My boys don't want me to get remarried

[Anonymous]

1. Family therapy
2. Can you wait a few years?
3. Kids don't get to dictate the decision. If your fiancée is not abusive in any way, they should not oppose you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread went a very predictable direction. Hate on single moms? Check. Accusations of selfishness and gold-digging? Check. Suggestions of possible child abuse? Check.

Look, Marrieds. What authority do you give your 12- and 17-year-olds over household decisions and life changes? Do they get to decide that you can't, for example, get a different job? If you or your spouse gets a new job in a different city, do your children get to categorically veto that decision for reasons that are not based in reality?

My parents divorced when I was 11. My mom got remarried when I was 15 or thereabouts. Was I thrilled about it? No. Her boyfriend wasn't my favorite person in the world, and him moving into our house wasn't at the top of my list of awesome stuff to have happen. Things changed. The food we ate was sometimes different. I was required to be respectful and kind to him, but no, he didn't have authority to discipline my teenage self. I knew he wasn't "replacing my dad" because my dad lived a mile away and I saw him on Wednesdays and on the weekend. They shared finances and if I wanted a bunch of money for something, yes, that was a conversation that my mom, her boyfriend/then-husband and I had together, but he didn't get veto power over whether I get new school clothes or track shoes or whatever.

I think that divorced moms get special mean-ness on this board because there is a fundamental assumption by many of you Marrieds that they are divorced because they are weak or selfish. All advice stems from the notion that if you were weak and selfish enough to get divorced, you'd better pour 100% of your energy into making that up to your kids and if you so much as think about your own happiness, you are a terrible parent.

I'm glad your mother and stepfather treated you adequately, but OP has not explained how she plans to handle these matters.

The kid is 17. Can't he have his last year at home in peace?

She hasn't explained, but a lot of posters have ASSUMED a lot about how she's going to handle it.

As for "having his last year at home in peace" it sounds like that's already happening, given that OP isn't talking about getting married until next year anyway. What about the younger kid? Does he need to have "high school at home in peace"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread went a very predictable direction. Hate on single moms? Check. Accusations of selfishness and gold-digging? Check. Suggestions of possible child abuse? Check.

Look, Marrieds. What authority do you give your 12- and 17-year-olds over household decisions and life changes? Do they get to decide that you can't, for example, get a different job? If you or your spouse gets a new job in a different city, do your children get to categorically veto that decision for reasons that are not based in reality?

My parents divorced when I was 11. My mom got remarried when I was 15 or thereabouts. Was I thrilled about it? No. Her boyfriend wasn't my favorite person in the world, and him moving into our house wasn't at the top of my list of awesome stuff to have happen. Things changed. The food we ate was sometimes different. I was required to be respectful and kind to him, but no, he didn't have authority to discipline my teenage self. I knew he wasn't "replacing my dad" because my dad lived a mile away and I saw him on Wednesdays and on the weekend. They shared finances and if I wanted a bunch of money for something, yes, that was a conversation that my mom, her boyfriend/then-husband and I had together, but he didn't get veto power over whether I get new school clothes or track shoes or whatever.

I think that divorced moms get special mean-ness on this board because there is a fundamental assumption by many of you Marrieds that they are divorced because they are weak or selfish. All advice stems from the notion that if you were weak and selfish enough to get divorced, you'd better pour 100% of your energy into making that up to your kids and if you so much as think about your own happiness, you are a terrible parent.

This is a very thoughtful and kind post. And goes to show that the sky is NOT necessarily falling for the teenagers if they don't get their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread went a very predictable direction. Hate on single moms? Check. Accusations of selfishness and gold-digging? Check. Suggestions of possible child abuse? Check.

Look, Marrieds. What authority do you give your 12- and 17-year-olds over household decisions and life changes? Do they get to decide that you can't, for example, get a different job? If you or your spouse gets a new job in a different city, do your children get to categorically veto that decision for reasons that are not based in reality?

My parents divorced when I was 11. My mom got remarried when I was 15 or thereabouts. Was I thrilled about it? No. Her boyfriend wasn't my favorite person in the world, and him moving into our house wasn't at the top of my list of awesome stuff to have happen. Things changed. The food we ate was sometimes different. I was required to be respectful and kind to him, but no, he didn't have authority to discipline my teenage self. I knew he wasn't "replacing my dad" because my dad lived a mile away and I saw him on Wednesdays and on the weekend. They shared finances and if I wanted a bunch of money for something, yes, that was a conversation that my mom, her boyfriend/then-husband and I had together, but he didn't get veto power over whether I get new school clothes or track shoes or whatever.


+1000

I think that divorced moms get special mean-ness on this board because there is a fundamental assumption by many of you Marrieds that they are divorced because they are weak or selfish. All advice stems from the notion that if you were weak and selfish enough to get divorced, you'd better pour 100% of your energy into making that up to your kids and if you so much as think about your own happiness, you are a terrible parent.

This is a very thoughtful and kind post. And goes to show that the sky is NOT necessarily falling for the teenagers if they don't get their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:teen boys have a problem with a strange man living in their house and penetrating their mom in the home. It makes them feel like a cuckold. It's just the way it is. Really has an effect on how they will see women in their future not in a good way.

This is a rather broad generalization...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:teen boys have a problem with a strange man living in their house and penetrating their mom in the home. It makes them feel like a cuckold. It's just the way it is. Really has an effect on how they will see women in their future not in a good way.

This is a rather broad generalization...

Not really. It's disturbingly accurate. When you hack through all the psychobabble and smoke screens it is the reason why the house has a sick feeling at its root.

[Anonymous]

OP they don't get a say! Are you going to decide who they marry? Do they run the household to, or are you the adult?

That's it in a nutshell. Plan a date if this is the one and tell them how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:teen boys have a problem with a strange man living in their house and penetrating their mom in the home. It makes them feel like a cuckold. It's just the way it is. Really has an effect on how they will see women in their future not in a good way.

This is a rather broad generalization...

Not really. It's disturbingly accurate. When you hack through all the psychobabble and smoke screens it is the reason why the house has a sick feeling at its root.

Do you know what the OP's house feels like?? Unless you are Freud, go sit down...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:teen boys have a problem with a strange man living in their house and penetrating their mom in the home. It makes them feel like a cuckold. It's just the way it is. Really has an effect on how they will see women in their future not in a good way.

This is a rather broad generalization...

Not really. It's disturbingly accurate. When you hack through all the psychobabble and smoke screens it is the reason why the house has a sick feeling at its root.

Do you know what the OP's house feels like?? Unless you are Freud, go sit down...

The bottom line is the kids can't help how they feel and they are just kids with the right to be deeply hurt over being forced to live in an awkward situation. It's harder for the children to live with a strange unrelated man in the house. The mother is putting her happiness squarely ahead of the children's happiness. The children know it and the mother knows it. It plants the seeds of justified resentment and guilt for a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:teen boys have a problem with a strange man living in their house and penetrating their mom in the home. It makes them feel like a cuckold. It's just the way it is. Really has an effect on how they will see women in their future not in a good way.

This is a rather broad generalization...

Not really. It's disturbingly accurate. When you hack through all the psychobabble and smoke screens it is the reason why the house has a sick feeling at its root.

Do you know what the OP's house feels like?? Unless you are Freud, go sit down...

The bottom line is the kids can't help how they feel and they are just kids with the right to be deeply hurt over being forced to live in an awkward situation. It's harder for the children to live with a strange unrelated man in the house. The mother is putting her happiness squarely ahead of the children's happiness. The children know it and the mother knows it.

It plants the seeds of justified resentment and guilt for a lifetime.

Maybe the kids should have resentment towards their father for being an alcoholic and being the one to destroy the family in the first place. Op is doing her best. That's all anyone could do. If Op's XH was deceased, what would the advice be? Don't remarry the kids have been thru enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:teen boys have a problem with a strange man living in their house and penetrating their mom in the home. It makes them feel like a cuckold. It's just the way it is. Really has an effect on how they will see women in their future not in a good way.

This is a rather broad generalization...

Not really. It's disturbingly accurate. When you hack through all the psychobabble and smoke screens it is the reason why the house has a sick feeling at its root.

Do you know what the OP's house feels like?? Unless you are Freud, go sit down...

The bottom line is the kids can't help how they feel and they are just kids with the right to be deeply hurt over being forced to live in an awkward situation. It's harder for the children to live with a strange unrelated man in the house. The mother is putting her happiness squarely ahead of the children's happiness. The children know it and the mother knows it.

It plants the seeds of justified resentment and guilt for a lifetime.

Maybe the kids should have resentment towards their father for being an alcoholic and being the one to destroy the family in the first place. Op is doing her best. That's all anyone could do. If Op's XH was deceased, what would the advice be? Don't remarry the kids have been thru enough?

Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.

Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.

Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.

It's always super risky. In the case of children that are dead set against it the whole thing is on super shaky ground. No way to start a marriage .. It's like you have a gun to your head to look like your happy when you may not be because you are a fool it it collapses after the fuss you made. It's not fair but in most cases, bringing a strange man into a house is more traumatic than a father bringing in a new woman since men are more likely to be abusive and are naturally a dominant member of the household. Obviously if you are floundering financially, you may have no choice but in general, the precious and few years you spend with children make up a small percentage of your total life. They are worth maxing out the closeness and comfortable secure environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.

Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.

I'm pretty sure that only applies to the mothers remarrying. Dads are men, ya know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doing your best is to not bring a unrelated strange man in your teens home to cohabitate till the kids are up and out. I'm not saying this as some kind of morality play or shaming thing. It's for the consideration of making ones life better for the long haul. The resentment, damage and hurt inside the teen boys could last forever and bring sadness forever. Could you imagine how stupid you would feel in the statistically highly likely event of divorcing husband number 2? Is it even worth the risk? When you make the plunge to override the comfortable home of your teen boys with this new marriage you almost can't even afford to have a fight with your new spouse. The kids will be like oh great.. Fighting with the guy we don't want in the house ... Kick him out. It's like you have to act happier than you are and walk on eggshells to avoid any chance the relationship sours and you look like a fool. Nobody is worth that crap.

Okay, so your stance is that if people divorce or are widowed with children, they should not remarry until the kids are out of the house. Period.

It's always super risky. In the case of children that are dead set against it the whole thing is on super shaky ground. No way to start a marriage .. It's like you have a gun to your head to look like your happy when you may not be because you are a fool it it collapses after the fuss you made. It's not fair but in most cases, bringing a strange man into a house is more traumatic than a father bringing in a new woman since men are more likely to be abusive and are naturally a dominant member of the household. Obviously if you are floundering financially, you may have no choice but in general, the precious and few years you spend with children make up a small percentage of your total life. They are worth maxing out the closeness and comfortable secure environment.

Do you speak from experience on any side of this, or are you just speculating?

Your assumptions are:

1) Women who remarry are under extra pressure to look happy
2) Women who remarry are putting their kids in danger because men are dominant and abusers
3) Women who remarry are doing so because they need the money

You've made it pretty clear that you think very little of divorced women who remarry and any male who would be interested in remarrying them. Why is that? Personal baggage?