Ever know a couple where the DH filed for divorce because the wife would not go back to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the posters on this thread who mention that a husband should let their wife stay home if that makes them happy must have a pretty good financial cushion. Just because something makes you happy doesn't mean that is what is best for your family. Most families, even in this delusional area, need dual income to live a comfortable life. I don't think there is anything wrong with a husband wanting his wife to work.

Sometimes it is the security of having dual income.

My brother lost his job last year due to a bipolar episode, it was his first ever, probably triggered by job stress. My SIL was an attorney but stay at home mom. A year later they are still both looking for jobs and struggling to pay bills.

Especially in this day and age when job security is dead. Unless you are a Wall Street rainmaker, six and seven figure jobs are not easy to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Yeah, some men do prefer the little woman to keep house for them. But many do not.

I don't do the housework. We pay for that and guess what, DH still doesn't care whether or not I have a job.

I am sorry but this is not about you. OP said he was stressed out and needed his wife to work so he could leave the job he hates. Is this your situation? If not, STFU.

Did you read a different OP than I did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Yeah, some men do prefer the little woman to keep house for them. But many do not.

I don't do the housework. We pay for that and guess what, DH still doesn't care whether or not I have a job.

I am sorry but this is not about you. OP said he was stressed out and needed his wife to work so he could leave the job he hates. Is this your situation? If not, STFU.

Perhaps the bolded poster should stfu, as the previous post was in reference to the post above it. Someone is pretty damn angry that others have more choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Yeah, some men do prefer the little woman to keep house for them. But many do not.

I don't do the housework. We pay for that and guess what, DH still doesn't care whether or not I have a job.

I am sorry but this is not about you. OP said he was stressed out and needed his wife to work so he could leave the job he hates. Is this your situation? If not, STFU.

Did you read a different OP than I did?

From the 1st page - in case you are too self-absorbed to notice which thread you are on.

"Yes. The original plan was that she would stay at home for 3 years while finishing her BSN (needed 10 classes). Fairly easy to get back in her industry. He would stay at a job he hated and was emotionally draining but paid more than enough for her to go to school and not work. After she got a job, he would move to a different job that he enjoyed (he is also very in demand).

At the 2 year mark she hadn't gone back to school. They fought and she enrolled. At 3 years she wanted to wait to finish the program so around 3.5 years he started saying she needed to look for a job. Lots of excuses. At 4 years, she had made no progress. Husband laid out a timeline because he was miserable at his job. 1 month after the deadline and she was still not looking for aniob. He met with an attorney and was clear with her about it. Around 4.5 years she got a job. At 5.5 years he filed for divorce. He just couldn't recover from what he felt like was total disrespect with regards to his needs and mental health.

Weird part is she basically decided she wanted the single life again and only sees her kids a couple of times a year. Hr has since remarried to a wonderful person and he is leaps and bounds happier than he ever waz."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Yeah, some men do prefer the little woman to keep house for them. But many do not.

I don't do the housework. We pay for that and guess what, DH still doesn't care whether or not I have a job.

Omg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Yeah, some men do prefer the little woman to keep house for them. But many do not.

I don't do the housework. We pay for that and guess what, DH still doesn't care whether or not I have a job.

I am sorry but this is not about you. OP said he was stressed out and needed his wife to work so he could leave the job he hates. Is this your situation? If not, STFU.

Perhaps the bolded poster should stfu, as the previous post was in reference to the post above it. Someone is pretty damn angry that others have more choices.

Not mad that you have a good life. Mad that you are not helpful - actually I despise losers who could not be happy unless they think they are better than people in difficult situations.

[Anonymous]

Back to the original q - yes, I know a couple like that. Now divorced and she is filing for personal bankruptcy and living on a couch. Sad for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this situation. I supported my husband through grad school. I was open to relocating ANYWHERE for his career (my job is telecommute friendly) and I basically functioned like a single mother while he was finishing his dissertation (when our kids were 1 and 3). He couldn't find a tenure line and refused to adjunct, retrain, or use his skills in industry (where they are transferrable). He suffered from the too smart for this world syndrome.

Strangely during this period, I got an opportunity to basically triple our income and he decided he wanted to be home full time. So, we talked about how things would have to change, I would be present much, much less and less able to keep the balls in the air and we would need to work together but a lot of things would need to be on him. I needed his support if I was going to pull off this new opportunity on the home front.

Let's just say it didn't work. He didn't do the housework, he was annoyed CONSTANTLY about the needs of small kids and didn't have the temperament and he decided the kids needed to be in preschool. Fine. He does nothing to look for said preschool, doesn't visit, etc, but complains constantly until I went and found three schools one of which is right by my office. He likes the one by my job because I can bring them with me in the morning and he can pick up. Great. So, this turns into him sleeping in and me along pulling myself together, getting the kids together and fed, and rushing them to drop off and work.

So, he decides he wants to go back to work, but needs time to write. Oh, and begins the whole let's do aftercare and you can pick them up. So, now I am doing this and walking in the door to no dinner, slightly less of a mess (just his) and having to do a second shift from 9-12 most nights to get all of my work done. He then proposed hiring a nanny and I realized I was in this alone. I mean, the process was like a lobster boiling in a slowly heating pot of water. You don't realize it until suddenly it was time to get out.

I told him that I spent the past two years completely abandoned, I didn't know if I could trust him and asked if he wanted to save this marriage, thinking therapy, etc. He responded by taking the next flight to Dulles to Thailand where he got a teaching job. I was floored, but in hindsight, it was clear he didn't want our life, didn't want to be a parent, and felt bogged down by the reality of raising kids and working and being an adult accountable to other people.

I ended up getting that nanny, getting divorced, and making a go of it on my own. Ten years later, he only visited once and the kids barely remember him beyond asking if he's alive (he is, I check in with my former in-laws periodically who are surprising understanding...my former FIL called his son a jackass when the whole thing went down and has been incredibly kind to the kids and even me).

I won't ever marry again. I date, I enjoy the company of men, but it would take a lot for me to trust something that intimately. I am happy with things the way they are, though. I am successful professionally, I have two awesome daughters who are brilliant and kind and funny, I have a great group of friends, and I feel at peace. Much, much more so than when I was married.

Good for you, but on the flip, many SAHP's do the bulk of the work, with the other parent doing support/weekend. In your case, he's doing nothing, you are paying child care and he's an extra mouth to feed, then yes, he's got to go. Glad it worked out for you. Though my husband said he'd never marry again....

[Anonymous]

Oh well maybe you should darling.

There's no amount of soul cycle, Botox, fillers, etc... which will magically make you 29 again.

He's got all the leverage and gaining.

[Anonymous]

Makes me wonder if the stay at home crowd secretly think to themselves.... I want to continue living this life, I'll just pretend to appear busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

Wow. I think you're the loser, PP. Whose DH "doesn't care" if you work or not?

mine- i had a soul destroying and terrible last year of college (father killed) and had to finish a degree i was thinking of changing b/c i hated it, then worked in that field until i got married and we ended up moving b/c of his law school- i kept on looking for work but very halfheartedly since i hated my field & frankly wasn't very good. After like 3 months- he offered to let me stay home or take classes or whatever and he was happy to do it. Having that year to just live esp since he was in school was amazing. We actually lived quite well off of his summer work. I am happy to cope with his insane hours and stuff now b/c i know what he sacrificed for my sanity back then. you guys are weird- this isn't peasant life in the 19th century where marriage is based off of economic concerns. And even then that was pretty outmoded- i bet most of us are from middle class backgrounds- our grandmothers probably didn't do much other than oversee the household, write menus etc. .which was work from what i can tell but still quite luxurious. i think my mom & grandma are awesome people and their husbands certainly didn't complain that they should go work unless they wanted to- what the hell has changed? And they both had amazing relationships, in fact my FIL is always griping that MIL work and contribute and their marriage is rather sad. I feel bad for her b/c he isn't very respectful or kind and does barely any housework even though they both work the same hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this situation. I supported my husband through grad school. I was open to relocating ANYWHERE for his career (my job is telecommute friendly) and I basically functioned like a single mother while he was finishing his dissertation (when our kids were 1 and 3). He couldn't find a tenure line and refused to adjunct, retrain, or use his skills in industry (where they are transferrable). He suffered from the too smart for this world syndrome.

Strangely during this period, I got an opportunity to basically triple our income and he decided he wanted to be home full time. So, we talked about how things would have to change, I would be present much, much less and less able to keep the balls in the air and we would need to work together but a lot of things would need to be on him. I needed his support if I was going to pull off this new opportunity on the home front.

Let's just say it didn't work. He didn't do the housework, he was annoyed CONSTANTLY about the needs of small kids and didn't have the temperament and he decided the kids needed to be in preschool. Fine. He does nothing to look for said preschool, doesn't visit, etc, but complains constantly until I went and found three schools one of which is right by my office. He likes the one by my job because I can bring them with me in the morning and he can pick up. Great. So, this turns into him sleeping in and me along pulling myself together, getting the kids together and fed, and rushing them to drop off and work.

So, he decides he wants to go back to work, but needs time to write. Oh, and begins the whole let's do aftercare and you can pick them up. So, now I am doing this and walking in the door to no dinner, slightly less of a mess (just his) and having to do a second shift from 9-12 most nights to get all of my work done. He then proposed hiring a nanny and I realized I was in this alone. I mean, the process was like a lobster boiling in a slowly heating pot of water. You don't realize it until suddenly it was time to get out.

I told him that I spent the past two years completely abandoned, I didn't know if I could trust him and asked if he wanted to save this marriage, thinking therapy, etc. He responded by taking the next flight to Dulles to Thailand where he got a teaching job. I was floored, but in hindsight, it was clear he didn't want our life, didn't want to be a parent, and felt bogged down by the reality of raising kids and working and being an adult accountable to other people.

I ended up getting that nanny, getting divorced, and making a go of it on my own. Ten years later, he only visited once and the kids barely remember him beyond asking if he's alive (he is, I check in with my former in-laws periodically who are surprising understanding...my former FIL called his son a jackass when the whole thing went down and has been incredibly kind to the kids and even me).

I won't ever marry again. I date, I enjoy the company of men, but it would take a lot for me to trust something that intimately. I am happy with things the way they are, though. I am successful professionally, I have two awesome daughters who are brilliant and kind and funny, I have a great group of friends, and I feel at peace. Much, much more so than when I was married.

Good for you, but on the flip, many SAHP's do the bulk of the work, with the other parent doing support/weekend. In your case, he's doing nothing, you are paying child care and he's an extra mouth to feed, then yes, he's got to go. Glad it worked out for you. Though my husband said he'd never marry again....

You are missing my point. My ex-husband wanted to be home, he wanted to do all of those things, but he was just awful at it. He didn't have the temperament, he didn't enjoy the isolation, he didn't like having to be "on" all the time, he didn't like cleaning or cooking much and he tried, but just sucked at it until he gave up and started slowly pushing all of the domestic duties, including pick-ups and drop-offs for full-time daycare (which I was now paying for while he sat in coffee shops "writing" nothing).

To the other poster, I don't know how we ended up like this. I met my husband in graduate school, we had dated for a few years and were married for a few years before having kids. I think he suffered from the too smart for this world syndrome. He didn't like being told what to do, he had an ego, and he didn't like being tied down or committed to a project. Getting his dissertation finished was like facilitating a root canal.

I also think he was a bit jealous of my success. I didn't strike out like crazy in this world. I mean, I went to law school, worked at DOJ in the honors program in a very flexible, telecommute friendly position. I sort of thought I'd be the trailing spouse until the opportunity came along (to go to a firm where I eventually made equity partner) and I just went for it thinking he would support me like I did for him. He didn't. There were comments about money and selling out and stuff, but I was too tired and too overwhelmed trying to keep my children happy and engaged while working like a mad woman. He complained about never feeling like a priority, but honestly, if he had actually taken care of things at home, I would have had more time to invest in the relationship and be more present. It's difficult to have an adult conversation when you walk in the door with a hungry 2 and 4-year-old, no dinner, a pet who hadn't been taken out in hours (despite having that SAHP), and a kitchen that is a mess from your husband's lunch and the kids' breakfast. I spent those two hours feeding, cleaning, bathing, reading, organizing, packing for tomorrow, and just finish things that should have been dealt with while I was gone all day. At work. You know what my ex would do during this time (particularly before we had them in full-time daycare)? Leave. He would claim he needed a break and would leave right when I walked in the door. He even pulled this crap after claiming he was in the middle of an important article. So, no, I am not -- looking at two or three hours of catch-up work before getting to sleep -- going to spend much time indulging someone who has treated me like this.

Like I said, I have managed to build a village for my family and a life for myself, but I look at my marriage and what I see is fault. His fault. My fault, in a way. But I don't think or know if there was any way I could have predicted it. My ex-seems quite content in Asia and I think in a weird way completely disassociates his life there from here. What's sad is that even if I had gotten divorced, I didn't imagine my ex just leaving and cutting all ties.

[Anonymous]

On the flip side, I would divorce DH if he didn't want to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Yeah, some men do prefer the little woman to keep house for them. But many do not.

I don't do the housework. We pay for that and guess what, DH still doesn't care whether or not I have a job.

Omg.

What? I'm lucky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was very clear before we got married that he did not want to be the sole financial support of our family. Good thing I like working.

Too bad he is a loser.