Stay at home Dad: My kids not accepted?

[Anonymous]

In our marriage it is inappropriate to seek opportunities to be alone in the private house with members of the opposite sex. Not because we can't control ourselves or anything but out of respect for each other's spouses and marriages. Public space together is fine. Private is not.

Ask your husband if he likes the idea of you hanging out in another man's house while your children play. Mine doesn't so I don't do it.


Well, my husband doesn't care, but I also don't do every single thing that he likes, or not do every single thing that he wouldn't, regardless of whether I think it is reasonable. Sure, for minor things (like don't wear that t shirt with the hole in the armpit to the gym), I'll do it whether or not the request is reasonable, but for a more major issue (like who my kids and I hang out with), I would need DH to proffer a reasonable explanation.

I agree.

How are women ever supposed to be equal if we can't be alone in private with other people because they happen to be male?

When did equal start meaning the same? Please hang out with all the dads you want but I prefer to make my own choices about my social life and family life

Are you going to teach your sons and daughters to have this preference? If so, that's a problem. If there were just a random one-off personality quirk, fine, but I'm assuming it is cultural and culture is where women become lesser or are allowed to be equal.

I don't get how my preference for hanging out with other women during my social time is a cultural/women's right issue. Can a rose just be a rose? I don't want to hang out with your husband. I'm just not that into him to choose him over the countless other moms I know. Full stop.

Frankly, I find the whole concept of kids' play dates as an opportunity for the parents to choose who they hang out to be odd. Personally, my motivating factor is, what is in my kids' best interests? If they like the other kid, and the other kid is nice, I'll hang out with the parent for an hour or two, as long as the parent is not rude and offensive. I don't really consider my kids' activities to be a primary way for me to make friends or express my preferences about who to spend time with. If I happen to click with a parent, cool. If not, I'll be nice and chat till the play date is over, or until the kids can do drop offs.

[Anonymous]

OP

CAUTION - RANT ALERT !

Woah, what happened to this thread!! I'm asking for perspective when my kids tell me they're lonely, feeling left out as they get invited to few play dates, and I'm see little reciprocity from others to host.... then the conversation turns into a sex centered debate on morality and maturity. It pisses me off that this is where minds go because I'm and SAHD posting, that gender makes a difference in non-sexual situations. Not that I'm ignorant, I know to be a total gentleman and careful to notice anything coming at me too.

I'm definitely NOT, "jonesing for alone time with moms" as someone phrased it. It's heartening to see both side equally represented and the immature sex-obsessed sociapaths are in a minority. It's just more stereotypes, the creepy homewrecker SAHD who can't keep it in his pants, home alone-wives who can resist throwing themselves at the nearest guy, the melodrama of marriages being threatened by the wife having infrequent time with a male... good grief!! I have to assume, those who think like that are immature, have issues, aren't fully grown up or undeveloped people themselves.

Sadly it may be true, that perspective is part of what I have been seeing all these years. While I'm not going to be missing out on spending time with anyone who thinks like that... but I won't accept that is a reason for my kids to be sidelined.

My new goal is host as many play dates as it takes for my kids not to feel excluded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah I see pp attempted to explain. She just doesn't have male friends.

I think you are very anxious to fit people into the boxes you've designed for them. I have a ton of male friends. And when we want to spend time together, we go have coffee. Or lunch. Or dinner. Out in public. Not in each other's houses when no one else is present. Why are you so bothered by people's preferences? I'm not telling YOU how to conduct yourself. I am simply explaining why I - a person wholly separate and different from you - would choose to meet up with SAHD and his kids at a playground or a park but not at his or my house when no one else is around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would and have reached out to dads for a playdate. They were not stay-at-home dads, I just knew that they tended to be the parent to take the kid to the park on weekends.

BUT - and it is a big but - this would be for a playdate in the park, in the open, or an activity. I would not invite them to the house where the dad and I would be the only adults. If there were two women or someone else, fine. But not the two of us in the house. I'm uncomfortable with that.

So you are worried about being alone in a house with the dad -- presumably, someone you know from school/neighborhood, not some random stranger -- when both of your children are playing in the next room? If you truly don't trust this person such that you would not be in a house alone with them, why would you let your child play with his in the first place, even if it is at a park? You sound really paranoid to me. I am pretty safety-conscious person, and I would not have a problem going to a play date at the house of a SAHD. If the guy gave me the creeps for other reasons (inappropriate comments or something) then no. But I wouldn't be uncomfortable just because - gasp! - he's male. I don't appreciate it when people treat me a certain way based strictly on my gender, and I try not to do the same to others.

Maybe I should rephrase. I am not worried about my safety. And none of the dads I know give me the creeps. They are all perfectly fine.

I am married. Everyone's marriage comes with boundaries and expectations. In our marriage it is inappropriate to seek opportunities to be alone in the private house with members of the opposite sex. Not because we can't control ourselves or anything but out of respect for each other's spouses and marriages. Public space together is fine. Private is not.

Ask your husband if he likes the idea of you hanging out in another man's house while your children play. Mine doesn't so I don't do it.

So do you not work b/c he is worried you might be alone with some men at the office, like in a windowless conference room? I assume work trips would be impossible.

I do work and a) no one is really alone at the office, b) no office is actually private, and c) work is a must-do, not want-to-do. Meetings with male colleagues are sometimes needed to have work done. No one HAS to do playdates.

Do you ever go out to lunch with male friends at work? Just 1 on 1?

Of course. I do. To a cafeteria or restaurant outside. Not at their house. Did you not read what I wrote above?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In our marriage it is inappropriate to seek opportunities to be alone in the private house with members of the opposite sex. Not because we can't control ourselves or anything but out of respect for each other's spouses and marriages. Public space together is fine. Private is not.

Ask your husband if he likes the idea of you hanging out in another man's house while your children play. Mine doesn't so I don't do it.

Well, my husband doesn't care, but I also don't do every single thing that he likes, or not do every single thing that he wouldn't, regardless of whether I think it is reasonable. Sure, for minor things (like don't wear that t shirt with the hole in the armpit to the gym), I'll do it whether or not the request is reasonable, but for a more major issue (like who my kids and I hang out with), I would need DH to proffer a reasonable explanation.

I agree.

How are women ever supposed to be equal if we can't be alone in private with other people because they happen to be male?

When did equal start meaning the same? Please hang out with all the dads you want but I prefer to make my own choices about my social life and family life

Are you going to teach your sons and daughters to have this preference? If so, that's a problem. If there were just a random one-off personality quirk, fine, but I'm assuming it is cultural and culture is where women become lesser or are allowed to be equal.

Whatever I teach my sons and daughters, it won't be "you have to deny your feelings of being uncomfortable in certain situations because the random lady on DCUM says so."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

CAUTION - RANT ALERT !

Woah, what happened to this thread!! I'm asking for perspective when my kids tell me they're lonely, feeling left out as they get invited to few play dates, and I'm see little reciprocity from others to host.... then the conversation turns into a sex centered debate on morality and maturity. It pisses me off that this is where minds go because I'm and SAHD posting, that gender makes a difference in non-sexual situations. Not that I'm ignorant, I know to be a total gentleman and careful to notice anything coming at me too.

I'm definitely NOT, "jonesing for alone time with moms" as someone phrased it. It's heartening to see both side equally represented and the immature sex-obsessed sociapaths are in a minority. It's just more stereotypes, the creepy homewrecker SAHD who can't keep it in his pants, home alone-wives who can resist throwing themselves at the nearest guy, the melodrama of marriages being threatened by the wife having infrequent time with a male... good grief!! I have to assume, those who think like that are immature, have issues, aren't fully grown up or undeveloped people themselves.

Sadly it may be true, that perspective is part of what I have been seeing all these years. While I'm not going to be missing out on spending time with anyone who thinks like that... but I won't accept that is a reason for my kids to be sidelined.

My new goal is host as many play dates as it takes for my kids not to feel excluded.

OP, unfortunately, it doesn't matter what your intent it. It's the appearance of impropriety that most likely keeps people away. It's sad, but it's a fact of life. For some people, just the appearance of infidelity on the part of their spouse is enough to derail a career (think command position military officers).

Have you had any luck with group activates instead of one on one play dates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ah I see pp attempted to explain. She just doesn't have male friends.

I think you are very anxious to fit people into the boxes you've designed for them. I have a ton of male friends. And when we want to spend time together, we go have coffee. Or lunch. Or dinner. Out in public. Not in each other's houses when no one else is present. Why are you so bothered by people's preferences? I'm not telling YOU how to conduct yourself. I am simply explaining why I - a person wholly separate and different from you - would choose to meet up with SAHD and his kids at a playground or a park but not at his or my house when no one else is around.

Wow you are strange.

[Anonymous]

My 2.5 yo toddler is too young to care about playmates but I'd love to hang out with SAHD. Diversity of opinions and viewpoints. Hanging out with women make forming friendship easier but I'd like to talk about something else with a guy. Anyway I WOTH and don't have the energy to do any playdates. A friend invited me once to her home, once to a pool and I still feel the heavy burden to reciprocate. But I hate hosting and I hardly ever do, even for super close friends or family. Part of it is feeling/fearing judgment on the home but the bigger reason is I'm introverted with a perfectionist personality so hosting something always unduly stresses me out.

When my kid starts enjoying playmates company I'd be interested to find out how I'll accommodate her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I literally can't believe this thread. Is it a farce thread? You people won't go to a mans house? Where the fuck are you posting from? Please tell me. I assume you a stay at home moms from Centerville or somewhere?

What if...there are two dads! Zomg.

Mom, home in Centreville right now. First of all, go eff yourself. Second, I can't believe it either, my idea of boundaries and such just never extend to the point where I would consider it a bad scenario, but everyone is different I suppose!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

CAUTION - RANT ALERT !

Woah, what happened to this thread!! I'm asking for perspective when my kids tell me they're lonely, feeling left out as they get invited to few play dates, and I'm see little reciprocity from others to host.... then the conversation turns into a sex centered debate on morality and maturity. It pisses me off that this is where minds go because I'm and SAHD posting, that gender makes a difference in non-sexual situations. Not that I'm ignorant, I know to be a total gentleman and careful to notice anything coming at me too.

I'm definitely NOT, "jonesing for alone time with moms" as someone phrased it. It's heartening to see both side equally represented and the immature sex-obsessed sociapaths are in a minority. It's just more stereotypes, the creepy homewrecker SAHD who can't keep it in his pants, home alone-wives who can resist throwing themselves at the nearest guy, the melodrama of marriages being threatened by the wife having infrequent time with a male... good grief!! I have to assume, those who think like that are immature, have issues, aren't fully grown up or undeveloped people themselves.

Sadly it may be true, that perspective is part of what I have been seeing all these years. While I'm not going to be missing out on spending time with anyone who thinks like that... but I won't accept that is a reason for my kids to be sidelined.

My new goal is host as many play dates as it takes for my kids not to feel excluded.

OP, unfortunately, it doesn't matter what your intent it. It's the appearance of impropriety that most likely keeps people away. It's sad, but it's a fact of life. For some people, just the appearance of infidelity on the part of their spouse is enough to derail a career (think command position military officers).

Have you had any luck with group activates instead of one on one play dates?

OP

As toddlers, the DCs have done group activities, playgrounds, and while the kids had a blast I was always the lone dad and was shunned and ignored once there were two moms there. One time, a nanny that didn't recognize me (with sincere professional concern) asked me which kid was mine. Ouch! Now, with both DCs school age, it's the same treatment at parties pick-up/drop, or school events. At least there I see the husbands who certainly keep me at a distance too.

Socially, it's been torture for me. For the kids the advantage of having me, as an involved parent available, has been amazing and that makes it all worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

My new goal is host as many play dates as it takes for my kids not to feel excluded.

Look, realistically, what other option do you have except continuing to host the play dates? You can't make other people invite your kids to their homes, regardless of whether their reasons are right, wrong, indifferent. But you also can't ensure that your kids don't feel excluded. My kid feels excluded to some degree because he is shy - he gets invited to some play dates, but isn't invited to as many as we host, probably because he isn't the first one other kids think of. Dealing with others not reciprocating equally is, unfortunately, a part of life and growing up that kids must learn to find a way to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 2.5 yo toddler is too young to care about playmates but I'd love to hang out with SAHD. Diversity of opinions and viewpoints. Hanging out with women make forming friendship easier but I'd like to talk about something else with a guy. Anyway I WOTH and don't have the energy to do any playdates. A friend invited me once to her home, once to a pool and I still feel the heavy burden to reciprocate. But I hate hosting and I hardly ever do, even for super close friends or family. Part of it is feeling/fearing judgment on the home but the bigger reason is I'm introverted with a perfectionist personality so hosting something always unduly stresses me out.

When my kid starts enjoying playmates company I'd be interested to find out how I'll accommodate her needs.

OP

Some one replied, in some post on DCUM, that as women only talk about chapped nipples and sutures, why would a SAHD want in on that! I'm glad you stomped that preconception! Like wise, even with other SAHD's I wouldn't be satisfied talking sports for hours.

I apologize if my post added to the burden to host. I've learned from all the replies here it's just not always viable. Peoples reasons are many, and varied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My new goal is host as many play dates as it takes for my kids not to feel excluded.

Look, realistically, what other option do you have except continuing to host the play dates? You can't make other people invite your kids to their homes, regardless of whether their reasons are right, wrong, indifferent. But you also can't ensure that your kids don't feel excluded. My kid feels excluded to some degree because he is shy - he gets invited to some play dates, but isn't invited to as many as we host, probably because he isn't the first one other kids think of. Dealing with others not reciprocating equally is, unfortunately, a part of life and growing up that kids must learn to find a way to manage.

OP

Yup, no other option as I see it!

Kids do learn to live with things. My eldest was very down on being left out throughout out pre-school. Now he has a couple of real solid friendships, but I can see how the limited exposure to more kids has limited his social growth. Another reason to be a mad SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah I see pp attempted to explain. She just doesn't have male friends.

I think you are very anxious to fit people into the boxes you've designed for them. I have a ton of male friends. And when we want to spend time together, we go have coffee. Or lunch. Or dinner. Out in public. Not in each other's houses when no one else is present. Why are you so bothered by people's preferences? I'm not telling YOU how to conduct yourself. I am simply explaining why I - a person wholly separate and different from you - would choose to meet up with SAHD and his kids at a playground or a park but not at his or my house when no one else is around.

Can you please just answer my original question that I asked in the post before the one you quoted, then? Like I said this is really foreign to me and I do not get it and I want to. What is the inappropriateness you feel around being IN A HOUSE with someone of the opposite gender? I gave three reasons that are about as far as I can imagine it: fear of rape, fear of temptation, or concern about appearances/misinterpretation by people who don't know the two of you. ???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah I see pp attempted to explain. She just doesn't have male friends.

I think you are very anxious to fit people into the boxes you've designed for them. I have a ton of male friends. And when we want to spend time together, we go have coffee. Or lunch. Or dinner. Out in public. Not in each other's houses when no one else is present. Why are you so bothered by people's preferences? I'm not telling YOU how to conduct yourself. I am simply explaining why I - a person wholly separate and different from you - would choose to meet up with SAHD and his kids at a playground or a park but not at his or my house when no one else is around.

Can you please just answer my original question that I asked in the post before the one you quoted, then? Like I said this is really foreign to me and I do not get it and I want to. What is the inappropriateness you feel around being IN A HOUSE with someone of the opposite gender? I gave three reasons that are about as far as I can imagine it: fear of rape, fear of temptation, or concern about appearances/misinterpretation by people who don't know the two of you. ???

I'd answer it for you but I think you are committed to "not getting it". But let me try. I feel that it is inappropriate for me, as a married woman, to solicit and impose on myself, without any actual need, the scenario of being in a private setting with a member of the opposite sex. My DH feels the same way - he wouldn't hang out with a woman in her house. Coffee shop, sure. House, no. That's our deal. You don't have to sign up for it.