Ever know a couple where the DH filed for divorce because the wife would not go back to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who did this, but I do know a female friend who divorced her husband when he absolutely refused to get a job. He was older than her and he supported her through law school, but once she graduated he viewed her as his goose that laid a golden egg. He quit his job and refused to even look for a new one. They had no children, and this went on for several years. She finally had enough because she was working in a big law firm, working nonstop, and he was essentially spending the days playing golf and spending money. She filed for divorce, he fought it, she had to pay through the nose, but she is finally free from him and much, much happier. His lack of even bothering to look for a job really made her lose respect for him. She didn't realize that him supporting her through law school was some sort of quid pro quo in which he would never work again. As I mentioned, he was also older, and made a good 200k+ living before he quit. He wasn't "keeping the home" - they had a housekeeper and he didn't cook or do anything like that.

As for me, I have a marriage that everyone thought was bulletproof, with a husband that everyone thought was the most loyal and loving person ever. Turns out he had a long-term affair and was going to leave me. Our friends were completely floored, as was I. He earlier had suggested I stay at home because my job was so horrible (I was also at a big law firm), and I am glad I didn't because then I would be much more reliant on him now. Now I can assess our relationship without worrying about being able to provide for myself. So, my feeling is to proceed with caution! You never truly know someone.

This! All of you saying your DHs don't care if you work and just want you to be happy, are you sure he won't come home one day to tell you he is having a baby with his assistant?

Anything is possible but my working wouldn't change this.
Plus this way, I get spousal support. He can pay for me to upgrade my educations etc.

[Anonymous]

Education

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

What difference does his income make? Assuming he isn't an uber high, typical DCUM'er wouldn't you want a spouse who engages in the workplace and has experiences of her own?

Right, because making a home for your family has no value whatsoever.

So do you think households where both parents work full time are just missing this value?

I am not that poster, but yes. I do. I have worked part time, full time, and stayed at home. There is no question that our home is missing something when neither my spouse or I have the kids and home as our main focus in life at that time. Yes, everyone gets fed and the towels get washed, but there is something valuable missing from our family life. I personally find. It easier when my husband stays home because I am so much better at balancing work and home. But he hates being home with the kids. He prefers to work in a place where people actually do whatever he asks them to do. So, he works.

But is that as valuable as the income you give up by not working full time? For my family, which has always had dual WOHPs and two six figure salaries, it's just not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for the family (WOHP or SAHP, I don't care which) whose family has to eat grocery store prepared food all the time. I don't care if it is Whole Foods.

Stop being such half ass parents.

Why is that being half ass? Why isn't half assing it as parents SAH when you could give your family great financial security? And of course we don't eat grocery store prepared food all the time, but if we did, so what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

What difference does his income make? Assuming he isn't an uber high, typical DCUM'er wouldn't you want a spouse who engages in the workplace and has experiences of her own?

I bet he doesn't make much. Maybe he needs to fix himself first.

My DH doesn't care if I work or not or have experiences of my own, LOL. He wants me happy. I can have experiences at work or AT HOME.
Threads like this make me so appreciative of DH.

NP here. And what about you? I'm guessing you care if your DH works. What if your DH came home and said he's not happy and wants to quit his job? What would you all do? Would you get a job so your DH could be happy?

It doesn't sound like you are truly appreciative of your DH. It sounds like you are appreciative of his income.

Actually this happened. Thanks for asking.
DH was an engineer at his family's company. The closed the business. He didn't want to do engineering anymore. So he was home for 5-10 months or so while the business closed and he applied for an MBA program. I can't remember exactly how long, I think November to September. Then he was in school for two years full time. So he wa so it if the workforce for THREE years.
We had two kids and used savings and my income to live during this time. I worked part time but it helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people like to rag on SAHM's with kids in school and call them lazy.

But I don't think it's that. I think that it's really scary and intimidating to think about rejoining a workforce after you've been left behind. They know that if they were to get work, it would be difficult and they'd be on the bottom of the ladder. They would go from being independent and calling the shots in their daily lives to taking orders, likely from someone even younger than themselves.

I wish people were more compassionate on all sides about our societal dysfunction around the handling of raising kids in the midst of figuring out a livelihood.

Scary and intimidating, plus they dread the discussions with their husbands about what, in concrete terms, the husband will be required to pick up in terms of household/children work if the wife is going to go back. They dread those marital discussions, and their husbands are often quite resistant to providing support. Sometimes the men think extra income would be nice but they sure don't want to change their schedule to accommodate their wives' work. In that case, I'd stay AH too.

This is why I'm staying home. We recently moved to a new city and I got two job offers to go back to work (sales) after 9 years being out of the industry. One from my old boss and one from a vendor that I used to do business with ~ both would mean working from home. It would mean that the kids (3, all elementary school with the youngest in K) would have to go to aftercare and camp all summer. It would mean that instead of being out in my new community playing golf, running with new friends, etc, I would be tied down to my home office. That would impact us socially as I am the one who generally meets people and sets up dinners/etc, especially important now that we are in a new town (and my husband works from home and travels, so his work doesn't provide any social outlet). My work would require some travel, which would be tough in our childcare situation and with a husband who travels. It would mean that in a new town far from home without any family help or real babysitter help yet we would have to navigate a lot of childcare issues. It would mean no two week-go-home-to-visit family trip next summer, that our coming up week long vacation in October and the time off I would want over the holidays would probably eat up all of my vacation……we are also planning a spring break trip and lots of long weekend ski trips, they would be out because I went back to work. We had a frank conversation about it and yes ~ the tradeoffs just aren't worth the difference to us. While I would be making 6 figures, my husband is a high earner and I have a trust fund and we are annually gifted $56K from my parents (cash) as part of their estate planning. Simply put, why disrupt a really peaceful family life for me to go earn money that we don't need? Why take my kids summers of swim team and jr golf and carefree living away from them and shove myself (alone) in my home office 40 hours a week? It just seems like it would be about my ego, and would disrupt everyones lives. Frankly I'm happy to go to the gym and decorate the house and volunteer 12 hours a week, teach some fitness classes and make big dinners for our family. Maybe it isn't for everyone, and I completely respect that, but for us? It isn't worth me going back to a full time career. I like the way that things are, and so does my husband. My being home has allowed him to advance more quickly in his career. He's now at a point where we can frequently play golf in the afternoons, or go to the gym together, or go mountain biking. Were I to start my career over, I would be putting in long hours to build my business back up. He's just at a point (at 41) where he is able to work less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

What difference does his income make? Assuming he isn't an uber high, typical DCUM'er wouldn't you want a spouse who engages in the workplace and has experiences of her own?

Right, because making a home for your family has no value whatsoever.

So do you think households where both parents work full time are just missing this value?

I am not that poster, but yes. I do. I have worked part time, full time, and stayed at home. There is no question that our home is missing something when neither my spouse or I have the kids and home as our main focus in life at that time. Yes, everyone gets fed and the towels get washed, but there is something valuable missing from our family life. I personally find. It easier when my husband stays home because I am so much better at balancing work and home. But he hates being home with the kids. He prefers to work in a place where people actually do whatever he asks them to do. So, he works.

But is that as valuable as the income you give up by not working full time? For my family, which has always had dual WOHPs and two six figure salaries, it's just not.

Yes. We have somehow found a way to live on one six figure salary without it feeling like a hardship. I can still pick up some hours here and there if we want to go to Disney world or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for the family (WOHP or SAHP, I don't care which) whose family has to eat grocery store prepared food all the time. I don't care if it is Whole Foods.

Stop being such half ass parents.

Why is that being half ass? Why isn't half assing it as parents SAH when you could give your family great financial security? And of course we don't eat grocery store prepared food all the time, but if we did, so what?

I don't care about the moronic SAH vs WM debate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people like to rag on SAHM's with kids in school and call them lazy.

But I don't think it's that. I think that it's really scary and intimidating to think about rejoining a workforce after you've been left behind. They know that if they were to get work, it would be difficult and they'd be on the bottom of the ladder. They would go from being independent and calling the shots in their daily lives to taking orders, likely from someone even younger than themselves.

I wish people were more compassionate on all sides about our societal dysfunction around the handling of raising kids in the midst of figuring out a livelihood.

Scary and intimidating, plus they dread the discussions with their husbands about what, in concrete terms, the husband will be required to pick up in terms of household/children work if the wife is going to go back. They dread those marital discussions, and their husbands are often quite resistant to providing support. Sometimes the men think extra income would be nice but they sure don't want to change their schedule to accommodate their wives' work. In that case, I'd stay AH too.

This is why I'm staying home. We recently moved to a new city and I got two job offers to go back to work (sales) after 9 years being out of the industry. One from my old boss and one from a vendor that I used to do business with ~ both would mean working from home. It would mean that the kids (3, all elementary school with the youngest in K) would have to go to aftercare and camp all summer. It would mean that instead of being out in my new community playing golf, running with new friends, etc, I would be tied down to my home office. That would impact us socially as I am the one who generally meets people and sets up dinners/etc, especially important now that we are in a new town (and my husband works from home and travels, so his work doesn't provide any social outlet). My work would require some travel, which would be tough in our childcare situation and with a husband who travels. It would mean that in a new town far from home without any family help or real babysitter help yet we would have to navigate a lot of childcare issues. It would mean no two week-go-home-to-visit family trip next summer, that our coming up week long vacation in October and the time off I would want over the holidays would probably eat up all of my vacation……we are also planning a spring break trip and lots of long weekend ski trips, they would be out because I went back to work. We had a frank conversation about it and yes ~ the tradeoffs just aren't worth the difference to us. While I would be making 6 figures, my husband is a high earner and I have a trust fund and we are annually gifted $56K from my parents (cash) as part of their estate planning. Simply put, why disrupt a really peaceful family life for me to go earn money that we don't need? Why take my kids summers of swim team and jr golf and carefree living away from them and shove myself (alone) in my home office 40 hours a week? It just seems like it would be about my ego, and would disrupt everyones lives. Frankly I'm happy to go to the gym and decorate the house and volunteer 12 hours a week, teach some fitness classes and make big dinners for our family. Maybe it isn't for everyone, and I completely respect that, but for us? It isn't worth me going back to a full time career. I like the way that things are, and so does my husband. My being home has allowed him to advance more quickly in his career. He's now at a point where we can frequently play golf in the afternoons, or go to the gym together, or go mountain biking. Were I to start my career over, I would be putting in long hours to build my business back up. He's just at a point (at 41) where he is able to work less.

Clearly you feel guilty about it on some level, PP. Maybe not towards your husband but maybe because you're not sure you can really afford it? I say this because this was a very LONG explanation, which you don't owe anyone by the way.

If you have a truly good marriage and can truly afford it (and aren't just burying your head in the sand about it), then keep on keeping on. But it sounds like you've gotten lucky with 2 job offers from people you know, job offers that might not materialize again later when your kids are older should you want to return at that point. I don't agree that it would be about your ego. It MIGHT be a good idea to go back and build yourself back up for the time that your kids are out of the house. But only you know. Just be honest with yourself (not saying you're not, but a lot of people aren't).

[Anonymous]

Hm. Not sure how you got "feel guilty" out of that. I was just trying to help PP understand that sometimes couples do have those discussions and reach a different conclusion about their individual families needs then she did.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand this question, OP. If a DH asks his DW to go back to work, there is likely a reason. Perhaps they need the money, perhaps he think it stresses her out too much (not a good fit), perhaps he doesn't feel like she is pulling her own weight or that it is counter to his goals. When I've seen men divorce over this, it is because the DW seems to have a lack of interest or concern about the DH - she won't engage in a discussion or see his side or have empathy for the work stress he is under. Resentment builds and things turn toxic. That's very different from most of the responses here, where the SAHMs state that their DHs either don't want them to work or that they had good discussions about the best interest of their families. The fact is, even on DCUM few people have access to a trust fund + $56K a year in gifts like the PP (here DH must be pretty happy about that gravy train), so the need for a second income is very real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

Wow. I think you're the loser, PP. Whose DH "doesn't care" if you work or not?

Why are you surprised that my DH wants me happy and isn't money hungry?

He isn't, he's surprised that you think all men unlike your DH are losers.

[Anonymous]

If a woman doesn't work she's a gold digger.

If a woman has her own money she's a gravy train.

Can't win for trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people like to rag on SAHM's with kids in school and call them lazy.

But I don't think it's that. I think that it's really scary and intimidating to think about rejoining a workforce after you've been left behind. They know that if they were to get work, it would be difficult and they'd be on the bottom of the ladder. They would go from being independent and calling the shots in their daily lives to taking orders, likely from someone even younger than themselves.

I wish people were more compassionate on all sides about our societal dysfunction around the handling of raising kids in the midst of figuring out a livelihood.

This is a huge issue for me personally. It is so difficult to get back in the workforce after 10 plus years out, especially if you need flexibility.

Some of us never left the workforce in part to avoid this. I get flexibility because I've worked full time for over 10 years here and I have a good reputation for getting the work done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many posters on here hate their jobs? They seem so resentful of someone not having to go to work every day.

I would bet the vast majority of the people in this country don't like their jobs for any number of reasons (boring, boss is awful, co-workers suck, commute is awful). Work generally isn't enjoyable which is why they pay you to do it.

No, that's not it. They pay you to work because you create value.