gets teacher who is abrasive and has social issues herself.....
--------------------
room moms are definitely the "in" crowd--can on occasion be quite arrogant, can make you feel like second class citizen.

What do your kid's classroom experiences have to do with being a room parent? And why should we just accept rude behavior as just life? Honestly I don't agree with the last statement. I would feel guilty if I was the in crowd and others weren't being treated well. I would try to make things more accessible for all.

[Anonymous]

I was a room parent for both my kids in elementary school and I was not part of the in crowd. If anything it was like pulling teeth to get people to step up and volunteer. I don't think my organization skills for the classroom and teachers resulted in preferential treatment for either of my children. I was then part of the PTA executive board for a couple of years and stepped away from room parent responsibilities..Definitely no preferential treatment and again like pulling teeth to get anyone to step up for jobs. I think it varies but one thing is for sure as more students come from homes with both parents working, anyone is happy to have people step up. There is definitely no pulling hair over these jobs and we are NArl

[Anonymous]

While there may be some limited exceptions, I think some of you may be getting the causation wrong. People who are frequent room parents don’t get those positions because they are part of some “in-crowd,” more likely they’re well-known/liked because they’ve gotten to know lots of other parents through their volunteer efforts (which don’t just happen by being room parent).

Also, consider that what you see as prefertial treatment may be more of a perception bias. You’re familiar with a particular mom because she was your room parent last year, and so when you see who’s in the “good” class this year, she jumps out to you because she’s familiar. But you’re ignoring the 15-20 kids who are also in that class despite the fact that their parents don’t do jack for the school in any capacity because they’re not familiar to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While there may be some limited exceptions, I think some of you may be getting the causation wrong. People who are frequent room parents don’t get those positions because they are part of some “in-crowd,” more likely they’re well-known/liked because they’ve gotten to know lots of other parents through their volunteer efforts (which don’t just happen by being room parent).

Also, consider that what you see as prefertial treatment may be more of a perception bias. You’re familiar with a particular mom because she was your room parent last year, and so when you see who’s in the “good” class this year, she jumps out to you because she’s familiar. But you’re ignoring the 15-20 kids who are also in that class despite the fact that their parents don’t do jack for the school in any capacity because they’re not familiar to you.

? So typical DCUM to make anything about them rather than addressing OP's issue. The past 3 to 4 posts are all about their own experience only. OP did not discuss the other kids or parents in the class.

OP wanted to help. She offered to help, was first on the list, and she was told NO because the teacher and this popular parent agreed that they had everything covered and didn't need anyone new coming in to help. This scenario bears no resemblance to your own.

[Anonymous]

Alternatively, you could move to a school that doesn't have room parents and has a small PTA. I can tell you our school would love all of the help you have to give.