How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

This writing is a whole lot of fantasy, fluff and babble. I am so glad you have this rose colored glasses outlook on life and destiny and family structure. I honestly think you are delusional, and in no way am I trying to be mean or rude towards you. But if you were my friend or sister, I would say the same thing out of 100% concern. Having this philosophical what will be will be uber forgiving its all in the past attitude makes you a complete doormat, you actually have zero control. Your children will pay the price whether you leave or stay. And wait until other people put 2 and 2 together, their friends, their friends' parents, the neighbors, your own family (siblings, parents) etc. You cannot live in this cocoon where as long as you keep everything all hunky dory and keep up appearances that the kids will remain unscathed. Most of it is out of your control, and seems like it always has been. And I honestly wonder about your mental state to be so laissez faire. I feel very badly for you, and even worse for your children. I really hope this is a troll because if this is real and OP actually has these thought patterns, there is little hope.

I think the OP's been pretty clear that she's handling her relationship with her husband as a separate issue.

Which is a good thing, because sh*tty advice here abounds.

She's prioritizing the well-being of her children here. From the responses, it's obvious that's a difficult thing to do, but not impossible.

The posts saying it's out of her hands AND she's a doormat are nauseating. I wouldn't want your counsel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

Then he would have tried to hide it in the first place. Which he didn't. He knows you're going to make the best of it, and there's something in your past relationship that makes him certain of it. I don't know what it is. Or it really makes little difference to him because he'll just go live with family #2. Remember, he's already practiced in only seeing his child on occasion.

The way this went down, particularly with getting your son involved, shows a shocking amount of disregard for you. He had another child with you, and it never came up. You presumably discussed future plans, college savings, vacations, and it never came up. He slept with another woman, stood by her for nine months of pregnancy, and it never came up. He spent marital funds on this relationship, and it never came up. He decided his kids would enjoy spending time together, arranged play dates, and it never came up. I still don't get why that isn't the focus here.

What happens with the kids seems obvious. You proceed as if he had told you this like a real man, much earlier and before the kids were involved. You leave what happens with your relationship aside from those arrangements, many of which will be determined by the courts.

[Anonymous]

I am so embarrassed for OP.

Wish I could help but you are too delusional to be reasoned with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so embarrassed for OP.

Wish I could help but you are too delusional to be reasoned with.

Not the OP, but calling someone delusional is your version of reasoning? No thanks.

I get the feeling OP has her priorities straight when it comes to her kids. I don't know the situation with her husband - and won't speculate - but I know that's something some men can't handle very well.

If you've got kids, learn to put your emotions on the back burner when there are important decisions to be made. That's not being a doormat, it's being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Since you stated you wish to handle the situation with the kids separately from how you work through the situation with your husband, I'll skim past the rant on the need for counseling and whatnot. From the sounds of it, you have decided to stay in your marriage, which I do think can be done so long as you and your husband are both willing to do the work.

Since your kids are so young, you have a little time before they will fully understand how their half sister came to be. When they are old enough, it's important to be honest with them. Tell them that their father made a big mistake, how badly it hurt you, and it took a lot of work for you to make your family work. Make sure to explain that his daughter is in no way to blame, and that you are glad she is a part of their lives. Hopefully by the time this comes to pass, you will also be able to share how you worked together to make your marriage work. In the end, it can be a lesson for them on forgiveness and redemption.

That being said, do make sure you figure out how to deal with this yourself first. You have a lot to process, and it may be best to just not say much/anything to the kids about it until you have fully decided how you want to handle things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This writing is a whole lot of fantasy, fluff and babble. I am so glad you have this rose colored glasses outlook on life and destiny and family structure. I honestly think you are delusional, and in no way am I trying to be mean or rude towards you. But if you were my friend or sister, I would say the same thing out of 100% concern. Having this philosophical what will be will be uber forgiving its all in the past attitude makes you a complete doormat, you actually have zero control. Your children will pay the price whether you leave or stay. And wait until other people put 2 and 2 together, their friends, their friends' parents, the neighbors, your own family (siblings, parents) etc. You cannot live in this cocoon where as long as you keep everything all hunky dory and keep up appearances that the kids will remain unscathed. Most of it is out of your control, and seems like it always has been. And I honestly wonder about your mental state to be so laissez faire. I feel very badly for you, and even worse for your children. I really hope this is a troll because if this is real and OP actually has these thought patterns, there is little hope.

You misunderstood me. My outlook is not at all rose-colored or steeped in forgiveness. Staying and forgiveness are two separate things but that's really a completely separate discussion, which I'm not having here.

I am not interested in "keeping up appearances." Our life as a family unit has changed. It will affect the kids. We are building it anew in a sense. We need to figure out the way forward that both acknowledges the new reality, and minimizes any damage to the kids by framing this development in a way they can understand, among other things. That's what I'm interested in.

I don't really care about other people putting two and two together. I haven't done anything wrong - what's it to me? I think you're overestimating how much other people care about you. I couldn't even name all our neighbors' kids, for chrissakes, and the idea that I would ever be able to figure out anything private from their life is ridiculous. I simply don't have the time. There's too many blended families out there to keep track of who's who. The attitudes of other people will never be a factor in my decision-making. My family will support me whatever I do. But that's beside the point.

[Anonymous]

I think you are going to have a hard time explaining it to the kids in a way that they understand. I am an adult and I don't understand. I grew up next to a family who had the same situation. The kids were really screwed up. And the parents ended up divorced after the youngest went to college. It wasn't a good environment for the kids. Too much to overcome and a daily reminder of how badly the dad screwed up.

[Anonymous]

As a child of divorce, I will say it seems the most screwed up kids are the ones whose parents indulge in anger, revenge, pettiness, etc. My parents have always gotten along perfectly cordially, made decisions about me civilly, backed each other up in dealing with me, and never said a bad word about the other, ever. I don't consider myself to be screwed up in any material way. I also don't know anything about the reasons my parents divorced, nor do I need to.

[Anonymous]

OP, you might want to find out from your son (or from your husband who will lie his a** off) what exactly took place when your son and his half sister spent time together. Was the other woman there? I can imagine this scenario really clearly, and I'm guessing that the affair started when you were neck deep in new motherhood, your husband told the Other Woman all about how you were so difficult and demanding and not sexy anymore and she was so amazing and the two of them were going to run off together and start a new life and then it didn't happen right away and oops! somehow this woman got pregnant too. I'm sure your husband was telling her all along how he was so committed to her and if she could just wait for the right time then he would leave you and yadda yadda yadda and then she starts wanting to live more like a family because - you know - she is a mother now and he says ok and starts bringing your son over. And he has this other little family and maybe she puts out more than you do but he just can't quite bring himself to leave you even though she is wanting more and more and oops! now you are pregnant again and this other woman is really questioning if he is going to leave you. You know they talked together behind your back -- but in front of your son - about how you aren't meeting his needs and she is so amazing. And they probably fought in front of him, too. This violation is not just a violation to you; it is an unbelievable violation of your son, and put him in an incredibly unfair position. Do you know what the status is of the other woman in his life? REALLY? Do you know? You won't ever know. Not in this situation. By staying with him, you will likely create more instability in your children's lives, not less. The best thing that can happen now is for you to establish a new family of three, with all the stability and love you can muster. Let your husband, who is 100% mentally a mess at this point, work through his issues on his own, with visitation of his various children, while you build a life for them. You may be still young - even 35 can be young - and idealistic about what you think you can live with. But at some point, 40? 50? You are going to want more for yourself, because you deserve it, and you only live once. If you really want to make the best decision both for your children and for yourself, walk away now, show strength and stability to your kids, and leave the freak show behind you.

[Anonymous]

Be honest with them. They don't need to know details but didn't hide anything and share in an age appropriate way.

My grandfather had two families. While both wives knew about each other one of his son's from his first family didn't know about the existence of the second family. The second family knew everything. The kids from the second family were much less screwed up and accepting of everything. Even as adults into old age the children of the first family are resentful. My mom just said that's how it always was. It was her normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

That and he will try harder not to get caught next time, or wear a condom.

Please. None of those of those things stopped him before. Now he knows that you won't leave and there are no financial or family consequences - so why wouldn't he do it again?

Also if the AP files for child support before you do - it's your kids who will get screwed. You're living in a dream world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also if the AP files for child support before you do - it's your kids who will get screwed. You're living in a dream world.

No, divorce will affect my children and I financially a lot worse than a child support order.

[Anonymous]

Op I am confused as to why you are saying this is a "new revelation" and that "we" need to figure out how to proceed. It's not new to anybody but you and the 2 year old.

As to how YOU deal worh it, I think you have gotten good advice to not take it out on the half-sister and to explain it to the kids honestly in age appropriate ways as time progresses.

I also think that the advice to get counseling yourself, and with your husband if you decide to stay with him, is NOT a separate issue. As your kids get older it will impact them a lot whether their model for a marriage is their father shitting all over their mother and her just taking it--or a father who made a huge mistake but seriously atoned for it and worked things out honestly with his wife--or a father who broke up his marriage and a mother who had respect for herself and left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a child of divorce, I will say it seems the most screwed up kids are the ones whose parents indulge in anger, revenge, pettiness, etc. My parents have always gotten along perfectly cordially, made decisions about me civilly, backed each other up in dealing with me, and never said a bad word about the other, ever. I don't consider myself to be screwed up in any material way. I also don't know anything about the reasons my parents divorced, nor do I need to.

I'm also a child of divorce and wish I could say the same. I posted up-thread about my parents' marriage disintegrating when I was four. I think I ended up a pretty okay adult with a whole textbook worth of ideas on What Not to Do as a Parent.

But I'm 100% certain that would not have been the case had I stayed with my mother. I left her house when I was 8 and never looked back or spoke to her again, but she's still likely messed up from what I know. She was griping out loud about my father at a family wedding almost 30 years after they had divorced. I never once heard him say a bad word about her, though anyone who met her would say he had good reason.

She'd probably be joining in with the women here trying to tear OP down.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the PP who called OP delusional, but I think that person is right.

This is not to be mean. OP is going through the stages of dealing with infidelity, and they are pretty textbook. Right now she is in a very specific stage, which is panicking about what it would mean to end her marriage. As she says, "impoverishing the family."

Eventually she will come to realize just how profound this betrayal was, particularly since her husband involved their child in the deception.

Folks are just trying to help her along that path.