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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]

That's part of it, and he's gotten better about that, but when I start to see it building - his body tenses, his movements become "jerky" and he purses his lips and starts huffing a bit - I'm already upset. I'm like Pavlov's dog - at the first sign of trouble I'm already going to pieces already. [b]I have not felt emotionally safe with him for so long I don't know if that can ever be fixed.[/b][/quote]

This tells you all you need to know.

My husband has occasionally become overly heated (not in public, and it is mild compared to what you've described). But when that happens, I do not feel safe. Maybe that means I have a thin skin or problems of my own. But it feels absolutely awful not to feel emotionally safe in your own home. In my case, I only feel unsafe while he is upset. But afterwards, I do feel a lingering sense of trauma and nurse my wounds a bit. Then life is back to normal. In your case, it seems that your sense of not feeling emotionally safe is your constant state, and that sounds extremely stressful and unhealthy.

I have said on numerous times to my husband, during or after the time that his voice is raised, that the only thing that matters to me in our relationship is to feel safe in my own home. He is always supremely surprised when I express that, because we both know that he would never do anything to jeopardize my actual safety. But I think he really doesn't realize how angry and sometimes mean he comes across (briefly) when he is upset. I think that, over time, my calm repetition of my need to feel safe has made a difference.

But if you doubt that your lack of emotional safety cannot be fixed, then really, what is the point? How is that a relationship worth attempting to rescue?

Regarding the future: I agree with the others who commented that you are being ruled by fear. [b]Can you brainstorm how you might be able to make a go of being a single parent (through adoption)... Do you have friends or family who could provide some support, for instance?[/b] Could you find some single mothers online and discuss with them how they make it work? Rather than remaining frozen in fear, can you start to explore positive possibilities for the future?
[/quote]

I have a great family, but my parents are aging and I don't think I'm financially secure enough on my own to make it work with a child. I earn enough to take care of myself, that's really it. (I mean, I could make it work, but it would be tough.)[/quote]

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