Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

she isn't responsive to you because you didn't hold up your end of the marriage. You need to work on yourself and put your wife first. If you focused on her needs and not your own needs then she will respond to you. You are the root cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For high-libido people, a low-libido's spouse's unwillingness to address the disparity reveals an indifference to their needs that damages trust. In the happy low-sex marriages both partners have come to agree on the amount of sex happening between them. The respect and trust endure when two people deal with it together. To pull in another example, if my lifelong dream was to own a beagle and my DH did not want to ever have a dog it would bother me if he made no attempt to find a solution to my desire for animal companionship. Now if DH were allergic to all pets obviously I couldn't hold it against him. But OP's DW has no medical impediment to engaging in regular sexual contact. She just doesn't care enough about him to make the effort or propose viable alternatives. That selfish rigidity cannot be the source of a strong partnership. Lack of physical drive is just an excuse.

This doesn't excuse the situation, but I think there has to be some recognition about how twisted up people get about sex. (It's not their fault, society does not send us healthy messages.) Your affinity to beagles or lack thereof isn't really tied into your value as a person. Sex is different, and it adds to both the pain of the higher libido spouse whose sense of self is deeply bruised by his spouse's rejection and to the pain of the lower libido spouse who feels like a failure for not providing in this regard and has great difficulty in talking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she isn't responsive to you because you didn't hold up your end of the marriage. You need to work on yourself and put your wife first. If you focused on her needs and not your own needs then she will respond to you. You are the root cause.

Bull. You might like to believe these "just so" tales about how life works, but life isn't a morality play. Sometimes virtue and sacrifice isn't rewarded.

[Anonymous]

Don't you think OP has asked his DW many times what he can do to regain intimacy? Nothing OP has said indicates that he has been a substandard husband or parenting partner. Some people are simply born LL but in our society admitting this has become a taboo. The crying and saying "I'm a bad wife" to escape the conversation are the smoking guns -- the lack of desire is DW's internal issue, not a response to OP's failings. For her it is actually not an issue any more than being left-handed is for me. He is the one making it an issue. She would be perfectly content if he were not growing bitter and distant. In the past HL spouses had to suffer in silence but those times are long gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she isn't responsive to you because you didn't hold up your end of the marriage. You need to work on yourself and put your wife first. If you focused on her needs and not your own needs then she will respond to you. You are the root cause.

Bull. You might like to believe these "just so" tales about how life works, but life isn't a morality play. Sometimes virtue and sacrifice isn't rewarded.

Marriage is so detrimental to the woman that if there was some sacrifice to be rewarded it would be awarded to the woman which is why I said he needs to put his wife first for once. You clearly misunderstand that in marriage it is the woman who does most of the work and most of the sacrificing. You are correct that life doesn't reward us women for our sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For high-libido people, a low-libido's spouse's unwillingness to address the disparity reveals an indifference to their needs that damages trust. In the happy low-sex marriages both partners have come to agree on the amount of sex happening between them. The respect and trust endure when two people deal with it together. To pull in another example, if my lifelong dream was to own a beagle and my DH did not want to ever have a dog it would bother me if he made no attempt to find a solution to my desire for animal companionship. Now if DH were allergic to all pets obviously I couldn't hold it against him. But OP's DW has no medical impediment to engaging in regular sexual contact. She just doesn't care enough about him to make the effort or propose viable alternatives. That selfish rigidity cannot be the source of a strong partnership. Lack of physical drive is just an excuse.

This doesn't excuse the situation, but I think there has to be some recognition about how twisted up people get about sex. (It's not their fault, society does not send us healthy messages.) Your affinity to beagles or lack thereof isn't really tied into your value as a person. Sex is different, and it adds to both the pain of the higher libido spouse whose sense of self is deeply bruised by his spouse's rejection and to the pain of the lower libido spouse who feels like a failure for not providing in this regard and has great difficulty in talking about it.

I also forgot to point out that sex is unique in that for married folk it can only be done with the spouse. If you and your friends go to dog shows or grooming lessons together no reasonable person will get upset. Not so sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she isn't responsive to you because you didn't hold up your end of the marriage. You need to work on yourself and put your wife first. If you focused on her needs and not your own needs then she will respond to you. You are the root cause.

Bull. You might like to believe these "just so" tales about how life works, but life isn't a morality play. Sometimes virtue and sacrifice isn't rewarded.

Marriage is so detrimental to the woman that if there was some sacrifice to be rewarded it would be awarded to the woman which is why I said he needs to put his wife first for once. You clearly misunderstand that in marriage it is the woman who does most of the work and most of the sacrificing. You are correct that life doesn't reward us women for our sacrifices.

You besmirch the fair face of feminism with this assertion. That is an unfair sacrifice to ask of anyone. Hie thee to a nunnery posthaste!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Marriage is so detrimental to the woman that if there was some sacrifice to be rewarded it would be awarded to the woman which is why I said he needs to put his wife first for once. You clearly misunderstand that in marriage it is the woman who does most of the work and most of the sacrificing. You are correct that life doesn't reward us women for our sacrifices.

You are batsh*t crazy to state anything like this. You need therapy and/or admission to an asylum. Feminism has rotted your brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the female equivalent of you. DH will never cheat on me and would never want to divorce for various reasons. I used to start fights about lack of sex that resulted in intercourse but I met someone recently who solidified the encroaching indifference toward DH that I had begun to feel. You will meet someone too. You are not a bad husband, she is not a bad wife, but you are not good together. The thing that gets me through is the knowledge that DH is not the last man I will ever be with, the restored confidence I have that one day I enjoy regular physical affection and passion again. I simply don't love DH enough to sacrifice these vital aspects of myself for the rest of my life. A decade is more than enough. Unlike other PPs I suspect that marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money and will actually increase your frustration as neither you nor your wife are able/willing to make deep personality changes. I believe that marriage takes work but that it should not be backbreaking labour most of the time. If you have to threaten someone with divorce to get them to make efforts essential to your happiness then you are probably not a good match.

wow, so you are planning to have an affair. You are a twisted and sick individual.

Affair Planning PP here. Yes, after years of serious thought and actions -- serious conversations, having recommended a book, praying, therapy, having written a letter five years ago in which I explained that I couldn't continue in the marriage as it was, and many broken promises of regular physical contact from DH, I have weighed the options and decided that an affair is the best option. My needs and those of DH will never be in sync because he is simply not that kind of person.

Wow. What a great person you are. I’m sure your grandmother is real proud of you. /s

Both of them have passed away but my goal has never been to do only the things that I believe would meet with their approval. I am a descendant of slaves who has been blessed with freedoms and choices they could not even imagine. I'll be damned if I'm going to waste the gift of agency I've been givenin genuflecting before the golden calf of tradition. I would not want my daughters to ever sacrifice themselves in a relationship as unfulfilling as my marriage has been. If they felt they could not leave I'd probably tell them as my sister told me years ago, "Take a lover." Ever heard of Lady Chatterley's Lover?

So you’re ok with Your daughters growing up to be just like you: a lying, deceitful, cheating, disrespectful harlot who is completely self-absorbed and entitled and doesn’t have the guts to end a relationship/marriage before seeking other men? How do you sleep at night? Your conscious has to be a wreck (spare us, I’m sure you’ll say you sleep great and your conscious is clear—when it’s not).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't you think OP has asked his DW many times what he can do to regain intimacy? Nothing OP has said indicates that he has been a substandard husband or parenting partner. Some people are simply born LL but in our society admitting this has become a taboo. The crying and saying "I'm a bad wife" to escape the conversation are the smoking guns -- the lack of desire is DW's internal issue, not a response to OP's failings. For her it is actually not an issue any more than being left-handed is for me. He is the one making it an issue. She would be perfectly content if he were not growing bitter and distant. In the past HL spouses had to suffer in silence but those times are long gone.

My ex strongly believed I was LL. It was his approach that killed my desire for him. I was saying to my ex that I simply don't need it. Reality was is that I really didn't want his attitude (mechanically it was fine sex, mentally it was not satisfying at all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you think OP has asked his DW many times what he can do to regain intimacy? Nothing OP has said indicates that he has been a substandard husband or parenting partner. Some people are simply born LL but in our society admitting this has become a taboo. The crying and saying "I'm a bad wife" to escape the conversation are the smoking guns -- the lack of desire is DW's internal issue, not a response to OP's failings. For her it is actually not an issue any more than being left-handed is for me. He is the one making it an issue. She would be perfectly content if he were not growing bitter and distant. In the past HL spouses had to suffer in silence but those times are long gone.

My ex strongly believed I was LL. It was his approach that killed my desire for him. I was saying to my ex that I simply don't need it. Reality was is that I really didn't want his attitude (mechanically it was fine sex, mentally it was not satisfying at all).

OP and all men, take careful note. This PP speaks the truth. If your wife is not interested in sex, immediately make her your EX wife. That's the advice PP is giving, and it's true.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you don't know why your wife has lost interest in sex with you. Isn't that kind of a HUGE gap of understanding? How do you expect to find solutions if you don't get to the root of the reason for the problem?

Have you posted before? It's like a broken record.

1. A man posts that his wife has lost interest.
2. He has NO clue why and no curiosity about it.
3. She ruins it for him when she does have sex because she's not into it.
4. She cries and says she feels like a bad wife when he brings it up.

[Anonymous]

Well you're a scumbag. You talk about staying in your marriage like it's some Noble thing to do? The best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother. If you can't do that, be fair to her and them and get out. Probably everyone will do well in this scenario besides you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you I would be more concerned by my indifference toward her as a person that you supposedly love than I would about the sex issues.

There are many marriages with little or no sex going on where the partners still love and care about each other as people. I find it very sad that you don't feel this way about her. I don't believe lack of sex is an excuse for that.

I agree with this. I'm sure he is probably lacking in other marital departments that she has to accept. He still hasn't given us the reason she only wants sex once a month. In all this time I'm sure she has told him. It's either lack of attraction, doesn't like sex, resentments, or possibly something health wise. Those are the more common ones.

I also wonder what some of these people are going to do when their spouse has a long term illness. Unfortunately OP is over emphasizing once aspect of their marriage. Especially when the rest of it sounds pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

I sympathize with you... but does that mean your DH gets no sexual activity for the rest of his life? I'm genuinely asking.

+1