How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you from a different culture or a very patriarchal religious culture? Because the questions you're asking are odd ones.

As you say, what's done is done, and you need to deal with it, but not once have you seemed angry at your husband for concealing this affair/child and taking your son to meet her over and over. Then you say he told your son it wasn't a secret, which suggests that he thinks this whole situation is no big deal, and, frankly, it sounds like your goal is to feel like that, too.

This reaction only makes sense in the context of a culture where women have little to no say in the direction of family life.

I'm not from a patriarchal culture, no. I am a full partner in my family, and if anything, I am more of a boss than DH is. I make my decisions independently.

I'm of course very angry at DH for what he did, and especially for involving my son, but that was not the focus of this discussion so didn't see much point in it. It's perfectly normal and natural to have anger, and I do, but anger should not make decisions for you. These are important matters, where little kids and the trajectory of their lives is concerned; anger has no place in deciding how the rest of the story goes. DH and I are dealing with the anger separately as adults. Kids have nothing to do with this.

OP, first, please recognize that you aren't the boss at all. Your husband did and does what he pleases without consulting you (affair, taking your son to meet sibling, being involved in sibling's life, etc.). I think we're all surprised - not about the affair or even the love child - but that your husband made family choices that could severely impact your children without discussing it with you first (or even mentioning it to you before doing it). Ideally, you and your DH should have discussed the love child, agreed that he'd be part of her life, and agree how to introduce her to your family and what to say - and then have your son meet her.



So, even though you keep asking "what do I tell the kids?" Really, it's no longer up to you. YOU NO LONGER HAVE A SAY IN HOW THIS IS PRESENTED TO YOUR KIDS. because your husband already decided how it's going to happen - without even bothering to mention it to you.

What do you tell the kids? Well, tell them the truth - that daddy decides what the relationship will be between you and [your half sister] and daddy decides how to explain that relationship to you, so go ask daddy.

OP, do you understand now why we can't really help you?

I'm not the OP, but this is absolute horseh*t. Of course she has a say in the matter. It looks like the first thing she's done is decide that she's not going to flop around and wallow in resentment and rage. A lot of people seem to feel that the kids hating their father is the optimal outcome.

I'm glad to read she's smarter than that. She damn well does sound like a boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you from a different culture or a very patriarchal religious culture? Because the questions you're asking are odd ones.

As you say, what's done is done, and you need to deal with it, but not once have you seemed angry at your husband for concealing this affair/child and taking your son to meet her over and over. Then you say he told your son it wasn't a secret, which suggests that he thinks this whole situation is no big deal, and, frankly, it sounds like your goal is to feel like that, too.

This reaction only makes sense in the context of a culture where women have little to no say in the direction of family life.

I'm not from a patriarchal culture, no. I am a full partner in my family, and if anything, I am more of a boss than DH is. I make my decisions independently.

I'm of course very angry at DH for what he did, and especially for involving my son, but that was not the focus of this discussion so didn't see much point in it. It's perfectly normal and natural to have anger, and I do, but anger should not make decisions for you. These are important matters, where little kids and the trajectory of their lives is concerned; anger has no place in deciding how the rest of the story goes. DH and I are dealing with the anger separately as adults. Kids have nothing to do with this.

OP, first, please recognize that you aren't the boss at all. Your husband did and does what he pleases without consulting you (affair, taking your son to meet sibling, being involved in sibling's life, etc.). I think we're all surprised - not about the affair or even the love child - but that your husband made family choices that could severely impact your children without discussing it with you first (or even mentioning it to you before doing it). Ideally, you and your DH should have discussed the love child, agreed that he'd be part of her life, and agree how to introduce her to your family and what to say - and then have your son meet her.



So, even though you keep asking "what do I tell the kids?" Really, it's no longer up to you. YOU NO LONGER HAVE A SAY IN HOW THIS IS PRESENTED TO YOUR KIDS. because your husband already decided how it's going to happen - without even bothering to mention it to you.

What do you tell the kids? Well, tell them the truth - that daddy decides what the relationship will be between you and [your half sister] and daddy decides how to explain that relationship to you, so go ask daddy.

OP, do you understand now why we can't really help you?

I'm not the OP, but this is absolute horseh*t. Of course she has a say in the matter. It looks like the first thing she's done is decide that she's not going to flop around and wallow in resentment and rage. A lot of people seem to feel that the kids hating their father is the optimal outcome.

I'm glad to read she's smarter than that. She damn well does sound like a boss.

So, she has a say in when her son meets the love child? (Hint:no) she has a say in how that sibling is introduced to that child? (Hint:no) she had a say in how much her son will be involved in that other child's life? (Hint:no)

You see, her DH already decided all that and already decided what to tell their son. Im not condonijng that she villonize her husband, I'm just pointing out that these decision s were already made for her and her children.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, i respectfully disagree. But i do sincerely wish the best outcome for you and your kids. The bottom line is that neither you nor your kids asked for this, but here you are living it. And it sounds like you are trying to make the best decisions that will be best for your kids. So, I do wish you and your kids the best poss bike outcome, whatever that is.

I do think seeing a counselor would be a good place for advice on what to say to your kids when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you from a different culture or a very patriarchal religious culture? Because the questions you're asking are odd ones.

As you say, what's done is done, and you need to deal with it, but not once have you seemed angry at your husband for concealing this affair/child and taking your son to meet her over and over. Then you say he told your son it wasn't a secret, which suggests that he thinks this whole situation is no big deal, and, frankly, it sounds like your goal is to feel like that, too.

This reaction only makes sense in the context of a culture where women have little to no say in the direction of family life.

I'm not from a patriarchal culture, no. I am a full partner in my family, and if anything, I am more of a boss than DH is. I make my decisions independently.

I'm of course very angry at DH for what he did, and especially for involving my son, but that was not the focus of this discussion so didn't see much point in it. It's perfectly normal and natural to have anger, and I do, but anger should not make decisions for you. These are important matters, where little kids and the trajectory of their lives is concerned; anger has no place in deciding how the rest of the story goes. DH and I are dealing with the anger separately as adults. Kids have nothing to do with this.

OP, first, please recognize that you aren't the boss at all. Your husband did and does what he pleases without consulting you (affair, taking your son to meet sibling, being involved in sibling's life, etc.). I think we're all surprised - not about the affair or even the love child - but that your husband made family choices that could severely impact your children without discussing it with you first (or even mentioning it to you before doing it). Ideally, you and your DH should have discussed the love child, agreed that he'd be part of her life, and agree how to introduce her to your family and what to say - and then have your son meet her.



So, even though you keep asking "what do I tell the kids?" Really, it's no longer up to you. YOU NO LONGER HAVE A SAY IN HOW THIS IS PRESENTED TO YOUR KIDS. because your husband already decided how it's going to happen - without even bothering to mention it to you.

What do you tell the kids? Well, tell them the truth - that daddy decides what the relationship will be between you and [your half sister] and daddy decides how to explain that relationship to you, so go ask daddy.

OP, do you understand now why we can't really help you?

I'm not the OP, but this is absolute horseh*t. Of course she has a say in the matter. It looks like the first thing she's done is decide that she's not going to flop around and wallow in resentment and rage. A lot of people seem to feel that the kids hating their father is the optimal outcome.

I'm glad to read she's smarter than that. She damn well does sound like a boss.

+1 to this.

[Anonymous]

So, she has a say in when her son meets the love child? (Hint:no) she has a say in how that sibling is introduced to that child? (Hint:no) she had a say in how much her son will be involved in that other child's life? (Hint:no)

You see, her DH already decided all that and already decided what to tell their son. Im not condonijng that she villonize her husband, I'm just pointing out that these decision s were already made for her and her children.

PP here. Yeah, get back to me when you've managed to bring everything in your life under your absolute control. Until then, I wouldn't want the advice of someone who can't figure out what IS in their control and/or relinquishes out of spite.

For kids who made none of the choices that led to their situation, they should at least have the option to manage their relationship in the way that works for them, not something that's based on their mother's anger. Right now, they have to share their dad with another sibling. Let them work out how they feel about that when they're ready to ask about and contemplate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

Why wouldn't he include his daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

This writing is a whole lot of fantasy, fluff and babble. I am so glad you have this rose colored glasses outlook on life and destiny and family structure. I honestly think you are delusional, and in no way am I trying to be mean or rude towards you. But if you were my friend or sister, I would say the same thing out of 100% concern. Having this philosophical what will be will be uber forgiving its all in the past attitude makes you a complete doormat, you actually have zero control. Your children will pay the price whether you leave or stay. And wait until other people put 2 and 2 together, their friends, their friends' parents, the neighbors, your own family (siblings, parents) etc. You cannot live in this cocoon where as long as you keep everything all hunky dory and keep up appearances that the kids will remain unscathed. Most of it is out of your control, and seems like it always has been. And I honestly wonder about your mental state to be so laissez faire. I feel very badly for you, and even worse for your children. I really hope this is a troll because if this is real and OP actually has these thought patterns, there is little hope.

[Anonymous]

Just curious but what are your DH's thoughts on how to present this to the kids?

Personally, I think it makes things way more complicated having your children spend time with the half-sibling vs. just allotting time for your DH to spend with the half-sibling if that's what you guys have decided to do.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I admire you for trying to think things through for the long haul, and not acting out of anger.

In some ways, there is not much you can do. Your DH has already changed your life, and that of your children, without any input from you. These changes are emotional and financial as well. And - most importantly - cannot be undone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is doing best thing, it's perfectly fine for half-siblings to know one another. Kids don't really care about the specific details about how they are related to one another. They just accept what you tell them. It's also kind of silly to cry over spilt milk, done is done. OP is correct to just keep on with her relationship with dh. yeah sure feminsts will get their panties in a twist. And they will die bitter old spinsters after c long career of making life hell for all men. If your man is worth half his salt he will have a few love children out there. If he is a spineless loser he won't (indeed the child at home he thinks is his probably isn't even his). That's the way the world works.

This is OP. Neither you nor the PP really understand the way the world works. Life is full of very flawed people and imperfect choices. Feminists have nothing to do with this. We are trying to do the best we can for everyone involved under very trying circumstances.

It's a personal choice but by your actions you're showing your kids you've accepted it, and it's normal for your family.
How do you know it's your husband's child? Was there dna, otherwise you don't. If this woman sleeps with a married man, who knows how many guys there have been. This has nothing to do with feminists, but OP seems to have surrounded herself with very dysfunctional people and to her this is "her world".

OP most do not live this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

If life and people were ideal, there would be no DCUM so let's not even go there. Ideally, there would be no affair at all. Things are what they are. It's pointless to speculate on how things should be "ideally". My DH made very bad choices. There's no getting away from it. Having said this, the sun still rises every morning, so what do we do now?

Of course I have a say in how this presented to the kids. My daughter hasn't met her half-sister yet, so if I decide she shouldn't, she won't. My son worships me so if I wanted to make him hate his half-sister, I could accomplish that in one evening. If I chose to prevent him from seeing his half-sister, I could do that or at least make a colossal deal out of it easily. I decide today how much of her he is allowed to see and under what context. He's only six; no decisions made so far are cast in stone. They can be undone easily. If I wanted to impoverish the family and stress everyone around that, I could again do so easily.

I am not saying this to say I would intentionally introduce this sort of strife into my kids' life, just to point out that there are many things I could do, and what I do do, I choose to do. My choices may be different from yours, but I am making them from a fully empowered position.

I guess many of us are wondering why you believe your husband is suddenly going to do things the way you want them done, when he didn't seem to be considering you at all before. What's to stop him from adding DD to the visits?

The fear of divorce, poverty, and complete crumbling of his family.

That and he will try harder not to get caught next time, or wear a condom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The affair child is 4 years old and OP'S DH, presumably, has been giving financial support for this child, so how could OP not have known than an appreciable amount of money was missing every month?

They don't know who the father is unless there's been DNA. Based on who's word?

OP can't be that naive. Don't just assume this random child is your husband's, he may have been one of 10 that slept with her.