Ever know a couple where the DH filed for divorce because the wife would not go back to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people like to rag on SAHM's with kids in school and call them lazy.

But I don't think it's that. I think that it's really scary and intimidating to think about rejoining a workforce after you've been left behind. They know that if they were to get work, it would be difficult and they'd be on the bottom of the ladder. They would go from being independent and calling the shots in their daily lives to taking orders, likely from someone even younger than themselves.

I wish people were more compassionate on all sides about our societal dysfunction around the handling of raising kids in the midst of figuring out a livelihood.

Scary and intimidating, plus they dread the discussions with their husbands about what, in concrete terms, the husband will be required to pick up in terms of household/children work if the wife is going to go back. They dread those marital discussions, and their husbands are often quite resistant to providing support. Sometimes the men think extra income would be nice but they sure don't want to change their schedule to accommodate their wives' work. In that case, I'd stay AH too.

[Anonymous]

I suspect the SAH thing is much less prevalent nowadays than when I was growing up due to wage compression. I mean, growing up almost all of my friends had SAHM or they worked part time. Now, I don't know anyone in my circle of friends with a SAHP. That's not to say it doesn't happen because obviously it people do it but I think the economics of it all are much more challenging today.

There's a lot of people on this board that make, or claim to make, very high salaries but statistically that's a very narrow slice of the population. Most people are getting by on a lot less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who did this, but I do know a female friend who divorced her husband when he absolutely refused to get a job. He was older than her and he supported her through law school, but once she graduated he viewed her as his goose that laid a golden egg. He quit his job and refused to even look for a new one. They had no children, and this went on for several years. She finally had enough because she was working in a big law firm, working nonstop, and he was essentially spending the days playing golf and spending money. She filed for divorce, he fought it, she had to pay through the nose, but she is finally free from him and much, much happier. His lack of even bothering to look for a job really made her lose respect for him. She didn't realize that him supporting her through law school was some sort of quid pro quo in which he would never work again. As I mentioned, he was also older, and made a good 200k+ living before he quit. He wasn't "keeping the home" - they had a housekeeper and he didn't cook or do anything like that.

As for me, I have a marriage that everyone thought was bulletproof, with a husband that everyone thought was the most loyal and loving person ever. Turns out he had a long-term affair and was going to leave me. Our friends were completely floored, as was I. He earlier had suggested I stay at home because my job was so horrible (I was also at a big law firm), and I am glad I didn't because then I would be much more reliant on him now. Now I can assess our relationship without worrying about being able to provide for myself. So, my feeling is to proceed with caution! You never truly know someone.

This! All of you saying your DHs don't care if you work and just want you to be happy, are you sure he won't come home one day to tell you he is having a baby with his assistant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

What difference does his income make? Assuming he isn't an uber high, typical DCUM'er wouldn't you want a spouse who engages in the workplace and has experiences of her own?

I bet he doesn't make much. Maybe he needs to fix himself first.

My DH doesn't care if I work or not or have experiences of my own, LOL. He wants me happy. I can have experiences at work or AT HOME.
Threads like this make me so appreciative of DH.

NP here. And what about you? I'm guessing you care if your DH works. What if your DH came home and said he's not happy and wants to quit his job? What would you all do? Would you get a job so your DH could be happy?

It doesn't sound like you are truly appreciative of your DH. It sounds like you are appreciative of his income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who did this, but I do know a female friend who divorced her husband when he absolutely refused to get a job. He was older than her and he supported her through law school, but once she graduated he viewed her as his goose that laid a golden egg. He quit his job and refused to even look for a new one. They had no children, and this went on for several years. She finally had enough because she was working in a big law firm, working nonstop, and he was essentially spending the days playing golf and spending money. She filed for divorce, he fought it, she had to pay through the nose, but she is finally free from him and much, much happier. His lack of even bothering to look for a job really made her lose respect for him. She didn't realize that him supporting her through law school was some sort of quid pro quo in which he would never work again. As I mentioned, he was also older, and made a good 200k+ living before he quit. He wasn't "keeping the home" - they had a housekeeper and he didn't cook or do anything like that.

As for me, I have a marriage that everyone thought was bulletproof, with a husband that everyone thought was the most loyal and loving person ever. Turns out he had a long-term affair and was going to leave me. Our friends were completely floored, as was I. He earlier had suggested I stay at home because my job was so horrible (I was also at a big law firm), and I am glad I didn't because then I would be much more reliant on him now. Now I can assess our relationship without worrying about being able to provide for myself. So, my feeling is to proceed with caution! You never truly know someone.

This! All of you saying your DHs don't care if you work and just want you to be happy, are you sure he won't come home one day to tell you he is having a baby with his assistant?

NP. No, he won't be having a baby with his assistant because he is retired and he wants me at home to keep him company. I was a lawyer prekid. We are having a blast doing kid activities with our elementary aged child. DS has a hobby that he plays at an elite level which requires a lot of travel all over the country and internationally. We are both in our 50ties and this is a first marriage for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who did this, but I do know a female friend who divorced her husband when he absolutely refused to get a job. He was older than her and he supported her through law school, but once she graduated he viewed her as his goose that laid a golden egg. He quit his job and refused to even look for a new one. They had no children, and this went on for several years. She finally had enough because she was working in a big law firm, working nonstop, and he was essentially spending the days playing golf and spending money. She filed for divorce, he fought it, she had to pay through the nose, but she is finally free from him and much, much happier. His lack of even bothering to look for a job really made her lose respect for him. She didn't realize that him supporting her through law school was some sort of quid pro quo in which he would never work again. As I mentioned, he was also older, and made a good 200k+ living before he quit. He wasn't "keeping the home" - they had a housekeeper and he didn't cook or do anything like that.

As for me, I have a marriage that everyone thought was bulletproof, with a husband that everyone thought was the most loyal and loving person ever. Turns out he had a long-term affair and was going to leave me. Our friends were completely floored, as was I. He earlier had suggested I stay at home because my job was so horrible (I was also at a big law firm), and I am glad I didn't because then I would be much more reliant on him now. Now I can assess our relationship without worrying about being able to provide for myself. So, my feeling is to proceed with caution! You never truly know someone.

This! All of you saying your DHs don't care if you work and just want you to be happy, are you sure he won't come home one day to tell you he is having a baby with his assistant?

He had a vasectomy and he doesn't have an assistant.

[Anonymous]

My friend was supposed to go back to work when the youngest went to K. She didn't want to go to work so she purposely got pregnant (stopped taking the pill) so she could stay home. H divorced her.

My other friend quit her job without telling her H, she was an accountant. He gave her 2 years to get back to work, she started part-time a year later and worked part-time until the kids were in middle school, now works full time. (In the meantime, her H almost died of a heart problem... so their might have been a little motivation there.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

What difference does his income make? Assuming he isn't an uber high, typical DCUM'er wouldn't you want a spouse who engages in the workplace and has experiences of her own?

I bet he doesn't make much. Maybe he needs to fix himself first.

My DH doesn't care if I work or not or have experiences of my own, LOL. He wants me happy. I can have experiences at work or AT HOME.
Threads like this make me so appreciative of DH.

NP here. And what about you? I'm guessing you care if your DH works. What if your DH came home and said he's not happy and wants to quit his job? What would you all do? Would you get a job so your DH could be happy?

It doesn't sound like you are truly appreciative of your DH. It sounds like you are appreciative of his income.

BOOM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

What difference does his income make? Assuming he isn't an uber high, typical DCUM'er wouldn't you want a spouse who engages in the workplace and has experiences of her own?

Right, because making a home for your family has no value whatsoever.

So do you think households where both parents work full time are just missing this value?

I am not that poster, but yes. I do. I have worked part time, full time, and stayed at home. There is no question that our home is missing something when neither my spouse or I have the kids and home as our main focus in life at that time. Yes, everyone gets fed and the towels get washed, but there is something valuable missing from our family life. I personally find. It easier when my husband stays home because I am so much better at balancing work and home. But he hates being home with the kids. He prefers to work in a place where people actually do whatever he asks them to do. So, he works.

[Anonymous]

Why do so many posters on here hate their jobs? They seem so resentful of someone not having to go to work every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it mind boggling that someone would divorce over that.

I don't really get it either. There must be more going on for divorce.

I can see divorcing if someone is just lazy and dead weight in the marriage, or resentful about something else. But who is like, "I hate having someone cook for me, take care of my children, and spending most of their time and energy being attentive to my happiness and the happiness of our household. I want a divorce!"

You may not realize that some people really don't care about someone else cooking and running household errands for them, at the expense of a good salary, especially when the children are too old to need childcare. How hard is it to hire a cleaning service and pick up already prepared food at Whole Foods for dinner?

Ok. I have never heard of a marriage where they got a divorce because the wife wouldn't work, then post divorce, she got a job and gave her ex-husband all of the money.
It seems to me that the choices are 1) live alone on this amount of money, or 2) live with someone who loves and cares about me and has dedicated their lives to making my home a warm and comfortable place on x amount of money.
Now, if you feel like your spouse doesn't love or care about you or that they have dedicated their lives to playing xbox, that's different. But that is totally independent of working status.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for the family (WOHP or SAHP, I don't care which) whose family has to eat grocery store prepared food all the time. I don't care if it is Whole Foods.

Stop being such half ass parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people like to rag on SAHM's with kids in school and call them lazy.

But I don't think it's that. I think that it's really scary and intimidating to think about rejoining a workforce after you've been left behind. They know that if they were to get work, it would be difficult and they'd be on the bottom of the ladder. They would go from being independent and calling the shots in their daily lives to taking orders, likely from someone even younger than themselves.

I wish people were more compassionate on all sides about our societal dysfunction around the handling of raising kids in the midst of figuring out a livelihood.

This is a huge issue for me personally. It is so difficult to get back in the workforce after 10 plus years out, especially if you need flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many posters on here hate their jobs? They seem so resentful of someone not having to go to work every day.

I would bet the vast majority of the people in this country don't like their jobs for any number of reasons (boring, boss is awful, co-workers suck, commute is awful). Work generally isn't enjoyable which is why they pay you to do it.

[Anonymous]

Easy - threaten divorce, see a lawyer, talk about it, and then you'll have your answer. If your wife really doesn't want to lose you, she'll get a job. If you've been a horrible jerk, I'm sure she'd rather be divorced and jobless than with you!